Do letters to the ex ever work?

[dawn duval]

I'm starting this thread because I wrote a letter to my ex trying to get him back and I got REJECTED, big time. I mean it wasn't an actual no, but it was one of those "need to work on myself", blah blah, and he desperately wants to be friends, but the gist of it for me is rejection.

 

Now I see all these other threads about "I'm writing a letter to the ex" and my impulse is to say NO! whatever it is you're writing, don't do it!! From reading on LS, it seems that second chances only work if they start slowly and naturally; never as a result of a sudden declaration of love.

 

Is this mostly true? If so: others, please learn from my mistake! It didn't work! And I guess at least I got *closure*, but I think I'd rather not give my ex the pleasure of thinking I want him back.

[Treasa]

It depends. If you're doing it as a way to convey a message to them and NOT as a manipulation to get them back (and a lot of people here delude themselves about why they write), then I think it's ok. For example, if you want to honestly apologize for something and don't care about getting a response, then go for it. But if you still want the person, and think you'd be hurt by not getting a response, then don't do it.

[amish]

Well I wrote to letter to the ex in March/April of 2004. The old "I've changed, I can change" line. Did she read it? Yes. Did it make any difference? No. Sure I guess I felt better after laying it all out there, but it didn't help the situation at all.

 

On mothers day this year she called and wanted me to come see her. I did and we have had great discussion and wonderful times since then, but it wasn't because of the letter.

[loveisallaround]

I wrote a simple letter after two months of NC, just to explain that there was nothing malicious in my heart.

 

What do I get?

 

A response saying how "ridiculous" it was but everything was OK.

 

Proceed with caution. Sometimes our exes (even if they dump you) still have some emotional issues with us. If they admit it or not. As seen in the lashing out of mine.

[New_Wife]

I think an unsent letter to an ex can be wonderful. I have written a great many letters starting "Dear A_hole," and vented every last angry thought I had. I read them, laugh at how crude I can be when angry, and normally tear them right up. It does take that emotional traffic out of my head and onto the paper for a bit.

 

If it's an "I miss you" letter, well I've never written one of those - but I guess it couldn't hurt to write one & tear it up too.

[tiki]

Especially if it's one of those horrible letters about how great you are, you're the best they've ever had...blah blah blah.

 

If this stuff is so true, they know this?!?!?

 

And getting letters months later is borderline creepy to me.

 

Don't do it!

[smile]

In my sitaution we were going nowhere in circles. We tried to have a talk but when he asked me certain questions I was so afraid of what he would say that I froze. I think he pretty much knows (and always knew) what I wrote in my letter was true. I just needed to get it out. We have recently had a talk about me not bottling things up and he asked to know what I was wanting or expecting.

 

I told him how I felt and what I wished for most... and that I may be willing to handle less.... but that I need time. I think the way our relationship is (has always been) this honesty thing is something we need. Otherwise we both fall into old habits.

 

It was too hard doing the undefined thing for so long. I coulda just said , " i need space" and keep him guessing... but I was tired of playing games. Yeh sure I want him back but who knows if thats possible. What is possible is a friendship and I dont want to be pissed off or irritated the whole time bc I dont know what the deal is. Does that make sense?

 

So ultimately I may be forfeiting a relationship for the sake of the connection that we share. I dont see that as a downgrade. I think there comes to a point where the unsaid fills the room so much its suffocating.

 

I wouldnt beg him back or berate him in a letter. I make sure I just get my point across as respectfully as possible. But trust me I have written plenty of those "i hate you" letters, but I keep thos e to myself.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

ok well the ex probably wants to hear that you want him back bcuz it makes him feel good that he leaves sum one in love with him.. well yea the letter no no no no lol thats a big mistake ... dont let him know your tru feelings unless he asks you gurl.. cuz trust me it is a big rejection...

