Shadow

[maxrebo]

I broke up with my gf of 1 year roughly 3 months ago. I was feeling like the relationship was one sided. early in the relationship I treated her the best, spent as much time with her as I could, got into the same hobbies, paid for everything when would go out, went to all the places she wanted, etc. I loved her, but I never felt like I was her ideal man, as much as she said it, she never really did much to show it. I think the turning point was 6 months in the relationship when she came forward about something that happened between her and her ex while we were dating. her ex has a meth problem and she was visiting him to see how he was doing( I didn't know about any of this), said her ex looked worse than ever and in an emotional state stuff ended up happening between the two of them. she told me a couple days after it happened; apologized, said she felt terrible, wanted us to grow together, there's no one she loves more than me. etc.. but she also insisted that if I couldn't truly forgive her than I shouldn't be with her. I was upset but i forgave her because at that time I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I never brought it up ever after that. In my head however the event reinforced this idea that I'm not ideal for her.

 

In the last 3 months of our relationship I was still taking her places, paying for everything, trying to support her as best as I could. she lost her car in wreck so I was driving her to and from work everyday in addition to my work commute. .I told her i'll take her to work early in the morning especially because it's dark, but I also suggested she try the bus or lightrail that was right across the street from her place of work to get home in the afternoon. All the driving her around was getting irritating, but nothing changed. My work schedule had to accommodate her schedule, she had Saturdays off, but there's literally no reason she needed that day off, her managers even threatened to take that day off away from her a couple time, I told her it'd be easier for me to get any other day on a regular basis and it would probably be easier for her too; that way we can see each other. it went in one ear and out the other.

 

We started arguing more, she could see I was getting less patient with her, spending less of my free time with her, and just not really communicating with her. I think I exhausted myself trying to swoon her by really stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm a big introvert and it seems like she doesn't want that. In trying to be something else I not only got exhausted but I became a bit resentful. we broke up when i went alone to visit my mom to sort out some tax stuff, my gf tried contacting me, she knew where I was and what I was doing. I missed her call because my phone is an old piece of crap that sometimes forwards calls to voicemail automatically with no notification. when I got into contact with her the next day she started accusing me of forwarding her calls on purpose, and She wanted to know what was wrong , and I told her, I didn't forward those calls and the reason I've been so distant is because "I feel like I'm carrying all the weight in the relationship, I've rearranged my life around you, but you haven't done the same." I asked her if that made sense, she said "it sounds like you don't want a relationship." and then I said "you're right" out of frustration. I apologized for not being more clear about all my feelings, she then proceeded to call me judgmental. And that pissed me off and I ended it there. the next day she texted me apologetic, saying she understands how I feel, she said she hopes I find happiness in life and that the year we spent together was amazing in her opinion. I responded with "I'm sorry, you're wonderful, beautiful and I wish you the very best, goodbye" and her response to that was "you really were the man of my dreams [] she included that link.

 

I've been NC for 3 months, I regret letting it all go down that way, idk if I have much of chance to reconnect, if so what should i do?

Edited May 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
youtube link redacted ~6

[deadparrot]

Based on what you've written sounds toxic, overdramatic, and immature. I know it's hard in the moment when there are feelings involved but I'd encourage you to maintain NC and work on moving on. Once you're past the intense emotional phase, you'll realize that this wasn't a good dynamic.

[maxrebo]

Based on what you've written sounds toxic, overdramatic, and immature. I know it's hard in the moment when there are feelings involved but I'd encourage you to maintain NC and work on moving on. Once you're past the intense emotional phase, you'll realize that this wasn't a good dynamic.

 

Thanks, that helps. I was a bit depressed recently and it crossed my mind to seek her out again, but in writing out the situation and rereading it, I reminded myself about all the negative stuff and your insight reinforces that.

[TaraMaiden2]

Have you read the NC Guide (see my signature/link)?

 

I know it's usually for the dumpee, as opposed to the dumper, but I would say that due to her attitude and selfish manner throughout, she precipitated and expedited the break-up, so you probably feel as bad as any dumpee would.

 

She may well SAY that -

she understands how I feel, ... hopes I find happiness in life and that the year we spent together was amazing in her opinion. ...."you really were the man of my dreams ....

