How do I get my boyfriend to spend time with me and his family

[Readandwrite]

For my bff

 

My bf has no time for me and hius two small kids. He has a day job and doors side work. He spends one day a month with us...usually a holiday oir someone's birthday...which we usual append with his mother.

 

We haven't gone anywhere important in 4 years. I've asked him to spend one night last summer in a hotel with a pool for the kids. He couldn't even spend a day. Plus...I can't go with them by myself!f...because he's jealous.

 

I try to talk with him to make time...noit bag. He immediately gets defensive and sayts I am an ungrateful nag. Or he says...looks like I won't be getting laid tonight. He always seems to have time and energy for sex. All he does is come home.. Eat ...showerr and watch an hour of scify.

 

Typicallyhe will say to look up a cabin for a week in the summer..but we never go...

 

He says the guys at work girlfriends are bugging them about late hours....ya and it's just thgem...no kids.

 

I mean, I would love to be able to take a bath...Aline without my toddler in the bathroom

 

Also - he does pay the cell bill...mortgage and electricity...I play everything else. I work at home with the kids and make crafts it's so hard. He mostly uyses his money to buy vehicles for him or audio video equipment.

 

How do I get him to help out spend time? The kids gave been sick and then I had food poisoning...and he didn't help with anything. Thx

[Satu]

He would need a pretty big shock to wake him up out of his selfish ways.

 

Apart from that nothing will work.

 

If you kick him out that might be enough to wake him up.

[Readandwrite]

Update-

He did spend time with us in Mother's day.

Went for a burger and to feed the ducks. Then he cleaned his new "work" truck...answered emails...had me make and send an invoice.

I guess I feel worse now...I donno. I know it will be thanksgiving before he spends time with us again.

 

I went to buy a tent - so I could take the kids camping. He said if I do he will have the cops on me. Huh? That it's his car and his kids too... and they aren't going without him. I was paying for all this... So mainly...we can't go. Can't do anything...although he did leave me money to take care of the house (his) payment. (He refuses to pay anything early...always waits til the last minute.)

Well...after being talked to like that- it makes me not want to use his car etc...to do things that he should take care if but doesnt because of work work work. He has about 30 saved...I think at this time.

I think I am still buying the tent...we can use it in the backyard.

Amazing thing is...his friend just died...young. I thought it might change him to seeing his kids...but no.

[Cablebandit]

Update-

He did spend time with us in Mother's day.

Went for a burger and to feed the ducks. Then he cleaned his new "work" truck...answered emails...had me make and send an invoice.

I guess I feel worse now...I donno. I know it will be thanksgiving before he spends time with us again.

 

I went to buy a tent - so I could take the kids camping. He said if I do he will have the cops on me. Huh? That it's his car and his kids too... and they aren't going without him. I was paying for all this... So mainly...we can't go. Can't do anything...although he did leave me money to take care of the house (his) payment. (He refuses to pay anything early...always waits til the last minute.)

Well...after being talked to like that- it makes me not want to use his car etc...to do things that he should take care if but doesnt because of work work work. He has about 30 saved...I think at this time.

I think I am still buying the tent...we can use it in the backyard.

Amazing thing is...his friend just died...young. I thought it might change him to seeing his kids...but no.

 

WOW...I can't imagine a marriage like that. My wife and I question whether it is healthy to want to spend every waking hour together. For reference...married 10 years..dated on/off since 1986. What will your relationship look like once the kids are gone out of the house? It will just be you, all alone.

[Satu]

He seems like a hopeless case, to be honest.

 

I'd call his bluff on the camping.

 

The kids will love it. You will love it.

 

He's no right to deprive you of healthy and happy family experiences.

 

Maybe you could team up with another mother and her kids, and use her car.

 

Do it.

 

Do it.

 

Do it.

[GunslingerRoland]

That doesn't sound like much of a relationship. He's a workaholic and worst of all, it doesn't sound like he even makes enough (or spends so much) that he can't even pay his share of the bills.

 

 

I think he needs a reality check on his life. It's not fair to you to have to raise the kids on your own.

