Broken up with friend.

[NalaRose]

Okay, this is a long one, but I feel like I need to tell the whole story.

 

Basically, 6 years ago, my best friend had a house party. Long and short, my ex was there (we were on friendly terms and he had a girlfriend at the time). I went home while everyone else stayed. She rings me the next morning, saying she has something to tell me. I say 'what, did you sleep with xxxxxx' and she goes silent. Don't know what made me say it. I was devestated. I have this standpoint that you don't go after friends' exes, which she knew. The upshot is, I broke off the friendship. But I still miss her after all this time. She was like my twin. I've never been able to find that friendship with anyone else since. I basically need some unbiased, impartial advice. My 'friends' basically made me out to be the bad person as I broke off the friendship and they couldn't see that she'd really done that much wrong, but I digress. Now, after all this time, she following me on social media. I accepted a friend request on fb a while back as I thought it she might contact me and I could get closure. Nope. Nothing. I need some closure, but talking to her or making contact is not an option. (Call it pride, or whatever, but I feel like it will be inviting her more back into my life, when I know I need to move on). I am the sort of person who holds grudges, that's just me, and even if we became friends again, it wouldn't be how it used to be. We are both changed people and I could never trust her implicitly ever again, and I feel like it would just be like I'm trying to get the 'good old days' back, which wouldn't happen. So it would be for all the wrong reasons.

 

They've been off and on again since, and they are plagued with him cheating (which isn't surprising as he did it to me countless times, which she also knew). It does speak volumes to me as what sort of true friend would risk their friendship for a guy who always cheats? She said she wasn't drunk, so that also suggests that she must of had some feelings there for him. I've u followed her on Fb, but I don't want to unfriend her purely for the fact that I don't want her to know that It bothers me and that I care.

 

Just need someone's advice on the whole situation, one that doesn't include the phase 'just get over it' (oh if only it was that simple). Can anyone help?

[privategal]

Healing from broken friendship is the same as healing from a regular breakup only WORSE.

You have to go through all of the stages if greiving and work on forgiving her...in your heart...for you, not for her...you dont have to tell her you do.

Also who cares what she thinks...unfriend her. Its part of healing and letting go.

You wont get closure...indifference will be your closure.

Unfriend and block.

[Taramere]

Also who cares what she thinks...unfriend her. Its part of healing and letting go. You wont get closure...indifference will be your closure. Unfriend and block.

 

Agreed. Getting to a place where you can accept the prospect that somebody is likely to draw unflattering/annoying conclusions about your reasons for no longer dealing with them, unfriending them from Facebook or whatever else, but take that action anyway is a way of letting go and forms part of moving on. You can't really control what other people think of you.

 

Becoming relatively okay with that is one of the most valuable lessons a person can learn, I think. But it's not easy. Absolute indifference isn't always possible, but learning to care a lot less is generally a pretty attainable goal.

[preraph]

I have some experienced advice to offer here. My friend of 17 years chose to gamble her friendship with me just for a one-night stand with the guy I was in love with, which guy I am still friends with, by the way, so it wasn't a fly-by-night thing. I gave myself 6 weeks to cool off (she was my roommate at the time) before doing anything rash. During that time, she took my little black book and used my distancing myself from her as an excuse to connect with ALL my male friends, past and present. I kicked her out of my life entirely and never regretted it.

 

Many years earlier in high school, she had also betrayed me and I had kicked her out of my life for a couple of years then too. That time it was by telling her new friend my secrets and then allowing her to humiliate me with them. The only reason I took her back later was because she was the only familiar face at the dorm when I entered my first year in college. Big mistake. Wish I'd never done it and would have saved myself what was one of the most traumatic events of my entire life. I am 63 now. I do not want anything more to do with her. She caused me a lot of pain.

 

Once you let someone betray you and then let them get away with it, they will only do it worse the next time. Yes, of course, I mourned losing such a longtime friend (plus boyfriend at the time). It was a big loss. But I'm telling you right now, take her back and she will do it and just keep doing it. There's a lot of people in the world who will not do that to you. So find new friends. I'm sorry for your loss. You make your own luck here or I'd say good luck. You have to set boundaries and maintain them because there's always someone who will try it.

[Standard-Fare]

So to get this clear, NalaRose, your friend and your ex DID become a couple, or something like it? And they're still involved with each other to this day? If that's the case (meaning it wasn't just a couple of hook-ups six years ago):

 

I think in situations like this your emotions will always win over however much you want to let logic lead the way.

