Team member picking on me in front of others

[edgygirl]

So every Monday I have a call with a team of about 30 people to go over hundreds of projects we are working on.

 

There is this Senior Manager that runs half the call, (he's more or less in the same level as me) and for some reason he seems to pick on me specifically, in a way that makes it seem to all other participants that I am not attentive or don't know what I should do about a specific matter. I am running around 60 projects right now, and each has hundreds of details, which makes everything quite complicated (to memorize, or find out quickly and on the spot when there's a "surprise"question).

 

Now, he doesn't seem to do it with the other guy in the same position as me who's responsible for the other half of our region. Even when there's a similar issue, he accepts when the guy says "let me check on that and I'll get back to you later". If I say the same thing about an issue, he will get agitated and start inquiring the same thing repeatedly... to the point that it gets quite uncomfortable.

 

I do wonder if he's a little misogynistic of course. His ream is related to construction and they're mostly men.

 

Granted, the region LOVED this other guy in the same position as me for the past 10 months before I arrived, and it almost seems they would have liked a replica of him: more detail oriented than big picture, an a** kisser, not prone to improve things but prefers everything to remain the same as long as he doesn't get in trouble with anyone in the team. Well, I am the opposite and I am a change maker, I question things and know very well how to improve processes.

 

I am not this guy and don't want to be -- he has the kind of interests and experience I don't really value.

 

Still, it seems to create issues for me even though I am uber responsible, even more than this guy, and follow up very well on all my projects.

 

I asked to speak with the Senior Manager and get constructive criticism on how I am conducting responses for my projects. We might speak tomorrow.

 

What is the best way to go here so this guy stops picking on me in front of others? I don't want to involve my boss as she's not very reasonable either, but I'd like to make him aware in a non-direct way that he should start respecting me and thinking about how he talks with me in front of others. Is there a "good" way to talk with him about this without creating a snowball that would roll to the whole team and supervisors in general?

Edited May 3, 2016 by edgygirl

[carhill]

Couple things:

 

Who hired/promoted you? What is their relationship to this Senior Manager?

 

If you push boundaries, and it sounds like you're pushing on the status quo, expect pushback. That can apply across all realms of social interaction, not just work.

 

These are roughnecks and you're a woman. You're, in a sense, messing with their club. The Senior Manager might not even be the problem, rather those consistently bending his ear. That's how work politics works.

 

Men generally settle their differences in, well, male ways, especially in the roughneck world. They can't do that with a woman, legally or morally, hence frustration. It leaks out.

 

IMO, focus on the job and getting those project moved forward and consider the managers rantings as so much noise. If the company doesn't respect and reward metrics, I'm sure their competition will be happy to cherry pick someone who can do the numbers.

 

In general, business is war. Sure we dress it up nice and have all these laws to follow but it is, at the core, survival of the fittest. Adapt or die. We guys have dealt with it for centuries. Part of life. It'll work out.

[edgygirl]

Thanks carhill. I am part of another department, not his group. There are about 5 departments that have to work together to make this huge thing, all the hundreds of projects come to life.

 

The issue with this (Fortune 500) company is that even though no one in his team is my boss or hired me (nor in the other 3 teams) if things don't go smoothly with ALL teams and ALL people involved, it looks bad to whomever seems to have issues.

 

Him picking on me a few times in each call in front of everyone (and usually not on the other guy) makes it seem like I have some issue running a project or two or three... when I usually don't. But you wouldn't think so based on the way he inquires things specifically of me.

 

You are exactly right... it's a war and a jungle, that's exactly what it is. And yes, his Construction team does iron issues out in a guy's way that no matter what I do, I can't seem to replicate although I am quite the ambassador and can speak with any kind of person in the world, from a janitor to the POTUS. Although I usually mix well with groups of guys, it's almost like I am an alien sometimes when they're being... "guys".

 

As this company seems to value "relationships", everyone gets quite defensive when someone points out any mistake. Even though it's intended to be a company that values "good relationships", (this is always pointed out!) it seems to have become "finger pointing so I can save my a**" - quite the opposite. But everyone lives in this illusion of camaraderie... it's mostly a lie.

 

This company has no competition really... they're the biggest in their field worldwide

Edited May 3, 2016 by edgygirl

[jen1447]

Ppl will only give you the ration of s**t you'll tolerate.

