Crushes outside the relationship

[plmted]

Hi all,

I'm new to the LS community, and look forward to reading more.

 

My question is how to deal with feelings for people outside of a monogamous relationship.

 

I've been in a monogamous relationship with my bf going on 4 years. He is a great guy, a solid partner, we share a home, and have talked about marrying when time and finances are right.

 

But, I've recently developed complicated feelings for his brother. His brother is energetic, fun to be around, has helped my bf and I out a lot over the years (with favors, support, etc.), and the three of us enjoy spending a lot of time together, hanging out. I usually feel like a 'big sis' with my bf's younger brother (by a couple of years), and he often turns to us for advice, moral support, company, etc. We've def. bonded since I first met him.

 

Maybe it was only a matter of time, but I started to develop feelings for him. When we all hang out, the two of us have been chattier recently. Our convos have gotten lighter and more teasing. Sometimes we talk about our sex/relationship history, and he has been turning to my bf and I more for advice with different things he's been struggling with. I like "being there" for him, and being someone he can turn to, and I appreciate all the ways he's been helping us over years. I sincerely love and care for him. Some days I'm better at keeping this feeling platonic; other days I find him really attractive. I have no clue about whether the feeling is mutual. My bf has gotten more silent and distant when the three of us are together these days and he lets the two of us talk. I think my bf is picking up on my vibe, and it makes me sad and guilt-stricken that I could be hurting him (I'm trying hard to contain my feelings and not 'flirt', but am probably not doing a good job).

 

To be clear, I do NOT plan on acting on these feelings; the consequences would be bad for everyone involved. My question is more, how do you cope with this day to day? The pain of accepting an impossible situation? Is it possible to turn a crush back towards your relationship? (has anyone done this with success?). Thanks for your advice.

Edited May 4, 2016 by plmted

[sunking101]

Stop hanging out with his bro!

[plmted]

Thanks, sunking. I think that 'no contact' is the best move in most situations (crushes on a coworker, friend, etc.).

 

But as a part of my bf's life, I'm a part of his family's life, too. I guess by that, I mean, he's pretty close with his bro, so "cutting him out" isn't an option (taking it would cause other problems). I guess i'm stumped about how to deal b/c I feel like I just have to accept that I'll be seeing this person a lot, and am wondering how to do it.

[CarrieT]

Bring it out to the open. Tell your BF and it will get dealt with and - hopefully - diffused pretty quickly.

 

You may even hopefully get to a point where you can joke about the time you had a crush on his brother...

[d0nnivain]

I'd just put a lot of distance in your interactions with the brother & definitely no one on one. Even if you broke up with your BF it's not like the brother is going to want to date you. Too awkward.

 

now repeatedly tell yourself the brother is off limits until you believe it.

[plmted]

hi CarrieT. I think my bf is the kind of person who wouldn't be too phased if I told him. He's super understanding, not the jealous type. If the crush gets out of hand, I'll consider talking to him about it.

 

Thanks, D0nnivain. I think ultimately this is what I probably have to do---remind myself that he's off limits. Besides the affection and fun we have, we def. wouldn't date--we're not each others' type.

 

The crush caught me really off guard, tho. I guess I'm learning that it's really hard for men and women to be friends after all (always thought it was easier than this).

Thanks!

Edited May 5, 2016 by plmted

[Space Ritual]

What?

 

LMAO

 

What is there to accept?

You are dating this guy's brother..well for the moment. I think your Boyfriend already knows what is up and that's why he is retreating a bit. He already knows. He can probably tell by the body language you have around his brother. I'm sure it does not take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

 

Do yourself and your boyfriend a huge favor and just break up with him and date somebody else who is not his brother. If you had to write in to LS about this question chances are that this situation will turn south sooner rather than later.

 

Nothing good is going to come of this. best to back out now to avoid creating a really hostile environment.

[smackie9]

Normal part of life yes...all you have to do is restrict contact, stop having intimate personal conversations with him, and stop asking him for advice or giving him advice....cut him off. He doesn't need to know what's going on with you and his brother. AND I would suggest to your BF to stop sharing intimate detail about your relationship with him...that it should be kept private.....it's none of his bees wax.

[plmted]

Space Ritual, you are right that my bf has clued in, that it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these things out, and that it can create a really hostile environment. I def. don't plan on breaking it off. I'm more curious about what people do when they really want to not mess things up in the first relationship. I've been dedicated to this man for years and want to stay that way. Never faced this strong crush situation before, tho.

