Ex of 5 Years Still Hurts and in Contact

[Searchin81]

Yes.. My ex certainly got his.. His wife cheated on him.. not just with one person either, and that the tip of the ice berg, i wont even explain the rest. then left him for another guy.. and was doing drugs.. then my ex wanted to help get better. she wasn't attracted to him anymore.. He got treated horrible and yet they are still friends. And he lets these party types hook him back in, Even the new person he is dating, is cut from the same dirty cloth. From what i hear ex drinks every single night. always drunk. I think he knows im the best one, as he said, But for whatever reason he doesnt want to change his lifestyle. Though occasionally he tells me he wants to and hates it.

[BC1980]

Yes i dont think i said it clearly. When i got a phone call from him last summer, he said he has been wanting to tell me that stuff for a while but in person, but since i would never meet with him he didnt get the chance and called me and told me on the phone. That i was the one that got away, he loved me the most, should have married me, asked to hang out with me ect.. but it also came with ... give me time, not right away. So i didnt not really tell him how i felt and said i didn't want it right away either, i did feel a little insulted when he said that. Like why bother telling me. And he asked to see me on that phone call but i didnt see him. And there was more after that.. Though in the past few months he has calmed that down alittle though i still get messages even two weeks ago that i never make time to see him, i said he never asks, he said he makes hints because he doesn't want to get rejected. That was in the past month.. Now he is "Seeing" someone new.. but of course didnt tell me that i found out from other people.. he just says its a friend. Maybe im not communicating enough? And he knows im going out with someone else, though i told him it was just a friend too lol, but the guy im seeing agrees we are just friends to.. where his seems kinda official and he is telling people he is seeing someone, but not telling me.

 

I think that you've communicated to him that you will always be in the background, so there is no urgency on his part. You may not have said as much, but your actions betrayed you. And people just know. He's aware that he has to do very little to keep you around. He's comfortable doing the minimum for two reasons:

 

1. He doesn't love you enough to make the full effort. I think he could take you or leave you and would bounce back quickly if you exited his life for good.

 

2. You have shown him that only the minimum is required to keep you in his life.

[Kelsy]

I think he is keeping you backburner. He may have some warm feelings towards you but I dont think he really really loves you. He is dating around and wants you to be there for him. Thats why he is saying those nice words. Some people can be selfish. I know it hurts a lot and you want to know why he is acting like this. This is his personality. This "give me time" is very lame excuse. And it is strange he married other woman so soon. It seems like he doesnt know what real love is. I think if you really fall in love with someone else then you will forget about him.

[Zahara]

Then why does he keep saying this stuff to me? Thats what i dont get, even two weeks ago telling me to lose the guy i was seeing. Why? does he want to change but cant? Why is he self destructing and not making better decisions. Even not being with him, i have his best interest at heart. I feel like he is trying to self destruct and it kills me to because i have feelings for him. I feel that he could change and wants to but doesn't know how.

 

It's because it's easy to spew words. He has not exhibited any action to make you a part of his life other than to keep wanting to cheat with you and stick with his lifestyle. I'm not sure how many more years you're planning on investing sitting and waiting for some miracle to happen.

 

I think people who are so adamant and focused on another person changing is someone that's trying to avoid facing their own issues. This has been going on since 2009. Maybe change needs to come from you at this point.

[mmmike]

Yes.. My ex certainly got his.. His wife cheated on him.. not just with one person either, and that the tip of the ice berg, i wont even explain the rest. then left him for another guy.. and was doing drugs.. then my ex wanted to help get better. she wasn't attracted to him anymore.. He got treated horrible and yet they are still friends. And he lets these party types hook him back in, Even the new person he is dating, is cut from the same dirty cloth. From what i hear ex drinks every single night. always drunk. I think he knows im the best one, as he said, But for whatever reason he doesnt want to change his lifestyle. Though occasionally he tells me he wants to and hates it.

