Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

Hi,

 

I am not looking for anyone to pass harsh judgement on me because I already know what I am involved with isn't morally right but I can't help it.

 

I met a man last year through work (Jamie) who at first I just saw as a client. We had a lot of business relations and once everything was over and closed we still continued to stay in contact. It was always platonic at this point. Jamie introduced me to his wife and I had brought my boyfriend at the time (Kevin) along as well. We were soon hanging out as couples, having BBQ's and being friends.

 

It wasn't long until I noticed how terrible his wife treated him. She constantly talked down to him and made him feel (and look) stupid. She is condescending and mean if everything is not her way. At first I tried to ignore it, but even Kevin started making comments to me after we'd leave. It started to really bother me so we hung out with them less and less. She was terribly mean. I couldn't understand why he was with her.

 

Eventually Jamie just came out and asked me why Kev and I always seemed to be busy and I was honest. I told him how I (we) felt. He said she wasn't always that way and she had been through a lot.

This is where we started to become close. He started confiding in me about everything in his life. At first I would tell Kev, but after a couple months he started to get annoyed that I was Jamie's ear. It caused a lot of tension between us but yet I couldn't just let Jamie go...

 

It's now been a year of this, Jamie and I are in an emotional affair behind his wife's back and Kevin and I broke up two months ago. Kevin knew there was something going on but he could never prove it.

Jamie and I are on the verge of being physical. His wife is a hateful, tortuous person. I know this first hand I have seen it.

He does want to leave his wife but he is afraid. I love him and I can't just walk away knowing what he lives with each day....

Edited May 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Girlfromcali]

So...good for you, I guess?

[carhill]

Been around this stuff a fair amount.....

 

1. Where do you want this to go? What's your goal?

 

2. Any experience? Past PA's or EA's.

 

3. How good are you at compartmentalizing?

 

4. Have you been married?

 

5. General age range? No need to be precise , e.g. 'we're in our 30's and he's about five years older'.

 

6. Any children involved?

 

One tip, actually a two-parter. Don't believe anything you hear that you can't verify and take what you see with a grain of salt. No one outside the M knows what's really going on inside the M.

[2016forme]

Hi,

 

I am not looking for anyone to pass harsh judgement on me because I already know what I am involved with isn't morally right but I can't help it.

 

I met a man last year through work (Jamie) who at first I just saw as a client. We had a lot of business relations and once everything was over and closed we still continued to stay in contact. It was always platonic at this point. Jamie introduced me to his wife and I had brought my boyfriend at the time (Kevin) along as well. We were soon hanging out as couples, having BBQ's and being friends.

 

It wasn't long until I noticed how terrible his wife treated him. She constantly talked down to him and made him feel (and look) stupid. She is condescending and mean if everything is not her way. At first I tried to ignore it, but even Kevin started making comments to me after we'd leave. It started to really bother me so we hung out with them less and less. She was terribly mean. I couldn't understand why he was with her.

 

Eventually Jamie just came out and asked me why Kev and I always seemed to be busy and I was honest. I told him how I (we) felt. He said she wasn't always that way and she had been through a lot.

This is where we started to become close. He started confiding in me about everything in his life. At first I would tell Kev, but after a couple months he started to get annoyed that I was Jamie's ear. It caused a lot of tension between us but yet I couldn't just let Jamie go...

 

It's now been a year of this, Jamie and I are in an emotional affair behind his wife's back and Kevin and I broke up two months ago. Kevin knew there was something going on but he could never prove it.

Jamie and I are on the verge of being physical. His wife is a hateful, tortuous person. I know this first hand I have seen it.

He does want to leave his wife but he is afraid. I love him and I can't just walk away knowing what he lives with each day....

 

Dear pink sunset,

 

You need to break away from your MM and yes you can help it!

 

You got caught up in having an emotional affair with a MM! Big mistake!

 

You have to accept that your man is MARRIED no matter how"horrible" his wife treats him!

 

You are not married to your MM! So don't even think about using your MM's horrible treatment from his wife as an "excuse" to have an emotional and now turned physical affair with your MM!

 

Are you a fly on the wall?

