Ex of 5 Years Still Hurts and in Contact

[Searchin81]

I have posted on this site previously. I haven't posted in about two years. My ex was married, He is no longer with that person but is still married to them. The whole time he was married he was texting me. Last year he told me, i was the one that got away, that he should have married me, that he loved me the most, and said maybe some day he would marry me. But to give him time and not right away. His wife was cheating and using drugs, and he is kinda of the same way. I didn't think anything of it and i said nothing, i just let it play in my head. I was doing great, kinda seeing someone new, who is a good person but My feelings for him just dont match the ones i had for my ex. My ex asked my to go out, do things, see him, but i didn't take the bait because he was still married. I never made myself available to see him. Even recently he still text me that he wants to see me and said I should drop the guy im kinda seeing. So this weekend I see him at a mutual friends he is with someone new, not his wife. I met this person before and he said they were just friends. And i overheard from someone else that they arent officially together. And he hesitated before he even came over and said hello to me. This person is another type that is probably into drugs. We are facebook friends. But i have been doing fine for years, But now I feel like im going through the pain again because he is with someone else, that he just met like two months again, and he still staying things to me. What do i do?

[Zahara]

You cut all contact. He is still married. He's doing drugs. He's dating outside of his marriage. You don't need to be involved in that kind of mess. I'm not sure what your objective is -- are you waiting for him to divorce? It doesn't seem like it's happening anytime soon. Why would you even want to be with someone like him?

[Searchin81]

I just feel like i love him, thats all it boils down to. And always hope that he will smarten up and change.

[BC1980]

I just feel like i love him, thats all it boils down to. And always hope that he will smarten up and change.

 

I understand loving someone, but it's obviously not reciprocated at the same level. He says a lot of what you want to hear, but there are no actions to back it up. He claims you are the one that got away but is still married and seeing someone else on the side. He's also texting you while married. All of that is inappropriate, and he would do the same to you if you were married to him. Loving him isn't enough to say in limbo for 5 years and be put on the back burner.

[Zahara]

I just feel like i love him, thats all it boils down to. And always hope that he will smarten up and change.

 

I went back and read some of your threads. Going back to 2012, which you said you ended 3 years ago -- that would mean this has been going on since 2009? You ended it with him. He jumped into a relationship a month later. Got married. You both were sexting while he was married. Douchebag behavior. Fast forward -- all these years you're still hoping?

 

Love? Why did you end the relationship?

 

If after 4 years he has not made the steps to come your way, it's time to shut the door. He's still married and looking for an escape. You couldn't provide it for him, so he's moved onto someone else. Stop being foolish and wasting your years over this man.

 

Maybe it would be time to invest in professional help. Try and figure out why you're incapable of detaching from a situation that has been so unhealthy for you, and one that has kept you stuck for so long.

[Kelsy]

hi! Maybe you are romaticizing him? And maybe its like a dream for you to be with him. Like they say "We want what we can't have". But in reality life with him might not be that good at all. Drugs, cheating, he needs attention from other woman. I think he is very confused man.

[Searchin81]

Sometimes when I see him I feel we don't have a lot to talk about , but I just can't shake the feeling that I love him. I really wish I wasn't like this, just seeing him with somebody else got me so upset the other day and jealous. And I just don't understand why he would say all these things about how he wants me and loved me and then just go off with someone else. Someone please help me understand I just don't get it!

[whichwayisup]

He isn't interested. If he was, he'd be with you all the time and nothing would get in his way.

 

You're wasting your precious heart on him and that's hurting you. I think you're caught up in the fantasy and preconceived idea of who you think he is. He isn't that person. He's dating someone else, isn't divorced and has no intention of being with you. Sorry if that hurts to read but the best thing you can do is delete him off of facebook, grieve the loss and allow yourself to really cry over him and then move on. Go NC and never look back. He was never yours to begin with.

[Searchin81]

But i cant understand then why he keeps contacting me and saying Nice stuff. Why not just leave me alone, why try and torture me? Why say he should have married me and maybe someday? Why does he keep saying he wanted to see me, even two weeks ago. I just dont understand why he would do that

[Heatemyheart89]

But i cant understand then why he keeps contacting me and saying Nice stuff. Why not just leave me alone, why try and torture me? Why say he should have married me and maybe someday? Why does he keep saying he wanted to see me, even two weeks ago. I just dont understand why he would do that

Because he is a douche, nothing more, nothing less. Move on from this.