[carhill]

Yeah, I was thinking of a company I've dealt with as a vendor, Granite Construction, when answering your post. If you've driven a freeway in California, it's likely they built all or part of it. Projects are huge, deal with all kinds of challenges, and unexpected things are always happening and costs are a constant pressure. Egos can grow quite large because of the dollars at stake.

 

One option is seeking a female mentor in the company, meaning growing a relationship with a woman who has dealt with the male power structure and has adapted to it and thrived in it. If no one like that in the company exists, then look outside. Network. I suggest this to women I advise because, well, I'll never be able to look at a job through a woman's eyes because I'm a man. I can advise on metrics of work, but not the particulars of being a woman in a man's job and managing men and reporting to men.

 

Another skill to hone is reading people. Yeah, you're probably pretty good at it already if you're a project manager but we can all improve. Home in on what this manager needs and focus on that as opposed to what they say. Sure, listen but read the 'rest of the story' by analyzing the interaction on other levels. Heh, managers are sometimes best handled by 'managing' them while they sit comfortable in the perception of having you completely under control.

 

IMO, this is where women excel due to their ability to seamlessly share information across brain hemispheres and meld the different senses into an overall picture of the interaction and then shrewdly communicate based on that perception.

 

It's no coincidence that Donald Trump, and a number of business colleagues I know, hire women for their senior management positions. Why? Women are good at what they do. I've been advising a young lady who just got promoted to a corporate controller job and, even though she has concerns, I see the advantages she shows for that particular job and they reside primarily in melding together the big picture from the disparate numbers. I'll bet your job requires melding too, perhaps of a different sort. Stick with it. These guys will fall in line, presuming you want to stay, and, blue collar version, they could be testing you to see if they can break you. We do that in our industry all the time. Job hazing might be the wrong description but you get the gist. It happens.

[edgygirl]

Very true... but how do you put someone on his place without creating a snowball on a corporate environment?

 

Everything you do in this company, escalates... I know how it goes... if I call him out on it, I am... "rude". If I talk with a supervisor about it, they might hint I am being... paranoid.

 

Lose-Lose situation. Ahhh

 

Ppl will only give you the ration of s**t you'll tolerate.

 

[xxoo]

Very true... but how do you put someone on his place without creating a snowball on a corporate environment?

 

Everything you do in this company, escalates... I know how it goes... if I call him out on it, I am... "rude". If I talk with a supervisor about it, they might hint I am being... paranoid.

 

Lose-Lose situation. Ahhh

 

Project strength and confidence. Take control of the conversations. An unaffected, "Moving on..." and directing the conversation in a new direction will make it difficult for him to continue bullying you. If he pushes back, let him blow hard and get flustered, while you are cool, in control, and unaffected. It will make him look bad all on his own. Others take note, no doubt about it.

[jen1447]

Very true... but how do you put someone on his place without creating a snowball on a corporate environment?

 

Everything you do in this company, escalates... I know how it goes... if I call him out on it, I am... "rude". If I talk with a supervisor about it, they might hint I am being... paranoid.

 

Lose-Lose situation. Ahhh

 

 

 

 

Yeah I guess the stakes are higher for you. I assume your job is great otherwise and you're making a lot of money and it supports a comfortable lifestyle and provides security in a way that you couldn't immediately replace?

 

This isn't specifically work/corporate advice but the usual way ppl know to take you seriously (which includes not picking on you) is when you demonstrate what you're willing to risk to protect your personal standards. As an example, ppl don't usually mess w/me at work but when and if they do I make it clear that I'm prepared to go beyond the 'safe' route to correct it. That could conceivably mean losing my job itself, but while I wouldn't particularly want to do that, it wouldn't be as big a deal for me as I could probably get a similar one in pretty short order. You've got more to lose tho (Fortune 500 lucrative and all that), so you'll have to play ball if you're not willing to lose it to protect yourself.

 

'Playing ball' isn't really my area of expertise so I won't recommend how to do that well but my point is just that there's always a line available if you're willing to draw it. If you're not willing, then that sends a message in itself and advertises you as a good target for abuse.

 

I love ya bunches edgy so don't take this hard but personally I wouldn't put myself in a professional situation that I wasn't prepared to defend effectively. That means no Fortune 500 for me (not that anyone's offering haha) but it also means I'm playing by my own rules. In the end that's more valuable to me, assuming I've reached the threshold of sustainability.

[d0nnivain]

You mentioned "surprise Qs". Is there any type of pattern to what he asks? Can you ascertain what information he generally wants & make sure you cover those things in your presentations so he doesn't need to ask? Is there a better way for you to bullet point your 60 projects & have the info more easily accessible when he asks?