[hestheone66]

My first marriage was to workaholic and we had young children. Hospitals on my own, camping holiday on my own, it's a lonely existence which made me ripe for temptation of another charming man who I ended up with because he was so attentive in the beginning...he ended up being a worse choice as he was largely unemployed and I had to find a job when our son was 11months old. At one stage I was working 2 jobs.

 

I stayed because like you my partner was extremely controlling and had convinced me of many things to manipulate me.

 

The thing was that I ended up still doing things with the children in my own. If I was sick he ridiculed me...it was awful bit I thought I loved him...I realised after a time that he couldn't love me and prefer not to share time with me, that he was just using me financially.

 

I left his sorry arse 6 years ago because the children shouldn't think that it was an accept a way to be in a relationship.

 

I love my life now. I love doing what I want when I want. My very loving and supportive boyfriend now is attentive for real and not just for show..he cares for me when I'm sick. He is a good man. If I had just accepted the crap I put up with for 12 years I wouldn't have known this deep love and affection.

 

Don't let fear stop you for getting what you and your children deserve. You are strong. You've had to do it on your own so just keep up and leave him.

 

Btw he will beg and cry and scream his devotion but they are just words.. Too little too late

[d0nnivain]

It sounds to me like this guy is working his tail off to put a roof over everybody's heads while you are a stay at home mom who makes crafts.

 

 

If this isn't working for you, move. Stop living with him.

 

 

If you want to continue this relationship but wish he had more free time to socialize instead of being so tired all he has time for is to come home, eat, watch an hour of TV & then go to bed, figure out what you can do to bring more money into the home With increase income, he can take more time off & you can go to that cabin or possibly take a romantic weekend.

[basil67]

You can't get him to do anything which he doesn't want to do. And it's quite clear that he doesn't want to spend time with you all.

 

As far as calling the cops on you for taking the kids camping....on what grounds? You don't need his permission to take the kids camping.

 

Does he ever hit you?

[d0nnivain]

As far as calling the cops on you for taking the kids camping....on what grounds? You don't need his permission to take the kids camping.

 

 

If they aren't her kids, she absolutely does need his permission to take them camping.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "Also - he does pay the cell bill...mortgage and electricity...I play everything else. I work at home with the kids and make crafts it's so hard. He mostly uyses his money to buy vehicles for him or audio video equipment."

 

 

I know a lady who takes home 6 figures "making crafts" it's a huge industry & a very viable option to stay home with young children & bring in enough money to pay for "everything else". It's a very hard job though!! Ugh!

 

He seems to be hoarding or spending his money on himself...kids shoes cost a lot less than vehicles but they're necessary.

 

My parents are well in their 70's. We've had family tragedies & they've had a lot of time to analyze their lives. Their biggest regret is not spending more time with us as kids, vacations, weekend activities etc. I fear he will wake-up one day to realize that he's missed the most important bits of life or that he doesn't have a family anymore.

 

Many men make this mistake. The world isn't going to stop spinning if he spends a day at the weekend out with his family or 1 evening dating his wife! He needs a wake-up call. Work can be an addictive obsession just like anything else. I've seen both sides, successful career & SAHM. I KNOW that there are ALWAYS ways to spend some time on your priorities. What are his priorities?

[Gemma1]

It sounds to me like this guy is working his tail off to put a roof over everybody's heads while you are a stay at home mom who makes crafts.

 

If they aren't her kids, she absolutely does need his permission to take them camping.

Um, pretty sure they are her kids also. She said "my toddler." Also, way to denigrate stay at home moms. It's not like she's sitting on her butt while he "works his tail off." I think you might want to re-read the OPs posts.

[Readandwrite]

Yes. They are my kids too.

His priorities? Money, sex, cars, food...I guess.

 

He makes six figures.

 

Sure, my money doesn't really compare. ..but I do for the kids with everything I have. He does pay for his house and electric. But i...can't even get a bath without taking my toddler in the bathroom with me...

 

He spends his money on vehucles...sports car...motorcycle. ..and saves it. I guess he gas about 39k saved.??

 

He rarely spends money on he or the kuds except what I mentioned.

 

For Christmas ...he got me nothing. He had me make a list...and even said he hid it in our bedroom... He got the kids one thing to share. Last year for a mothers day...he gave me cash...but didn't have less than a hundred on him...so he wanted the money back to give to his mom.

