He's married. I love him.

[Dancewithme]

10 characters

[whichwayisup]

Sorry from Canada little more laid back. I call her that long with my friends. I'm a easy going fun loving girl. I'm certain I know how to keep a man I'm not worried about him being a repeated offender. If he is my lesson. My worry.

 

I'm Canadian too.. Just sayin'

 

This has nothing to do with 'keeping a man', if a man (or woman) is going to cheat, they will.

[ChickiePops]

Sorry from Canada little more laid back. I call her that long with my friends. I'm a easy going fun loving girl. I'm certain I know how to keep a man I'm not worried about him being a repeated offender. If he is my lesson. My worry.

 

Off topic, but you might want to rethink how much information you give out on public forums...your user name is pretty specific..

[2016forme]

He told you that she cheated on him and to think that he was the one on a dating site.

 

I'll make a mental note of your name because by June you'll be here again posting...'Still waiting for that divorce'..

 

Oh! and by the way...Some kind of different is not a compliment.

 

I totally agree!

 

You see, someone said to keep that "deadline". Truth be told, as long as OP keeps extending the deadline, that is open season for the MM to come up with one excuse after the other.

 

With the MM roaming in the"playing field", is that setting a good example for his kids? Is the fact that OP (who also has children) settling for any type of relationship, is that healthy for her children?

 

I would say no because people, whether they are married, dating, SO, have to think about their innocent children!

 

The MM will succeed in coming up with lame duck excuses as to why " he and the misses still haven't taken that trip to Splitsville...:"

 

I guess some people will learn their lesson before it's too late!

[LindsayxoScarth]

Off topic, but you might want to rethink how much information you give out on public forums...your user name is pretty specific..

 

 

My username is a fake name 100%

[whatatangledweb]

Just curious, how old are you and the MM? I would guess your age in your twenties and his at least thirties.

[LindsayxoScarth]

Just curious, how old are you and the MM? I would guess your age in your twenties and his at least thirties.

 

 

 

26 and he's 30, he was with her for 12 years married 5/6

[stillafool]

I agree with you 10000% I told him when it comes down to it you look after baby mama... he knows how I feel about the kids and their mother. I'd never replace. I have 2 children of my own. Ill respect her as a mother for sure. I'm not worried about what she gets and how much. I'm a sole and main provider. I make money I've never been married. Very independent.

 

She is his wife and the mother of his kids, not some 'baby mama'.

[OneMoreBW]

Before we get excited please read.

 

I was on a dating site called plenty of fish. I have dated a few men off pof. I am.picky. JP msged me and it was an instant connection. He was fresh on checking out the waters....

 

(JP's wife had cheated on him... he tried to work it out with her. He is social she's a homebody. They have no connection married young 2 children. He does not love her)

 

We started talking and we got the the topic he was still technically married. They live in a split house. We remained only talking as friends for 5 MONTHS* going on to 6.

 

He finally started to call me a catfish... we connected have so much in commen... so after a few times he called me catfish I said alright. Let's meet.

 

Meeting JP after our 5 month penpalship.

Hes a libra (I semi believe in horoscopes) he brought 4 close friends with him who knew of me very well!!! *blushing* I brought a good girl friend along.

 

Instant connection. I knew he was everything I want. I fell hard instantly. His facial expression when we met was my favorite he was in shock..

 

So it's now getting to the point it's time to leave wife.. we have been together for 2 months (in real daylight lol) ive met his friends and brother* I feel like a real person to him* I do not feel like a dirty Lil secret.

 

Wife doesn't want him to leave. He's been kinda slow... but I believe he will leave.

 

Here is his last text.... help me.. please do I wait or go?? I know I love him... he doesn't know that yet*

 

"Well my soon-to-be ex wife is ridiculous and starting to try and make my life harder. So everything thing goes smooth until she tries to change the plans... but we currently work opposite shifts so it's really slow going....we're going to mortgage broker sort out the mortgage, and we still haven't booked mediation yet but that's the next step. ... but as far as me, I'm good! the kids are the hardest part for sure.

