My dad's smile

[Mirandaaa]

Okay this will sound stupid. But writing about it makes me feel less sad. My dad's smile last night broke my heart. And I am crying right now writing this but I know I will be able to put my feelings in perspective after I get it out. First of all, when I was little my dad used to teach chemistry at a university that was over 200 miles away. But I would cry for him at night because he wasn't home a lot during the week. One night, my mom was trying to get me to go to sleep, and I was screaming and crying for my dad. I remember sobbing and crying until she finally called my dad. It was on probably about 10:00 at night. I remember her putting me on the phone and there was my dad's voice comforting me and telling me not to cry because he was coming home.

 

I finally fell asleep and I was woke up before it was even daylight by my dad scooping me out of bed and carrying me downstairs. He sang me a song and kissed me and held me tight in his arms until it was daylight. He had drove all night long in the middle of the night, over 200 miles to come home to me. I don't know why I forgot about it until now. My dad's smile last night is what made me remember.

 

The next day, I heard him tell my mom it wasn't worth it. He was going to quit teaching at that university because it was too far away and he wanted to be home with me and my mom every night, and so when the year was up, he quit and he started teaching music theory at our middle school. Next year I will probably have my dad as a teacher if I talk them into letting me go to public school. Please don't ask how he went from teaching chemistry to teaching music theory. First, both my parents got Phds, then my dad became a pilot. Then he taught in a university. He is the smartest person I know. Both my dad and mom used to give private piano lessons and both of them are sometimes accompanists in our local plays.

 

Last night we were talking about something random, and he was talking to me like I was an adult. He was telling me something funny that happened with one of his students, and the way he smiled at one point almost made my heart stop from sadness. I don't know why it made me remember or why it made me so sad. Suddenly I remembered that he gave up a very good teaching position a long time ago because of me, and I wondered if he was happy. I wonder if my dad is happy now with his life and the decisions he made. I wonder if my mom is happy. Everything they ever did and every decision they ever made was about me. They never did one thing in their life without considering how it would affect me. Their whole lives revolve around me and making me happy. And I have been so selfish.

 

I know it sounds really stupid but I am crying right now. A couple of days ago I was feeling really empty, and I never felt that way before, and I looked at my dad who was trying to be strong. But all I could think was "Does he feel the same emptiness that I am feeling right now." If that is how my dad feels most of the time, then I am so sorry I have been so blind and selfish. It literally felt like I was being given a taste of being in my dad's shoes and how it felt to be him. Ever since, I can't get it out of my mind. I'm afraid, and I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I'm sorry for rambling. I do feel better now.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Mirandaaa

[amaysngrace]

Parents make sacrifices for their children's well-being. Sacrificing doesn't make us feel empty especially when our children appreciate all we've done for them.

 

I'm sure they are just as proud of you as you are of them. And if you don't know how your father made the leap from teaching chemistry to teaching music theory or if he is happy or if your mom is happy you should ask them.

 

He speaks to you like an adult. You can do the same.

[Tayla]

You are making improvements Mirandaa, I recall your past views of your parents.

 

Good to have empathy for others. keep up the positives, And go hug your father, He may actually smile more!

[Mirandaaa]

Parents make sacrifices for their children's well-being. Sacrificing doesn't make us feel empty especially when our children appreciate all we've done for them.

 

I'm sure they are just as proud of you as you are of them. And if you don't know how your father made the leap from teaching chemistry to teaching music theory or if he is happy or if your mom is happy you should ask them.

 

He speaks to you like an adult. You can do the same.

 

Thanks. I already know why he started teaching it. They begged him because he has always been involved in our community theater productions and he and my mom have always been involved with teaching kids.

[Mirandaaa]

You are making improvements Mirandaa, I recall your past views of your parents.

 

Good to have empathy for others. keep up the positives, And go hug your father, He may actually smile more!

 

I almost hugged him this morning.

[whichwayisup]

I almost hugged him this morning.

 

Tomorrow morning hug him.

[Cherryz]

your story is so sweet so loving.

thank you for sharing.