 

The workaholic situation...wouldn't be so bad if I could do my own thing with the kids...but not allowing us to go camping is rediculous. I just got tired of asking to go places...so I thought....

[d0nnivain]

Um, pretty sure they are her kids also. She said "my toddler." Also, way to denigrate stay at home moms. It's not like she's sitting on her butt while he "works his tail off." I think you might want to re-read the OPs posts.

 

 

Clear communication & precise use of language is important.

 

 

The OP said "his kids" and "my" toddler. By using different possessive case, she in fact stated that some of the kids were HIS and implied his alone, as in not hers and that there was 1 other child who was hers. There was no indication whether the OPs BF was the father of the toddler.

 

 

OP said the BF spends 1 day per month with "them". Then she reveals they all live together. So guess what? At best she is overstating the situation. It's hard to trust a poster when there are internal inconsistencies in what they write.

 

 

The OP also said she "work at home with the kids and make crafts it's so hard." Such a statement hardly sounds like a profitable enterprise. To me, that statement is a far cry from "I run a profitable craft business from home but it's difficult."

 

 

I did not denigrate all stay at home moms. When you read OP's post you felt bad for her. I had a different perspective based in part on the many misspellings and poor grammar in the post but I saw a guy who works hard for his family & an ungrateful woman. I also suggested that the OP has options -- ease the family's financial burdens to enable the guy to take time off or break up with him. That's not denigrating a SAHM. That is reminding people that they make choices & choices have consequences.

 

 

You are entitled to your opinion on the subject but yours is not the only take.

 

 

OP as for your 2nd post -- he got you nothing for Christmas but spends a lot of money on toys for himself but has no time for anyone else -- he actually sounds selfish. Again, if your emotional needs are not getting met, make positive changes for yourself.

[Readandwrite]

I write my kids. ..I guess because I do everything for them.

Yes, I have iffered...had $400 in hand for him to take a day off and he wont. I have also offered to pay h ok m to watch the kids do j xan makeone at craft fairs. He will promise to watch the kids but work always comes ip. I've already paid booth tental...and then he won't let me take the lids...says it isn't fair to them. Yes, j agree. He says I should put em in day care if I want to work...but j don't make that much and can't afford it. It isn't fair to me.

 

I also do help him with his work...of course either bringing the kids or doing invoices ...etc for him. But if I ask him to help me he wont. He shipped maybe two packages for me. He does a lot if counter productive things towards my crafts that I won't get into.

 

This us about 80 to 90 hours a week he is gone. Plus people call all hours - 6:30 am. On Easter sunday. (And just to see if he was working that day...non emergency.)

 

This has been going on about 5 years now.

 

He works like this and is only off due to weather. So it isn't like he is doing this for two years for start up.

 

Sorry about the typos. ..my phone screen has issues.

 

It isn't that I am ungrateful. We have a modest 1000 ft home...and the neighborhoof us awful. He does pay the $700 payment. But, I have bought appliances and things the house needs. He doed cut the grass about three times a year. But he complains and says I should do it so he could be working making more money.

 

He also spends a lot of money on audio/ visual equipment.

 

But we never go anywhere. Again, I offer to pay and he wont. Not even a one night hotel stay with a pool for the kids...and he won't let me take them.

 

I also have health issues. He refuses to help out when I need to get tests and have appointments. I take the kids...but sometimes it is very hard. I'd like someone there for moral support sometimes. I once saw a neurologist by myself ... I know he thought I was single. He asked if I had someone with me. That's very lonely. He will promise to be there for me and then he isn't because of work. This us serious stuff. He just doesn't care. Cares only about himself.

 

Thanks all for reading and responding. Its hard to be in a relationship (which this really isnt) and feel so alone. But I do have my awesome kids. Yes...I used MY again.

[d0nnivain]

So he's clearly not putting as much into this relationship as you A workaholic who is so selfish with his time is a bad partner. The Question becomes what are you going to do now?

[Lois_Griffin]

First and foremost, please do NOT have any more kids with this guy. You'll just put yourself in more of a prison then you're already in.

 

I'd commend your husband for being a hardworking, supportive guy who provides for his family IF he were actually DOING that.