 

We're not going through lawyers. .. just mediation at this point, because we're both agreeable and I'm giving up WAY more than any lawyer is gonna get for her. So she's good with the money side, it's the loss of me that's making her goofy now

 

She's had nothing but time and chance after chance to right the ship and she hasn't... just pretended everything was fine. We're not right for each other at all! It's a realization that's been going on for two years now"

 

Honestly, please help... my friends think im limiting myself... I've never been connected to someone like I am to him!

See my previews msg.

Get out ASAP. This is a huge trap for your whole life.

This guy is a professional cheater. He knows what to tell you to hook you. He'll feed you the crumbs your are starving for. If he is 'THE PERFECT' guy, run from him. He might be 'THE PERFECT' guy for thousands of other women and he knows it.

 

My H is 'THE PERFECT MM', or at least TPMM for 30+ single women, and he knows it. He's good lucking, charming, a gentleman, romantic, attentive, dress well, fit body, great sex, top job, shower you with gifts and amazing trips... But these is not being 'The Perfect Man. TPM is the guy who is going to respect you, be honest with you, wish you the best in live, will show you everywhere, will present you to his family & friends, will want to spend 365/12/7/24 with you. If he was the TPM he would be divorced by now.

 

Go after single men. Don't be picky with the wrongs things.

[OneMoreBW]

You're so such a distraction for him!

Poor you. So naive.

At 26 and been involved in so much crap.

You'll end up getting in your 30+ still being the side chick for this guy, regretting the time you spent with him, not having your family, being someone else dirty little secret, ...

 

If by any chance you get pregnant in the middle, you will end up being a single mother with no family support.....What a mess!

 

You deserve better that that BUT it is your choice.

[LindsayxoScarth]

You're so such a distraction for him!

Poor you. So naive.

At 26 and been involved in so much crap.

You'll end up getting in your 30+ still being the side chick for this guy, regretting the time you spent with him, not having your family, being someone else dirty little secret, ...

 

If by any chance you get pregnant in the middle, you will end up being a single mother with no family support.....What a mess!

 

You deserve better that that BUT it is your choice.

 

 

Not interested in having kids with him

[Lady Hamilton]

Listen, I know a lot of stuff is getting lobbed at you here and I know you think a lot of it doesn't apply to you or your situation, and it may not. A lot of this is coming from BS's who don't know what it's like to be in your position.

 

Heck, I heard all of this from people once upon a time too... I'm a distraction, he's playing with me and will throw me away, etc etc. I was like "Huh? He spends every waking moment thinking about me, texting me, and trying to get to me. When he has a free second, even if it's 10 minutes, he's at my door... And I'm low priority? Half the time we're together we don't even have sex, but he's using me? These people don't get it."

 

So I know a lot of it is going in one ear and out the other. To be entirely honest, a lot of it just isn't the reality in affairs, even the affairs don't work out. I get that. I totally get that.

 

I think maybe if we knew what you are asking us and what you're hoping to get from us in the form of advice or whatever, that may be a bit easier. Otherwise, this thread will become less of a "this is what I am and this is what I want to know" and more of "hey person I don't know in a relationship I don't know specifics on, you deserve better/you're ruining a marriage/you're generally awful."

 

While it's cathartic for the people who're writing it, I'm betting you may not find it especially helpful.

[LindsayxoScarth]

Listen, I know a lot of stuff is getting lobbed at you here and I know you think a lot of it doesn't apply to you or your situation, and it may not. A lot of this is coming from BS's who don't know what it's like to be in your position.

 

Heck, I heard all of this from people once upon a time too... I'm a distraction, he's playing with me and will throw me away, etc etc. I was like "Huh? He spends every waking moment thinking about me, texting me, and trying to get to me. When he has a free second, even if it's 10 minutes, he's at my door... And I'm low priority? Half the time we're together we don't even have sex, but he's using me? These people don't get it."

 

So I know a lot of it is going in one ear and out the other. To be entirely honest, a lot of it just isn't the reality in affairs, even the affairs don't work out. I get that. I totally get that.

 

I think maybe if we knew what you are asking us and what you're hoping to get from us in the form of advice or whatever, that may be a bit easier. Otherwise, this thread will become less of a "this is what I am and this is what I want to know" and more of "hey person I don't know in a relationship I don't know specifics on, you deserve better/you're ruining a marriage/you're generally awful."

