SoulCat Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 I find it curious that you haven't mentioned anything about your therapy session today, even though posters have asked how it went. Were you maybe told some things you didn't want to hear? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 This is nonsense, how do you know "for sure" he hasn't been intimate with her? Because he tells you... Oof I missed this. Yeah you have no reason to believe anything he says. He is a known liar. This guy really does sound like scum..and if he's truly not sleeping with his wife then I'm sure he's sleeping with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Oh, brother. Staying at a hotel is a bad idea, if that is really what he's doing. Again, this makes no sense. Listen to Judge Judy. She's a smart lady. She also says, "don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining." Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Well, I am here for me, am I not? One would assume you're here for your relationship, which includes you, MM, and since you're planning for a life as his significant other, will now also include his child and his ex-wife. We're hearing a lot about what you want, what you need, the vacations you want to take, how to help you get to where you want to be with the people you want to be with, but not much beyond that. If you're planning a post-affair relationship with the guy, you'd best start thinking long-term, and folding into those thoughts stuff that doesn't center on you. Right now it seems to be all about you and the now. However, you've got to now start thinking about him, the child, and his wife/presumably soon-to-be-ex and your forever. I can only judge and say how Jamie feels to a certain extent and when I have done this everyone on here tells me he is probably lying. I did post a couple of Jamie's emails earlier in the thread which seemingly turned everyone against him. He has since apologized for the way he was... I can say that the number of people on here who will think of him as anything other than an awful person are going to be few and far between. Between the BS's and the jilted OW/OM on here, the riding assumption will be that he's a big, fat, lying jerk. Also, the goal of people here will not be to maintain your relationship with him. So I'd take what you hear and filter it with a grain of salt and a bit of common sense. Could he be lying? Um, yeah. Absolutely. You could be one in a long line of women who's heard this routine from him only to come back here in three months to cry about how you didn't know where it went wrong. Only you know if what he says, thinks, or does is believable and honest and only you can gauge if the potential that he's lying is worth believing he's being he's honest. If she figures out we have been having an A I think it will make his life that much harder and that is why he does not just tell her. YES, he is lying to her. YES he has been lying to her. Well, if you're having a future with him, she'll probably find out. And if she finds out in five years or five minutes will not make the fallout of it any easier. In fact, if she finds out in five years she may even try to take you to court to redo the divorce settlement on the grounds of fraud... Which she may be in her right to do. You'll only save yourself a headache if you don't get caught and really, you're not doing much to avoid being caught. Dealing with the "when" as opposed to the "if" is the way to go now. What you're seemingly not getting is that, as an AP, you're not required to care what she does, thinks, says, how she acts, or anything beyond that. She's an outer factor who's inconsequential to you. However, by being in his life and assuming the role of his primary and public relationship, you're inviting her into your life. You now have to care what she does, thinks, says, how she acts, and all the rest of it. You can't continue to act like she doesn't exist. She is now, and will forever be, a factor in your relationship from now until the day you die. The more you push her out, lie to her, or try to pull one on her, the harder you will make everything. In short: you're sparing yourself no headaches by not telling her something she will inevitably find out. He doesn't want me in the middle of anything and frankly I don't want to be. Him and I taking off for the weekend is bad news. I just told him it's not a good idea and he should spend the weekend looking for a place to live, and not to move until he is sure it won't effect anything with their child. He said he is staying in a hotel for the weekend. Again, you are now, forever, and eternally going to be in the middle of everything. To have you be left out of it, it's just not going to happen. You're going to be in the fray here and the fray is about to be a facet of your relationship. By taking up with him and turning affair into relationship, not being in the middle of everything isn't a choice. You're about to be a former mistress turned partner and possible stepmother. There's no more thinking about just you and how you don't want to be in the middle. It's now everybody... And you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Pinksunset, I know first hand how hard it is to say no to the MM/CM No you can't meet me for coffee No we can't spend time alone together No you can't email/text me when you miss me/are bored etc Unfortunately if you don't enforce these normal boundaries you are enabling him to continue the A Meeting up or going away is only a short term hit, it won't make him see things any more clearly, it won't make him divorce, it's simply temporarily patches, you have your/his emotional needs met for a moment but then it's back to reality, he goes home to W and you go home alone, the emotional high has an opposite low, it's emotional self harm. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and him is to distance yourself as far as possible, he knows how you feel, he knows you want a R with him, he doesn't need YOU to jump through hoops to prove that. Its ok to support him through his D, but you have to know where the line is between support and involvement and keep it clear. The work needs to come from him, and you need to allow him to do that his way, in his own time, his R with his W is HIS issue to deal with. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JulieEverette Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 He's a big boy and perfectly capable of navigating towards getting things to happen in his own life. Agree. Back when I was codependent I never thought people could solve their own problems or deal with consequences on their own. This is a 38 year old professional, successful man. By what you have written he has a social life, is attractive (and I assume his wife is too), is educated and intelligent and according to you very in tune with himself emotionally. (This also is why I find it unbelievable this man has not had sex in 2 years) Why does he "need you to be there for him" through his supposed divorce? He SAYS he doesnt want you in the middle (which Im sure makes your heart flutter at what a great caring guy he is) but his ACTIONS of inviting you to a hotel and continuing contact show completely otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Thanks everyone for your replies. First, he didn't invite me to the hotel. He asked if I had wanted to go away with him somewhere for the weekend and I declined. He then decided he would stay in a hotel, alone. Second, I did go to my therapy session. It was after my last post that's why I didn't mention it. I barely scratched the surface but I gave her the just of what's been going on. The last time I saw her was three years ago and I had just started seeing Kevin. Funny how things can change. Not much has been addressed yet there. I spent 3 hours on the phone with him last night and told him it was time I gave him space to deal with his Divorce. He was upset me with about it, he doesn't want to lose me etc. I feel like he is worried I'm going to find someone else while he is going through all of this which isn't the case... But why else be so upset? I still said I would be there if he needs me. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieEverette Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 And maybe you will find someone else. But if he is truly divorcing bc its best for him and not bc of you, then what difference does it make. Ultimately he is doing this for him bc the marriage is so awful right? Or at least thats the narrative you both want Its very clear he wants a guarantee if he divorces that you will be his landing spot as well as meeting all his needs during the grueling divorce process. But keeping yourself concealed and a secret the while time. I hope you see how this is a raw deal for you and a very comfortable deal for him. Link to post Share on other sites
JulieEverette Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Was he at home during this 3 hr phone call? Did you ask him if his wife moved back to sharing his bed? Or if they have had sex at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Is he in a hotel now Pink? When did he say he was actually getting that divorce filed? I just worry for you - that he may be still future faking - and you will feel really hurt if he continues in the marriage. Why is he so mad? Mad you are looking out for YOUR best interest? He should feel supportive of you IF he plans to actually get divorced. He has his second appointment with the lawyer next week. He is supposed to pay his retainer and work on a separation agreement to serve his wife with. He is hoping that by giving her space this weekend she will somehow accept what's happening and hopefully agree to separate. He said it's not likely she will agree to anything and that she is mostly likely going to drag this out as long as she can. He is checking into the hotel tonight. And maybe you will find someone else. But if he is truly divorcing bc its best for him and not bc of you, then what difference does it make. Ultimately he is doing this for him bc the marriage is so awful right? Or at least thats the narrative you both want Its very clear he wants a guarantee if he divorces that you will be his landing spot as well as meeting all his needs during the grueling divorce process. But keeping yourself concealed and a secret the while time. I hope you see how this is a raw deal for you and a very comfortable deal for him. I agree it sounds like he wants me there as his landing pad, and also it sounds like he is only doing this because of me. Another reason why I am stepping back... I again told him last night to do it for him and being happy in his life, not for me. He said if it wasn't for him falling in love with me and remembering what happy feels like, he doesn't know if he would be doing this. He got used to the way everything was and was accepting that was his life. How sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 Was he at home during this 3 hr phone call? Did you ask him if his wife moved back to sharing his bed? Or if they have had sex at all? He was at his office. Normally he would be with me during this time but I won't see him. I did ask, he said that no way in hell would he have went to her bed that night and that it's been a year since they slept in the same bed or had sex. I guess I was off on the two year assumption... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JulieEverette Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 Its not that sad. Whats sad is children dying of cancer, people who are truly alone, abuse, finding out youve been lied to and betrayed. Those thimgs are sad A successful attractive man with a nice house, young son, financially secure wife and girlfriend on the side. That is not sad You are so consumed with this idea of sad poor helpless Jamie. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 He was at his office. Normally he would be with me during this time but I won't see him. I did ask, he said that no way in hell would he have went to her bed that night and that it's been a year since they slept in the same bed or had sex. I guess I was off on the two year assumption... Pink you've truly got to stop taking everything he tells you as gospel. There is every chance in the world that he's lying about any number of things to you. Once he has divorce papers and his own place, lease signed, that's when it'll be safe to explore a relationship with him. Until then, trust nothing. All you've seen of him so far is that he cheats on his wife. You have no reason at all to trust him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stilltrying16 Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 He has his second appointment with the lawyer next week. He is supposed to pay his retainer and work on a separation agreement to serve his wife with. He is hoping that by giving her space this weekend she will somehow accept what's happening and hopefully agree to separate. He said it's not likely she will agree to anything and that she is mostly likely going to drag this out as long as she can. He is checking into the hotel tonight. I agree it sounds like he wants me there as his landing pad, and also it sounds like he is only doing this because of me. Another reason why I am stepping back... I again told him last night to do it for him and being happy in his life, not for me. He said if it wasn't for him falling in love with me and remembering what happy feels like, he doesn't know if he would be doing this. He got used to the way everything was and was accepting that was his life. How sad. This has to be a hard time for you, Pink. Kudos for staying strong. Please take comfort in the fact that you needed to ask the difficult questions, and you needed to keep a healthy distance at this stage, and you did both. If it's possible, could *you* get out of town this weekend? Do something you love to do and invite a girlfriend to join you. And if you can't get away this weekend, make plans for every single moment. Gym, Netflix, Farmers' Mkt whatever- ordinary daily things. Just a change in pace and focus. Sending you hugs ((((((((((PinkSunset))))))))))! Happy weekend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JulieEverette Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 He is supposed to pay his retainer and work on a separation agreement to serve his wife with Pink I am curious do you live in a state where separation is required before filing for divorce? Or a state where legal separation exists? Or a state like CA where its pretty quick and easy to get a divorce? I guess Im confused why he is serving her with a proposed separation agreement as opposed to filing for divorce? Make sure you educate yourself as to the specific requirements in your state for divorce so that you cant be easily misled about whats happening or not happening or how long its taken. Usually online you can find overviews of specific states laws Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 pink it seems like you are a very good women ,do you like the person you have become since being with jamie is he changing you for the better or do you feel you have lost your true self? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 (edited) Pink I am curious do you live in a state where separation is required before filing for divorce? Or a state where legal separation exists? Or a state like CA where its pretty quick and easy to get a divorce? I guess Im confused why he is serving her with a proposed separation agreement as opposed to filing for divorce? Make sure you educate yourself as to the specific requirements in your state for divorce so that you cant be easily misled about whats happening or not happening or how long its taken. Usually online you can find overviews of specific states laws I live in Canada. You have to be separated for a full year before you can file for divorce. Separation means NOT living together, so he needs to move out as soon as possible to get this going. pink it seems like you are a very good women ,do you like the person you have become since being with jamie is he changing you for the better or do you feel you have lost your true self? I feel like this whole situation has changed me, yes. I don't know for sure if it's a good or a bad change but thank you, I am trying my best to stay a good person. I don't like feeling like I have to sneak around and that is how I've felt almost all along during this. Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed commercial link ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 13, 2016 Author Share Posted May 13, 2016 This has to be a hard time for you, Pink. Kudos for staying strong. Please take comfort in the fact that you needed to ask the difficult questions, and you needed to keep a healthy distance at this stage, and you did both. If it's possible, could *you* get out of town this weekend? Do something you love to do and invite a girlfriend to join you. And if you can't get away this weekend, make plans for every single moment. Gym, Netflix, Farmers' Mkt whatever- ordinary daily things. Just a change in pace and focus. Sending you hugs ((((((((((PinkSunset))))))))))! Happy weekend. I'm going to do everything I can to keep myself occupied. I have a lot of work to do so I might just come into the office and put my head into it. It's hard but I can do it Thank you for the support! Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted May 13, 2016 Share Posted May 13, 2016 (edited) I think you took my tale as an OW success story. It was, for just over a couple of years. My Ex H And his OW found out the butterflies didn't last in real life. They broke up after 3 years. They were just not compatible in real life. Just a cautionary tale, real life Edited May 13, 2016 by SoulCat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneMoreBW Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) I'm so sorry for you. I saw the exact situation MANY times before. You left Kevin in order to make things easier for Jamie. You will be Jamie's OW for years to come because you love him so much. The more you get involved with his problems, the longer you will get stuck with Jamie. He WON'T leave his wife. If he is in such a bad situation with his wife, wait for him to deal with this by himself. Otherwise you will be his OW and this is what he wants. He will settle down and get comfortable with the situation as he wont deal with divorce and have you. This is what you will be: the other women. Don't get involved with this. In 2, 4, 10 years you will realize that your a secret in someone else life, you'll spend beautiful years in a relationship that has a dead end, you will miss the opportunity to have your own family with Kevin or any another single guy. I truly feel sorry for you. Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T Link to post Share on other sites
OneMoreBW Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 He's mad because he had plans to spend time with you having free sex. Wait for his divorce to be a reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 My weekend went surprisingly well besides a few ups and downs I spent most of my time in my office working, trying to keep my mind off of things. I went for a run and ended up hurting my knee so I've been limping since yesterday. I have "Runners knee" and it HURTS! I have to try and keep it elevated and I am on an anti-inflammatory. I guess there goes any hard activities for a while. MM stayed in a hotel all weekend. I tried not to talk to him much and told him I was busy although I did visit him at the hotel on Saturday night and we sat and talked for a bit. We didn't do anything physical, just a hug when I left. He keeps saying that he doesn't want me to be involved etc. I told him that eventually she will find out, even if he waits until they are officially divorced before he tells her and lets it be known that we are together. She knows me, knows who I am. He gets that part, but I guess he doesn't want her to know about the "adultery" part. He isn't sure it would be classified as adultery because we haven't made it physical. Does anyone know? He doesn't go back to lawyer until Thursday. When I spoke to him this morning briefly to update him on my knee, he mentioned that he thinks his wife has someone spying on him, LOL. I did laugh but I honestly think she might do something like that. He said he's seen the same car 3 times in the last two days and that it was parked at the hotel over the weekend. He said he's sure it followed him to work this morning. I think maybe he is being paranoid now but who knows? He hasn't been home since Friday so maybe she thought he was staying with a woman? Who knows. He is going home tonight so hopefully she has agreed to separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 (edited) I'm so sorry for you. I saw the exact situation MANY times before. You left Kevin in order to make things easier for Jamie. You will be Jamie's OW for years to come because you love him so much. The more you get involved with his problems, the longer you will get stuck with Jamie. He WON'T leave his wife. If he is in such a bad situation with his wife, wait for him to deal with this by himself. Otherwise you will be his OW and this is what he wants. He will settle down and get comfortable with the situation as he wont deal with divorce and have you.. This is what you will be: the other women. Don't get involved with this. In 2, 4, 10 years you will realize that your a secret in someone else life, you'll spend beautiful years in a relationship that has a dead end, you will miss the opportunity to have your own family with Kevin or any another single guy. I truly feel sorry for you. Please don't feel sorry for me. I put myself here and I am doing my best to work through it. Right now Jamie has done almost everything he said he would. Things are looking good for divorce and I am creating a comfortable boundary while stepping back slowly so he can deal with it alone. Maybe I am being unrealistic with my hope I don't know. Edited May 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkSunset Posted May 16, 2016 Author Share Posted May 16, 2016 He's mad because he had plans to spend time with you having free sex. Wait for his divorce to be a reality. I have never had sex with him and don't plan on it until things are settled with his wife. What is "free sex"? Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted May 16, 2016 Share Posted May 16, 2016 Can you really blame his wife for having someone spy on him? He IS cheating on her. It's not crazy for her to be suspicious and to ask for someone to look out for her. Her scummy husband sure doesn't. She's not your enemy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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