Emotional Affair

[stilltrying16]

For some reason I managed to skip a page of posts and didn't read your full email exchange with him. You sounded really shaken yesterday. I'm so sorry and I hope you are better. He seemed manipulative and selfish all along, but even so, his emails to you truly crossed a line. They were shocking.

 

This man doesn't take kindly to being crossed. He seems to lack basic empathy. You did right to distance yourself in that last email/text you sent him. He'll probably send you a note in which he grovels to you and threatens you in the same breath. Kind of what he did when he talked of "blowing" up your world. What a pathetic selfish bully. He doesn't deserve you. NC all the way!

 

Sending you strength.

Edited May 7, 2016 by stilltrying16

[elaine567]

Im not arguing with you about what needs to be done im sorry ….

 

Apology on the surface, but shutting you down too. Do not speak to me about this.

 

I have to do it the right way without her knowing or it will end bad for all of us and I cant do it to my son….

I am not going to leave, it is just too hard, I have my son to consider.

 

I just want to know what has changed in the last few days you haven’t been yourself. …

Conciliatory attempt, as he just realised he probably let the cat out of the bag, so he needs to be nice but slightly condescending at the same time. YOU are not the same person, I am used to hearing from, you must be ill or crazy or something?????

 

You refused to see me last night

Accusatory

...you know I look forward to it every Thursday and I thought you did to?

Tempered the accusatory part with a bit of self pity and victimhood, but back to the accusations with "I thought you did too." (Are you lying to me?)

 

I know the situation isn’t ideal and I will work on it I promise you….

Conciliatory attempt again, so which one is it?

He cant leave his son or tell his wife, but he is going to be with you at the same time... we know what that means.

 

Please tell me what it is ….

Did you meet someone, is it your ex?

Accusatory and demanding, an attempt to shift the blame onto you and take the focus off him and his marriage.

My mind is racing ….i have not lied to you about anything

OK, so he IS staying for his son and his wife must never know.

 

I love you remember that

The only part that matters to you, I guess... he knows he overstepped the mark with the accusations, so an attempt to appease.

 

I am not letting you go

Not the same thing as I am leaving my wife and child for you.

 

And as for this...

I haven’t changed a thing and I have done everything I said I was and done everything you ever asked me to so what is the issue here? I do want to leave I have for years this is not new to you or me you know my circumstance you know where I am at in life and you know how she is to live with you somehow think I am staying because I want to? I stay because of micah are you asking me to disrupt my sons world? Ok add, ill blow up his world and blow up yours and mine and joes in the process and I wont worry about anyone else but you since you the only one here that apparently matters

Speechless.

[stilltrying16]

That was so great, Elaine! If it weren't so sad, I would be laughing- takes a close reading to see how pathetic he is.

 

And as for his desire to "do it (leave)the right way, without her knowing"- as Shattered Lady asked, was he planning to divorce BW without her catching on?

Edited May 7, 2016 by stilltrying16

[privategal]

Should this man and his childs name be used here?

[elaine567]

Should this man and his childs name be used here?

I am guessing/assuming it is not his real name nor that of his son.

[lemondrop21]

This man sounds like he is spinning out of control, with some real anger issues. If his marriage were to actually end, it sounds like he would then resent you for having encouraged him to "blow up" his son and wife's worlds.

 

As so many have said, there are very few affair relationships that go on to be successful "real" relationships, but it seems that when it does happen, it's typically because the marriage was over anyway and the affair was the final push out the door. This man clearly feels a strong sense of obligation towards maintaining his marriage, at least for his child's sake, so regardless of how good or bad it is, it's not over.

 

All the best of luck to you and please look after yourself.

[SomethingToSay]

It serves him very well to have this narrative that he is trapped in his marriage with no way out.

 

The fact is, he is employed in a professional job and presumably is a fit father. He would be fine and most likely have 50/50 custody if he wanted it. She has a job and money so likely he wouldnt be paying out the ass.

 

People leave in far worse circumstances all the time.

 

People choose to divorce when their desire to not be with their spouse exceeds their desire to see their child every day.

 

He clearly isnt at that point.