 

Do you ever go to your MM's home?

 

Do you realistically see how your MM is getting along with his wife?

 

Are you like seriously aware that you are causing drama, deception and betrayal fooling around with someone's husband?

 

You are trying to make your MM's relationship with his wife your very own personal business! You don't call the shots and tell your MM'S wife how she should treat her husband!

 

I'm not saying that your MM deserves whatever treatment!

 

But you need to stop justifying your illicit relationship with your MM by using his "horrible treatment from his wife" as an excuse!

 

When it's all said and done, your MM will still be there with his wife no matter what!

 

You cannot judge and say how and why your MM's wife is treating your MM!

 

You want to come to his rescue cause you feel that you have all the right moves and that you can treat your MM better than his wife treats him!

 

You and your boyfriend broke up cause you are convinced that you can make this relationship with your MM work! Your boyfriend could not handle you clinging on to a MM!

 

Stay out of the mix with your MM cause you don't know what flavor is!

 

You just want to"test the waters to see how far you can go...".

 

You have no idea what mess you are winding yourself into!

 

Don't make your MM's marriage your own!

Edited May 4, 2016 by 2016forme

[Lady Hamilton]

So... What's your goal/question/need?

 

A lot of affairs start this way. Mine pretty much started this way.

 

Are you looking for testimonials or justification, or simply just throwing it out there?

[MsJayne]

Yep, OK, I won't pass harsh judgement on you, but I will on Jamie. He's too spineless to speak to his wife about their problems so he moans about her to another woman. OK, so you've socialised with her and you know she's not nice, but think about this; she knows Jamie a lot better than you do, she lives with him, and at some stage they were happily married. If she speaks down to him, has no respect for him, maybe his personality brings out that ugliness in her. Would you respect a partner who was too gutless to discuss things with you and instead went sneaking around bitching and backstabbing to another woman? Because this is what he's doing, and also he's dragging you into their marriage. You only want what's not yours because it's a challenge, you need to extricate yourself before it turns into a clichéd soap opera. If you have genuine feelings for him, tell him to sort out his stuff and then come back and resume your relationship on honest terms.

[PinkSunset]

Been around this stuff a fair amount.....

 

1. Where do you want this to go? What's your goal?

I would like to be there for him while he goes through his separation and divorce. I would like to be with him without hiding

2. Any experience? Past PA's or EA's.

No, for either of us.

 

3. How good are you at compartmentalizing?

Terrible at it

 

4. Have you been married?

No

 

5. General age range? No need to be precise , e.g. 'we're in our 30's and he's about five years older'.

I am 34, he is 38

 

6. Any children involved?

He has one son

 

 

 

Also, I believe what he tells me is true.

Edited May 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[PinkSunset]

2016 - you have very valid points.

 

I will explain more once I get home.

[burnt]

He does want to leave his wife but he is afraid. I love him and I can't just walk away knowing what he lives with each day....

 

He is not a child. He is a grown man. He is capable of walking out the door if that's what he wanted.

 

He has a child with his wife. What are the chances that he will walk away from his child? (To answer this question, please read through a few posts in the OW/OM forum to get an idea). The answer is: he won't be able to handle the guilt of abandoning his son for his mistress.

 

No matter how you view his wife's treatment towards him, it's a dynamic he is living in and has chosen to stay in.

 

I get it--you love him and you want to help him. The problem is it's YOU who will feel used by him when he finally breaks off the affair after having enough.

 

If he leaves his wife, he has to do it on his own. You cannot be his crutch while he figures out how to act like a man.

[Poppy47]

Maybe you should ask yourself why his wife is so horrible.

 

She might have very good reasons.

 

Poppy.

[noelle303]

You can't be his reason and purpose to leave this marriage. If he really is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship he needs to find the strenght and self-confidence to do what is best for himself, regardless of whether he'll end up single or with you.

 

It's not good for you to be his therapist and the one pushing him and it's not helping him in the long run either to use you as his crutch.

 

I advise you to suggest him some counseling and to talk to a lawyer. Meanwhile, you should step back and offer him friendly support during that time. If, after his divorce, you two decide to enter a relationship with a fresh start, that is fine, but entering a physical affair at this moment will only complicate things for both of you and that is when you two will probably never have a chance of lasting.