 

 

When you do speak to him, point out that when the other guy says he has to look stuff up the manager accepts that from him but not from you and then ask the manager why that is. The manager may be unaware he's treating you differently. It may be a function of him knowing the other guy longer but still getting used to working with you & not yet being confident that he can trust you. Find out how you can reassure him. Make your meeting about how you can make his job easier. Say something along the lines of "I want to be a team player but that entails making you look good. How can we achieve that together? Sometimes I think I am doing what you want but then you later ask questions that make me second guess what I thought I knew. I'd like to make sure we're clear. "

[Miss Peach]

I have always worked in male dominated fields. It's probably 90%+ male. And women rarely have the type of roles I'm in. I'm frequently the only woman in the room.

 

I highly recommend learning about men in general. Bruce Brice has some good kindle books. Dr. Pat Allen has a lot of great work around this too.

 

Long story short is that men are competitive and seek respect. When they don't have it or it's being threatened their egos lash out. I've also found out that they usually have a certain perspective about the company and their career and that translates to how they play politics.

 

Could this guy be threatened? Or have you ever done anything to hurt his ego? That's usually when I see the lashing behavior the most in men. There is a fine are to learn how to prop their ego and also portray you won't take their s**t. I've found most women go too far in one extreme.

 

If there is a female who has gotten the mix around you I do agree with Carhill it might make sense to use her as a mentor or to at least observe the way she worked with the guys. I also agree with Jen in that men in these environments tend to pick on the people they deem as weak (partly boundaries and partly male competitiveness) and so you want to keep it professional but also subtly let them know you won't be messed with.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Taramere]

I am not this guy and don't want to be -- he has the kind of interests and experience I don't really value.

 

That could be key to why you're encountering problems with him. If he senses that you don't particularly value his set of experiences and skills, he's not going to like you. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you be invested in getting along with somebody who didn't seem to have much respect for you or your professional experience?

 

I'm not saying that to berate you. I think it's just part of life that sometimes we run into people who we don't have much respect for - and in some cases we might be expected to work with them. It's not easy for any of the parties in a situation like that.

 

You talk about your approach being that of change maker, and you sound confident about your skills. When you refer to this guy, you see more of a "details" person who misses the big picture. You say that the company likes/loves him - but the implication seems to be that they like him because he's an ass kisser.

 

What came first? His habit of picking on you and treating you differently, or your fairly negative perception of him and his professional experience?

[preraph]

I honestly believe I'd call him out about how he accepts the "I'll check" response from the other guy but not you and ask him point-blank why and tell him you feel it's unfair. If he's still a jerk, I'd go over his head in writing and copy him, his supervisor and whatever person above them you think might be rational. That will make 2 people mad but sounds like they already are anyway.

[edgygirl]

Hi everyone, loved the posts - thank you so much... you guys are so helpful!

 

So I asked to chat with the guy on the phone... it was excellent actually. I think we ironed things out a little...

 

The whole situation is quite complex but in short, I think I managed to speak with him more openly for the first time (although it’s not encouraged to share my team’s issues with other teams, and although maybe I did speak a little more than I should have, I hope it helps the situation). I think he got a better perspective of where I am coming from, and about the several issues I've had in lack of support during my training/immersion in the company. Up to now, it seems it wasn't clear to him (and the regional team) that it was more about the company and colleagues not giving me adequate immersion, than about me having issues with the training.

 

My boss repeatedly told me not to share these issues with this regional team, but in the end, it makes ME look bad. Ugh.

 

I think we opened a good communication channel and I liked his advice. He told me he went through a similar situation (lack of peer training/support) when he was put in his new role and had to learn everything by himself etc. He advised me on trying to find a good mentor to fill the gaps of training I am not getting with my own team, even if with someone in one of our offices in other cities (that’s what he did at the time and he said it took him at least a full year to feel comfortable in his role).

 

In the recent past I would avoid hard conversations thinking they’d bring me to a work abyss faster... I am slowly learning that sometimes it’s better to put yourself out there and be vulnerable — people are people and have feelings and somehow get each other... Even in corporate world!

 

I am not saying things will be perfect right on, but at least I opened this communication channel and I'm happy about that. If anything, the guy is not ill meaning, he has a good heart, but also has very very high professional expectations. I hope at least he understands my perspective a little better now.

 

Thanks again everyone!

Edited May 4, 2016 by edgygirl