 

While it's cathartic for the people who're writing it, I'm betting you may not find it especially helpful.

 

 

 

This here is my favorite post.. thanks for your input. See I wanted to hear the good and the bad. Some of my friends understand others don't. I feel like I'm in a relationship... he's proven himself that he's not with his wife. They Co parent their young children. She's stepped out.. so has he. I do feel bad I've asked many times if this is what he wants.. if our relationship is what he wants.. he's made it clear. He spends a lot of time with me, takes me out.

 

Like I said the part that confuses me is that he's still in the same house. He is in the middle of getting the financials and mediation underway. I have a time June 30. I will put my foot down.

 

I'm young 25 he's 30 but If he's the prize. I will wait. He's a good man, I've never met anyone like him.

 

Once again thanks for your input. Cheers.

[Lady Hamilton]

This here is my favorite post.. thanks for your input. See I wanted to hear the good and the bad. Some of my friends understand others don't. I feel like I'm in a relationship... he's proven himself that he's not with his wife. They Co parent their young children. She's stepped out.. so has he. I do feel bad I've asked many times if this is what he wants.. if our relationship is what he wants.. he's made it clear. He spends a lot of time with me, takes me out.

 

Like I said the part that confuses me is that he's still in the same house. He is in the middle of getting the financials and mediation underway. I have a time June 30. I will put my foot down.

 

I'm young 25 he's 30 but If he's the prize. I will wait. He's a good man, I've never met anyone like him.

 

Once again thanks for your input. Cheers.

 

Gotcha. Well, only you can tell if he's a prize worth waiting for because really, it's your life. There are positives and negatives to all scenarios in this, either you staying and waiting it out, or you going and ending the relationship. There is no 100% positive with no drawbacks to either option. It's more about what you're willing to put up with.

 

I will say:

 

There's nothing you can do to speed up his divorce. It will be prolonged and stressful.

 

There is no finish line. There's not a point where, once you hit it, it will get easier. It will seem that way, like "when the divorce comes through, this will get easier" or "when she remarries, finally this will settle down." There will be various states of stress and chaos in a dynamic like this.

 

Set your limits now and stick to them. Be clear on what you will and won't put up with. I made the mistake of being too accommodating of his ex early on in an attempt to "make things easier" or maybe calm some guilt. I wish I hadn't done that because it led to years of being taken advantage of.

 

You're about to be a Mom. Your life is about to include kids, for better or worse. If you're not ready for that, rethink it and tell him. And yes, when it comes to caring for the kids, your voice matters, so it's Ok to have opinions on what's going on.

 

You're allowed to know what's going on with the divorce, etc, especially with alimony and child support. You're a household, and while there may not be much you can do about it at times, you're allowed to ask questions.

 

If you tell or don't tell is up to you. There's no right or wrong here. It sounds like they were under the same roof separated and doing their own thing long before you came around, so a big shoe-drop announcement may not be necessary.

 

It will be hard. Really hard. A lot. It's a lot of work. All the time.

 

If you look at all of that and say it's something you'll be able to deal with, you can overcome trust and guilt issues, and the relationship is something worth putting your "forever" flag on, then that's your choice. There's a lot of waiting and going with the flow to be had while you wait for the divorce to come through.

 

If not, better say it now than later.

[sillychick]

It's so hard to give advice because until it happens to you, you won't believe it could happen to you.

 

I am comparing your story to one of my own from a few years ago. Same sort of thing. But he had even LESS reasons to stay, let's say.

 

We were childhood friends, when we reconnected via email he said he was separated. Still living under the same roof until her kids were out of school that spring. They were only married for 6 years and had no kids together, it was a second marriage for both of them. She had left him many times, the last time she had cleaned out their condo while he was at work and moved in with a boyfriend. Then she came back. He doesn't trust her and eventually filed for divorce.

 

He drove 2500 miles to see me and my extended family that was a family to him growing up, since his family was so dysfunctional. He stayed for 3 weeks. Looked for a new job. Etc.

 

He went back home to finalize divorce papers and pack the rest of his stuff and never came back.