 

He can't fix his life through you and you can't save him. He needs to do that on his own and get himself to a place where he is actually capable of having a healthy, normal relationship with someone.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't quite understand why his wife's meanness towards him somehow gives you 'permission' to be in an emotional affair with him?

 

Are you saying that if she'd been sweet and kind, you wouldn't have felt justified in getting involved with him?

 

Sorry, I'm confused.

[Friskyone4u]

Pink,

 

No one is judging you, but seems like you are just looking for "approval" and "congratulations" for your decision to "save" the MM from his evil wife.

 

If you stay on here long enough you will see that no matter what he is telling you, no matter how much of it is the truth, or no matter how you convince yourself what a great idea this is, the ODDS of a happy outcome for you are not very great.

 

None of us will be affected by this affair you are about to enter into, but you will most likely wind up sitting home on Holidays alone, watching TV waiting for him to sneak over for sex, avoiding any meaningful relationships with eligible men, and back here pining about your horrible situation.

 

I know you think your MM is unique. So does everyone else, but it rarely turns out that way.

 

So if all of that sounds like a great future for you, proceed full speed ahead. No one here is going to say anything that will or should stop you if that is what you want to do. I just do not think you will get a lot of encouragement telling you what a great future this relationship has for you.

[loveisanaction]

No, don't even go there hon.

 

You're throwing shade at his wife to ease your conscience because you're getting ready to sleep with her husband.

 

He married her so she must not have been that bad, he even defended her saying that she's been through a lot.

 

Throughout your post you went on and on about how bad his wife treats him. You're using that as your justification to have sex with her husband.

 

She treats him badly so it should be okay for me to sleep with her husband right?......Wrong!!!

Edited May 5, 2016 by loveisanaction

[elaine567]

He does want to leave his wife but he is afraid.

 

I would like to be there for him while he goes through his separation and divorce.

 

Has he ever actually seriously mentioned leaving his wife and child? Mentioned moving out? A timescale?

Has he made plans about where he would live? Sussed out apartments/rental properties? Seen a lawyer about his divorce? Mentioned selling the family home?

Thought about where his kid would live? Surely he cannot bail and leave the kid with the harridan of a wife?

[PinkSunset]

I am not using the way his wife treats him as an excuse for the behavior. I am just saying that it is how all of this started.

He is afraid because he knows if he divorces her he won't see his son. Her family comes from a lot of money and she has already threatened him on previous occasions that if he ever stepped out on her he would lose his son forever.

They were once happy yes, she was pregnant with their second child and was in an accident and miscarried and he said since then she has never been the same. He was sick at the time and she ended up having to do some errands for him and blames him for it all. She can no longer have children.

 

Jamie has told me he would like to be with me and live happily and care free. He has no timeline of when he would like to leave. We haven't discussed much of that yet. He goes to the "gym" several times a week but really he is coming to my house. We talk and cuddle and laugh. I am his escape.

 

I don't agree he is using me. He feels as if he has no one else to talk to. His parents are on the other side of the country and are old. His brother is in the army.

I realize this has affected my life negatively regarding Kevin. I do miss him a lot. He was really good to me and in the end I didn't deserve him. Before he left, he said he was going to tell Jamie's wife that he suspected something. I don't know if he ever did but nothing came of it.

 

I do see them together once in a while. She will invite me over for dinner and has asked me a few times if I would like to go shopping or to yoga with her. Sometimes I feel horrible but she says Jamie is lazy and does nothing. She is a liar.

 

I guess I am here posting because I am at a crossroads. I can pursue this and hope Jamie leaves his wife or i can try to move on and maybe try to get Kevin back. I love Jamie so much though. I just want him to be free.

[PinkSunset]

I don't quite understand why his wife's meanness towards him somehow gives you 'permission' to be in an emotional affair with him?

 

Are you saying that if she'd been sweet and kind, you wouldn't have felt justified in getting involved with him?

 

Sorry, I'm confused.