 

The pain is awful. As you know, I totally get how you're feeling. I swear if it weren't for these forums, I'd be doing a lot worse than I am. Still in serious pain, but venting here helps. I hope somehow you start to feel better and are able to move on from this slowly as you heal. It can takes years as we both know. I'm not in contact with mine which I think is better, But sometimes not knowing is worse. Good luck

[Searchin81]

Maybe some of it is me. I feel he has made somewhat of an attempt to make me part of his life again. He has invited me up, but then i was nervous and said i didnt want to see his family or anything because of what they would think. he said he wanted to be honest and not hide me. But i felt nervous about moving to fast and how i would look to people if i was seen with him. he has asked me to go out before and i kinda kept pushing him off because i was nerovus, so he stopped asking. Maybe he thought i wasn't interstated because i didnt except. he is kinda insecure, and has made comments like."I try to see you and you never see me" and that i just tease him by saying i want to see him and he doesnt want to put himself out there because he is afraid i will reject him. but i feel he should come out straight and ask to see me, not give me hints. Sometimes i feel he doesnt ask because he doesnt want me to think we are together and wants me to ask him.

[Zahara]

Maybe some of it is me. I feel he has made somewhat of an attempt to make me part of his life again. He has invited me up, but then i was nervous and said i didnt want to see his family or anything because of what they would think. he said he wanted to be honest and not hide me. But i felt nervous about moving to fast and how i would look to people if i was seen with him. he has asked me to go out before and i kinda kept pushing him off because i was nerovus, so he stopped asking. Maybe he thought i wasn't interstated because i didnt except. he is kinda insecure, and has made comments like."I try to see you and you never see me" and that i just tease him by saying i want to see him and he doesnt want to put himself out there because he is afraid i will reject him. but i feel he should come out straight and ask to see me, not give me hints. Sometimes i feel he doesnt ask because he doesnt want me to think we are together and wants me to ask him.

 

OP, the moment he realized he wasn't going to get you to cheat with him, he found another woman to fill that spot. Someone that shares his lifestyle and someone that isn't going to expect him to change.

 

Regardless of all that and his promises/sweet words -- even if you both got together 1) how will his drug addiction fit your needs/wants 2) his drinking problems -- isn't that going to be an issue 3) if/when things aren't working out with you and him, do you think he'd seek women to cheat on you with? Addictive behavior is dangerous.

 

Kick "change" to the curb. That isn't happening. Not for you at least. Even if he tried changing for you, it would be temporary. He has to do it on his own. And that may never happen anytime soon. These are addictions. Educate yourself. It's a life long battle.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Zahara

[whichwayisup]

But i cant understand then why he keeps contacting me and saying Nice stuff. Why not just leave me alone, why try and torture me? Why say he should have married me and maybe someday? Why does he keep saying he wanted to see me, even two weeks ago. I just dont understand why he would do that

 

Ego feed. He knows you're into him and he likes that he can manipulate you and cave. He has complete control, he says JUMP and you say how high? He loves that he can cancel on you and treat you like crap, then the next day be nice and you'll gush and follow him like a puppy dog.

 

Reading that, does it anger you? I hope so. Let it be the fire in your belly to RID of this scummy person and cut him out of your life.

[Searchin81]

Ego feed. He knows you're into him and he likes that he can manipulate you and cave. He has complete control, he says JUMP and you say how high? He loves that he can cancel on you and treat you like crap, then the next day be nice and you'll gush and follow him like a puppy dog.

 

Reading that, does it anger you? I hope so. Let it be the fire in your belly to RID of this scummy person and cut him out of your life.

 

Not sure if he can manipulate me to cave in.. He has been trying to meet with me and make hints but i haven't done it. He hasn't canceled anything on me, and if we made plans i dont think he would cancel (The guy i am kind seeing now is kinda like that though, But i dont even care to discuss him). I just wonder if its a game of ying and yang, he tries to see me then i pull back and dont want to, then when he pulls back i want him. But to me its not a game im doing on purpose it is all out of fear.. Fear of if he means it, fear of what people will think, nervous of if it would work. so I see my part in there to but. i dont know.

 

I really believe him when he says he loves me the most. I dont know why someone would lie and be that mean if they didn't belive it. I wouldn't call one of my other exs up and say that if i didn't mean it. I just think his lifestyle is in the way and that is the problem.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Searchin81

[Zahara]

I really believe him when he says he loves me the most. I dont know why someone would lie and be that mean if they didn't belive it. I wouldn't call one of my other exs up and say that if i didn't mean it. I just think his lifestyle is in the way and that is the problem.

