The Tired subject of soulmate

[Jaxa]

So let me start this off with a few points:

1. I already know I'm a terrible person so if you're going to flame me then don't bother. You can't make me feel worse that I've already made myself feel.

2. I never planned for any of this to happen. I didn't look for it and I didn't see it coming.

3. I just need to get this out and hopefully someone can give me some usable advice.

 

Back story...I've been with my wife for 10 years. She pursued me, we dated for almost 2 years, fell in love, then got married. We have 2 beautiful children 6 and 6 months. I love my wife and I love my kids. My wife and I though have had multitudes of problems over the years, like most couples, but they stem from the fact that we don't talk to each other and if we do its yelling. We have very little in common and we don't do a whole lot together other than watch tv. And before I unveil more, yes she's gained weight, no that's not an issue (she was thick when we got together and that's not something that really bothers me I just know someone will ask it). Sex is very infrequent as I get tired of being the only one who initiates it. Also she can only orgasm using a vibrator on the outside and only likes a couple of positions.

So here we are bored, don't communicate well, sex is infrequent and has become a chore, and we have little in common and this has been issues our entire marriage.

Now here's my problem. I met someone (shocker) at work. She's incredible. She likes what I like, we get along extremely well, we finish each other's sentences and we share the same outlook in life. She's very pretty and we can literally talk about anything. But nothing had happened or was happening. I hadn't had any thoughts for over a year working with her until about 3 weeks ago and something clicked for both of us. It was as if someone turned on a light and we started seeing each other for the first time. No event or issue triggered it it just happened. I don't believe in soul mates. But that's the only thing I can describe this as (which drives me nuts because I still don't believe). We started talking outside of work, deep unveiling conversations about ourselves our wants in life our desires. I know I should've stopped before that point but I didn't.

We would text when we didn't see each other and stay back late to talk. Nothing outside of that has happened. No kissing hand holding sex etc.

She is also in relationship that has had its fair share of ups and downs and she is frustrated with it as well. We both realize that we have commitments, me more than her, and to be honest the man she is with is an amazing guy. Outside of lack of romance they are perfect together which is weird why she feels the way she does for me.

So after three weeks of emotional cheating (there I said it) we decided that we have to work on what we already have. But I feel like I am dying inside right now. I've been in love and lost before and it's never ever felt like this. I don't feel whole and while we still work together there's just semi avoidance and trying to keep things professional. So which brings me to my dilemma...I want what I had with her. But I don't think I ever could have that level with my wife. Believe me after years of trying we are just a boring sad married couple. No huge problems but no life to it either. What the hell do I do? Divorce my wife and break up my home? That's not something I want to do unless that is my only choice. I'm just afraid I'm going to live the rest of my life not knowing what it would be like to be with someone who I connected with on every level and complimented and completed my existence. I'd love to have that with my wife I'm just scared it never could.

[d0nnivain]

What you do is what you said you would do: work on your marriage.

 

If your wife gave you the kind of attention you got from the other woman, you would be in love with your life again.

 

Have you actually tried to date your wife? Get off the couch & do something, anything together? Go for a walk after dinner. Have a night out or even in sans kids once in a while. Get over yourself on who has to initiate. If she's not saying no, when you ask for sex stop depriving yourself of that closeness & those endorphins because she didn't ask you. She may have concluded that you have given up & no longer desire to be in the marriage.

 

Tell her about what almost happened so she knows how dire this situation is so she knows she has to work too to save your marriage.

 

Consider MC

[OneLov]

I think you must also work on accepting the belief that your general emotional state in a marriage/long-term relationship compared to the "honeymoon" phase of dating is much different. You said you fell for and are in love with your wife, so once you fall for and are in love this girl, do you belief it would be different? Also, did you always have communication issues with your wife?

[privategal]

I had this E-X-A-C-T scenario.

It went on for YEARS.

It ended up breaking up our friendship forever. We also were able to avoid it being physical but the 'love' never seemed to end once it was there.

Its a heart breaking situation.

[NTV]

If you are sad, do you expect that feeling to last? Forever? Of course not. So why would you think that your feelings for this 'soulmate' would last? Emotions are fleeting, and you know it. You know that the way you feel towards her right now won't last.

 

 

But let's play pretend. Let's pretend they would and that this unfiltered joy of being soulmate match did last forever... is that worth the amount of pain your kids would go through if you divorced? Because that's what is at risk right now isn't it? A broken home and a broken family....

 

 

I think that the single best way for you to get out of this quandary you feel over this woman is to tell you wife and be honest about it. Hell yeah it'd be hard and painful, and who really knows whats in that can of worms... but it may also be the thing that completely changes the dynamic of your marriage to get it back to the place you want it to be.