 

just have a talk with your parents about how you feel

you cant just assume things. true communication you will know how he truly feels also. dont keep this inside. talk to him about it.

and dont be afraid to say thank you to them

and do something nice for them sometimes. it may be just make breakfast or do the dishes unexpected.

[Gunny376]

Being a parent is all about foregoing opportunities, one's self, one's wants, one's needs and doing so with a joy filled heart for the benefit of one's children.

 

Honestly? Had I been completely selfish, and self-centered? I probably would have achieved greater things and accomplishments had I not ~ never married and had children as young and dumb as I was.

 

And I'm estranged from my two adult (in their thirties) children, because of their narcissistic, parental alienating Mother.

 

Its taken me a long, long, long time, AND many a year to understand and to come to terms with the status quo of what is my relationship with them?

 

I made a lot of personal sacrifices for my children, most they will never know of.

 

And I'm OK with that ~ NOW!

 

I as a Retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant can only quote President Ronald Regan,......................

 

"Most people spend their entire lives wondering if they made a difference? Marines don't have that problem!"

 

I don't have a problem, knowing what I personally did as a an individual, as person, a Marine, a Parent, a Father even though others may NEVER KNOW, that I made a difference ~ up to and including my own children.

 

I can go to my grave TODAY with the knowledge that I gave and did my best that I had to give AT the time. Could I, should I, would I,..........knowing with the benefit of the years of experience past made different choices?

 

Absolutely! But I still would have chosen to put the welfare, the benefits, the welfare, the safety, of my children before the wants and needs of my own.

 

If that meant sleeping in the woods in a hollow log, drinking muddy water, and eating road kill? Then that is what I would have gladly done! For the benefit of my children.

[gaig]

Hi Miranda

 

Probably I am leaving thousands of miles away from you, much older than you (32) and I am a guy (so it might sound even more silly).

 

But I also have two parents with doctorates (maths and pediatric endocrinology) who had to give away their academic career dreams and the opportunities of the city in order to raise me and my younger brother in a tiny town, working endlessly at a much lower level than their qualifications so that they can financially build something more substantial and future proof for us. Their parents were poor and they didn't want the same to happen to us (eg when my father was in the army, he was faking stomachache for 2 consecutive years because he couldn't afford buying a cup of coffee).

 

Years passed, they made it, we were actually raised by my grandma and they always felt bad about never spending time with us. You see here, the option that would combine career development and more time with their kids, required a financial comfort they didn't have.

 

The career path I followed was that of a telecom/business consultant so I spend semesters away from my beloved country, hometown, family, etc.

 

I am coping with it, but what is really killing me is the moment they both leave me at the train station. Ok, I know my mum is very emotional and I am always prepared for that. But when I realize my father, a 65 year old math professor, a 6.5 feet 250 pounds jaunty man tries to hide his sobbing behind his shades, I am really breaking. And this moment is repeated again and again..

Because I know what they think.. they sacrificed so much in their lives while we were kids and now that they made it, we are flying away.

 

I am not that type of emotional guy, but seeing my father like this and reading your sensitive story, made me write you that I would also do the same thing for my kids (if I ever have any) without having second thoughts! So don't feel bad for him.. You are the most happy twist of his life

Edited May 27, 2016 by gaig

[Mirandaaa]

Wow, thank you for writing that. I never really thought of it that way. And it does make me feel better about it.

[gaig]

Glad my perspective made you smile.. Actually your story got me writing about that.

 

I have also one more thing to tell you here. As I said, I am much older than you. However, I still haven't opened this conversation with him.. I know I should and he would probably feel better and help him vent (actually both of us), but we don't really meet throughout the year and is kind of awkward over an internet call. Excuses..

 

But you are younger, more naive, pure, cute and precious to your daddy.. So I guess it would be easier (just arbitrarily assuming it) to open this conversation with him and tell him how you feel. I am very confident that he will immediately feel it was worth it; note here, he will not only say that (of course he will), but also feel it deep inside him. As his sacrifices for you have really paid off. And I can guarantee you he will remember this conversation for the rest of his life!

 

And tell also your mom.. I bet she has sacrificed a lot like mine.

 

Tell them that and it will hold them for years..

 

Damn, I should lead by example before advising you

Edited May 31, 2016 by gaig