 

You're projecting what you believe to be right and true behavior on someone else. Not everyone will have the same values and morals as you do. If you've been on this site long enough, you'll see how common it is when it's all about words.

 

If he loves you, you would have seen action. You have not, for years -- and if his lifestyle is a problem, one that is going to be a lifelong challenge -- then you need to dig deep and figure out where you go from here. That side of him will always be a thorn in your side.

 

If you're hoping to wait until he changes his lifestyle, then there's nothing anyone can say to help you. Until you prioritize yourself, you'll forever be circling around his life to make yours whole. The unfortunate side to this is that one day you'll look back and regret the years you lost because you placed your life in the control of someone else's hands.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Zahara

[Kelsy]

Love means different things to different people. Action speaks louder than words. I can tell you it can happen. My ex was stringing me along. I told him not to coz it hurts. He could not leave me alone. He said he has feelings for me and to take it slowly. But he didnt commit. Then months later wanted another chance. I was scared, confused. But I wanted to give us a chance. But guess what? We didnt have this chance to start it again coz he disappeared. And found someone else. He could not even tell me. It was so painful. So yes people can do this until they find someone "better". I know its so confusing. Deep down I knew that something was not quite right but I really hoped for the best. This kind of rejecton is painful. I felt so naive and betrayed. I learned that this is red flag when a guy gives you mixed signals. When we first started our relationship he was very interested. So If they really want you they will do something about it!.

[Searchin81]

Love means different things to different people. Action speaks louder than words. I can tell you it can happen. My ex was stringing me along. I told him not to coz it hurts. He could not leave me alone. He said he has feelings for me and to take it slowly. But he didnt commit. Then months later wanted another chance. I was scared, confused. But I wanted to give us a chance. But guess what? We didnt have this chance to start it again coz he disappeared. And found someone else. He could not even tell me. It was so painful. So yes people can do this until they find someone "better". I know its so confusing. Deep down I knew that something was not quite right but I really hoped for the best. This kind of rejecton is painful. I felt so naive and betrayed. I learned that this is red flag when a guy gives you mixed signals. When we first started our relationship he was very interested. So If they really want you they will do something about it!.

 

Agreed. But i feel he has tried some actions and i haven't been to receptive as i probably should have been. He never asked me for another chance, and always seems hot and cold. He told me i was the best one, so i wonder what about me he doesnt want if he thinks i was the best one. I can only say that i think he really wants me, but he knows he has a problem, so he goes for the types that are into that lifestyle, knowing that they are not the best, but they are into "partying" and will be more tolerant of that and do that with him. But i think he realizes that they arent the best. Thats why when he told me not to give up on him and give him time. And yes rejection is painful, especially when they are people who are trashy addict types, and he hasnt mentioned this new person to me at all. Why is that? is he afraid ill stop talking to him? and if he is, why is he afraid of that? I dont really want to cut him out completely but how should i handle him in the future?

 

and to be fair.. i am kind of seeing someone else, but i tell my ex, and the guy that we are just friends. I never had sex with this guy yet though, and im sure my ex is having sex with his new one, But i have been "Seeing" this guy over a year. But im not ready to commit. My ex ask about him, suggested i ditch him, but i told him he is just a freind that wants me but im not interested. So im kinda hiding that from me ex to.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Searchin81

[Kelsy]

What is your plan? Do you want to wait for him until he drops this lifestyle? Do you want to have a relationship with him? Or you are confused and dont know what to do? Or deep down you know there is something wrong but you can not leave this love?

[Searchin81]

What is your plan? Do you want to wait for him until he drops this lifestyle? Do you want to have a relationship with him? Or you are confused and dont know what to do? Or deep down you know there is something wrong but you can not leave this love?

