How can I let go of MM and move on?

[ladyluck777]

Many of you have probably read hundreds of stories like this. I probably should know the answers already, I wish I did. Things would be much simpler if I did.

 

There is a man that I care so deeply about. We talk everyday, about everything. I adore him so much. I feel closer to him than anyone else in my life.

 

We met 12 years ago and had a platonic friendship, but drifted apart as our lives went in opposite directions. We both ended up married. Being married for me is very lonely. I don't know what it is like for him. A year ago, we reconnected online. We talked everyday for a month. Then we decided to meet in person.

 

For me, seeing him was incredible. It was like time had never moved. I hugged and kissed him because that's what I had wanted to do for years. We spent an entire day together and that is probably a day I'll never forget. I can't explain the feeling I get when I am around him. It it like a rush, I have always felt that way. I thought about him a lot over the years, I always wondered what could have been if we hadn't drifted apart. There was a time that day when I had to fight back some tears. I regret being so shy years ago and letting him get away.

 

Over a course of 8 months, we had sex 7 times. The sex was very good. He was very affectionate toward me, we always laid together after sex and relaxed. We would shower together. I am in my 30s and I had never experienced much affection from a man. It was different for me. I liked it.

 

I started feeling myself get attached to him. It scared me a little because I have never really been attached to anyone. Because he's older than me I thought he may be able to offer me some advice, or reassure me with a comment like, "that's normal, don't worry about it".

 

I didn't want him to be afraid of me. The feeling I had was just deep closeness. I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't have expectations from him. I didn't ask him to get divorced. I just brought up the feeling because it made me nervous.

 

I was really confused. I had tapered off anti-depressants a couple of months prior to that. One of my doctors was having me to try hormones for mood regulation. I didn't know if what I was feeling was real or just my emotions going crazy. I even considered the release of Oxytocin. I didn't want to have feelings for him. I wanted to blame it on something else.

 

When I talked to him about it, he was very snappy with me about it. He was very firm in that our relationship was a sex relationship. While I didn't want more, it hurt my feelings because I suddenly felt insignificant. I didn't want him to place me on a pedestal, but I wanted to feel that I was important to him in some way. That I mattered more to him in some way than his other friends. He never would tell me that I did and it bothered me.

 

Looking back, I see now that it was really stupid for me to place importance on that.

 

I think that pretty much ruined things for us. It was short lived after that. He told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he felt guilt due to being married. I knew he was uncomfortable as a result of what I had told him, but I wasn't really expecting that. It hit me very hard and I cried daily for a month. I cried myself to sleep every night.

 

A month later, our conversations became deep again. He said he wanted to see me, to be together again. We planned an evening just to meet and hang out. I was beyond thrilled. The day before, I bought a new dress, got a haircut, waxed, did my nails, applied some spray tan. I spent about 2 hours getting ready that morning. I wanted to look stunning for him, and that I did. He told me he couldn't meet me because he was sick.

 

I felt that was an excuse, I felt led on. I fussed at him for changing his mind so often. He let me know what I was selfish for only thinking of myself. I argued and fussed at him. I felt like a complete idiot and I wanted to make him feel as bad as I felt. He says he really was sick that day.

 

That was the end of it. I experienced a big set back, the entire process of hurting has started over again. I do a good job at fighting it most days. I have some days where I still grieve for him. He has let me know that we won't ever be together again.

 

I don't know what really happened. If I scared him so badly that he bailed, if he genuinely felt guilt due to being married or if he is with another woman now.

 

The one thing I do know is that I feel like I am never going to stop hurting. I don't understand how I can possibly want someone so badly. I don't ever want to forget him but at the same time, I don't want to be this vulnerable.

 

I really wish I could find some way to be with him again, but I know that is impossible. The only thing I can really do is let go of him and move on. I don't know how to do that. I have never been through anything like this before. I have never hurt like this before. How can I let go and move on?

[Grey Cloud]

It's going to take a long time to feel better and back to 'normal' but the good news is that you can start that process today.

 

What you had with him was not real. It was a fantasy, an escape from the real world. He has made it perfectly clear to you it's just about sex for him. The fact he has run a mile in the opposite direction when you told him you were getting attached speaks volumes.

 

As for when he was sick, he probably either felt guilty and got cold feet or he just wanted the ego boost to see if you would fall at his feet to meet up with him again. Which is exactly what you did.

 

You mention you are married? What is your relationship like with your husband? You need to invest all your thoughts, feelings and emotions into your marriage for it to stand a chance and for you to move past this. Why don't you put all that effort into looking nice, applying tan etc and do the same for your husband and go on a date night?

 

Your MM is a dead end to no where except more misery and grief. It can stop today before you fall further down the black hole. You just need to take that first step. Go NC and know it will horrible and sad and emotional but do it anyway. It's the only way you will move past this whole thing and feel better.

[Satu]

If you're not happy in your marriage, end it and move on.

