3 months since break up...ex had gigs

[nsg1122]

Hi. I'm 24 y.o. My ex is 22 about to be 23 in a month. We both were each others firsts in almost every aspect. We dated for 3.5 years. We both graduated from college in August. And the months leading up to the breakup were definitely stressful for both of us but mainly her since she joined grad school.

 

When we broke up and when I met her 3 weeks after the breakup, her reasoning was that she felt like we lost the spark and that we were incompatible. I suspected there was a guy but as of right now it still seems like they're just friends. I asked her when I last met her in person which was about 3 months ago, if there was another guy and if there was it would alot easier for me to move on but she insisted that there wasn't.

 

I honestly believe she has GIGS and/or doesn't appreciate what we had. Her friends even texted me after the breakup to tell me what an incredible bf I was to her and if I needed to talk I could talk to them.

 

Her bday is in a month and I'm wondering if I should message her. Maybe we can talk and I can finally get a conclusive answer for why we broke up. If it really was that we lost the spark or we were incompatible, why did it happen out of the blue? The weeks leading up to the breakup she would say how much she loved me and how important I was to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi. I'm 24 y.o. My ex is 22 about to be 23 in a month. We both were each others firsts in almost every aspect. We dated for 3.5 years. We both graduated from college in August. And the months leading up to the breakup were definitely stressful for both of us but mainly her since she joined grad school.

 

When we broke up and when I met her 3 weeks after the breakup, her reasoning was that she felt like we lost the spark and that we were incompatible. I suspected there was a guy but as of right now it still seems like they're just friends. I asked her when I last met her in person which was about 3 months ago, if there was another guy and if there was it would alot easier for me to move on but she insisted that there wasn't.

 

I honestly believe she has GIGS and/or doesn't appreciate what we had. Her friends even texted me after the breakup to tell me what an incredible bf I was to her and if I needed to talk I could talk to them.

 

Her bday is in a month and I'm wondering if I should message her. Maybe we can talk and I can finally get a conclusive answer for why we broke up. If it really was that we lost the spark or we were incompatible, why did it happen out of the blue? The weeks leading up to the breakup she would say how much she loved me and how important I was to her.

 

In all probability, it wasn't out the blue - for her. I have been in the position she was in, right around her age too. I had dated that ex for 5 years, and I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. But I did try to suppress those feelings of doubt, because we'd shared so much and he was a good person. I tried to convince myself I was still in love, tried to act "normal." I also told him I loved him, much like she did. Until I just couldn't anymore.

 

That was years ago now and I have since learned it's important to be honest and communicate with your partner when there is a disconnect. But honestly? We wouldn't have stayed together in the long-run. We have gone in completely different directions since then. Your ex probably feels the same way I did. It's sad but very normal that people around your age simply outgrow their relationships as they grow and evolve. It's hurtful but first loves rarely last, for that reason. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's not "GIGS". It's moving through life stages.

 

She already gave you the conclusive answer for your break-up. I'm not sure what more you hope to hear from her. I know it's hard, I've been on the other side of the coin too. While I don't think wishing her a happy birthday is an awful idea, I wouldn't attach any expectation of a "talk" to it. That already happened when she ended the relationship.

 

The whole break-up experience sucks, to be sure. But you will meet other women as your desires and needs change too. Give yourself time to heal.

[nsg1122]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Hope you don't mind me asking another question.

 

Would your opinion change with these added facts:

 

All of the following were her answers when I met her 3 weeks after our breakup:

 

- When I asked her if we would ever get back together she said that she doesn't want to answer that question...I'm assuming it was because she doesn't want to say anything she'll regret

 

- She told me she had to convince herself that breaking up with me was the right decision

 

- She mentioned that she knew that the grass wasn't going to be greener on the other side

 

- I told her that I wish I wasn't her first BF because I knew if she was older she would want to be with me. And she agreed.

 

(The entire time she's answering these questions, she's crying.)

 

I recently heard from one of my friends that dated my ex's best friend that she was having a hard time with the breakup.

 

Thanks

[nsg1122]

In all probability, it wasn't out the blue - for her. I have been in the position she was in, right around her age too. I had dated that ex for 5 years, and I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. But I did try to suppress those feelings of doubt, because we'd shared so much and he was a good person. I tried to convince myself I was still in love, tried to act "normal." I also told him I loved him, much like she did. Until I just couldn't anymore.

 

That was years ago now and I have since learned it's important to be honest and communicate with your partner when there is a disconnect. But honestly? We wouldn't have stayed together in the long-run. We have gone in completely different directions since then. Your ex probably feels the same way I did. It's sad but very normal that people around your age simply outgrow their relationships as they grow and evolve. It's hurtful but first loves rarely last, for that reason. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's not "GIGS". It's moving through life stages.

