Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

Has MM filed? Does his wife even know he's planning to move? Is there any way to confirm any of this?

 

Yes she knows and she is telling him he won't see his son. His lawyer knows about all of this and he told me he recorded her threatening him about not seeing the son.

He did sign the separation agreement and it should be filed this week. I didn't ask much about it, this is just what he has volunteered to me. He thinks he is losing me and in a sense I think he is too. If this keeps on like this I will eventually just get over him and not want to look back. Maybe that's better for him... Maybe my purpose is just for him to know he can be happy again...

[S2B]

What did the lawyer says his parental rights are?

 

He surely must know his rights by now?

 

His wife can say anything she wants - the law over rules her "opinion". When does he plan to stop being her wussy? He is STILL allowing her to brow beat him! That may never end.

[elaine567]

I didn't want to mention anything about MM, should I have? I feel like because we are both "single" he might try and pursue something.

He is attractive and has a good job, is smart and seems like a good guy. I'm not ready for dating though and I still think about Jamie all day long

 

There is no need to say anything as nothing really happened, it was just a fling.

This man will most likely "judge" you, and you will then "judge" yourself You will make headline gossip amongst your ex school mates for a short while too, it that what you want?

Better just to keep quiet.

[PinkSunset]

What did the lawyer says his parental rights are?

 

He surely must know his rights by now?

 

His wife can say anything she wants - the law over rules her "opinion". When does he plan to stop being her wussy? He is STILL allowing her to brow beat him! That may never end.

 

I guess that is why he recorded her, so he has some kind of proof of how she is when it comes to their son. He does know his rights, he isn't really listening to her threats anymore.

I guess she also told him if he leaves he can never come back, that her family will never forgive him and he told her he didn't plan on returning.

 

There is no need to say anything as nothing really happened, it was just a fling.

This man will most likely "judge" you, and you will then "judge" yourself You will make headline gossip amongst your ex school mates for a short while too, it that what you want?

Better just to keep quiet.

 

I thought so. He is divorced as well, he just mentioned that they were better off as friends and that they are good co-parents.

 

Am I the only 34 year old who has never been married? God, does that make me look bad for future mates?

[S2B]

He sure plays this victim role well and thoroughly Pink.

 

I'd be cautious... That's not a healthy man. He's got major issues that could take years to change.

 

He's recording his wife - and still in that victim role. It identifies who he IS!

 

He may never be capable of breaking free from being the victim.

 

And you can't fix that for him.

[PinkSunset]

He sure plays this victim role well and thoroughly Pink.

 

I'd be cautious... That's not a healthy man. He's got major issues that could take years to change.

 

He's recording his wife - and still in that victim role. It identifies who he IS!

 

He may never be capable of breaking free from being the victim.

 

And you can't fix that for him.

 

It was me who suggested recording her, a couple weeks ago. I should have mentioned that...

[Girlfromcali]

Hmmm..you're 34 -years old and never married? You have a nice boyfriend but you dump him for someone unavailable. Maybe you don't want to have a real relationship. How long is your longest R?

[S2B]

What is Codependence and How Do I Heal It? - Transformational Weight Loss & Wellness

 

 

This is a pretty good article.

[S2B]

It was me who suggested recording her, a couple weeks ago. I should have mentioned that...

 

I noticed you ignored the meat of my post...

 

He's got work to do Pink. Hopefully he gets help. You can't do it for him and stay healthy.

[SomethingToSay]

I dont get how he would file a separation agreememt. An agreement has to be signed by both parties. When u initiate a separation or divorce you file a petition or complaint or motion, not a separation agreement".

 

So i guess thats my confusion.

[PinkSunset]

Hmmm..you're 34 -years old and never married? You have a nice boyfriend but you dump him for someone unavailable. Maybe you don't want to have a real relationship. How long is your longest R?

 

5 years. I spent my later 20's and some of my earlier 30's with him. I thought we would marry but apparently he never had that in mind.

 

I do want a real R.

 

I noticed you ignored the meat of my post...

 

He's got work to do Pink. Hopefully he gets help. You can't do it for him and stay healthy.

 

I'm sorry, not trying to ignore anything. My mind is all over the place.

 

I am trying to stay away and I haven't given him any advice since then.