[Searchin81]

He always makes me feel like there is still a chance. Then i feel like maybe im not trying hard enough or reaching out to him and meeting him halfway and he thinks im not interested. He asked me once if i loved him and I think i was unable to answer because i was afraid to. Then another time he said no one would love him the way i did and this and that. So i always wonder if im not doing enough.

[stillafool]

Sometimes when I see him I feel we don't have a lot to talk about , but I just can't shake the feeling that I love him. I really wish I wasn't like this, just seeing him with somebody else got me so upset the other day and jealous. And I just don't understand why he would say all these things about how he wants me and loved me and then just go off with someone else. Someone please help me understand I just don't get it!

 

Because he doesn't love you. If he did he would be pursuing a relationship with you (no matter what) instead of getting a new girlfriend. Wise up, block him, don't look at his FB page and move on.

[Searchin81]

But he says he loves me and said he always loved me the best, I would never call one of my exs up and say stuff like that just for the hell of it if i did not mean it. I think he really wants me but knows i wont put up with his "Partying" so that is what is stopping him, so he goes for someone that is more tolerant of that behavior than i am, Maybe an enabler?

[Zahara]

But he says he loves me and said he always loved me the best, I would never call one of my exs up and say stuff like that just for the hell of it if i did not mean it. I think he really wants me but knows i wont put up with his "Partying" so that is what is stopping him, so he goes for someone that is more tolerant of that behavior than i am, Maybe an enabler?

 

 

I would hope that at some point you realize that words mean nothing. Pay close attention to ACTIONS. Actions have shown you that for the many years you've been in this pit, he has not chosen you. Again, actions -- not words. Anyone can spew a bunch of words, but does it mean it's true? Words that match actions -- reliable and trustworthy. Words with a whole bunch of nothing else -- unreliable and untrue. He's given you goose eggs.

 

You're in deep denial. This isn't about love. This is about rejection. You can't accept the rejection so you keep holding on hoping he'll one day validate you -- maybe then you'll feel better about yourself. This isn't about him. This is about you and how poorly you see yourself.

[Searchin81]

I would hope that at some point you realize that words mean nothing. Pay close attention to ACTIONS. Actions have shown you that for the many years you've been in this pit, he has not chosen you. Again, actions -- not words. Anyone can spew a bunch of words, but does it mean it's true? Words that match actions -- reliable and trustworthy. Words with a whole bunch of nothing else -- unreliable and untrue. He's given you goose eggs.

 

You're in deep denial. This isn't about love. This is about rejection. You can't accept the rejection so you keep holding on hoping he'll one day validate you -- maybe then you'll feel better about yourself. This isn't about him. This is about you and how poorly you see yourself.

 

 

 

You could be right about the rejection.. But what do i do? I think its part that but part love. What actions should i be looking for from him? Maybe he is nervous that i will reject him so he only hints.

[Zahara]

You could be right about the rejection.. But what do i do? I think its part that but part love. What actions should i be looking for from him? Maybe he is nervous that i will reject him so he only hints.

 

What did/do you love about him? Why did you end it with him? Please answer these questions.

 

What actions should i be looking for from him?

You've hung around for years. He is not interested in you. He's never attempted to do anything to commit or make a life with you.

 

Maybe he is nervous that i will reject him so he only hints.

 

This is what you said about him:

- The whole time he was married he was texting me.

- His wife was cheating and using drugs, and he is kinda of the same way.

- My ex asked my to go out, do things, see him, but i didn't take the bait because he was still married.

- So this weekend I see him at a mutual friends he is with someone new, not his wife. This person is another type that is probably into drugs.

 

He's a cheater and a drug addict. Who cares if you reject him? You shouldn't be engaging or even thinking about revisiting this man.

 

Do you not believe you deserve any better? Is this the best you think you can do for yourself?