 

smackie 9, thanks. As you write, it's def. the personal conversations that played a big role. I think, when ppl. share problems and vulnerabilities, it's hard not to bond and feel close. The compassion easily turns to more. So, i need to be more vigilant about drawing a line there with these kinds of discussions.

 

Thanks, everyone, for taking the time.

[pteromom]

Don't talk to him about sex/relationships on a personal level (if he brings it up, nod a lot but don't move the conversation forward.)

 

Think about what it is about him that you are finding attractive. You say he isn't your "type", so what is it? Could it be that it just makes you feel good about yourself when he chooses you as a confidant and advisor?

 

When you start fantasizing about him, make a conscious choice to think about something else. If your bf doesn't work, then Ryan Gosling or Brad Pitt or your 8th grade history teacher, or whatever does it for you.

 

Don't be alone with him. If you find yourself alone with him, find some excuse to leave.

 

Make a conscious effort to be affectionate with your bf when the 3 of you are together. Sit by him, hug him, look in his eyes, tousle his hair, wink at him... make sure he knows your attention is on him, even if you aren't really feeling it at the moment.

 

Don't FLIRT with the brother! I know it feels good, but just DON'T do it. "not doing a good job" isn't an option. It's disrespectful. Think about if your sister or cousin was hanging out, and your bf was acting with her the way you are acting with his brother. It's just not cool at all. And you have to stop it.

 

I don't think it is smart to tell your bf. This is just a temporary meaningless crush, and you don't want to do anything to make the time where the three of you are together awkward.

[kendahke]

If your boyfriend wrote this about his feelings for your little sister, what would you have us say?

 

If you can answer that, then you can answer your own questions about his brother.

 

You're allowing way too much familiarity to develop between yourself and his brother. Like others have said, you should not be discussing ANYTHING that has to do with your relationship with your boyfriend's brother. That's not fit for him to know.

 

If he's coming to you, specifically, about sex problems, then you need to shut that down--like I said--what would you want us to tell your boyfriend if it was your sister coming to him like this?

 

A whole lot of messiness can be avoided by limiting how often you place yourself in close proximity to little bro. It really isn't a befuddling issue between right and wrong here. In fact, it's pretty clear cut.

[plmted]

Thanks, pteromom. Those are all important strategies. We all got together yesterday. I tried your tip to redirect the attention back to bf. It seemed to work pretty well, and it at least got my bf to join in the convo more, and be more engaged. I think my actions were making him feel pushed out. I can see it now (ack, feel horrible). I think I need to accept the responsibility of managing attention/interactions more (not letting the hangouts turn into me + bro chatting/laughing, making my bf the 3rd wheel, which has been the pattern). There's def. a flattery that comes with being seen as a trusted, even needed, person, but that needs to take a backseat to my relationship.

 

Thanks, kendahke. I'd feel pretty horrified if this was going on in reverse. I did have something similar happen to me in a past relationship between an ex and a friend, and I reacted the same as my bf now: became distant and kind of resentful. I def. should reflect on that. Keeping tabs on physical but esp. emotional proximity is really important, I'm learning. I see now how certain topics can veer into TMI territory pretty quickly and need to be redirected, even if the convos feel completely innocent at the time!

Edited May 6, 2016 by plmted

[Cinnamonstix]

Remember that part of the brother's allure is that he is forbidden fruit.

 

Here's a mental trick to try: imagine you have been dating your bf's brother all along and your current bf is the guy who is off limits to you. Think about what it would be like getting to know him and the chemistry you share with your bf hanging around. You'd likely be longing and crushing on this untouchable man.

 

Sometimes you need to remind yourself how drawn you were to your current partner when you first met and keep that in the back of your mind. It will reinvigorate your feelings for him and quell feelings for others. I know you do not plan to act on your feelings, but actually being in a relationship with someone often does live up to the fantasy anyway.

[stillafool]

One thing that will help is to invite the brother's love interest to come over to dinner with him. If he doesn't have a gf find him one. The next time the lil bro comes over leave him alone with his brother and you go and do something else. Stay away from him.

[plmted]

Remember that part of the brother's allure is that he is forbidden fruit.

 

There's a lot of truth to that. That and a lot of curiosity, at the end of the day. When I think of my bf, tho, my heart overflows with love for the man, and I need to stay in that space.

 

stillafool, the bro is single. Def, supporting him in finding a girl is a good move.

Edited May 6, 2016 by plmted