 

 

'Course... who am I? Some stranger on the internet.

[Girlfromcali]

She's not your soulmate. My fMM also told me I was his soulmate.

 

It was new relationship energy and passion based on fantasy and make believe, not love.

 

If you're unhappy, divorce your wife, be on your own and heal.

 

Then when you're ready, start dating. Otherwise you're just like every single MM in this forum.

[lucy_in_disguise]

My mom has a saying... bored people are boring people. What are you actively doing to work on your relationship with your wife? Are you taking an interest in her hobbies or trying to find something you can enjoy together? Do you take her on dates, give her flowers to increase the romance? What have you done to improve your sex life- perhaps try out new toys since she seems into that?

 

Do you help around at home- you just had a baby, so it must be stressful/ busy.

 

It always takes 2 to keep a relationship interesting. In your situation you have 2 young children including a child who is only 6 months. For their sakes you owe it to yiur family to try harder than lamenting that you are just a sad boring couple. It doesnt have to be that way but since you are the unhappy one, the onus is on you to make the effort.

 

Another thought is telling your wife about the emotional affair. It will piss her off but likely also get the two of you talking. It might help to go to counseling at the same time to get in a setting where the difficult conversations can happen more easily. Another benefit of this route is that it will keep you more accountable to avoid starting a full blown affair with the other woman, which I think youre at serious risk of doing even if you dont know it.

 

Its easy to have butterflies for someone new, whom you only know in a context outside real life. Real life is filled with boring minutae- cleaning, paying bills, dealing with the kids. Its not condusive to soul-baring conversations or romance. It is much harder to retain those butterflies with someone you are sharing a life with- you have to put in real effort. Its also hard to have an emotional connection with someome from whom you are hiding your feelings- as you have been doing with your wife, first about your unhappiness with the relationship, and now about the OW.

Edited May 5, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[LadyIrish]

Forget your co-worker. What you think you have with her has no bearing on what your wife is entitled to, which is all your love and emotional energy and mind space and well every corner of your heart.

 

Now answer some questions: Why are you married to your wife? What in your marriage is worthy of redemption?

 

Now to bring focus back to your WIFE and your MARRIAGE, start each day with asking you wife this one question:

What is one thing I can do to make your day better today?

 

Then do it. Because you love her. And her happiness is your happiness. Do it every day. Without an expectation of a "thank you" or anything in return. Do it unconditionally. Give it freely out of your whole heart. Every day, seek one way to make her happy.

[ShatteredLady]

Were you trying for your new baby? How did you feel when you first learnt that you guys were pregnant? How did you feel when you first saw the little image of your baby inside your wife?

 

I ask these questions because those first months after having a new baby are so very hard. The sleep deprivation messes with both of your heads. We weren't having fantastic sex & partying having fun when I was hormonal, breast feeding, carrying baby weight, sleep deprived, exhausted etc etc.

 

As a SAHM catching a moment to relax & watch some TV was a JOY!!! I love my kids beyond words but oh it's so hard when they're little... My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was over a year old. At 6 months she didn't nap & woke about every 3 hours through the night!!

 

I'm interested to know how much of this is usual post baby stress & how much is a real mismatch of personalities. You say that your W pursued you. That's a strange thing to note all of these years later. To me that sounds like major rewriting!! What does that matter to anything after love, marriage, parenthood?

[wmacbride]

How well do you actually know this ow? I mean, really know her, and not just the image she shares with you?

 

What is she like when she's angry? What is she like when she doesn't get her own way, when she's sad, when she's just plain feeling grouchy.

 

that's the thing with this type of situation. you are only seeing bits and pieces of her, and not who she is for an extended period of time. She is doing the "courtship dance" , just as you are, without even realizing it. When a relationship is new, you put your best foot forward. Everyone does. It's normal.

 

However, consider this. How do yo think her So sees her? What words would he use to describe her? I expect that one fo them is trustworthy. he probably thinks she would never let herself get close to another guy, would never open up to anyone the way she dos to him, that they are happy.

 

Sounds like he'd be wrong about all of the above, and he has had much more time to get to know her.

 

the same holds true for her. How well does she know you? Has she seen you at your worst? has she been treated badly by you yet still loves you? Has she been yelled at by you yet still loves you?

 

btw, you are being unfair to your w. you list all of the things she does wrong, yet say precious little about her that's not negative. What are some of her good points?

[Robert]

Looks like the threadstarter disappeared shortly after starting the thread, so we'll close it up for now, pending their return. They can request it be reopened via the 'Alert Us' button. Thanks! ~6