Husband playing with my emotions? Is it fair?

[Anne86Leo]

My husband and I after finding ourselves in a rut opened up our sex life to include others. I was very reluctant and it took him a good 18 months to convince me to give it a try. We decided on meeting people through personal ads rather that attending swingers clubs which held little interest to me.

 

We have been doing this now for about 2 years and have met 10 different couples, 6 of which we see regularly. It has changed my life. I love everything about this. I had only been with a couple of men before my husband and never with a woman. Now I experience so much more pleasure it’s incredible. My husband was totally on board with everything we were doing and our sex life away from being with others was like we were teenagers again. It really gave us a new lease on life, not that we are that old anyway.

 

Now my husband has just told me he wants to stop. Not just stop with a particular couple or slow down, but stop, completely, right now. I am so far at the other end of the scale, I had even just discussed with him attending swingers parties, something he dearly wanted.

 

I have tried to talk this through with him but I fear we are way too far apart to make any headway. I told him I would happily give up being with other men but after experiencing being with another woman I’m not sure I could live without that. I also love the thrill of the chase, the reading of an ad, contacting, talking and meeting. It’s such a thrill. The sex is almost secondary. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy it but it’s the expectation during the lead-up, the nerves, the butterflies that make it special.

 

For his part it’s just NO! We did it, now we stop. I did manage to get out of him that he thinks I only wanted to go to a swingers club after one of the couples we see suggested it rather than doing it for him. That is just not the case. I think he is being totally unfair. I didn’t want this, but now that I have tried it I don’t want to stop. It’s not fair that he plays with my emotions like this.

 

He wanted it, got what he wanted when he talked me into it. Now he wants to stop and he’ll get what he wants otherwise our marriage will be over. It seems my feelings and emotions have had little do with it. I consider some of the women good friends now (regardless of the sex). I am now supposed to cut them out of my life completely. How is this fair?

 

I know it’s not fair to make him do something he doesn’t want to. So trying to talk him into continuing seems unfair, but I would like to know the real reasons behind why he wants to stop so abruptly. At the same time though, is it fair that he can dictate that we stop, especially after spending so long to get me to do this?

 

I’m sure some others have been through similar experiences. Any advice on how you may have dealt with it will be greatly appreciated.

[Johnsmith1003]

I, like most men, enjoy trying new things but I suspect your husband isn't getting the same sexual gratification as he thought he would and wants to revert back. Or perhaps he's gotten jealous others are touching you. Maybe even threatened you like the women's touch more and leave him. Either way it's selfish of him to demand you stop when you do enjoy it when he was the one to spring it in the first place. Tell it like it is and maybe calm his worries but i don't think you should quit cold turkey unless he provides a legitimate reason.

[elaine567]

I guess, you are enjoying it a bit too much, especially with the girls and he feels left out. You are now good friends with these women too, so he is probably thinking where does he fit into the scenario?

He probably imagined it would all revolve around the men, with the women being a sideshow, but the main act for you is now the women.

 

Great male fantasy but the reality is probably not what he imagined, so he is shutting it down.

[d0nnivain]

I think you two have a lot of talking & soul searching to do as you work your way back to each other.

 

 

At the very least remind him that it took 18 months to talk you into this so it's a bit unfair to expect it to stop immediately. Would you be open to a gradual decrease, especially if you got closer to him in the process?

 

 

Compromise on both sides is in order.

[Anne86Leo]

Would you be open to a gradual decrease, especially if you got closer to him in the process?

 

If he said to me no more men starting right now I would say ok and I would be fine with that.

 

If he said to me no more women starting right now I would still say ok, I don't want to lose my husband, but I would be bitterly disappointed.

 

What I really want is to just know his reasons so I can calm any fears he has. I love my husband, and I enjoy being with other women. I do not want to replace my husband with anyone. He opened these doors for me, I will be forever grateful.

 

You would think cutting out the men and just seeing women, which would result in threesomes with two women for him would be a mans dream. All I get from him is no more, it's finished, I don't want to discuss it.

 

And worse than that he doesn't even want to remain friends with these people (in a non-sexual way). I'm not sure if I could do that but I do consider these people friends.

 

I have no way of making him open up though. So I either do as he says, defy him which could end in a disastrous marriage breakdown or go behind his back which I would never even consider.

 

I really haven't got a choice. I just have to stop and work on him opening up in the hope that one day, somewhere sometime he may reconsider. I wont lie, the thought of never feeling a woman's touch again is almost as hard to take as never feeling my husbands touch again.