 

Affairs are not the answer.

[BuddyX]

So it was strictly about sex, and when he confirmed it, you got upset?

Seriously, you spent 2 hours getting ready? I feel sorry for your husband. That amount of time and energy could've been spent on rebuilding your marriage. And before you say, "It's not working", think long and hard on why you got married.

 

Recent poster said it best

"Affairs are by their very nature dishonest. It's interesting how we seek truth in a cloud of deception. In the end, I think we're only fooling ourselves. We're to blame for being naive - for believing anything at all."

[ladyluck777]

I suppose I should have incorporated the story of my marriage in with this, but it is quite lengthy and I wanted to stay on topic. You know what? I feel sorry for him also.

 

GreyCloud you have really shed some light for me. Your response will help me. Last night was a sleepless night but maybe I will have less of them going forward.

Edited May 3, 2016 by ladyluck777
Referenced wrong username when talking directly to someone

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though you're so lonely and so miserable in your marriage that you put all your needs, desires and hope into this user.

 

And that's what he is.

 

A user.

 

The only decent thing that can be said about him is that he didn't future fake you, like so many other married men do to keep their OW's right where they want them. At least he was honest and told you that he was only seeing you for sex.

 

You're not a victim here. You're a volunteer. I'm just being realistic. You know exactly what you were to this man and you're still clinging to hope that you'll be with him again.

 

It's time to take off the rose-colored glasses.

 

A little time and distance from this guy will put things back into perspective for you.

[2016forme]

You must admit to yourself that you will never be close to your MM.

 

You sound as though you are torn between two worlds. You are trying to figure out how to get away from your MM although you are married to someone yourself.

 

You need to look deep within yourself in order to stop having an illicit affair with your MM.

 

An affair will not be the solution. You are only plaguing yourself by digging a deeper hole.

 

The more you carry out the affair with MM, it will be harder for you to break away.

 

You only doing yourself a disservice.

[Forceawakensme]

He has given you the ultimate gift, not only has he shown you who he is, he's told you so there's no confusion.

 

You are in a FWB situation with a few extra trimmings... That is all it is. He will not fulfill you emotionally and if you go to him for anything of that nature, you will be met with more cold distance. It makes him uncomfortable, makes him feel guilty and generally turns him off you as he doesn't want the "feelings" stuff in this friendship. He wants the physical side with the friendship... again FWB.

 

Im sorry, i know it hurts and what you asked him would be fine if he felt the same way, his reaction shows you he doesn't.

 

If i were you i'd go dark. Step away completely, NC (so he cant lure you back with fake words in an effort to get 'one more time in the sack'). Just walk away from this and put it down to a learning experience.

 

Once you get out of your marriage you can find what you're really wanting for real. This guy isn't it.

[ladyluck777]

It sounds as though you're so lonely and so miserable in your marriage that you put all your needs, desires and hope into this user.

 

And that's what he is.

 

A user.

 

The only decent thing that can be said about him is that he didn't future fake you, like so many other married men do to keep their OW's right where they want them. At least he was honest and told you that he was only seeing you for sex.

 

You're not a victim here. You're a volunteer. I'm just being realistic. You know exactly what you were to this man and you're still clinging to hope that you'll be with him again.

 

It's time to take off the rose-colored glasses.

 

A little time and distance from this guy will put things back into perspective for you.

 

Lois, you hit the nail on the head with everything you have said. I am realizing things about myself that I had never even considered before.

[ladyluck777]

An affair will not be the solution. You are only plaguing yourself by digging a deeper hole.

 

The more you carry out the affair with MM, it will be harder for you to break away.

 

You only doing yourself a disservice.

 

I had never considered that by being involved with him and by wanting to be with him again, I was doing myself an injustice. I was thinking all of this time that I had failed myself by messing things up with him. I was thinking that the affair was what I need in order to be happy because it made me happy before. As Grey said above, it was a fantasy, an escape from the real world. A fantasy can't make me happy. As Buddy quoted, I was only fooling myself.

 

I can see where I have in fact done myself an injustice. Moving on seemed so impossible yesterday, but today after looking at the situation from another perspective, it seems attainable.

[ladyluck777]

If i were you i'd go dark. Step away completely, NC (so he cant lure you back with fake words in an effort to get 'one more time in the sack'). Just walk away from this and put it down to a learning experience.

I've been thinking a lot about NC today. Reading other people's posts, it really seems to be the way. That is such a hard thing to do when you are used to talking to someone everyday. I feel like I'm going to have to make myself do it. Maybe it will be much easier if I can keep myself really busy day in and day out until that habit is broken.

[Can't let go]

I am having the exact same difficulties you are with moving on. I know it's the constant daily contact that I miss. I wish you luck in getting through this difficult time. I have no advice on what will make it better because I haven't found anything. It just plain sucks. I'm praying a lot.