 

Logically, you know that you no longer had "rights" to your ex at the time they hooked up; you know that your friend didn't do that for the sake of hurting you; and you know that six years later you should have moved past it.

 

Emotionally, though, you know you were deeply hurt when she crossed that line and also deeply hurt by losing that significant friendship in your life. You know that you could never fully trust her again; and that the core of your past friendship is broken beyond repair.

 

You can't pretend that these emotional complications don't exist. They're a roadblock to establishing any meaningful friendship with this girl in the future.

 

But that doesn't mean you have to be active enemies. You can keep up with each other's lives on social media, and if you ever see each other again I'm sure you can be friendly and civil. That may be the best you can hope for.

[Forceawakensme]

Agreed. Getting to a place where you can accept the prospect that somebody is likely to draw unflattering/annoying conclusions about your reasons for no longer dealing with them, unfriending them from Facebook or whatever else, but take that action anyway is a way of letting go and forms part of moving on. You can't really control what other people think of you.

 

Becoming relatively okay with that is one of the most valuable lessons a person can learn, I think. But it's not easy. Absolute indifference isn't always possible, but learning to care a lot less is generally a pretty attainable goal.

 

THIS 100 x. If we can all work toward this i think we'd have a lot less stress in life.

[Forceawakensme]

This would hurt me too. I am not a grudge holder (quite the opposite, if someone asks for forgiveness or apologizes with sincerity, they are as good as forgiven). But in a situation like this, it would hurt too much to keep associating with her. Regardless of how bad what she did was.. it is just too close to him and brings up too many feelings of jealousy, hurt, betrayal and just all round toxicity into your life. Rational or not, you need to cut her entirely off so you can heal and not be reminded of this.

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry your friend hurt you! It's hard when you're fighting with a friend, and you just want to surround yourself with that friend, but you're fighting! It may be really hard but could you try forgiving her? Forgiving isn't something you do for her, but for you. It's saying "You don't get to trap my in my past." It's giving yourself a future. The only way to move on, it to really let go of the past. Hope this helps!

[Tayla]

Six years? Yes, you have already gone "thru" the real issues long ago.

This here is the cobwebs.. The residue that is requiring spring cleaning.

I admire that you have separated yourself objectively And know where your future lays. To be fair, I think you already made peace with yourself for the person and past you had. Your relationship from them needs to stay there ,with regard and the regrets as well. You are free to establish new social life choices.

 

Neither of you are those persons from the past. We tend to evolve despite our past. Be well.

[teaspoon]

I'm going through a similar thing where my ex-best friend is going out with my first love who I was with for four years. I know how much it hurts, I'm seeing a therapist about it. I've been trying to find some closure and move on with my life because it's always in the back of my mind. I'm now wary of starting new friendships because I'm afraid of being betrayed. I feel like I'll have trust issues for the rest of my life.

 

My therapist said I need to let go of the friendship and also consider ending friendships with mutual friends who I don't feel supported by. She said I should write them each a letter explaining why. I do not miss her at all though. I'm starting to see it as gaining awareness that she was never a true friend to me and now I'm removing the toxicity from my life.

Edited May 18, 2016 by teaspoon

[Got it]

I guess I don't understand the territorial behavior over an ex. I had friends date exes and once I was done with them I had not claim to them. So ending a friendship over it is odd to me. And this guy was a cheater? Why were you upset?

 

Life is too short to hold grudges. You don't have to stay friends with people if they don't bring you value but you are still spending a lot of energy on what? Something from six years ago? That is such a waste of your time. Closure comes from within she can't give that to you so I think you still have some work to do on yourself. If having her show up on your FB triggers you then take her off and move on.

[SpiralOut]

So she has spent the past 6 years of her life dating a guy who doesn't respect her. He constantly cheats on her. And instead of leaving him she sticks around. If I were you I would just feel sorry for her. It makes sense that you don't trust her, and I agree that she should be the one to reach out to you first. Simply friending you on FB and then not sending any messages to you seems strange to me. However, if you really do miss her, I see nothing wrong with messaging her. I think you should either unfriend her or send her a message. Right now her presence on your FB page is a loose end.

[Offspring]

I You have to set boundaries and maintain them because there's always someone who will try it.

 

Ooh yeah, can't reiterate that enough! Boundaries... There will always be new friends for you to make