If he's angry towards his ex, is he not over her?

[ecd38]

I have been dating this guy for 6 months but we have fallen hard for each other fast. He is someone I can see myself spending my life with. He has a complicated past and so do I. When I met him, I had just gotten out of something and made it clear I was not ready to date until my heart was healed and my trust issues gone. But he won me over with his patience and sweetness, he just seem so trusting. We started dating, and I realized he wasn't exactly cleared from his past. He dated his first love for over 3 years and it wasn't a fantastic relationship but he never wanted to give up on it. They gave each other promise rings and everything, supposedly to fix whatever issues they had going on. She never really communicated well and ended up breaking up with him. They never went back to each other but eventually stayed in touch. He was extremely heartbroken over it and tried to cover it up with other relationships. This girl has clearly been on his mind for years, partially I'm sure because they stayed in touch. But the worst part is that I found out she lives right up the road from the house he lives in and ended up just buying. He did cut things off with her when he met me. So he has not talked to her in probably 6-7 months. This whole thing makes me so uneasy. At first in our relationship, I could tell he wasn't over her. But then him and I really fell for each other. We are completely madly in love with each other, always talk about marriage and our future. He will go to any measure to make this relationship better and we have the best communication in the world. There is nothing we don't talk about. Our chemistry is perfect, we believe in all of the same things and we are best friends. I really do love him and trust him, and I know he loves me. But I can't shake this feeling of the ex girlfriend crap. He doesn't bring her up at all, but sometimes he says there's things he really appreciates in me that I think is a comparison to what he had in the past. and sometimes he claims he loves a song, but it is about a breakup or being angry at an ex. I am so torn because we have the best relationship and I want to spend my life with him, but he has admitted he is still bitter towards her and has no idea why. I am unsympathetic because from my point of view, she dumped you because she didn't want to be with you, and now you have something better. What is there to be angry at?

 

It makes me feel like I am not enough. Is there a difference between not being over someone or what happened vs still being in love with them? Am I insecure or is it really not normal to be bitter towards an ex that ended 3 years ago? How do we deal with this? Is this a deal breaker and a red flag or am I just overreacting and not being understanding? Please help, all opinions. Especially from personal experience

[Space Ritual]

Could be, but it also could be something else.

 

 

Even though she lives close to him do you have any reason to think he is seeing her again?

 

Your gut seems to be saying he never really got over her, and your post kind of spells that out.

 

One thing I ill say is that when you are young, 3 years is an eternity. When you get old like I am now, 3 years is a drop in the bucket. That being said, your actions point out to him the differences between how good he has it now and how bad it was with her. It is easy for someone to have those feelings especially if she was his first love. And it is easy to be bitter about it.

 

In this instance though I think you need to cut yourself some slack. If he has not had contact with her for 6 months or so then that is a good sign.

 

So do you have any concrete evidence that he may be seeing her on the side or in contact with her?

[smackie9]

You have only been dating for 6 months, you two are just infatuated with each other. Given you two are all obsessed you are going to feel some jealousy, and uneasiness....perfectly normal at this stage. Give it another 6 months for things to wind down when your head is out of the clouds. At this point you could be just letting your imagination/insecurities get the best of you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It sounds like the only thing you are pinning this on is that he sometimes likes songs that are about breakups/sadness, and he tells you about things he likes about you, which you then internally assume are in comparison to the ex?

 

Sorry but if that's all there is to this, other than him still being a little bitter, it sounds like it's mostly in your head. It is much nicer for you to imagine that he is totally indifferent to her and feels nothing, to the next girl that would really wind them up and they'd wish he felt anger towards her for hurting him and that the indifference showed he could still develop feelings.

 

He's doing nothing wrong and it seems like he's over her, after all when you got together it was you that was too hung up on your ex to start something, not him. I am totally with Smackie on this, usually in the first flush of infatuation any little thing that tells you this person might walk away becomes amplified and a huge deal, but when things settle down into more companionable, reliable love, you'll probably feel differently. At that stage you'll feel like your R is becoming more and more 'valid' and meaningful to him purely by the passage of time, given that you've only been together six months and he was with her three years.

 

At six months though to be talking about marriage and 'our future' all the time seems fast, I get making sure you're both on the same page and all that, but to be frequently discussing marriage when your own relationship is barely off the ground sounds more like two people who are both desperate to lock each other down and solidify this. Perhaps you enjoy this because you're intimidated by the fact they shared 'promise rings' (which mean nothing), but I'd encourage you to slow down, enjoy the R for the here and now and leave talking about marriage for at least another six months until the infatuation has had chance to wear off and you guys can see where you are. That's a bigger worry in this R than the ex stuff, imo. Running before you can walk can really crash and burn something good.

[ecd38]

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses, I guess I just needed some reassurance. It's crazy how much you can feel for someone in such a short time and I guess that is why we jump the gun. But before I met him I always said what is meant to be will happen, why do people rush? I get it now but I need to be reminded to slow down every now and then because when you're in a new relationship it doesn't feel like infatuation even if everyone else can see it. But there is a lot of depth to us too and chemistry and I don't see this relationship not working out, we have everything we've both wanted.

 

No, I really don't have reason to think he is in contact with her. We're very honest with each other and my gut tells me he wouldn't hide that from me. I think what it is in my mind is that him living close to her has given me anxiety and being in a small town like that causes him to reflect on her a lot and think about her. I'm also unsympathetic because I was in a relationship long ago that was twice as long as his and we cut each other off cold turkey when it ended, and that really helped me get over it and move on fast. So I guess there's this expectation that he should've done the same thing but everyone is different. But you're right, I am digging things out because being in a relationship for so short makes you afraid to lose the person and get insecure about lots of things. He is a trustworthy man and I shouldn't let some overthinking get in the way. All of the signs of someone missing their ex just aren't there. He doesn't bring her up first, he doesn't sit there and tell stories about her, he is definitely not in contact with her and he is very serious about me and happy with me. I have little reason to be insecure. I just need to give this thing some time to settle down.