 

I dont get how he would file a separation agreememt. An agreement has to be signed by both parties. When u initiate a separation or divorce you file a petition or complaint or motion, not a separation agreement".

 

So i guess thats my confusion.

 

You have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. After one year he can be granted a divorce based on grounds of separation.

He and his lawyer made up the paperwork for what he wants out of the separation/divorce and she still has to be served with it.

I know that she will have 30 days to respond and if she doesn't then it is considered uncontested and the judge will grant it. It's just the year of waiting that sucks.

I know it won't go down that way though.

[S2B]

Pink - at best - this is 14 months away from the possibility of consideration for dating.

 

Let's look at you - what are YOUR personal goals? What do you wish to accomplish FOR YOURSELF within the next year?

 

Let's focus on the things YOU can change FOR yourself...

[privategal]

If agreement is already drafted and he was anxious to get out she would have been served immediately.

Last I checked your post you were nc.

I thought you realized it was unhealthy to be talking during all of this?

[SomethingToSay]

He is probably holding back on pulling the gun on serving it until he moves out I am thinking? Or maybe still on the fence possible. B/c surely serving her wouldn't be a problem since they are living together.

 

 

You have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. After one year he can be granted a divorce based on grounds of separation

 

 

My state has this too, and I have seen lots of people waffle back and forth during this 1 year period. If you spend 1 night together under the same roof during this period, it sets the clock over (at least in my state)

[AlwaysGrowing]

In Canada there is no requirement for a "legal" separation. Any separation agreements that are made include both parties sitting down and constructing one, they do not legally have to be drafted by a lawyer, although some type of mediation process/person is suggested.

 

In Canada there are only three recognized kinds of divorces, Cruelty, Adultery and one year separation. The person committing adultery can not file for adultery.

 

One need not have a separate address to prove separation.

 

One can start the divorce paperwork prior to the time condition of one year separation.

 

Divorce is not automatic after the one year separation, one has to file.

[PinkSunset]

Pink - at best - this is 14 months away from the possibility of consideration for dating.

 

Let's look at you - what are YOUR personal goals? What do you wish to accomplish FOR YOURSELF within the next year?

 

Let's focus on the things YOU can change FOR yourself...

 

I really just want to get myself back to where I once was. After my last LTR (before Kevin) I was really broken. He was emotionally abusive at best.

After meeting Kevin I felt good again, not just because of him but because I felt like myself again. I wasn't depressed anymore, I was happy.

 

Being happy and healthy, mentally and physically is my goal.

 

He is probably holding back on pulling the gun on serving it until he moves out I am thinking? Or maybe still on the fence possible. B/c surely serving her wouldn't be a problem since they are living together.

 

My state has this too, and I have seen lots of people waffle back and forth during this 1 year period. If you spend 1 night together under the same roof during this period, it sets the clock over (at least in my state)

 

I don't know what she is being served with or if he meant that in due time. I know she won't go with him to help make an agreement up so he made one up on his own with his lawyer. I don't even think she has a lawyer yet. She thinks he is bluffing. He put his deposit down for his new house he is going to rent and he moves in over the weekend.

 

I am trying to stay out of it, so I don't ask a lot of questions anymore. He has picked up on this and says it's because I'm losing faith in him and eventually will be gone. I tell him that's not true but I am really not so sure anymore.

[SomethingToSay]

He put his deposit down for his new house he is going to rent and he moves in over the weekend.

 

 

Did he say how long his lease/rental agreement term is?

 

I am trying to stay out of it, so I don't ask a lot of questions anymore. He has picked up on this and says it's because I'm losing faith in him and eventually will be gone. I tell him that's not true but I am really not so sure anymore.

 

 

I am hoping with distance you are seeing that this man is not the knight in shining armor/prince charming you maybe felt when caught up in the affair. Im not saying he's awful, but he's clearly in a "place" in his life where he isn't acting with integrity.

 

 

For me personally, being with someone I met while they were married, I would always be wondering would they get chummy with a co-workers when things with us got stressful or bumpy as relationship ALWAYS do, to some extent at least, at times.

 

 

I think you've done very well staying Low Contact and focusing on yourself.

 

 

I am curious is his wife still suspecting an Affair, has their been any sort of D-day at all. Does she not see his phone ever?

[PinkSunset]

Did he say how long his lease/rental agreement term is?