 

Honestly I think if she were nice and kind they wouldn't be in this situation with her husband trying to seek an emotional connection with someone else.

If she were nice and kind I wouldn't be in this situation I don't think. I think because I can understand where he's coming from that I sympathize.

 

Jamie is a good looking, hard working man. He does everything he can for his wife and son. None of it is appreciated by her.

He bought her a 6 thousand dollar necklace and she told him she didn't like it and to take it back and try again. How hurtful.

She grew up with money and still gets trust from her father as far as I know. She works part time for a firm and spends her other time doing whatever she does.

Jamie says she is a good mom but he is worried that now his son is getting older he will see how much she criticizes Jamie and doesn't want him growing up with it.

[carhill]

If he feels his spouse and her family own him, then I doubt anything on that front will change.

 

IMO, based on what you've posted, the healthiest move at your age, depending of course on your life goals and respecting that you are 34, would be to accept this man's milieu as authentic and look to a completely new man for your romantic aspirations. Why? This married man is unavailable and your former BF knows what you did/are doing and disapproved. With billions in the world, IMO healthier to let them both go and break new relationship ground. If you can detach from the married man, meaning be a friend of the marriage and not become emotionally involved, that's an adjunct path. In my experience with MW's, which continues, that's key. No romantic attachment and being a friend of the marriage. Also, boundaries, as necessitated by being a friend of the marriage.

 

I expect this will not be a path you'll follow. I've shared it because I walked that path for over two decades so know it well, the good, bad and ugly. If you're lousy at compartmentalizing, and I am, or was, it'll chew you up.

 

Of course, hearing about it is one thing. Living it probably is the best teacher. It'll work out, one way or another. My way of working it out was to end associations of an intimate sort with women entirely. Got divorced and live alone and any contact is now unattached. Your path will be your own and I expect it to be far less solitary because that's how it goes for women. Best wishes for health, no matter what you choose.

[ChickiePops]

So...she's a 'bad person' because she suffered a horrific trauma that she clearly has not dealt with emotionally yet and her husband decided that the best way to deal with it is to abandon her emotionally and go sleep with someone less complicated. Wow..you picked a real winner there. You'd better hope nothing bad ever happens to you.

 

At most, perhaps there was brain damage during the accident that caused a personality shift..at best, she's clearly suffering from severe PTSD. What has this 'man' done to help her?

 

Also, I don't know where you live but as far as I can tell, in most places, one parent cannot legally take a child away from a non-abusive parent..has your boy even bothered to do any research on this or is he just using it as an excuse to stay put? That's one of the oldest and most common cheater excuses in the book.

[loveisanaction]

I guess I am here posting because I am at a crossroads. I can pursue this and hope Jamie leaves his wife or i can try to move on and maybe try to get Kevin back. I love Jamie so much though. I just want him to be free.

 

 

The woman lost her baby in a car accident, she is grieving, her husband should be supporting her not thinking of cheating on her.

 

His wife has already said that if he *steps out* on her that she would make sure that he never sees his son again; well he's about to do just that, so i guess he's not that afraid of losing his son.

 

As for your last statement, it is not for you to *set Jamie free* (he's married, not in prison), he is not a child, nor is he crippled or handicapped. If he wants to be *set free* i'm sure he's quite capable of doing that himself.

 

Also, you say 'I can pursue this and hope Jamie leaves his wife'. How on earth can you hope that Jamie leaves his wife (who is probably still grieving over the loss of her baby) for you?

 

In what world is that okay?

[carhill]

Wealth can pretty much buy anything it wants in America, of course presuming this situation is in America, including judges and justice. Add in that the woman is apparently wealthy and the current legal system and, well, heh. Throw enough money and lawyers at the deal and they'll be whistling dixie on cue. In any event, not this person's problem. That's the key thing about getting emotionally involved in the relationships of others. It's generally a waste of time.

[noelle303]

 

Also, I don't know where you live but as far as I can tell, in most places, one parent cannot legally take a child away from a non-abusive parent..has your boy even bothered to do any research on this or is he just using it as an excuse to stay put? That's one of the oldest and most common cheater excuses in the book.