 

I am confused and dont know what to do. I feel sometimes i want to be there to help him, he wont ever admit he does any drug to me though but he has opened up more than ever saying not to give up on him and i kept him straight and narrow better than anyone. I dont know if i want to have a relationship with him, the few times i have seen him i feel blah and dont have much to say to him yet i still cant let him go, maybe its my ego? I still feel like there is a lot of love between us and i feel he confirms that by telling me. And i do feel there is something wrong I cant leave because i still have alot of love and always wonder what if i leave when the chance was there all along and im just not acting on it. I also would like him to drop this lifestyle but i dont think i see that happening. but why. why does he not see how wrong it is? Why does he want to hang around drugs and trashy people that do all this stuff? My mind cant comprehend how he would chose that over a lovign relationship. Even after he broke up with his wife he realized things and said i wasnt bad at all and he regretted it all, and that i was the one that got away and should have married me.. hearing all that i still didnt feel satisfied. I dont know how to get him out of my heart.

[TaraMaiden2]

In Buddhism we might possibly suggest or suppose that in a previous life you might have been connected - maybe in a parent/child relationship, maybe as the owner of a prized and much cherished animal....

 

Of course, it's all hypothesis, there is no way of truly ever knowing, but sometimes it isn't necessarily inaccurate to speculate such things.

 

This is how Buddhist also explain matters when a person takes an instant and deep dislike to another person and they just don't know why.

 

Perhaps you had a previous-life connection then.

There is no question that this man is patently, obviously totally 'wrong' for you as a partner.

 

And yet, there is this connection....

 

But just as the previous possible connection had to be released, so I would strongly urge you do the same to this one.

[BC1980]

I am confused and dont know what to do. I feel sometimes i want to be there to help him, he wont ever admit he does any drug to me though but he has opened up more than ever saying not to give up on him and i kept him straight and narrow better than anyone. I dont know if i want to have a relationship with him, the few times i have seen him i feel blah and dont have much to say to him yet i still cant let him go, maybe its my ego? I still feel like there is a lot of love between us and i feel he confirms that by telling me. And i do feel there is something wrong I cant leave because i still have alot of love and always wonder what if i leave when the chance was there all along and im just not acting on it. I also would like him to drop this lifestyle but i dont think i see that happening. but why. why does he not see how wrong it is? Why does he want to hang around drugs and trashy people that do all this stuff? My mind cant comprehend how he would chose that over a lovign relationship. Even after he broke up with his wife he realized things and said i wasnt bad at all and he regretted it all, and that i was the one that got away and should have married me.. hearing all that i still didnt feel satisfied. I dont know how to get him out of my heart.

 

You will never understand his motives. Trying to understand is an exercise in futility. People value different things. A lot of people do value drugs over a healthy relationship. They value dysfunction over a healthy relationship. You are actually an example of that as well. You value the dysfunction you have with him over a fresh start without him. A lot of people that come to LS are in extremely dysfunction situations (myself included when I got here), and it takes people from the outside to point out how crazy it is. I think we spend a lot of time looking at the other person because we want to avoid looking at how dysfunctional we are for sticking around. I started to make a lot of progress once I looked at my own issues that made me stay with my ex.

[Kelsy]

Yes it is complicated to leave those feelings. I also have feelings for my ex. I wish I could just drop them. But knowing that he is with someone else helps to convince my mind that I have to let it go. He doesn´t love me if he chose another woman. It hurts alot. Arent you hurt by this? You know u deserve more respect than that right Sometimes I blame myself for ruing our relationship (he put a lot of blame on me) but sometimes I blame him for stringing me along.

Trust your instincts. You know its not right. Unfortunately we cant change people who choose this drugs and party lifestyles. We tend to put our exes or people who reject us on pedestal. The real realtionship might be totally different than in our dreamworld. Maybe he likes you care about him. He has some deep issues (thats why all the drugs, partys, confusing feeliengs). You are his safety net. If life gets rocky you are always teher for him. He doesnt want to loose it. I think you know that life with might be rocky. You cab be his friend but dont put your life on hold. Try to be open to other men. Dont waste your years, you might regret it later. Imagine this lovely man you want to share your life with. You deserve to be happy and healthy. We have to train our minds and I hope our hearts will follow.

[Searchin81]

Trust your instincts. You know its not right..

 

The problem is my instincts say to hold on and that there is something there. My brain tells me to leave but i just feel like there is something there and that he might need me.

[BC1980]

The problem is my instincts say to hold on and that there is something there. My brain tells me to leave but i just feel like there is something there and that he might need me.

