Divorcing and scared of dating...

[Noluck]

I am on the tail end of my relationship and in the process of completing the paperwork and divorce process. I want to meet someone but I am a little nervous and scared. I'm scared I might be a little jaded. I'm scared of ending up alone. I'm scared of the process of getting to know a new person. I am scared of the time it takes to find out what type of crazy she will be. I'm scared of making a mistake and being in this same situation 5 or 10 years from now.

 

I want a wife and children in the future, but I want to do a better job of vetting the right person and identifying early signs that the relationship isn't a good one. I just don't want to waste my time or get too attached to the wrong situation. I think I tend to become too passive and stick around longer than I should when I'm in a poor relationship. Anyone out there who is in the same boat or someone with tips, advice, suggestions ?

[d0nnivain]

Give yourself some time. Figure out who you are as a single person. Find activities you enjoy. Reconnect with friends. In doing things that make you happy you should attract somebody who has common interests. You aren't really ready to throw yourself out there full force just yet. Take baby steps.

[whichwayisup]

I am on the tail end of my relationship and in the process of completing the paperwork and divorce process. I want to meet someone but I am a little nervous and scared. I'm scared I might be a little jaded. I'm scared of ending up alone. I'm scared of the process of getting to know a new person. I am scared of the time it takes to find out what type of crazy she will be. I'm scared of making a mistake and being in this same situation 5 or 10 years from now.

 

I want a wife and children in the future, but I want to do a better job of vetting the right person and identifying early signs that the relationship isn't a good one. I just don't want to waste my time or get too attached to the wrong situation. I think I tend to become too passive and stick around longer than I should when I'm in a poor relationship. Anyone out there who is in the same boat or someone with tips, advice, suggestions ?

 

Way too soon to jump in and start dating. You're not even divorced yet so give yourself time to grieve the life you once shared with your ex. Work on you, get your confidence up and rid of past hurts so you don't have emotional baggage or mistrust in the future.

 

When you fall in love you take the chance of getting your heart broken. You can't predict if a R is going to end right off the bat, I mean I doubt when you got married you knew it would end in divorce.

[BuddyX]

If you're scared of being alone, then you're already behind the 8 ball. Don't confuse alone with loneliness.

If you can't find out who you are, you're doomed to fail. Take 6-12 months for yourself. Try new hobbies. Go skydiving. Become Fit.

[carhill]

Why do you want to meet someone? Would you say that's been consistent throughout your life, meaning once you see the end writing on the wall with a relationship, you immediately are casting about for a new person to replace the current one?

 

If so, my followup question would be why are you scared of that process? I ask because it's familiar and you've been successful, so where does the fear come from?

[mikeylo]

I guess fear is normal at this point.Give yourself sometime before jumping in another relationship. Be single for a while.Find yourself!

I agree, falling in love is risky business !

[Miss Peach]

I'm divorced so I can understand where you're coming from. Shortly after I was too afraid to be that vulnerable to someone again. Some people never are really ready again. Others are able to heal more with time.

 

I agree with the previous comment. Make sure you're OK with being alone. If you are and can keep your self esteem in tow then if you get into some bad you'll notice it detracts from you and you'll naturally want out. Also remember people unfold. Give them plenty of time to learn who they really are. The person you see the first few months is them in their mask on good behavior. The person you see several months later is the real them. Don't hang out with the latter hoping for the former to make an appearance again.

[gemini6]

First you have to be unafraid of being alone. Naturally we all want love in our lives but you have to be happy with who you are, happy with the life you have..THAT will attract people to you like flies You would be almost irresistible

I truly believe that is the key to all of it - give yourself the time, give yourself the attention to find out who you are and what you really want out of life before you jump in the fire again - as others have said, when you are happy with you and happy with your life as it is, you will know when someone is right or not...it's not about finding someone else, it's about finding yourself.

[AMarriedMan]

I am on the tail end of my relationship and in the process of completing the paperwork and divorce process. I want to meet someone but I am a little nervous and scared. I'm scared I might be a little jaded. I'm scared of ending up alone. I'm scared of the process of getting to know a new person. I am scared of the time it takes to find out what type of crazy she will be. I'm scared of making a mistake and being in this same situation 5 or 10 years from now.

 

Rightly so. Choosing a spouse is no trivial matter. Forget about dating for as long as it takes to get this divorce sorted out legally, logistically, socially and psychologically.

 

I want a wife and children in the future, but I want to do a better job of vetting the right person and identifying early signs that the relationship isn't a good one. I just don't want to waste my time or get too attached to the wrong situation. I think I tend to become too passive and stick around longer than I should when I'm in a poor relationship. Anyone out there who is in the same boat or someone with tips, advice, suggestions ?

 

How old are you? How badly do you want a wife and children? What caused this marriage to end in divorce? What was your birth family like? Are your parents still married? What was their marriage like when you were a kid? If there was trouble between your parents when you were growing up, you may have a lot of work to do to resolve any issues you might have as a result.

 

You wrote you tend to become passive and stick around too long in bad relationships. Have you ever had any success at fixing a bad situation in a relationship?

[Why_So_Complicated]

Rediscover yourself before looking for someone. Love yourself first.

[Noluck]

Thanks all for the advice. I think I'm going to take some time and definitely not rush into anything. Loneliness can make you not think straight sometimes. I'm 39yo. My parents have been together for almost 50years. Although in the past 2 years their own marriage has started to hit the rocks. My mother has looked into divorce lawyers and such but thats another story. Prior to the past 2 years my parents have always been the goal that I tried to reach. I've been in 4 long term relationships of 3-5 years. They have ended for one reason or another. I think I may be picking the wrong situations to get involved in. Each of them had some type of daddy issue. I definitely stayed in some relationships much longer than I should have. My marriage unraveled for many reasons. She was unaffectionate. There were issues with sex and basic intimacy since the 1st week of dating. I stayed because I though she would become more comfortable with me. I chose to ignore a lot of things that should have been red flags. I should have dealt with those issues before thinking of engagement but I think I just wanted to have that life that I pictured in my head.