 

The excuses were never ending. She's taking time to process that it's over so he's trying to keep the peace until she realizes he's not staying. They thought she could afford the condo on her own but she can't so they have to sell it. He has to do some work to it to get it ready to sell. At one point he admitted they were sleeping in same bed so the kids didn't know they were separating. These were her kids. Teenagers. Not little. That was finally the point that I knew he was lying to me.

 

Come to find out, they had never filed for divorce. He told her he was here just visiting my mother and that they needed a break and that's why he left. They told her kids he was on a business trip. When he went back home they lived as a couple right away.

 

I know this because eventually she saw an email exchange between us and called me to tell me he was lying to me.

 

Everything was a lie. I still think he wanted to leave but didn't have the courage. They are divorced right now (3 years later) and I won't have anything to do with him.

 

I'm telling my story only because it's so hard to see the truth through the lies. He said whatever he needed to say to placate me. All sorts of excuses and I love you's and I'll be back soons and please wait for me and I miss you and I almost have everything in order. And sleeping with her every night.

 

He's a known liar. Good men do not put themselves on dating sites the way he did. AND you said you were talking for months before you met. Why wasn't his divorce filed and almost done in that time? This is not a man who really wants to be divorced.

 

My ex husband and I have 2 kids, a house, a mortgage, investments, property together. We went from 'I want a divorce' to separate last names in 5 months. When you really want it done you make sure it's done.

 

Bottom line is that this guy is not free to enter a relationship. You will be better off saying 'call me when you're divorced and living on your own and we can pick up where we left off'. Trust me.

 

I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself that I wish I had done that. Oh, sorry your marriage is over....call me when it's final and you've moved out of the house.

 

I have so many trust issues now because he said all of the right things and I can't figure out how a person could lie so effortlessly. AND he was a childhood friend who I really loved. How could he do that to me? He's a liar that's how.

 

I know nothing I say will help you see the light. But please be careful and try to distance yourself. What is meant to be will be. You actually have a better chance at a 'happily ever after' let's say if you cut ties with him now and tell him to get in touch with you when it's really over.

 

I blame myself for my situation because I got involved with a man who wasn't really free. It's just as much my fault for being in the middle of it when I knew he was still married. I believed his lies when he said it was over.

 

Good luck to you

[LindsayxoScarth]

It's so hard to give advice because until it happens to you, you won't believe it could happen to you.

 

I am comparing your story to one of my own from a few years ago. Same sort of thing. But he had even LESS reasons to stay, let's say.

 

We were childhood friends, when we reconnected via email he said he was separated. Still living under the same roof until her kids were out of school that spring. They were only married for 6 years and had no kids together, it was a second marriage for both of them. She had left him many times, the last time she had cleaned out their condo while he was at work and moved in with a boyfriend. Then she came back. He doesn't trust her and eventually filed for divorce.

 

He drove 2500 miles to see me and my extended family that was a family to him growing up, since his family was so dysfunctional. He stayed for 3 weeks. Looked for a new job. Etc.

 

He went back home to finalize divorce papers and pack the rest of his stuff and never came back.

 

The excuses were never ending. She's taking time to process that it's over so he's trying to keep the peace until she realizes he's not staying. They thought she could afford the condo on her own but she can't so they have to sell it. He has to do some work to it to get it ready to sell. At one point he admitted they were sleeping in same bed so the kids didn't know they were separating. These were her kids. Teenagers. Not little. That was finally the point that I knew he was lying to me.

 

Come to find out, they had never filed for divorce. He told her he was here just visiting my mother and that they needed a break and that's why he left. They told her kids he was on a business trip. When he went back home they lived as a couple right away.

 

I know this because eventually she saw an email exchange between us and called me to tell me he was lying to me.

 

Everything was a lie. I still think he wanted to leave but didn't have the courage. They are divorced right now (3 years later) and I won't have anything to do with him.

 

I'm telling my story only because it's so hard to see the truth through the lies. He said whatever he needed to say to placate me. All sorts of excuses and I love you's and I'll be back soons and please wait for me and I miss you and I almost have everything in order. And sleeping with her every night.