[ShatteredLady]

This is one of those situations where I really hope he is NOT the exception! If he does divorce the poor OP could get stuck with this very damaged child of a man. I can see her saying "but he left his broken wife, turned his world upside down. I can't ever dump him!"....."but he's bullying & controlling me with guilt whenever he doesn't get exactly his way. I can't ever cross him!".

[PinkSunset]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

Quick update that no I have not spoken to Jamie. I know he has probably sent me several emails but I can be very stubborn and that is what is helping me to not log in to it and read it.

 

Last night and again tonight I find myself trying to cover up my pain and confusion with alcohol. Not a good thing I know but at this point I have nothing else to go to. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, I just needed something, anything...

 

To address Kevin - he is everything you all say he is. He was and is a great guy and someone I didn't deserve at the end. The last thing he texted me was that he hoped I found whatever it was I was searching for.

I did try to call him a few days ago but he never returned my call. I don't want to bother him, not now anyway. I'm not in any state to even try to get him back and I wouldn't want him to see me so upset about MM.

 

MM was happy I broke up with Kevin because at the time I kept complaining we always fought and he was a source of stress for me. He said he was happy that I could finally breathe. But yet I feel now I am suffocating more than ever.

 

You have all given me a lot to think about and some of it is so very true and hard to read. I am going to see what kind of emails and messages I come back to tomorrow night and go from there... Also I hope he plans on keeping and going to his appointment. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt because this is the first I've ever pressured him for divorce and the first I've ever asked him to give me dates and the first time I've really even stuck up for my heart and feelings I guess. I don't like the reactions I am getting by doing so either, not the guy I fell for.

[anika99]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

Quick update that no I have not spoken to Jamie. I know he has probably sent me several emails but I can be very stubborn and that is what is helping me to not log in to it and read it.

 

Last night and again tonight I find myself trying to cover up my pain and confusion with alcohol. Not a good thing I know but at this point I have nothing else to go to. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, I just needed something, anything...

 

To address Kevin - he is everything you all say he is. He was and is a great guy and someone I didn't deserve at the end. The last thing he texted me was that he hoped I found whatever it was I was searching for.

I did try to call him a few days ago but he never returned my call. I don't want to bother him, not now anyway. I'm not in any state to even try to get him back and I wouldn't want him to see me so upset about MM.

 

MM was happy I broke up with Kevin because at the time I kept complaining we always fought and he was a source of stress for me. He said he was happy that I could finally breathe. But yet I feel now I am suffocating more than ever.

You have all given me a lot to think about and some of it is so very true and hard to read. I am going to see what kind of emails and messages I come back to tomorrow night and go from there... Also I hope he plans on keeping and going to his appointment. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt because this is the first I've ever pressured him for divorce and the first I've ever asked him to give me dates and the first time I've really even stuck up for my heart and feelings I guess. I don't like the reactions I am getting by doing so either, not the guy I fell for.

 

This is very interesting. You say Kevin is a great guy but all you did was complain about him to your MM which lead your MM to believe that Kevin was actually awful and making you miserable. The arguing probably was pretty unbearable but it was being caused by the affair and your dishonesty, yet both you and the MM blamed Kevin for your unhappiness. Do you think perhaps this is also true for the MM and his wife? That you and he have ganged up on the

BW and made her the villain in his marriage while in fact he is causing a good deal of their strife? He is cheating on her and he conflict avoids and does not give straight answers as evidenced by his emails to you, where he simultaneously said he's leaving but he can't leave. This kind of avoiding and double speak must be downright crazy making to his wife and probably leads to her pushing him to talk and make sense. Then he accuses her of starting arguments, runs to you to complain about how miserable she makes him and then you both agree that she is the cause of his unhappiness...just like the two of you blamed good ole Kevin. Is that possible?

[SomethingToSay]

When you review Jamies emails, and speak heretofore, pay attention to what he ISNT saying. He can tell you the most loving, moving things in the world. But what good is it if he isnt also saying: Here is my plan for divorce. (And really, even then you cant rest easy until its actually done).

 

I truly do think what he means by "I promise I will work on it" is "I promise I will work on making you feel like Im heading for divorce so you feel less like an OW". Bc oddly enough, in the same emails he also says he simply cant blow up his sons world ie leave the marriage

 

Actions are what counts, not words.

