The long overdue proposal...

[Chibaby]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. After 2 years we knew we wanted to get married. Well here it is now after 4 years of being together and he still hasn't proposed! At first I started dropping hints, but I'm at the point now where I am just extremely frustrated about the whole thing! It's terrible I know, but I can't help feeling angry that he didn't propose sooner! I'm no longer super excited about him proposing, because to be frank now I'm just kind of expecting it! I mean, I'm excited, but irked, and it's starting to be the cause of several arguements. I know this is a terrible attitude to have, but I can't help feeling really sad when people announce their engagements. I get extremely jealous because I see these people who have been together for 2-3 years getting proposed to, or people who are several years younger, and here I am ringless still when I feel like I should have been asked sooner! We are stable enough. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me, and I'm really questioning myself, with things like "well, if he wasn't ready before was it because he doesn't love me enough or because he didn't want to?..." To top things off, I walked into a conversation he had with his uncle saying he was going to propose to me on our vacation to Hawaii, so now I won't even be surprised when he asks! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he's asking and I still want to do this, I just want to know one thing, how can I get my positive attitude back about this? I feel like it's just too late for things now, things are overdue and here I am I'm not even going to be surprised about it. I feel like everything is ruined. I don't want him to propose, and then I'm thinking FINALLY, what the heck took you so long! And I also don't want to be thinking, "yep, I knew you were going to propose this weekend." There's no element of surprise! How can I get a better outlook on things and change my attitude?

[curiousnycgirl]

You need to give yourself a good swift kick in the butt!

 

Who cares if you sorta know when - you won't know the details of what he is planning! Even if you did, who cares? You love this man and he loves you - everything else is irrelevant!

[Lost My Pocket]

Does he know you are thinking like this? if he does, Id be surprised he wants to propose at all. Chibaby, you are in a relationship where you want your bf to be your husband, being married involves a lot more than a swift surprise proposal.

 

If you want to get a positive attitude back, thank your lucky stars and every time you get a negative thought, dont indulge it. Just ignore the thought and think something positive about your bf, you dont have any right to feel miffed about something you overheard which should have induced happy thoughts - not disappointment. So dont allow yourself to sabotage this because your unrealistic expectations are in the way

 

Sure its just the proposal thats wrong? If it is, put a lid on it and put it where it belongs, out of mind.

[Thinkalot]

That is true- you should be happy.

 

But i want you to know, I understand how you are feeling right now. I felt like that sometimes too. I waited for some time for my husband to propose...we'd bought a ring together and hidden it away...and ages later he proposed, so there was a long time inbetween where i kept wondering why he was delaying, and then sorta knew when it was going to happen, and wished it was more of a surprise.

 

But, the thing is, when it did happen HOW it happened was a surprise, and the happiness and relief and joy I felt brought tears to me eyes. He proposed in a very romantic lovely way, and the waiting did not matter.

 

I know where you are right now...but try your best to see the big picture and be happy you have a man you want to marry and who wants to marry you...understand the proposal will still be special (even things arent unfolding how you wished they would in your fairytale version). Life never goes to plan anyway. Our fairytale ideas usually arent true in reality. But the reality, if we roll with it, can be wonderful in its own way anyway!

[Chibaby]

This is off topic, but why is it when I post something on here, I get twice as many negative comments/feedback than I do good advice? Are people just jaded and looking to trash someone for being honest and seeking advice? I'm looking for advice, constructive criticism, not negativity and judgmental people. I don't know how many times I'm told that I'm a spoiled brat or that I need to be kicked in the butt for what I think. I'm just looking for advice to help me feel better and improve my relationship. So constructive criticism is welcome, but if your going to tell me that because of the way I think I should be 'kicked in the butt' please don't comment. Just because my thought process is different doesn't mean that it's OK to make me feel stupid.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How can I get a better outlook on things and change my attitude?

 

Have you considered setting up an appointment with a therapist or counselor? It sounds like you have some issues that cause you to put how things 'should' be ahead of appreciating them for what they are - probably a lot deeper and far-reaching in your life than you may think - and this proposal business could just be an example of a greater problem within yourself. This is something you really want to dissect and figure out before you get married. Otherwise, you will have worried so much over what your marriage 'should' be to avoid divorce and unhappiness that you never end up actually participating fully in your marriage or enjoying it and you'll find yourself in a self-fulfilling prophecy of unhappiness and divorce as a result.

 

You don't want to wake up one day and realize you have wasted your time worrying about your life to the extent that you never actually lived or enjoyed it.

[organge]

well, i can relate with you big time. we were together much less then you and your bf, but every situation is different. he started talking about proposing when we were together 6 -7 months and actually proposed year later - when we were together 1,5 years. last few months before the proposal i was going crazy. i even went that far that was flirting with another guy in the presence of my bf and when he asked me what i am doing i just said - that seems that i have better chances to marry a strager then him and need to look around. the thing which brought up my negativity was his talking - why mention marriage etc, why talk about it all the time, why say i am planning to propose and then it takes so long when i reach the point that i dont need that anymore... i felt like i was slowly stopping to love him.

 

well, he proposed. in a wonderful way - by chartering a plane to a wonderful castle. all wonderful. expected but also in a way unexpected, because i did not know how he will do it. i was happy when he proposed, but i would have been much more happy if he would have done it earlier. or may be even later but without talking and discussing it and making me feel that he is making false promises. because as strange it may seem i am/was not a person really wanting a marriage before he started talking about it. if there would have been no talks i would have been happy by just living together which we did/do.

 

now, it has been around 3 weeks after our engagment. and you know what - the damage is still there. call me mad, but i cannot forget the way i felt those last few months before the proposal. i have to say i love him less, i respect him less - desperately hoping these feelings will go - will see... but somehow it seems that i am still drifting away from him.. not sure if i can give any advice - but try to let him know how you are feeling, may be that will help, if he is sensible he will do something about it - you will talk and sort this out hopefully.