 

She already gave you the conclusive answer for your break-up. I'm not sure what more you hope to hear from her. I know it's hard, I've been on the other side of the coin too. While I don't think wishing her a happy birthday is an awful idea, I wouldn't attach any expectation of a "talk" to it. That already happened when she ended the relationship.

 

The whole break-up experience sucks, to be sure. But you will meet other women as your desires and needs change too. Give yourself time to heal.

 

Sorry if you don't mind me asking, why did you break up with your ex? I know you said you grew apart but there must have been some type of compatibility if you stayed together for 5 years.

 

And as far as I know, people are always "growing and changing". It's not like we suddenly hit a certain age and stop growing. If you could help me understand your statement it would be much appreciated?

 

Moreover, you said you guys went in different directions. Do you mean career wise, personality wise, and/or geographically?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry if you don't mind me asking, why did you break up with your ex? I know you said you grew apart but there must have been some type of compatibility if you stayed together for 5 years.

 

And as far as I know, people are always "growing and changing". It's not like we suddenly hit a certain age and stop growing. If you could help me understand your statement it would be much appreciated?

 

Moreover, you said you guys went in different directions. Do you mean career wise, personality wise, and/or geographically?

 

I'll try to answer your questions as best I can!:

 

1) I broke up with him because I had fallen out of love. Plain and simple. We were great friends and got along well and were compatible in that sense, but I no longer felt a physical desire for him. The romantic chemistry was gone. To be very blunt, I wasn't attracted anymore and I lost the desire to rekindle it. Without that, you're basically living in a friendship and not a relationship. It wasn't fair to him to continue when I knew I no longer saw a future together.

 

2) Yes, people are always growing and changing. But in the late teens and early twenties, you haven't really figured out your own life path yet and you're not fully mature. We grow into that as we gain more life experience, which often includes experiences with different romantic partners. It is normal for younger people to want to explore different people, for that reason. As we get older, we tend to stabilize more. Our careers settle, we know where we want to live, we know the type of person we want to share our lives with.

 

3) We were headed in different directions in many ways. He would have been content to marry after we graduated college/university, settle down in our hometown and raise a family. I was nowhere near ready for that at 23; I wanted to travel, see the world, the typical things. He was content and happy with what he had already (stable job, car, etc) Honestly? I was bored and knew it wasn't my time for those things. And yes, we had discussed the future many times and I had thought - at one time - that I would marry him. I came to realize I just didn't see him as The One.

 

When I broke up with him, I cried too. It was sad and hard but I knew it was the right choice. And I felt awful hurting him. He also asked if we ever stood a chance and I remember trying to soften the blow by telling him I couldn't say then. (I realize now I should have just been honest and said no) He tried for a couple months after breaking up to get back together; he only stopped when I met a new guy about 3 months post-breakup and I felt it was only fair to tell my ex because he'd continued to call me, wanting to reconcile.

 

Fast-forward to today, 12 years later. He lives near our hometown, with his wife and their daughter (our town is small and we share a couple mutual friends, so I randomly heard an update a few years back) I live on the other side of the world, in a foreign country and have for 3 years. I have had long-term relationships since him and am currently with a man I'm crazy about. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in around 11 years now. I wish him well and remember him fondly.

Edited May 4, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[nsg1122]

I'll try to answer your questions as best I can!:

 

1) I broke up with him because I had fallen out of love. Plain and simple. We were great friends and got along well and were compatible in that sense, but I no longer felt a physical desire for him. The romantic chemistry was gone. To be very blunt, I wasn't attracted anymore and I lost the desire to rekindle it. Without that, you're basically living in a friendship and not a relationship. It wasn't fair to him to continue when I knew I no longer saw a future together.

 

2) Yes, people are always growing and changing. But in the late teens and early twenties, you haven't really figured out your own life path yet and you're not fully mature. We grow into that as we gain more life experience, which often includes experiences with different romantic partners. It is normal for younger people to want to explore different people, for that reason. As we get older, we tend to stabilize more. Our careers settle, we know where we want to live, we know the type of person we want to share our lives with.

 

3) We were headed in different directions in many ways. He would have been content to marry after we graduated college/university, settle down in our hometown and raise a family. I was nowhere near ready for that at 23; I wanted to travel, see the world, the typical things. He was content and happy with what he had already (stable job, car, etc) Honestly? I was bored and knew it wasn't my time for those things. And yes, we had discussed the future many times and I had thought - at one time - that I would marry him. I came to realize I just didn't see him as The One.

 

When I broke up with him, I cried too. It was sad and hard but I knew it was the right choice. And I felt awful hurting him. He also asked if we ever stood a chance and I remember trying to soften the blow by telling him I couldn't say then. (I realize now I should have just been honest and said no) He tried for a couple months after breaking up to get back together; he only stopped when I met a new guy about 3 months post-breakup and I felt it was only fair to tell my ex because he'd continued to call me, wanting to reconcile.