 

I do understand. You just want him out of yout mind. I'm sure you have plenty of other things to focus on but the thought of him constantly interferes with that. It's hard to block him out.

 

The only comfort I can give you right now is to tell you that you're not alone.

[SomethingToSay]

You are so imhappy on your marriage that you totally over-romamticized him and the a. And basically placed him in some role as your personal savior.

 

You say you need to "think" about NC. Does that me you two are still communicating?

 

As a side note, how rich that he said YOU were being selfish and thinking onlu of yourself. Best laugh I've had all week.

 

Take off the blinders hon and get into some therapy to address yoir happiness and marriage. That is what you need. Not this *******.

[ladyluck777]

I am having the exact same difficulties you are with moving on. I know it's the constant daily contact that I miss. I wish you luck in getting through this difficult time. I have no advice on what will make it better because I haven't found anything. It just plain sucks. I'm praying a lot.

 

I do understand. You just want him out of yout mind. I'm sure you have plenty of other things to focus on but the thought of him constantly interferes with that. It's hard to block him out.

 

The only comfort I can give you right now is to tell you that you're not alone.

 

I hate that you are going through what you are. I appreciate your kind words. I feel that it helps me to correspond with people on here. I have never experienced this before, so it is new to me. Today is the first day that I have felt any strength at all, the first day that I haven't felt like an emotional wreck. I feel hopeful today. I hope that it has helped you in some way also. I hope that you find comfort.

[ladyluck777]

You are so imhappy on your marriage that you totally over-romamticized him and the a. And basically placed him in some role as your personal savior.

 

You say you need to "think" about NC. Does that me you two are still communicating?

 

As a side note, how rich that he said YOU were being selfish and thinking onlu of yourself. Best laugh I've had all week.

 

Take off the blinders hon and get into some therapy to address yoir happiness and marriage. That is what you need. Not this *******.

 

Yes I think that due to unhappiness in my personal life, I leaned on him way too much and depended on him. I am selfish for even finding myself in this situation, but he isn't in a position to make such a judgment. I have tried not to judge him. All I know for sure are things he has told me. I don't know his thoughts or feelings. It has been hard for me to tell myself that he has done wrong by me. I do realize that I done wrong and made a huge mistake.

 

I truly do want to let go. I want to go an entire day without talking to him. I don't want to make excuses for him. I don't want to put myself through what I have been feeling anymore with another set back. I wish it was as easy to do it as it is for me to write it. I really want to try.

 

I didn't know that NC is used as a tool for healing. I had to look up and see what NC meant and in doing so, I read about how vital it is. I thought communication with him was helping me but I'm seeing now that it has actually hurt me. This is all new to me. I have certainly been learning a lot here.

[Chuff]

I've been thinking a lot about NC today. Reading other people's posts, it really seems to be the way. That is such a hard thing to do when you are used to talking to someone everyday. I feel like I'm going to have to make myself do it. Maybe it will be much easier if I can keep myself really busy day in and day out until that habit is broken.

 

I asked my H for a divorce and we separated at the end of last year. There was no unfaithfulness, just a realization that life was taking us in 2 different directions. We're still good friends.

 

And then a friendship with a MM crossed the line into an EA and a PA with some kissing. His wife found out (some of it), and it ended. I thought I was going to die, I was in so much pain.

 

It's going to suck. It's going to be painful. There will be daily tears - maybe for weeks, like there was for me.

 

It felt like he died because it was so abrupt.

 

We used to text daily, all day, every day, sometimes up to 100 times! To go from constant contact like that to...nothing...was excruciating. I didn't get out of bed for 10 days.

 

And our A was "only" 3 mths and there was no sex, so I can't even imagine how much more attached you are to your MM.

 

It's an addiction, plain and simple.

 

That was exactly 11 weeks ago.

 

Since then I have been in counseling and went back on antidepressants. After initially pushing everyone away and isolating myself, I finally reached out to 2 trusted friends and told them everything. And guess what - I only received love and understanding and no judgment...even when I gave in and broke NC.

 

Oh, and one of those friends set me up on a blind date and we've been dating now for over a month. And it's good.

 

It will get better, but the sooner you go NC, the sooner your healing can start. And we will be here every step of the way!

[BuddyX]

The victim is your husband. Why aren't you divorcing him? If you're still talking to MM, then your still deep into the affair.

[ladyluck777]

The victim is your husband. Why aren't you divorcing him? If you're still talking to MM, then your still deep into the affair.

Just curious, are you a man?

[BuddyX]

Always was. Always am.

Edited May 4, 2016 by BuddyX

[ladyluck777]

Always was. Always am.

That explains a lot.

[ladyluck777]

I found what I needed here with this post. I believe I will move onto a different one now.

I want to thank everyone who commented for helping me to learn about myself, being truthful with me, giving me good advice and helping me to realize what I need to do next. I appreciate your time and support. Today was my second good day. I feel like I have gained strength here and can finally break free from this.