 

Jamie saying his happiness about you breaking up with Kevin was bc the relationship caused you strife and unhappiness? Really?? Cmon. He was happy bc it opened the door for you to be his. You must stop believing every word he utters to be necessarily 100% authentic.

Edited May 8, 2016 by SomethingToSay

[S2B]

When I read his email - I see it as the MM trying to bully and guilt you into expecting nothing from him.

[loveisanaction]

To address Kevin - he is everything you all say he is. He was and is a great guy and someone I didn't deserve at the end. The last thing he texted me was that he hoped I found whatever it was I was searching for.

I did try to call him a few days ago but he never returned my call. I don't want to bother him, not now anyway. I'm not in any state to even try to get him back and I wouldn't want him to see me so upset about MM.

.

 

 

You say you are not in any state to try to get Kevin back because you don't want him to see how upset you are about your married man. I would have thought it was would have been because it would have broken your heart to see the pain you caused him. If you're calling Kevin it's because things with your married man are not so great right now, if things with your married man were going fantastic, Kevin would be history. So, essentially, he's your back-up.

 

Kevin’s instincts told him that something was up between you and your married man, he never had any proof but his gut told him and he was right.

 

Even if Kevin had picked up his phone and had given you another chance the moment your married man is divorced you would dump him again because that’s where your heart lies. The kindest thing you can do for him is to leave him alone.

[georgia girl]

You say you are not in any state to try to get Kevin back because you don't want him to see how upset you are about your married man. I would have thought it was would have been because it would have broken your heart to see the pain you caused him. If you're calling Kevin it's because things with your married man are not so great right now, if things with your married man were going fantastic, Kevin would be history. So, essentially, he's your back-up.

 

Kevin’s instincts told him that something was up between you and your married man, he never had any proof but his gut told him and he was right.

 

Even if Kevin had picked up his phone and had given you another chance the moment your married man is divorced you would dump him again because that’s where your heart lies. The kindest thing you can do for him is to leave him alone.

 

Agreed. Kevin is by far the better man and would have been a catch for you. But you didn't value him and threw that away for Jamie. It's unfortunate but you can't really go back there. He deserves someone's whole heart. Sadly, he is probably thinking he had a lucky escape and has moved on.

 

Pink Sunset, it's time for you to move on, too. Jamie is a hot mess. You need someone who picks you and someone you don't have to convince or be patient for for them to honor your relationship. Learn all of the painful lessons from this and move on. You will have happier days once you are shod of him.

[dubliner]

Pinksunset, reading his emails I have to agree with what Elaine has posted, and I'll eat my hat if this man ever goes through with the divorce.

He has told you all you need to know here, he feels YOU are pushing him to divorce, to blow his child's world apart, for this is something he wouldn't do himself.

 

I've heard this from the CM I was involved with, (and I had known him for many years previously) the 'you are all I want' 'I need to do it in my own time' 'I can't turn my children's lives upside down' 'I need to get through this with as little drama as possible' . It all means he is where he will stay. The CM I know wasn't married, but their relationship is toxic, he told her it was over blah blah but 4/5 years of 'you are what I want' and guess where he is? Still in exactly the same toxic relationship he was when it all started.

It's all hope hope hope, feeding you more hope to keep you in there with them, to stop you waking up to the truth that they are at a fixed point, neither moving forward nor back and they want you to join them. 5 years from now you could well be still exactly here like 'groundhog day' if you don't cut loose.

Edited May 8, 2016 by dubliner

[PinkSunset]

I wouldn't go back to Kevin because it didn't work out with MM. I would go back because I know I royally screwed up and I would do everything I could to make it up to him.

However, I think if I was truly in love with Kevin there never would have been room for me to allow Jamie IN. I mean it was a slow creep and the feelings came more so when Kev and I started fighting.

The fighting was mutual. He was there for Jamie at first too, he would come to our place and get advice from the both of us. I think Kevin just got to the point where he felt Jamie didn't take his advice... Work it out with her, go to therapy again, buy her flowers, be a MAN. He dropped his sympathy act and I remember at one point Kevin saying that Jamie was just doing it to get somewhere with ME. I didn't see it, I said... He's married, he knows I am with you, give it up! Maybe he was right. Once that started, I started deleting texts just to avoid the argument.