 

He's a grown man and can take care of himself. He is responsible for his decisions and the consequences. You aren't his savior. You aren't essential to his life, and he doesn't need you to make a change. Harsh truth but there it is. What you are describing is co-dependency. Feeling you are necessary to save another person. Wanting to be the caretaker to feel needed. It happens a lot when one person has an addiction.

[Kelsy]

You want to be there for him like a lover or a friend? In some reason you have rejected his attemps. Why? Do you trust him?

[Searchin81]

You want to be there for him like a lover or a friend? In some reason you have rejected his attemps. Why? Do you trust him?

 

I feel i do trust him, I feel like he is more on my side and loyal than anyone in my life, He is always very supportive to me, always listened to my issues, always made me feel good about myself. No one else really has done that. I felt loved and valued and supported for the first time in my life with him.. More so than with anyone else. Including my family who was always critical. He had a good family life, they treated me as one of their own, and it felt happy. All things i weren't used to. Even with is issues he never so much as called me a bad name. And still is a very kind loving man at the core. So its hard to lose that.

[Kelsy]

It seems like you miss the support. How is your life right now? Do you guys still have these deep conversations etc? You told us something like you dont know how to talk to him anymore or something. Am I right? Do you have close friends?

[Searchin81]

It seems like you miss the support. How is your life right now? Do you guys still have these deep conversations etc? You told us something like you dont know how to talk to him anymore or something. Am I right? Do you have close friends?

 

We did talk through text alot. we go through phases where we talked alot and often, then it fades out and picks up again. i started withdrawing for a while and backed off as i didnt know what to do with him and if he wanted me so i stopped texting him and only answered when he text me. Right now i think we are in a phase not texting much.. 2.5 weeks ago he was telling me i should toss the person im seeing along with tell me i never make any attempts to see him, and that my friend would get jealous if he seen us talking at an event we where both going to be at.. which he brought brought someone else with him and i ended up being jealous and barley talked to him the whole night. He went to say goodnight to me i turned my back.

 

I really want to cut him off and go nc because im jealous and frustrated i saw him with someone else that night.. He never mentioned he is with someone and i heard through back channels they are unofficial,( mind you he is still married) but i cant be a hypocrite because im doing the same thing.. im kinda seeing someone that i am only classifying it as friends as we are always together. But it would be hypocritical of me to get mad at him when im doing the same thing.. Though im not sleeping with mine, and i wouldnt even say that we are "unoffical" I like to tell people we are just friends (the new guy and i)

Edited May 5, 2016 by Searchin81

[Kelsy]

Ok. Is it possible you miss the old days when you were together? This feeling like you belonged somewhere? Supportive boyfriend and his family and this warm feeling. And now you feel some kind of emptiness like something is missing?

 

You being with someone else is not a problem. The thing is he was the one who married other woman and you chose to continue your life. He should pursue you a way more not to just ask you to toss the guy. It is strange. Seems like you are just friends with this new guy. You dont have an intimate relationship at all right? Why are you with this other guy?

[Searchin81]

Ok. Is it possible you miss the old days when you were together? This feeling like you belonged somewhere? Supportive boyfriend and his family and this warm feeling. And now you feel some kind of emptiness like something is missing?

 

You being with someone else is not a problem. The thing is he was the one who married other woman and you chose to continue your life. He should pursue you a way more not to just ask you to toss the guy. It is strange. Seems like you are just friends with this new guy. You dont have an intimate relationship at all right? Why are you with this other guy?

 

Im not crazy about the new guy.. but he is good company, he is interesting to talk to, we have a good time when we go out, like friends. People think we are dating,, maybe we are, but i dont call it that. I say we are just friends.. But there isnt that chemistry there like i had with my ex. We had chemistry. everyone thought we were good together.. even recently as last year we ran into each other and where talking and some strager was in the conversation and asked "Are you a couple" you look great together" and this was someone that didnt know us! I just cant understand what it is that my ex doesnt like or want about me, or if he is just afraid or what?.. And no i dont have an intimate relationship with the new guy other than kissing sometimes. Maybe my x doesnt want me at all, but why talk to me and tell me these things and act like he does, why give me hope? its so confusing.

 

Is it possible that someone with an addiction would give up someone they love more in order to be with someone that is more supportive of their habbit?

Edited May 5, 2016 by Searchin81