 

But she said absolutely nothing about reconciling - or better yet, repairing the damage, and remedying her behaviour.

The next guy she lands will find himself in exactly the same scenario with her, because while she regrets breaking up with you - it's because she's now going to have to be independent, instead of having you running rings around her.

 

The man of her dreams is one who does everything for her without any expectation of any slightest thing in return. And that truly IS 'the stuff of dreams'...

 

Read the Guide and follow through.

It's for your own good.

Relationships are 50/50, and she obviously never ever got that memo.

 

I hope you find someone as appreciative of your relationship efforts as you deserve, because she certainly didn't deserve YOU.

And never will.

[NTV]

If her ex is a meth head, there's a really good chance she was one too at least while she was with him if not after. Even if she wasn't, she cheated on you. If she did it once, she'll do it again. And maybe the second time her methhead lover will get jealous and gun you down because he doesn't have anything else really going for him.

 

 

If you want to step in dog poo, go walk around the park.

[Bee4Shine]

I think your instincts are correct in that you were carrying the majority of the burden of the relationship. There needs to be reciprocation on both parts, but you also have to communicate your feelings when you feel that you are being taken advantage of. When you told her things she could do, she may have thought they were suggestions. In the future, when you feel like you need to communicate things like this - be clear. People don't always "hear" what you are saying, they sometimes hear what they want to hear. I hope you can move forward and find someone who loves you as you are without any changes. That is the best kind of relationship to have.

[maxrebo]

If her ex is a meth head, there's a really good chance she was one too at least while she was with him if not after. Even if she wasn't, she cheated on you. If she did it once, she'll do it again. And maybe the second time her methhead lover will get jealous and gun you down because he doesn't have anything else really going for him.

 

 

If you want to step in dog poo, go walk around the park.

I don't think it would have been too bad honestly as far as he was concerned. I just felt really disheartened and inadequate in the aftermath. Like I used to wonder what compelled her to try and help him, when I feel like I was sacrificing a lot to make her happy and not really getting what I wanted from her. I tried communicating that to her when it all happened, but she just made it all be about me accepting her. idc anymore though, so I totally hear you.

I think your instincts are correct in that you were carrying the majority of the burden of the relationship. There needs to be reciprocation on both parts, but you also have to communicate your feelings when you feel that you are being taken advantage of. When you told her things she could do, she may have thought they were suggestions. In the future, when you feel like you need to communicate things like this - be clear. People don't always "hear" what you are saying, they sometimes hear what they want to hear. I hope you can move forward and find someone who loves you as you are without any changes. That is the best kind of relationship to have.

yeah I agree I can be more clear. I think that's mostly my problem with the way it ended. I struggle with communication, for sure, but she didn't make it any easier. For certain issues she would really flip out and berate me if I said/did the wrong thing.

[NTV]

You said you were sacrificing a lot to make her happy... One of the biggest problems in my marriage was that I did that. Bought into the whole happy wife happy life propaganda. The thing is true happiness comes from within. You can't make do anything to make someone happy they have to choose it. It was a very hard learned lesson for me.

 

I hope that you can learn it now from my words rather than go through the pain of what I went through.

[maxrebo]

ugggh, I've been good about nc. It's going to be 4 months now. I've been working and exercising regularly, but I still feel pretty lost. I still wish I was more diplomatic and tried to work something out before ending it.I talked to my psychotherapist about everything prior to the break-up and his insight was that if I were to go the diplomatic route, the relationship would just be kind of limping along. She might put some more effort in, but it would still be a lot of work for me, as exhausted as I already was. when we were breaking up, if at any point she said she would "try better" I would have immediatley reconciled with her . instead she called me judgmental, but a judgmental person wouldn't have taken her back and tried to forget the time she was unfaithful. Everything about incident with her ex makes me wildly insecure sometimes, even now, but I still tried so hard to make sure she felt like she was my #1 priority. one of the last things she asked me was "you know you're never going to see me again, right?" as if I wasn't the one that initiated the break up, christ. I've heard nothing from her in the past 4 months. Sometimes I don't care, but I guess I just miss having someone to go out with and who I can share affection. I don't have friends outside the internet, she was my only support IRL and outside of my family. A lot of the time I wish she would reach out to me, but I understand her outlook on relationship dynamics and I know she probably never will. I wish I could reach out, but it wouldn't be good or practical now. Also, she made it seem like all her exes came crawling back to her at one point or another and I feel like I have to be better than that. as ****ed up as I feel now, I'm pretty good natured, and have most of my **** together. I've always been a little self-loathing, but with this girl it became a little more intense. Like I felt like if I was more confident or handsome she'd like me more. I was accepting of her and it pisses me off that she didn't seem to accept or value me. I wish I could have articulated that better when we broke up.