[CarrieT]

At the very least remind him that it took 18 months to talk you into this so it's a bit unfair to expect it to stop immediately. Would you be open to a gradual decrease, especially if you got closer to him in the process?

 

Compromise on both sides is in order.

This is extraordinary advice.

 

OP, I was in your shoes and the Open Marriage thing ended up destroying our marriage (this was 30 years ago, with my first husband). Many people cannot handle having an open marriage and it ultimately destroys rather than helps.

 

Bear in mind that for you - the way you are describing the thrill of the chase - it has become an addiction, like a drug. You get off on the rush of the idea, the planning, the chase. You even said the sex is secondary.

 

So, yes, tapering off slowly would be better for you as you realize that it has supplanted something in your life and marriage that needs to be brought to the fore-front. Other than this, is your marriage solid? Could you taper off and go back to monogamy? Because if you don't feel you can, it is time to start discussing a separation and possible divorce.

[d0nnivain]

All I get from him is no more, it's finished, I don't want to discuss it.

 

 

That's actually your biggest problem Your husband stopped communicating. His my way or the highway approach is destructive, probably more so then the open marriage or the return to monogamy.

 

 

I'd turn it back on him but in a we're going to MC -- my way or the highway. Explain you don't want to lose him, you love him, you enjoy sex with him etc but you can't deal with this dictatorship attitude. He's got to open up.

 

 

FWIW, I don't see how you can go back to being "just friends" with people you have had sex with. So I agree with your husband, all socialization has to end.

[Anne86Leo]

Other than this, is your marriage solid? Could you taper off and go back to monogamy?

 

I thought our marriage was solid until he sprung this "stop now" on me. I loved the fact we could lay in bed at night and talk about being with other people back before we had even done it and we were both totally open. That continued when we did jump in and try it. We adjusted our boundaries so many times as we grew more or less comfortable with things because we could openly talk about it. Then BANG.... Stop now !!! No, I don't want to talk about it.

 

Somethings up, whether it's something that he has done, something that I have done that I don't realise, I don't know. But something is not right.

 

As for monogamy. If I have to choose I will always choose my husband. Other men I could cast aside in an instant. Other woman I will if he says to, but I really don't want to have to. Will that lead to resentment later on? Only time would tell on that.

[Anne86Leo]

I'd turn it back on him but in a we're going to MC -- my way or the highway.

 

What marriage counselor is going to say yeah that lifestyle sounds great. What's you problem MrAnne?

 

OK, I'm being facetious, but whilst I can relate marriage with swinging how do you find a counselor than could do the same?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know how you find such a counselor but they have to exist. Ask around in the community.

 

 

I also assume a good counselor won't be all judgmental. they have heard it all before.

 

 

It's not so much the swinging but the communication that is the heart of your present problem.

[Lois_Griffin]

You HAVE to watch a movie called The Sex Monster.

 

It's a mirror of your life.

 

I think whoever said that men think it's going to be all about them hit it right on the nose. Fools.

 

In the movie, the guy pushes his wife for a threesome with another woman and thinks he's King Shi*t when she finally agrees to do it. Except once he's gotten his, the women go at it again and he basically becomes a spectator - and then is completely forgotten altogether. Like you, she discovers that she loves sex with women - but she becomes insatiable, constantly seducing every woman she meets and he's not even a part of the festivities anymore. Suddenly, there's no more joy in it for him. I'm not saying YOU'RE doing this, I'm simply summarizing the film for you. Rent it - it's good!

 

That could be your husband's problem. Or something happened - a line that was crossed that he's not telling you - and he's trying to shut this show down before it blows up in your faces.

 

You can't force him to do something he's no longer willing to do. But you need to get the untold story from him.

[jen1447]

I guess, you are enjoying it a bit too much, especially with the girls and he feels left out. You are now good friends with these women too, so he is probably thinking where does he fit into the scenario?

He probably imagined it would all revolve around the men, with the women being a sideshow, but the main act for you is now the women.

 

Great male fantasy but the reality is probably not what he imagined, so he is shutting it down.

 

Yep. This is often how FMF threesomes end up for guys - they see it's really not about them and they've become a footnote and suddenly the "hawt" is replaced by feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. (Jealousy is about the last thing on a guy's mind when he's initially thinking about banging two chicks at the same time.)

 

As to whether it's "fair" or not, I think you're asking the wrong question. So what if it's not fair? Your hubs is playing the demand card anyway. There's no pretense of fairness to begin with.

 

I think ultimately you two sound incompatible and your marriage sounds unsustainable. You say you'll eventually yield to these C&D demands but that's gonna leave you deeply resentful, and you can bet the marital monogamous sex will go in the toilet soon after. That's the future you'd be looking at.

