BettyDraper Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 I, like most men, enjoy trying new things but I suspect your husband isn't getting the same sexual gratification as he thought he would and wants to revert back. Or perhaps he's gotten jealous others are touching you. Maybe even threatened you like the women's touch more and leave him. Either way it's selfish of him to demand you stop when you do enjoy it when he was the one to spring it in the first place. Tell it like it is and maybe calm his worries but i don't think you should quit cold turkey unless he provides a legitimate reason. I agree with this. Your husband is selfish and he thinks that his preferences should dictate your sex life. You tried swinging for him even though you didn't want to do it and he didn't care about your feelings then. Now he wants to stop just because his fantasy has backfired in his mind? Nope. Pure selfishness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) It doesn't really matter if it was 3 or 4, the issue (I suspect) is just him seeing how you interact w/a woman and realizing it's more involved and meaningful than he expected and understanding that he could conceivably be replaced or made obsolete by one. It's ego and security. There's nothing wrong with him not wanting that sort of thing going on but he shouldn't have opened up Pandora's Box to begin with. But he did, and directly bc of that you have this sexual need in your life now. Him saying "not allowed" at this point is pretty lame. This. Couples need to consider the possibility of what can happen when others are invited into their beds. Otherwise, situations just like this are bound to occur. Edited May 9, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 This sounds totally irrelevant but I promise it's not. Can you try to write an exotic story? Just a short one? Not saying you haft a show your husband (although that might be a good idea). It's weird that I don't know how to explain why this helps... guess I should look into my own thread about that... err. Thinking out loud sorry lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anne86Leo Posted May 15, 2016 Author Share Posted May 15, 2016 Firstly I'd like to address what has been said about developing feelings towards other couples. It was never our intention to have sex only emotionally bereft encounters. In fact we discussed exactly the opposite, our "dream" was to find couples that we could connect to on all levels with the end goal being a total sharing experience without restrictions. Anyway that was never the issue. Secondly, I have finally been able to get my husband to open up and to sum up a very long and difficult discussion in a few words he was/is concerned about his bisexualism. He does not describe himself as bi (and really why do labels matter anyway) but has a few experiences recently. He is struggling to make sense of it in his head. Of course I will support him through this. So swinging is off the agenda at least for now. He did offer that I could do it alone but I rejected that. He practically pleaded with me to continue. We will see where everything leads but for the moment that is not an option. To be honest I am just over the moon that I actually know what is going on now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 (edited) No advice but this is THE major reason that fantasy is best experienced as fantasy. Reality always creeps in. The OP's husband spent 18 months trying to convince her to do it in real life. The time for the 'fantasy is best experienced as fantasy' advice is well over, he should have considered that beforehand. OP, your H honestly sounds rather selfish and inconsiderate to me. He spends 18 months trying to pressure you to do something you didn't want to do, and now he wants to make an executive decision on stopping things. I don't think the swinging is the crux of the issue - the biggest issue IMO is that he just decides things without any consideration for you, and then harangues you until you give in. That's not the basis of healthy communication or compromise. I'm glad you came to an agreement on the swinging, but I don't think you should let his selfishness go unaddressed. Edited May 15, 2016 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 And it's ironic how so many men lust after the one thing that can destroy them. (And also how so many don't find the thing that can destroy them threatening at first.) Isnt it ironic that what everyone thought he was lusting for, (her bisexuality) is now the thing that will likely destroy them (his bisexuality) Double standard. The door opened and out came fire. As it often does. Try putting that genie back in the bottle. Good luck OP Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted May 15, 2016 Share Posted May 15, 2016 The OP's husband spent 18 months trying to convince her to do it in real life. The time for the 'fantasy is best experienced as fantasy' advice is well over, he should have considered that beforehand. OP, your H honestly sounds rather selfish and inconsiderate to me. He spends 18 months trying to pressure you to do something you didn't want to do, and now he wants to make an executive decision on stopping things. I don't think the swinging is the crux of the issue - the biggest issue IMO is that he just decides things without any consideration for you, and then harangues you until you give in. That's not the basis of healthy communication or compromise. I'm glad you came to an agreement on the swinging, but I don't think you should let his selfishness go unaddressed. I believe that badgering a partner into unwanted sex acts is coercive and abusive. There is a difference between constant pressure and gentle persuasion. Selfishness seems to be a major problem in this marriage. I think it might bleed into other areas of the relationship as well. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Isn't it ironic that what everyone thought he was lusting for, (her bisexuality) is now the thing that will likely destroy them (his bisexuality) Double standard. The door opened and out came fire. As it often does. Try putting that genie back in the bottle. Good luck OP Why do you assume this will destroy them? While of course it's not inconceivable, I don't see anything in Anne's post to indicate repulsion or that she sees this as insurmountable. Rather, this seems to indicate support and a willingness to work through its: Secondly, I have finally been able to get my husband to open up and to sum up a very long and difficult discussion in a few words he was/is concerned about his bisexualism. He does not describe himself as bi (and really why do labels matter anyway) but has a few experiences recently. He is struggling to make sense of it in his head. Of course I will support him through this... ...To be honest I am just over the moon that I actually know what is going on now. OP, I think you should definitely still pursue the kink-friendly counselling path. It will help you both work through this. I hope you can work through it and become closer in the process. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) Why do you assume this will destroy them? While of course it's not inconceivable, I don't see anything in Anne's post to indicate repulsion or that she sees this as insurmountable. Rather, this seems to indicate support and a willingness to work through its:! The post by Jen (who I agree with) stated that what "men" lusted for could destroy them. The same could be said in reverse. The OP fought hard to keep the open relationship, wanted to go to Mc, so that she could continue with women (her words). Posters called him selfish. However once the reason for his hesitation was identified as his bisexuality, and he wanted to keep it open. She obviously realised the threat to her marriage and wisely did a 180 and shut it down. The dynamic was altered and a red flag was given. This happened with my cousin. His wife was bicurious but he was closeted. the marriage was over. It is what it is. Regardless the basic rule of a open relationship is when either party wants to shut it down, you shut it down. It isnt selfishness, it is realising that this could cause damage or destroy the M. The right move imo Edited May 16, 2016 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
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