 

But he's not. He's a selfish, self-absorbed, self-important assclown who does the absolute MINIMUM for his family but provides very well for HIMSELF and all his selfish pursuits. He thinks it's perfectly fine to force his SAHM wife to find ways to pay the bills while single handedly ALSO raising the kids ALL ON HER OWN. I mean, how freakin' pitiful is it that the OP has actually offered to pay this selfish douche bag to 'watch' his OWN kids so she can attend a craft fair and try to sell her wares and raise money to pay the bills?????

 

And he thinks that one visit a month to show his face is doing his part? Gosh, how DOES he do it when he really wants to b spending that time riding his motorcycle or out playing? Poor, poor victim.

 

I'd SO be at my lawyer's in the morning. He's just a despicable excuse for a husband and father.

 

And I'd be damned sure to find myself a blood-thirsty shark of a lawyer who would pick this guy's worthless bones so clean he'd be living in a cardboard box when I was done with him.

[d0nnivain]

Lois -- he's her BF not her husband. There is no divorce. There is she moves out of a house he owns.

[GunslingerRoland]

The OP said "his kids" and "my" toddler. By using different possessive case, she in fact stated that some of the kids were HIS and implied his alone, as in not hers and that there was 1 other child who was hers. There was no indication whether the OPs BF was the father of the toddler.

 

OP said the BF spends 1 day per month with "them". Then she reveals they all live together. So guess what? At best she is overstating the situation. It's hard to trust a poster when there are internal inconsistencies in what they write.

 

The OP also said she "work at home with the kids and make crafts it's so hard." Such a statement hardly sounds like a profitable enterprise. To me, that statement is a far cry from "I run a profitable craft business from home but it's difficult."

 

I did not denigrate all stay at home moms. When you read OP's post you felt bad for her. I had a different perspective based in part on the many misspellings and poor grammar in the post but I saw a guy who works hard for his family & an ungrateful woman. I also suggested that the OP has options -- ease the family's financial burdens to enable the guy to take time off or break up with him. That's not denigrating a SAHM. That is reminding people that they make choices & choices have consequences.

 

 

You are entitled to your opinion on the subject but yours is not the only take.

 

Sorry Donni, but I disagree with you on a lot of this post. Living with someone and spending time with them are not the same thing. it sounds like he gets home once the kids are in bed... so doesn't matter if they live under the same roof.

 

 

And I agree making crafts doesn't sound like profitable enterprise, but she's still the one paying more than half of the bills...

 

 

And where do you get that he works hard for his family? It sounds like he spends the majority of his income on "toys" for himself.

 

 

I actually really question if he works as many hours as he says he does, as it's hard to believe he spends all this money on vehicles that he barely gets to use.

[Readandwrite]

Yes, the sport car he doesn't drive. It sits under a car cover. I guess it's an investment? He drives it to change oil...get new tires...etc. Same with the motorcycle. It is for show I guess. Has nitrous(?). He also has 4 other vehicles. No garage. Looks silly in front if our little house. Imo.

 

He really is gone that much. He leaves at 7:30 a.m. and gets home around 8 to 8:30pm. But again...is on the phone...doing texts...emails.. shopping or googling supplies...etc. Unloading tools... I am not exaggerating. If the kids are up...he sometimes asks because he is almost home. ..they are tired and cranky. Me too! Lol.

because he is almost home.

 

Yes. He is just my boyfriend...or roommate...lol.

 

I was just looking for ways to try and get him to spend time with us. Honestly, with his friend dying young...I thought he'd see IT. But really, I had a catastropic health event last year...and it doesn't matter.

 

These most recent years gave been the hardest with a high risk and difficult pregnancy...the costs, clothes, health care, birth. I struggled the most during that time. (No more kids.) He watched me sell my items ...even gifts to pay for things.

 

I noticed that he does "pretend" around his coworkers...etc. If I am going to the store he will say "do you need any money."

 

I have tried everything to get him to help. Not nagging...asking nicely. "Het, we miss you. It would be nice if we could..." but ge still ends up yelling at me.

 

Usually at the beginnING if the summer...he will say - "hey...why don't you call and see about that cabin we stayed in X amount of years ago." I usually do.. and find out pricing...etc. But...we never go. Now- I just laugh when he says it.