[Searchin81]

Why did i love him? I think is is genuinely a good person and a little lost. he made me feel loved and made me a part of his family, then it was all torn away. We broke up because i feel there were substance abuse issues, he told me i was wrong ect tried turning it around on me.. met someone new a few months later and got married. Alot of people that i know say he doesn't deserve me but i never felt that way. I think he is a good person, wants me, but for some reason cant leave these trashy kind of people out of his life. I feel hurt that he chose that kind of group over me. Like what is wrong with me that he hangs out with a bunch of drug types, and trashy types but not me. he even said im one of the best people he knows, that i kept him on the straight and narrow better than anyone and that im a great person. ect, but he still makes the decision to go with people that are probably into some kind of drugs and are not in his best interest.

[Zahara]

Why did i love him? I think is is genuinely a good person and a little lost. he made me feel loved and made me a part of his family, then it was all torn away. We broke up because i feel there were substance abuse issues, he told me i was wrong ect tried turning it around on me.. met someone new a few months later and got married. Alot of people that i know say he doesn't deserve me but i never felt that way. I think he is a good person, wants me, but for some reason cant leave these trashy kind of people out of his life. I feel hurt that he chose that kind of group over me. Like what is wrong with me that he hangs out with a bunch of drug types, and trashy types but not me. he even said im one of the best people he knows, that i kept him on the straight and narrow better than anyone and that im a great person. ect, but he still makes the decision to go with people that are probably into some kind of drugs and are not in his best interest.

 

You're idealizing him. You're in this fog -- like he's the only man walking the earth that's "good". He's a drug addict and a cheater. You mentioned that he is lost. No, you're lost. He knows exactly where he wants to be, what he wants to do and who he wants to do it with. You on the other hand, like lost sheep, still waiting for some man to choose you. And do you actually think substance abuse is an easy turn around? Change isn't a guarantee. If it broke your relationship once, trust it's going to happen more often if you both were together.

 

He's choosing a lifestyle that works for him. This is who he is and who he wants to be. You are not a priority. You are not someone he wants as a part of his life. He's not changing for you or for anyone. You either join him or seek a relationship with a man that shares the same values and goals that you do.

 

You're sitting there pining and waiting for someone to change for you. It's not happening.

 

"I know say he doesn't deserve me but i never felt that way." That's because you feel you don't deserve any better.

[Searchin81]

Then why does he keep saying this stuff to me? Thats what i dont get, even two weeks ago telling me to lose the guy i was seeing. Why? does he want to change but cant? Why is he self destructing and not making better decisions. Even not being with him, i have his best interest at heart. I feel like he is trying to self destruct and it kills me to because i have feelings for him. I feel that he could change and wants to but doesn't know how.

[BC1980]

I think he is a good person, wants me, but for some reason cant leave these trashy kind of people out of his life. I feel hurt that he chose that kind of group over me. Like what is wrong with me that he hangs out with a bunch of drug types, and trashy types but not me. he even said im one of the best people he knows, that i kept him on the straight and narrow better than anyone and that im a great person. ect, but he still makes the decision to go with people that are probably into some kind of drugs and are not in his best interest.

 

Let him own his decisions. There is no mystery reason as to why he can't leave these people, clean up his lifestyle, and be with you. The reason is that HE DOES NOT WANT TO. He loves his current lifestyle more than being with you. That is the reason. There isn't some mythical reason. There isn't some obstacle that he can't overcome. You aren't going to help him make it to the other side, and you aren't going to save him. That is the plot of a Disney movie or a romantic comedy. The movies where the couple is meant to be together, but they have to overcome obstacles in their paths to get to each other.

 

He says a lot of stuff, but he won't back it up with any action. He does not reciprocate your feelings. It's easy to say stuff. It's easy to blow smoke up a person's butt. He is a grown man who is responsible for his life decisions.

[BC1980]

Then why does he keep saying this stuff to me? Thats what i dont get, even two weeks ago telling me to lose the guy i was seeing. Why? does he want to change but cant? Why is he self destructing and not making better decisions. Even not being with him, i have his best interest at heart. I feel like he is trying to self destruct and it kills me to because i have feelings for him. I feel that he could change and wants to but doesn't know how.

 

He keeps saying stuff because it's easy to say stuff. It's easy to make promises in the moment. We've all done it. I was addicted to soft drinks for many years. I even made a thread about it. For years, I would say how tomorrow I was going to get off the soft drinks. Tomorrow would be the day for sure. I would even believe it until tomorrow came. Then, it was a different story. When the time came to put down the Coke, I couldn't follow through. It was too hard. Talk is cheap. When I finally stopped with the soft drinks not too long ago, it was so hard. And it's been hard at times after that too. It's work.