[maxrebo]

I keep toying with the idea of reconciliation, maybe not now but in the near future. I feel so frustrated. I keep having dreams about her.

[Satu]

I keep toying with the idea of reconciliation, maybe not now but in the near future. I feel so frustrated. I keep having dreams about her.

 

None of that comes as any surprise; its normal and to be expected.

 

You deserve to be with someone who puts as much into the relationship as you do.

 

Don't ever settle for less.

 

Inequality never works.

 

 

Take care.

[maxrebo]

It was an unhealthy relationship. all the time apart has made that clear to me. I just wonder if I could salvage something?assuming she'd even consider me again. What are even the chances of that? I really liked her but her idea of a relationship is like a movie. i guess I shouldn't count on her maturing a little if I talk to her. I talked to her about her expectation early on when we were together. She just kind of said "I feel like I deserve what I want and I think you are capable of giving me that". Not word for word but that's essentially what she conveyed.

[maxrebo]

It's weird, I yearn, I loved her, but there's a few specific incidents where she sort of emotionally blackmailed me. It really poisons the good we had. It pushes me away, but I also want to help her.

[DeLaSouL]

"I feel like I deserve what I want and I think you are capable of giving me that"

 

Sounds like she feels that the whole relationship should be about her, not "us". She deffinitly is immature. How old is she?

 

Either way, you did the most difficult and the right thing. My respects for that. You really do deserve more then this. I hope you can see this for yourself one day.

 

Btw don't count on changing her. I've known lots of women from age ~20, ~21 that were exactly like this. Guess how they were at their mid 30's. Still the same. She wasn't worth your effort.

Edited June 13, 2016 by DeLaSouL

[maxrebo]

"I feel like I deserve what I want and I think you are capable of giving me that"

 

Sounds like she feels that the whole relationship should be about her, not "us". She deffinitly is immature. How old is she?

 

Either way, you did the most difficult and the right thing. My respects for that. You really do deserve more then this. I hope you can see this for yourself one day.

 

Btw don't count on changing her. I've known lots of women from age ~20, ~21 that were exactly like this. Guess how they were at their mid 30's. Still the same. She wasn't worth your effort.

She's the same age as me, 26. This was my first major relationship, this was her 4th. those last 3 ended badly from what she told me, and the 3rd one didn't seem completely resolved, hence the unfaithful night. actually, it seemed like she was still hurting from all her relationships. She would say she was scared about our relationship because i didn't seem to know what I want and I was RELATIVELY inexperienced to her and she's used to guys who know what they want. idk. I tried to be drama free and supportive up until the very end. i feel the only people that put up with that are immature or really dysfunctional and desperate. It's all tragic. I dreamt last night that i was texting her and getting no response and I just keep waiting.

We were going to get a studio together, and now I'm living at home. I could get it by myself, it'd be expensive, but my therapist told me I should try to go some place else.

 

PS De La Soul is rad

[maxrebo]

I came to the conclusion that I'm codependent. I sort of am trying to see a psychiatrist to treat my anxiety and ask them about behavioral therapy in addition to the medication. my first appointments next month.

 

UP UP UPDATE

um but i recently reactivated my okc account last week and mentioned that I'm recovering from that codependency, taking relationships slow and I think that my ex saw that.

 

she texted me last night stating

 

"I know this is upsetting to hear from me, but I've been meaning to talk to you, please msg me or call me."

 

uh it's been 7 months NC and she broke it and Idk what she could possibly want to talk about. I haven't responded. maybe she wants to set things straight about how I claim codependency?if this is some self-serving thing on her part I don't want anything to do with this. I feel like I'm getting traction on a new path in life and worry she's going to try to pull me back into something that leads nowhere.