 

This is very true. While I'm not saying she hasn't threatened him with this, he should be smart enough to know that it's an empty threat. No matter how much money or power she has, there is no way he can be denied custody or visitation if he is the legal father and is not abusive/addictes to substances. Suggest him to go see a family law attorney to get better insight into these things.

[PinkSunset]

So...she's a 'bad person' because she suffered a horrific trauma that she clearly has not dealt with emotionally yet and her husband decided that the best way to deal with it is to abandon her emotionally and go sleep with someone less complicated. Wow..you picked a real winner there. You'd better hope nothing bad ever happens to you.

 

At most, perhaps there was brain damage during the accident that caused a personality shift..at best, she's clearly suffering from severe PTSD. What has this 'man' done to help her?

 

Also, I don't know where you live but as far as I can tell, in most places, one parent cannot legally take a child away from a non-abusive parent..has your boy even bothered to do any research on this or is he just using it as an excuse to stay put? That's one of the oldest and most common cheater excuses in the book.

 

It happened 5 years ago. She was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a while as far as I know. He is a very sweet and intelligent kind person, he tried his best to be there for her and do everything he could. This took years and years of being treated like crap before I ever came into his life. It's not like this trauma happened yesterday.

 

carhill - Jamie said the exact words that her family owns him. I told him he should just take his son and walk out. Or tell her to leave. I don't think the courts will allow her to just take his son away, I think he is more worried of the poison she will fill his little head with. I feel like I am already emotionally invested.

[elaine567]

She grew up with money and still gets trust from her father as far as I know. She works part time for a firm and spends her other time doing whatever she does.

 

So the wife is moneyed, and would use her wealth to stop him seeing his kid if he stepped out of line.

I am sorry but he is never going to leave here. He knows where his bread is buttered, PLUS he will feel tremendous guilt for the loss of their child, so he "owes" her, AND she has him by the short and curlies over his right to see his son.

However, if he can get some "extra" on the side so much the better... and that is where you come in.

 

NO matter the rights and wrongs of what you are doing, we are here to try to point YOU in the right direction and all I see for YOU here is hurt and disappointment, if you are determined to stay on the Jamie crusade.

 

Try to make it up with Kevin or go find some other man, is my advice if you want a happy life.

This "afraid" man will never pluck up the courage to leave.

Never.

He has too much to lose.

[PinkSunset]

This is very true. While I'm not saying she hasn't threatened him with this, he should be smart enough to know that it's an empty threat. No matter how much money or power she has, there is no way he can be denied custody or visitation if he is the legal father and is not abusive/addictes to substances. Suggest him to go see a family law attorney to get better insight into these things.

 

If anyone is abusive it's her. He hasn't seen a personal lawyer but I did refer him to someone I trust. He hasn't seen him yet though.

 

So the wife is moneyed, and would use her wealth to stop him seeing his kid if he stepped out of line.

I am sorry but he is never going to leave here. He knows where his bread is buttered, PLUS he will feel tremendous guilt for the loss of their child, so he "owes" her, AND she has him by the short and curlies over his right to see his son.

However, if he can get some "extra" on the side so much the better... and that is where you come in.

 

NO matter the rights and wrongs of what you are doing, we are here to try to point YOU in the right direction and all I see for YOU here is hurt and disappointment, if you are determined to stay on the Jamie crusade.

 

Try to make it up with Kevin or go find some other man, is my advice if you want a happy life.

This "afraid" man will never pluck up the courage to leave.

Never.

He has too much to lose.

 

The wealth is what scares me. If she found out the things he's told me I can only imagine what hell she would make his life and probably mine too.

 

Maybe you are all right that I should just walk away. I am struggling with leaving him alone in his thoughts and no where to vent. We haven't slept together, it's not like he is coming for a "piece" on the side... at least not yet. We had decided against this as it will complicate things more. It is getting intense though and I am losing my willpower.

 

I don't know if Kevin would take me back. I tried to call him last night and he didn't answer and hasn't called back as of yet. I don't even know what I would say to him. Jamie is afraid if I start talking to Kevin again I will leave him.

He is supposed to come over tonight and I had planned on sleeping with him