 

He's a known liar. Good men do not put themselves on dating sites the way he did. AND you said you were talking for months before you met. Why wasn't his divorce filed and almost done in that time? This is not a man who really wants to be divorced.

 

My ex husband and I have 2 kids, a house, a mortgage, investments, property together. We went from 'I want a divorce' to separate last names in 5 months. When you really want it done you make sure it's done.

 

Bottom line is that this guy is not free to enter a relationship. You will be better off saying 'call me when you're divorced and living on your own and we can pick up where we left off'. Trust me.

 

I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself that I wish I had done that. Oh, sorry your marriage is over....call me when it's final and you've moved out of the house.

 

I have so many trust issues now because he said all of the right things and I can't figure out how a person could lie so effortlessly. AND he was a childhood friend who I really loved. How could he do that to me? He's a liar that's how.

 

I know nothing I say will help you see the light. But please be careful and try to distance yourself. What is meant to be will be. You actually have a better chance at a 'happily ever after' let's say if you cut ties with him now and tell him to get in touch with you when it's really over.

 

I blame myself for my situation because I got involved with a man who wasn't really free. It's just as much my fault for being in the middle of it when I knew he was still married. I believed his lies when he said it was over.

 

Good luck to you

 

 

I think I'm going to sithe him down and direct him once more, because I don't honestly know the truth. I'm trying to keep open and understanding.. but I don't want to limit myself. I want to be married before 30.. I want to be happy

[sillychick]

I think I'm going to sithe him down and direct him once more, because I don't honestly know the truth. I'm trying to keep open and understanding.. but I don't want to limit myself. I want to be married before 30.. I want to be happy

 

At this point, I try to keep everything simple.

 

So you do honestly know the truth. He's married. That's all you really need to know. None of the other stuff matters. You could write a book on everything he's said to you and how it's the best love ever and how he feels it too and how he's made promises to you and how bad his marriage is, on and on and on.

 

At the end of the day, he's a married man and that's all that matters.

 

To be honest, the guy I'm talking about in my story, I had no right to get involved with. He had a big mess to clean up and I had no part putting myself in the middle of it. The way we got along when he was here was incredible. We spent 3 weeks together, day and night, grocery shopping, doing things around my house. It was perfect. We made each other laugh.

 

And now he's divorced and I won't have anything to do with him. I wish, for so many reasons, I had told him to just contact me once his divorce was final.

 

There are a lot of emotions that go with the break up of a marriage. It's hard to think. It's hard to know what you feel. It's like the death of everything you thought you knew, everything you had dreamed. The pull to get back together even if you know it won't work is very strong.

 

I remember when my ex and I divorced right before he moved out we ended up sitting at the table sharing a meal with the kids. I made a salad, he cooked steak on the grill and we sat at the table with the kids and told stories and laughed about all sorts of things. I was so sad knowing this was the last time we would do that as a family.

 

This is a man who emotionally abused me for 18 years. I needed out of that marriage, I was killing myself slowly. But it's still sad.

 

The draw to stay is very large. Status in the community, raising your kids under the same roof, familiarity, financial issues. I could go on. I remember thinking during that time for me 'I know why people say they are going to get divorced but not be able to go through with it'. It's incredibly difficult.

 

So you put another person in that mix?? It's not healthy love.

 

There are people (men and women) who can't leave something until they have something to go towards. Monkey branching. Where they need to have a branch to hang on to before they can let go of another. I suspect he's one of those people.

 

I would see if he can stand on his own.

 

I do wish you the best. I remember how hard it was. And also, I let go of a really great guy at the time. And ended up alone. You could be missing out on a great relationship with a guy who is free to explore something with you.

 

Best of luck

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I'm in a relationship... he's proven himself that he's not with his wife. They Co parent their young children. She's stepped out.. so has he. I do feel bad I've asked many times if this is what he wants.. if our relationship is what he wants.. he's made it clear. He spends a lot of time with me, takes me out.

 

It's still an affair, even if you think it's a relationship.

 

And, he still is married and living at home with his wife and children. They co parent together, live life together (whether you see this or not), they do family outings, have meals together with their family. Celebrate holidays and birthdays.

[LindsayxoScarth]

There are things that you can control.