I still don't see it as Jamie trying to steal me away, I truly don't.

Also I want to say that Kevin is a man's man. Hard working, works with his hands, rough and tumble. I wouldn't say he is emotionless but lets just say I've never seen him cry. Jamie is the opposite. Full of emotion. I think that brought me to him. I connected.

 

I still have yet to login to my emails, I have a terrible hangover and all I've got on my phone is 3 missed calls. I don't think that's too bad.

[PinkSunset]

I agree his emails sound like he is putting it on me for him to divorce... I don't want him to leave because of me. I am worried that you might be right he will blame me for all of it once he leaves and his life isn't what he thought.

 

We all know the grass isn't greener and I don't want to be caught up in that. I'm too good for that.

 

Maybe I should just end it.... Let him contact me once he is separated and living alone. That WOULD be the right thing to do. Why is it so hard? Just the thought of that tears me apart.

 

Also - someone pointed out that his wife has never been rude to me or Kevin and that is very true. It is just directed toward Jamie, so it can't just be her personality. I had never thought of that before. I was always so blinded by what was going on in Jamie's head that I looked at her like the devil. She may have been rude to him in front of us but I think after the last emails I received from MM... Maybe there is a side I don't know of. I'm SO blind.

Edited May 8, 2016 by PinkSunset

[SomethingToSay]

Yes you were blind. But you have made great strides in seeing this for what it truly is.

 

Hamie however is not blind. He knows the real situation with his marriage and you.

 

He has been basically taking advantage of your naivity. Perhaps even manipulating and yes even lying.

 

The side you saw of him in the emails Friday -- the blameshifting and guilting and contradictions -- that is Jamie exposed for his true self

[PinkSunset]

Jamie told his wife he wants a divorce over the weekend. They had a massive fight and it included her throwing things and threatening him again.

 

I read on another thread that a MM recorded his abusive wife. I think this might be a good idea as his wife said she will call the police and say he is abusive toward her and their son. Does this kind of stuff hold up in court?

 

He and I had an argument again today as well. I asked him if he smoothed it over with his wife the next day after their fight, because I know he is the type to apologize for his behavior. Especially because he was inebriated at the time.

 

He says I am being cold and unreasonable toward his situation and thinks I should spend a few more days taking "some space". Now he won't answer me.

His lawyer appointment is tomorrow and at this point I have no idea if he is going, if he apologized to her or anything. I'm in the dark right now and it's my own fault for being such a B about everything.

[elaine567]

Jamie told his wife he wants a divorce over the weekend. They had a massive fight and it included her throwing things and threatening him again.

 

I read on another thread that a MM recorded his abusive wife. I think this might be a good idea as his wife said she will call the police and say he is abusive toward her and their son. Does this kind of stuff hold up in court?

 

He and I had an argument again today as well. I asked him if he smoothed it over with his wife the next day after their fight, because I know he is the type to apologize for his behavior. Especially because he was inebriated at the time.

 

He says I am being cold and unreasonable toward his situation and thinks I should spend a few more days taking "some space". Now he won't answer me.

His lawyer appointment is tomorrow and at this point I have no idea if he is going, if he apologized to her or anything. I'm in the dark right now and it's my own fault for being such a B about everything.

 

You were not being a "B about everything", you merely said you were not prepared to put up with things the way they were, which in the scheme of things was the sensible thing to do.

He is now blaming and ostracising you, I guess to try to change your mind and let him off the hook. He can then go back to his wife and apologise, or as you suspect he may have done that already and the silent treatment is to get you back in line..

Does he get drunk a lot?

That poor kid...

[stilltrying16]

I completely agree with Elaine. It seems as though a lot of things happened today. I would be torn every which way and going back and forth on every thing I wrote or said to him. It would be especially hard to get perspective.

 

PinkSunset, if you reread his email to you and then think about the words he used today, do you really think anything you said was over the top? In what way were you a b? Your email hardly overstepped the bounds. He did keep pushing you and demanding a commitment from you while offering next to nothing himself...I just don't see another way to interpret what he's said to you. You responded with restraint, if anything.