 

I'm not married but I have a lot of experience with open relationships of all kinds and the way I approach them is it's my decision, both going in and coming out. Meaning my relationship partners are informed and agree before anything starts, and they have the option to opt out at any time, but that I won't actually stop after it starts or avoid it altogether if they try to veto it. It's an escape hatch for them if they want it but it's not any sort of control over me.

[stillafool]

My goodness he is selfish. It seems he only wanted to start this because it was something that he wanted and now he wants to stop because it is something he wants. Do your wants and needs matter in this marriage? It doesn't sound like they do. Did he say why he wants to stop?

[Liam1]

 

I told him I would happily give up being with other men but after experiencing being with another woman I’m not sure I could live without that.

 

 

IMO, this is likely the Crux of the matter. He perhaps did not expect you to enjoy women.

 

Did he know you were attracted to women prior to being married?

 

The fact that you enjoy sex with women most likely upsets him. It's not something he can compete with on any level.

 

It might even be a turn off to him, if he is heterosexual.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Liam1

[mikeylo]

No advice but this is THE major reason that fantasy is best experienced as fantasy. Reality always creeps in.

[Miss Peach]

That's the part I enjoy about open relationships. So much of that stuff is out in the open and not held back. I've found in most of my monogamous relationships the men can't can't it or they throw things back at me at some point.

 

What marriage counselor is going to say yeah that lifestyle sounds great. What's you problem MrAnne?

 

OK, I'm being facetious, but whilst I can relate marriage with swinging how do you find a counselor than could do the same?

 

They are out there. I love to listen to Dr. Pat Allen and she always says she's a therapist; not a moralist when stuff like this is brought up. Not sure if you're in the Los Angeles or Orange County areas but she has offices there.

 

My goodness he is selfish. It seems he only wanted to start this because it was something that he wanted and now he wants to stop because it is something he wants. Do your wants and needs matter in this marriage? It doesn't sound like they do. Did he say why he wants to stop?

 

This was my initial thought. I'm not saying either of you are wrong for feeling the way you do. But there is likely to need to be some communication and compromises in there for things to work. Do you think he would be open to opening up in MC?

 

IMO, this is likely the Crux of the matter. He perhaps did not expect you to enjoy women.

 

Did he know you were attracted to women prior to being married?

 

The fact that you enjoy sex with women most likely upsets him. It's not something he can compete with on any level.

 

I think this is right on. I haven't told very many people about my experiences with women but every man I told wondered about that since being with women is the one thing they can't provide.

[jen1447]

I think this is right on. I haven't told very many people about my experiences with women but every man I told wondered about that since being with women is the one thing they can't provide.

 

And it's ironic how so many men lust after the one thing that can destroy them. (And also how so many don't find the thing that can destroy them threatening at first.)

[Anne86Leo]

Yep. This is often how FMF threesomes end up for guys - they see it's really not about them and they've become a footnote and suddenly the "hawt" is replaced by feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. (Jealousy is about the last thing on a guy's mind when he's initially thinking about banging two chicks at the same time.)

 

We have never had a threesome, it has always been another couple. Not that I would be against a threesome but it has just not been the way it has happened. Of course there are times when it ends up in a pseudo-threesome with one person just watching on. I have never experienced nor felt that others have experienced jealousy during these times though.

[Anne86Leo]

IMO, this is likely the Crux of the matter. He perhaps did not expect you to enjoy women.

 

Did he know you were attracted to women prior to being married?

 

The fact that you enjoy sex with women most likely upsets him. It's not something he can compete with on any level.

 

It might even be a turn off to him, if he is heterosexual.

 

When we discussed and eventually moved into actually seeing other people he would tell me that he know I was bisexual and couldn't wait to see me with another woman. At the time, while I was curious, I doubted that I would ever actually go through with anything more than kissing another woman.

 

He doesn't need to compete with the women. I still enjoy men, and he is my man. He has nothing to worry about, while I do enjoy the sexual experience with a woman I have no desire to live my future with anyone but my husband.

[Anne86Leo]

Do you think he would be open to opening up in MC?

 

I would hope that he could open up to me. If we need a MC to mediate then I am open for that. Is he? I dread asking the question. If he says no, where to from there?

[TaraMaiden2]

What marriage counselor is going to say yeah that lifestyle sounds great. What's you problem MrAnne?

 

OK, I'm being facetious, but whilst I can relate marriage with swinging how do you find a counselor than could do the same?