 

I've started finding things on accident. On Facebook, he is looking up.old girlfriends. On youtube...he has been wathing porn type stuff. I kniw it's recent because j can see current events (like the 50 cent video with the airport bullying...etc.)

 

Sometimes he is home when the kids have things...and I think he is attending...but not. Gotta load up ladders...etc for work.

 

When we brought home his new work truck he announced how we could now take this back country road to this overlook...bla....bla...bla. I didn't say anything...but it's never happening.

 

If he is home and the baby is crying because of teething- bf says "see I am better off at work. See this is why I don't come home. " And go into a long winded speech. So I grab the frozen teether and the crying stops. He sometimes puts on his music headset.

 

If I go to bed at 10:30 pm. He is mad cause I should be spending time with him.

 

He doesn't even ask about our day. ..ever.

 

His coworkers do take vacations...trips...etc. My bf talks about them. How they wasted their money taking their fat lazy "beyotch" to the beach. How no one wants to work anymore. I usually just keep quiet because if I say how the kids would love the beach or even a lake...he ends up yelling at me...how I am just like them. I'm just so crazy because I want to take the kids somewhere like camping. How horrible I am. Geez.

 

If I had a free trip...say to the Keyes...Hawaii...etc. He still wouldn't go...and you know what...I wouldn't want to spend it with him anyhow. All he'd do would be to gave his phone in his face or be complaining be could be working.. etc. Oy.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Readandwrite

[CarrieT]

You Need To Get Out Of There.

 

It is toxic and he is using you to raise his kids. None of them are yours, are they? (That part *has* been confusing!)

[GunslingerRoland]

You Need To Get Out Of There.

 

It is toxic and he is using you to raise his kids. None of them are yours, are they? (That part *has* been confusing!)

 

 

This. The more you say about him the more he sounds controlling, abusive, and uncaring.

 

 

And I thought the kids were all both of theirs. She is talking about being pregnant with them... OP can you please clarify.

[pteromom]

It sounds to me like this guy is working his tail off to put a roof over everybody's heads while you are a stay at home mom who makes crafts.

 

 

I don't get that impression at all. My first thought was that this guy has 2 families.

 

Or maybe an office affair.

 

Or that he is just really really selfish.

 

I would agree with you if he was kind - just tired. But telling her that he will call the police if she takes the kids camping? His coworker is "wasting money taking his fat lazy beyotch to the beach?" Yelling at her for wanting to do things in life?

 

OP - this guy is showing you who he is. He's selfish. He's stingy. He doesn't value experiences. He doesn't value family.

 

You have 2 options, because he isn't going to change:

 

1 - Do what you want to do no matter what his reaction is. Take the kids camping. Take them on trips. Have a fun life. At least you don't have to deal with his angry grumpy butt much!

 

2 - Just leave! I assume these are YOUR kids too? You guys can do better without him.

[Readandwrite]

Sorry. I thought I added...

The kids are OUR kids.

 

I use "my" I guess since I feel I do everything for them.And yet he feels that he can make decisions regarding not allowing them to go camping on a little vacation? So much so that he threatens me with the police? Btw...I saved his text messages and took screenshotting and emailed them to myself...in case it dies get to him calling police and making something up? I don't know.

 

Btw- my bf talks about our neighbor guy. He works out if state and comes in with his wife and 2 kids ok nce a month for a week. Guess what? He spends more time with his kids. So doss my bf co-worker who has his one child every other weekend. That guy takes her fishjng...lake...beach...

 

If bf just said. ..how about I make time for you guys one weekend. And really make time...not take a day off but work longer the last day and first day back.

 

He won't. It isn't behavior. ..it is how he is.

 

What would be the best way to take a little vacation? Taxi? Leave a note? I dontv want to be secretive about it. I wanted him to just spend time with us. I am really sad for the kids. I want them to have a nice summer with nice memories.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'd say that you're booking the vacation for whatever week and ask him if he's able to take the time off of work and come or not.

 

 

If he says you can't, I think you need to put your foot down. He doesn't own you, you aren't married and while the kids are his he does NOT parent them, and should not be the primary person making decisions about what they get to do.