 

 

 

 

I am hoping with distance you are seeing that this man is not the knight in shining armor/prince charming you maybe felt when caught up in the affair. Im not saying he's awful, but he's clearly in a "place" in his life where he isn't acting with integrity.

 

 

For me personally, being with someone I met while they were married, I would always be wondering would they get chummy with a co-workers when things with us got stressful or bumpy as relationship ALWAYS do, to some extent at least, at times.

 

 

I think you've done very well staying Low Contact and focusing on yourself.

 

 

I am curious is his wife still suspecting an Affair, has their been any sort of D-day at all. Does she not see his phone ever?

 

He doesn't seem to think anyone is following him anymore and she still has no idea as far as I know.

 

He has two cell phones, as do I. One is for business, one is personal. We communicate usually on the business one and if she has ever gone through it she hasn't found anything. We talk a lot on the phone, don't message much, and we used to email a lot throughout the day.

[SomethingToSay]

What length of lease is he signing?

[PinkSunset]

What length of lease is he signing?

 

I'm not sure. Typically here you have to sign a 6 month to 1 year lease and then you can go month to month thereafter. I am not going to assume anything though.

[SomethingToSay]

Whats the plan for this weekend? Hope you are keeping busy with healthy distractions. Any update on anything?

[PinkSunset]

Whats the plan for this weekend? Hope you are keeping busy with healthy distractions. Any update on anything?

 

I haven't spoken to MM. It's getting harder it seems as the days go by. He has emailed me once asking me how I am doing but I haven't responded. I feel terrible ignoring him.

 

I have a checkup appointment with my Doctor today to see how my knee is healing. I have another coffee date with my old school friend again this weekend. Other than that I am not up to much other than feeling sorry for myself. Ugh.

[SomethingToSay]

Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. And nothing wrong with wallowing in your house alone all weekend.

 

 

Sadly, I think you have to assume "no news" from him means nothing has changed. Surely if he filed for separation he would have told you and sent you a copy? Or if he had signed a lease he would have told you?

 

 

I dunno that is just my gut.

 

 

I mean, I guess you could ask for an update, but really if he isn't volunteering this info that he KNOWS you are waiting desperately to hear....and that he KNOWS would bring you closer to back in his arms, then how can you assume anything other than there is no real update?

[PinkSunset]

Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. And nothing wrong with wallowing in your house alone all weekend.

 

 

Sadly, I think you have to assume "no news" from him means nothing has changed. Surely if he filed for separation he would have told you and sent you a copy? Or if he had signed a lease he would have told you?

 

 

I dunno that is just my gut.

 

 

I mean, I guess you could ask for an update, but really if he isn't volunteering this info that he KNOWS you are waiting desperately to hear....and that he KNOWS would bring you closer to back in his arms, then how can you assume anything other than there is no real update?

 

I agree. He did say he can start moving his stuff into his new place tonight, and that he will be moving his clothes and things on the weekend. He said he is not taking any furniture with him, that she can have it all. I guess his new place is furnished.

 

The end of his email (below) is what's hurting me the most. All I want to do is take his pain away. I feel like I am causing all of his pain.

 

"i know you are not impressed with me right now or anything that has gone on...i dont know how else to handle the fact that you are ignoring me other then send you short emails and hope you will say something back. i dont want her, i am moving on with my life and hopefully with you. i don't see an end to this misery right now... i am heart broken without you."

[stilltrying16]

Pink, you've been quite amazing. I can tell from your posts how hard it must be. That email will hurt- of course. You sound exhausted. You have a lot of strength.

 

I hope you get great news about the knee because that will allow you to be physically active. You said you're alone this weekend- can you do something sinfully self-indulgent for yourself (other than contacting him!). I wish we could help more.

 

You talked to him at the hotel, so he must have a clear idea of what you are waiting for. He does know your reasons for staying LC at this point, doesn't he? It's not about you not being impressed with him.

 

He said he'd be moving into an apt this weekend. I hope he sticks to his own schedule and produces those papers. Or if he plans to backslide on those I wish he'd do it sooner rather than later so you could be out of limbo!

 

In the meantime, please be very good to yourself. Spend a lot of hours in the sun (and try to catch a pink sunset or three).

 

I'm sending you a boatful of good wishes and twice as many hugs than usual!