 

A Good Counsellor is non-judgemental. You need to locate a Psycho-sexual Counsellor. When I was in training to become a Counsellor myself (although due to a family/professional move abroad, I never completed the training) my Mentor was a wonderful woman, who specialised in psycho-sexual counselling.

That is, how one's sexuality affects the emotions of both yourself and your partner.

She wore tweed skirts, an Alice band and twin~sets-and-pearls. Yet she had heard more things about sex you and I would even dare imagine existed. She was amazing, and I had infinite respect for her.

She said once that there wasn't anything about sex, or sexual practises that could ever shock her.

The only thing she felt was shocking, in her opinion, is how two people who set out in life to be together, could ever become cruel, non-communicative, mistrusting and disrespectful of one another.

The turn-around of feelings shocked and dismayed her far more than anything she ever heard, with regard to peoples' sexual proclivities.

 

I would hope that he could open up to me. If we need a MC to mediate then I am open for that. Is he? I dread asking the question. If he says no, where to from there?

 

As I said, you don't need ordinary MC'ing. You need a specialised counsellor.

 

If he says no, go to one anyway.

They may be able to provide insight into his sudden change of heart.

And I suspect the 'lesbianism' may well be at the base of it, but I - like you - believe there's more to his sudden intransigence than meets the eye.

[Anne86Leo]

A Good Counsellor is non-judgemental. You need to locate a Psycho-sexual Counsellor.

 

As I said, you don't need ordinary MC'ing. You need a specialised counsellor.

 

Isn't it amazing how much you just don't know. Who would have thought there were counselors for this type of stuff. I always envisaged a counselor as someone from a church or at least with a "churchy" background.

 

I did some research and there are plenty to choose from around our area.

 

I liked one (not anywhere near us though) that said "I am a fully qualified psychosexual and relationship/couples therapist and sex coach working in private practice. I work with all kinds of sexual and relationship issues with men, women, other gender and couples and multi person relationships. I am a specialist in alternative lifestyle (open, swinging, poly etc,) LGBT, Kink, fetish and BDSM."

 

I plan to get my husband on board with this before it is too late. He was such an open man, we discussed everything and anything. Something has spooked him, I'm not sure why he can't trust me enough to discuss it with me. Hopefully a counselor can help him realise that I am his strongest ally and wont judge (unless of course he cheated). Oh God, I hope it's not that!

[jen1447]

We have never had a threesome, it has always been another couple. Not that I would be against a threesome but it has just not been the way it has happened. Of course there are times when it ends up in a pseudo-threesome with one person just watching on. I have never experienced nor felt that others have experienced jealousy during these times though.

 

It doesn't really matter if it was 3 or 4, the issue (I suspect) is just him seeing how you interact w/a woman and realizing it's more involved and meaningful than he expected and understanding that he could conceivably be replaced or made obsolete by one. It's ego and security.

 

There's nothing wrong with him not wanting that sort of thing going on but he shouldn't have opened up Pandora's Box to begin with. But he did, and directly bc of that you have this sexual need in your life now. Him saying "not allowed" at this point is pretty lame.

[ShatteredLady]

First let me say that an open relationship in marriage wouldn't be my thing. It opens the door to so many issues.

 

Anyway, what REALLY strikes me is... You took 18 MONTHS of discussing this change in lifestyle. The agreement, the RULE was STRANGERS. You seem to of broken the rules!!

 

You say that you can drop the men but even loosing the 'friendship' & connections you've made with some of these women is very unfair. Is it? You've broken the rules. If you had that kind of emotional connection with one of the men I think everyone would be getting exactly where your H is coming from.

 

It seems to me like you have stepped way beyond the 'sex only' relationship with women. I completely understand how that happens but you're having deep, meaningful, relationships. That's NOT what you BOTH agreed to.

 

Quote - "And worse than that he doesn't even want to remain friends with these people (in a non-sexual way). I'm not sure if I could do that but I do consider these people friends."

 

....or maybe not! As I said, I have no experience of this kind of marriage.

Edited May 5, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[MJJean]

I agree with Shatteredlady. If the agreement you made was that there would be no emotional involvement with sexual partners, you have broken that agreement by developing friendships with the women you've had sexual contact with. You violating that rule is very likely making him extremely uncomfortable. A non-emotional sex partner isn't seen as a threat to your marriage. A sex partner you actually give a flying fig about is an actual threat and he knows this.

 

Frankly, if I were in an open marriage, told my H I wanted to cease extracurricular activities, and he became distraught at the thought of giving up other men he's had sex with and the friendships he's developed, I think I'd be hurt, feel betrayed and insecure, and I'd seriously start to question the marriage.