 

You could actually tell him to contact you when his divorce is final. That way you can know for sure when he shows you he has ended that relationship and is technically available to date you.

 

That is healthy for you. That would be the noble way to continue seeing him = when he's divorced and available.

 

 

Final? Or moved our and actually rebuilding noway I could wait 2 years for it to final

[LindsayxoScarth]

Tell me why it would take two years to finalize it? Most states 6-12 months after filing.

 

I think you know he hasn't even filed yet, right?

 

 

 

I don't know if he has filed:( I'm in Canada. I give him his space. Maybe to much after everyone's input I'm going to not be as easy going. I'll be requesting facts I think I'm leaning towards telling him Ill give him the space he needs.. call me when you have your own place. I'm not worried about the finalized divorce as much as I am about him having his own place.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry from Canada little more laid back. I call her that long with my friends. I'm a easy going fun loving girl. I'm certain I know how to keep a man I'm not worried about him being a repeated offender. If he is my lesson. My worry.

 

If you know how to KEEP a man, you know how to get your own! Keeping a man doesn't involve an affair. Let him know who you are and what you expect! Draw the line so that he had to make a clear decision.

[LindsayxoScarth]

Tell me why it would take two years to finalize it? Most states 6-12 months after filing.

 

I think you know he hasn't even filed yet, right?

 

I honestly don't have clue.. I can remember him saying they filed. I'm going to ask for evidence. I'm just looking back at our conversations now, sorry for the double reply ......it's so difficult to know what's wrong when it feels so right.

[anika99]

The part that makes this relationship hard to read, would have to be the fact I've met his closest friends, his brother.... Im invited for a weekend out at his friends cabin.

 

I'm no secret it's like a regular relationship. His brother and friends say "JP is into you, JP lives separate lives from his ex/wife" I feel like I'm reading it right. He's totally my kind of a guy. I guess we will see by June. I gave a deadline. He doesn't know about it, but if he doesn't know what's right on his own I'll move along.

 

He has been living separate *under the same house* she's downstairs he's up... I don't understand it. I do believe him. I can tell when I'm dealing with a liar.

 

Again, pay attention to what you are seeing. The fact that you hang out with his brother and his friends while his wife knows nothing simply means that he surrounds himself with like minded people who have no problem with infidelity and deceit. Birds of a feather flock together and all that. You are actually seeing things about this man that most women wouldn't see while dating a single man. It's like your own crystal ball. You know that should he ever become unhappy with you he will have know problem getting back on POF to line up your replacement before he ditches you. You also know that his friends and his brother will have no problem with this and will actually approve of his cheating on you on you while welcoming his new squeeze into their little circle.

 

Of course this is assuming that he is actually leaving his wife and divorcing. It all sounds pretty odd to me as it seems a divorcing man would be moving out and filing, not trolling for an affair on POF. I'm in Canada too (and I don't use phrases like "baby mama" to refer to someone's wife, so that's definitely not a Canadian thing, it's just a low class way to talk) and I believe there must be a legal and physical separation of 12 months before a divorce will be granted.

[Grapesofwrath]

I told JP to keep her in the dark so the divorce goes over smooth. She is right now agreeing and bring reasonable. I said once she knows about me she won't play nice.

So it was my request. He has no problem talking about me or bringing me around people.

 

To what is she agreeing? Are they legally separated? He mentions they are seeing a mortgage broker. This doesn't make much difference vis a vis a divorce. If they are planning to re-finance, then they are just signing more legal paperwork together, further cementing the union. His assertion that he doesn't want her to know so she will "play nice" is also not that credible. In most states, the laws are the laws. The division of assets is the division of assets. If she is also a cheater, then his cheating will not affect the outcome. So why does he need her to "play nice?"

 

These messages looks like appeasement to me. Is he legally separated? Do they have a plan in place for separation? Are their children aware that separation is coming? These are the signs. A vague promise that mediation is "the next step" tells you nothing.

[bewell]

This is not going to end well for you. I know it's hard but the best thing for you is to cut ties with him and move on. I'm saying this to you because I wish I had the sense to do it when I was starting out with xMM. It's only going to get ugly from here on out. And even if you end up with him, I can guarantee you that you won't be happy.