 

Believe it or not, people act the same way in relationships. They say a lot of things in the moment that they can't make good on when the time comes. Some are even dubious enough to make the promises and know they have no intention of following through. He has to save himself if he wants to change. That is not your issue to fix. If you want to save him, that is co-dependent behavior. Sometimes, you have to wash your hands of people and let them be who they want to be.

[Searchin81]

actually i would say i dont reciprocate his feelings.. He has been more expressive than me i think. He has said his feelings but i have been more reserved given his history.

[BC1980]

actually i would say i dont reciprocate his feelings.. He has been more expressive than me i think. He has said his feelings but i have been more reserved given his history.

 

Are you saying that you haven't told him you love him? I was saying that you love him, but his actions do not indicate that he loves you. At the very least, he does not love you to the same degree as you do him.

[Searchin81]

Are you saying that you haven't told him you love him? I was saying that you love him, but his actions do not indicate that he loves you. At the very least, he does not love you to the same degree as you do him.

 

Yes i dont think i said it clearly. When i got a phone call from him last summer, he said he has been wanting to tell me that stuff for a while but in person, but since i would never meet with him he didnt get the chance and called me and told me on the phone. That i was the one that got away, he loved me the most, should have married me, asked to hang out with me ect.. but it also came with ... give me time, not right away. So i didnt not really tell him how i felt and said i didn't want it right away either, i did feel a little insulted when he said that. Like why bother telling me. And he asked to see me on that phone call but i didnt see him. And there was more after that.. Though in the past few months he has calmed that down alittle though i still get messages even two weeks ago that i never make time to see him, i said he never asks, he said he makes hints because he doesn't want to get rejected. That was in the past month.. Now he is "Seeing" someone new.. but of course didnt tell me that i found out from other people.. he just says its a friend. Maybe im not communicating enough? And he knows im going out with someone else, though i told him it was just a friend too lol, but the guy im seeing agrees we are just friends to.. where his seems kinda official and he is telling people he is seeing someone, but not telling me.

[mmmike]

I have posted on this site previously. I haven't posted in about two years. My ex was married, He is no longer with that person but is still married to them. The whole time he was married he was texting me. Last year he told me, i was the one that got away, that he should have married me, that he loved me the most, and said maybe some day he would marry me. But to give him time and not right away. His wife was cheating and using drugs, and he is kinda of the same way. I didn't think anything of it and i said nothing, i just let it play in my head. I was doing great, kinda seeing someone new, who is a good person but My feelings for him just dont match the ones i had for my ex. My ex asked my to go out, do things, see him, but i didn't take the bait because he was still married. I never made myself available to see him. Even recently he still text me that he wants to see me and said I should drop the guy im kinda seeing. So this weekend I see him at a mutual friends he is with someone new, not his wife. I met this person before and he said they were just friends. And i overheard from someone else that they arent officially together. And he hesitated before he even came over and said hello to me. This person is another type that is probably into drugs. We are facebook friends. But i have been doing fine for years, But now I feel like im going through the pain again because he is with someone else, that he just met like two months again, and he still staying things to me. What do i do?

 

My Ex left me for a party boy a year ago. They broke up four months into the relationship and my ex came back to me but still had both feet in two ponds because the party boy kept persuading my ex to come back. Then my ex pulled away from me and went back to him. I am STILL gutted. I cannot believe what my ex has become. The ex is starting to look "used up" and is obviously partying/drinking in excess/drugging. I have dated others and they all like me but I just cannot let go of the hurt and realize I'm just not ready to date or trust someone. The way my Ex hooked up with this party boy too was that they were meeting while we were still together and the party boy did everything to hide that fact including block me on Facebook and steal my Ex away. Waiting on Karma because of the serious amount of pain I've been caused. I blame my Ex way less than I do the piece of trash that stole my Ex away. Lol I will only now refer to this person as "My Ex." Feel better, we're all in this together. Even though it hurts -- remember the person you love doesn't have much integrity and that's a scary thing (especially when drugs are involved.)

Edited May 4, 2016 by mmmike