 

yea its hard when you have to let go off that person you love but.. you cant beg you cant force them to come back.. dont do anything bcuz you might end up chasing him away.. act like you also want to b just "friends" with him.. try to be there for him like a friend and nuttin else...if you get your second chanse then great but dont wait up for it either..

 

ok? well good luck

[rastafari]

NO LETTER WHAT EVER YOU DO. i wrote like 4. she ragged on me before we broke up and told me all the things that are "wrong" with me. i was in shock that i didnt have much to say at the time.i used these letters to vent my opinions, because i never let her knew how i felt about the situation. it was more of a closeure situation for me. later on i text't her like 10 resons why i loved her, like i was trying to prove somthing...that was even more of a BAD IDEA. all that did was make her feel good and wanted, i got "this is very sweet of you but you shouldnt do this to yourself". Last but not least, a week later i text't her "you waisted 2 years of my life with you, i could have put that time into someone that appricated me" along with some other extreemly rude stuff that i will not admit to writing on here. even more of a BAD IDEA. hahaha, im so dumb. then to top it off i opologized. she actually ended up being super friendly with me afterwards, and we had a very nice talk for about 15 minutes. but what did it matter anyway. i just felt weird inside the whole time.

save your time and energey and DO NOT CONTACT THEM FOR ANY REASON, NO BIRTHDAYS, NO HOLIDAYS, ANYTHING. ITS NOT GOING TO BRING THEM BACK AT ALL, GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO MISS. OR DONT EVEN CARE!

[blackendangel13]

My ex broke up with me and continued to write me emails about how I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't want anyone else. He just needed to fix his own ****, bla bla bla. It made me angry. I wanted him to leave me alone because I could not get over him with that crap. Well its been almost a year and we are gradually on speaking terms and healing together. Despite not wanting those emails, I guess I was happy he didn't let me go. Who knows though what will come of it.

[lindya]

I've found that an email to the ex can be an excellent way road towards an emotional reunion. Followed by an even more emotional break up a couple of months down the line.

 

Unless the break up took place in the heat of the moment (eg an argument stemming from an isolated "should never have happened" event), it's best to just focus on moving on from that person things didn't work out with. Expending energy on trying to get them back can work in the short term, but all too often it just leads you into on-off territory where you're constantly delaying the pain of a permanent break up.

[moon]

I recently sent a letter to my ex and shortly after got a declaration of his love. But it has been almost eight months since our break up. I sent an e-mail after he sent me an e-mail after about 2 months of being broken up and never heard a response. It really leaves you hanging.

 

I think you have to follow your gut. If you think you might just get a whole slew of negatives and put downs, by God don't send it.

 

If you feel like some water has washed under the bridge and that your ex might enlighten you a bit, then go ahead. I think if they don't contact you after two months (good thinking period) then you might not hear from them again for six months or more. I read that somewhere. After the initial couple of months (if they broke up with you) they are probably done thinking. Then they might try to hook up with as many girls as possible (or already have one lined up) if all those bomb.........I think that's when they might want to talk (months or years later). Or there might even be some guilt later on and there might be a response some months later. I think if an ex gets an e-mail shortly after the break up and they dumped you and don't necessarily want to get back together----then they probably won't respond because it will feel like a chore and they might be thinking about all the fish in the sea they could so easily catch with their shining personality..........Once they realize they're not so interesting (hopefully you've already relayed that message to them when they dumped you) and they get pushed off their pedastal I think a response to a letter from an ex would be more appropriate.

 

I think it totally depends on the relationship. I am beginning to get it, that if you've had break ups with the person before, then it might not be so strange to receive word from them again somewhere down the road. Everything is so by chance. I mean your ex could meet the person of their dreams and it could have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.............and therefore they don't write back. Or your ex could have had a few sh*tty rebounds and realized that they are just not cutting it anymore. Your ex might realize that they are failing big time and then they might get an e-mail from you and say praise the Lord..............somebody likes me. So much of it could be pure coincidence or chance. So that's my two cents.