 

Fast-forward to today, 12 years later. He lives near our hometown, with his wife and their daughter (our town is small and we share a couple mutual friends, so I randomly heard an update a few years back) I live on the other side of the world, in a foreign country and have for 3 years. I have had long-term relationships since him and am currently with a man I'm crazy about. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in around 11 years now. I wish him well and remember him fondly.

 

Thank you so much for your responses. As much as I don't like hear reading them right now I'm sure your experience is prbbly what my ex is going through as well.

 

She mentioned how she wanted to explore the world and go out and meet new friends and maybe thats why she felt like we were incompatible since I'm more of an introvert and like to hang out with people I know. But I told her I wanted to change that aspect of myself but I think she thought I was doing it for her and not because I genuinely felt like I needed to or wanted to.

 

I just can't accept that someone who loved you and found you to be physically attractive at some point, all of a sudden or even gradually loses interest and uses that to justify breaking up. I doubt life-time partners find their partners to be physically attractive forever. I think its safe to assume that at some point, the relationship turns more into a friendship.

 

I'm sorry I'm not directing this towards you but in general. I might be able to understand it in the future but I mean every relationship goes through ebbs and flows. I feel like I could find someone I'm crazy about when I'm 30 but lose physical interest after a few years. It just seems like a crazy justification to end a relationship. But heck, what do I know, I've only been in one relationship.

 

I guess I'm searching for an answer or response where there is a happy ending (E.g. Getting back together and her realizing she made a mistake).

 

If you don't mind, another question. If your ex back when you were 23, changed after you broke up and you noticed that he wanted to travel the world as well and do all the things you wanted to or most of them, would you have reconsidered after some time apart (a year or two)?

 

Thanks once again for responding.

[Wave Rider]

 

1) I broke up with him because I had fallen out of love. Plain and simple. We were great friends and got along well and were compatible in that sense, but I no longer felt a physical desire for him. The romantic chemistry was gone. To be very blunt, I wasn't attracted anymore and I lost the desire to rekindle it. Without that, you're basically living in a friendship and not a relationship. It wasn't fair to him to continue when I knew I no longer saw a future together.

 

So why the change of feelings for you? Did he change, like did he start acting differently or gain weight? I've read a lot of men's dating advice, and the standard answer to men is that "she lost her attraction to you because you turned into a wuss by letting her push you around and accepting her second-class behavior." Was this true for you?

 

 

I just can't accept that someone who loved you and found you to be physically attractive at some point, all of a sudden or even gradually loses interest and uses that to justify breaking up. I doubt life-time partners find their partners to be physically attractive forever. I think its safe to assume that at some point, the relationship turns more into a friendship.

 

 

Yeah, this is kind of a scary thing for me. I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, but it does seem that some people, without reason or explanation, wake up one day and no longer have feelings for their parter. What's up with that? And if that's really true, then what's the point of planning a life partnership with all the financial and legal ties between people if one partner is going to just wake up one day and spontaneously lose feelings for the other partner?

Edited May 5, 2016 by Wave Rider

[ExpatInItaly]

So why the change of feelings for you? Did he change, like did he start acting differently or gain weight? I've read a lot of men's dating advice, and the standard answer to men is that "she lost her attraction to you because you turned into a wuss by letting her push you around and accepting her second-class behavior." Was this true for you?

 

 

Yeah, this is kind of a scary thing for me. I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months, but it does seem that some people, without reason or explanation, wake up one day and no longer have feelings for their parter. What's up with that? And if that's really true, then what's the point of planning a life partnership with all the financial and legal ties between people if one partner is going to just wake up one day and spontaneously lose feelings for the other partner?

 

No, he didn't physically change. And he wasn't a wuss. We were 18 when we started dating, basically still kids, and we grew apart. I hadn't dated much before him, and I wasn't ready to settle down with one person forever. I was interested in dating other guys. It's not a spontaneous loss of feelings.

 

Sorry OP, but this happens all the time. I know you can't accept it, but it's life. People do lose attraction, particularly young people who aren't fully mature yet. I already explained that when we're older we tend to be more settled and know what we want, thus we figure out ways to manage the ebbs and flows with our partners. You will see this as you age and gain more relationship experience. She's too young to settle down, and frankly, I think you are too. I can't really explain it further than that because you haven't had the benefit of other girlfriends to see it yet.

 

And to answer your question, no, I wouldn't have gone back to my ex if he had changed. When we broke up, I viewed him as a good friend but no longer a romantic partner. Those types of feelings are very difficult to revive, and honestly, by that point I had already moved on to a different relationship. I did see him a couple times out and about in the year or so following the breakup. We exchanged pleasantries and made small talk, but I didn't feel a desire for him. He also moved on to someone better suited to him. You will too.