 

If things are about to explode in the marriage and Jamie is really trying to keep you out of it (in pique, or for any other reason), he is accidentally doing the right thing IMO. Anyone who cares about you he would want to protect you from the fallout. You really should not to be involved at this stage at all. This is the advice I've seen over and over again on this forum and others: no matter how committed OW and MM are, she needs to be invisible when an actual break up happens.

 

Sending you good wishes.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[ChickiePops]

Pink, he kept you on the hook for a year with no action. You were NOT a b. You were asking for what you deserve, which is answers.

[ladydesigner]

Jamie told his wife he wants a divorce over the weekend. They had a massive fight and it included her throwing things and threatening him again.

 

I read on another thread that a MM recorded his abusive wife. I think this might be a good idea as his wife said she will call the police and say he is abusive toward her and their son. Does this kind of stuff hold up in court?

 

He and I had an argument again today as well. I asked him if he smoothed it over with his wife the next day after their fight, because I know he is the type to apologize for his behavior. Especially because he was inebriated at the time.

 

He says I am being cold and unreasonable toward his situation and thinks I should spend a few more days taking "some space". Now he won't answer me.

His lawyer appointment is tomorrow and at this point I have no idea if he is going, if he apologized to her or anything. I'm in the dark right now and it's my own fault for being such a B about everything.

 

Well I wouldn't exactly read into this too much, many BS's on Dday throw things. I threw my WH's cell phone at him after I was done reading all his lovely texts between him and his MOW.

 

I became more and more irate at my WH because of his indecisiveness and lying, maybe that is the case with this BS.

Edited May 9, 2016 by ladydesigner

[SomethingToSay]

Youve got this unfortunate habit of stating the events as relayed by Jamie as fact. "He tol her he wanted a divorce and she threw things". The accurate way is "Jamie says he told her. Jamie says massive fight ensued. Jamie says she threw things and threatened him".

 

The fact he wont answer you regarding whether they made up is very telling as is his cold treatment of you now.

 

He is continuing to manipulate you -- look at all the pain youve caused him, look at how hard you are making this, look at how much strife youve caused by daring to require that his actions actually match his words.

 

He was very content as things were. You asking him to choose between his wife and you is messing everything up.

 

Its very clear you should fully back away. Maybe if he actually separates and gets some counseling there could be something between yall in the future. Thats really the best you can hope for. And that would require immediate NC and at least 2 years for him to disentangle himself, and work on his coping mechs, and integrity/honesty, and anger

Edited May 10, 2016 by SomethingToSay

[S2B]

Jamie told his wife he wants a divorce over the weekend. They had a massive fight and it included her throwing things and threatening him again.

 

I read on another thread that a MM recorded his abusive wife. I think this might be a good idea as his wife said she will call the police and say he is abusive toward her and their son. Does this kind of stuff hold up in court?

 

He and I had an argument again today as well. I asked him if he smoothed it over with his wife the next day after their fight, because I know he is the type to apologize for his behavior. Especially because he was inebriated at the time.

 

He says I am being cold and unreasonable toward his situation and thinks I should spend a few more days taking "some space". Now he won't answer me.

His lawyer appointment is tomorrow and at this point I have no idea if he is going, if he apologized to her or anything. I'm in the dark right now and it's my own fault for being such a B about everything.

 

Textbook MM who has no intention of actually divorcing.

 

You see, he was all understanding, sweet and nice to you when you were compliant and silent - expecting nothing from him but empty promises.

 

And now that you want more, have expectations that he's to take action = he's all mad and picks fights with you...that way he can blame you. It's so uncool of him but seriously shows you who he REALLY is.

 

My guess is he never had a Tuesday appt. I'd bet money he never told his wife this weekend he's divorcing her either.

 

He's a coward! A coward to you and a coward to his wife.

 

And now you know - he gets mean and picks fights when you expect him to be decent to you. He's just mean. A selfish self centered MM who wanted extra that would expect nothing and stay silent.

 

I can't see anything attractiv about him since he's acted this way.

 

If it were me - I'd block him from ever contacting me again.

 

What a total jerk.