Emotional Affair

[elaine567]

I have another coffee date with my old school friend again this weekend.

 

Good you need something to take your mind off this, just make sure he is actually divorced...

[PinkSunset]

Pink, you've been quite amazing. I can tell from your posts how hard it must be. That email will hurt- of course. You sound exhausted. You have a lot of strength.

 

I hope you get great news about the knee because that will allow you to be physically active. You said you're alone this weekend- can you do something sinfully self-indulgent for yourself (other than contacting him!). I wish we could help more.

 

You talked to him at the hotel, so he must have a clear idea of what you are waiting for. He does know your reasons for staying LC at this point, doesn't he? It's not about you not being impressed with him.

 

He said he'd be moving into an apt this weekend. I hope he sticks to his own schedule and produces those papers. Or if he plans to backslide on those I wish he'd do it sooner rather than later so you could be out of limbo!

 

In the meantime, please be very good to yourself. Spend a lot of hours in the sun (and try to catch a pink sunset or three).

 

I'm sending you a boatful of good wishes and twice as many hugs than usual!

 

I am hurting a lot but I am going to try and get to the spa and do a mani/pedi, lol. Hopefully it cheers me up to some extent. I hope I see a lot of Pink Sunset's too, they are my favourite

Thank you for being so kind. It is really appreciated so much.

 

Good you need something to take your mind off this, just make sure he is actually divorced...

 

This made me smile! LOL thanks.

[SomethingToSay]

I feel like if he has signed a lease and filed separation it is safe to maybe resume some contact i guess. I deally he would then disclose and you guys could be out in the ope

[stilltrying16]

I am hurting a lot but I am going to try and get to the spa and do a mani/pedi, lol. Hopefully it cheers me up to some extent. I hope I see a lot of Pink Sunset's too, they are my favourite

Thank you for being so kind. It is really appreciated so much.

 

Gosh I'm so embarrassed. All this time I've been thinking of pink sunsets in the sky. But I have been thinking it sounded like a drink and sure enough. And it sounds so pretty! I might have to try one.

 

I agree with S2S- hoping you will know a lot more by the end of the weekend. Raising a glass to you!!!!

[PinkSunset]

I am hurting a lot but I am going to try and get to the spa and do a mani/pedi, lol. Hopefully it cheers me up to some extent. I hope I see a lot of Pink Sunset's too, they are my favourite

Thank you for being so kind. It is really appreciated so much.

 

Gosh I'm so embarrassed. All this time I've been thinking of pink sunsets in the sky. But I have been thinking it sounded like a drink and sure enough. And it sounds so pretty! I might have to try one.

 

I agree with S2S- hoping you will know a lot more by the end of the weekend. Raising a glass to you!!!!

 

I do mean the sunset's in the sky, but if there is a drink it would probably be great.

 

 

My weekend:

I went to the spa and on my way out I ran into Jamie's wife. I should have known not to go to this place because I knew she went there. I guess I never thought about that I might actually see her there. My face must have been beat red. She asked me how I was and asked me how Kevin and I were! I didn't know what to say, I was so put on the spot that I told her we were doing great! She asked if I had spoken to Jamie recently and I said that we had discussed business a few times but not much. I told her I was running late so I cut it short and while I was sitting in my car she knocked on the window and then proceeded to ask me if I knew any divorce lawyers, because I had mentioned I had lawyer friends. I said I would look into it for her and get back to her and that was it. I didn't ask why or anything, should I have????

I called Jamie and told him what happened and he said it was completely inappropriate for her to ask me that considering in her eyes I should be just Jamie's business colleague. Also he said she already has a lawyer, and her family knows plenty of lawyers. He thinks she is just fishing. I honestly don't know what to think. Does she know? Maybe it was innocent but maybe not. He doesn't know if she knows Kevin and I are not together. This is easily excused away though I think...

 

He was going to call her and tell her how inappropriate it was but I said not to do it right away or she will know I called him... We agreed he will say something to her today (Monday) as it's more likely I would let him know then.

He invited me over to his place but I declined, she now knows what car I drive though. He is WAY more cool and collected about this than I am.

 

Not to mention my old school friend showed up to my house with FLOWERS. I never once let on that any of this was meant for a date. To me it was just catching up and getting to know one another. He wasn't at all aware of the weekend I was having and I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth about anything so I just said thank you... We went for dinner and all I could think about was Jamie and if his wife knows about us. I think he could tell I wasn't really there. He didn't try for a kiss or anything thank god.

[anika99]

 

I do mean the sunset's in the sky, but if there is a drink it would probably be great.

 

 

My weekend:

I went to the spa and on my way out I ran into Jamie's wife. I should have known not to go to this place because I knew she went there. I guess I never thought about that I might actually see her there. My face must have been beat red. She asked me how I was and asked me how Kevin and I were! I didn't know what to say, I was so put on the spot that I told her we were doing great! She asked if I had spoken to Jamie recently and I said that we had discussed business a few times but not much. I told her I was running late so I cut it short and while I was sitting in my car she knocked on the window and then proceeded to ask me if I knew any divorce lawyers, because I had mentioned I had lawyer friends. I said I would look into it for her and get back to her and that was it. I didn't ask why or anything, should I have????

I called Jamie and told him what happened and he said it was completely inappropriate for her to ask me that considering in her eyes I should be just Jamie's business colleague. Also he said she already has a lawyer, and her family knows plenty of lawyers. He thinks she is just fishing. I honestly don't know what to think. Does she know? Maybe it was innocent but maybe not. He doesn't know if she knows Kevin and I are not together. This is easily excused away though I think...

 

He was going to call her and tell her how inappropriate it was but I said not to do it right away or she will know I called him... We agreed he will say something to her today (Monday) as it's more likely I would let him know then.

He invited me over to his place but I declined, she now knows what car I drive though. He is WAY more cool and collected about this than I am.

 

Not to mention my old school friend showed up to my house with FLOWERS. I never once let on that any of this was meant for a date. To me it was just catching up and getting to know one another. He wasn't at all aware of the weekend I was having and I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth about anything so I just said thank you... We went for dinner and all I could think about was Jamie and if his wife knows about us. I think he could tell I wasn't really there. He didn't try for a kiss or anything thank god.

 

When you two talk do you actually listen to yourselves? He has the audacity to call his wife inappropriate for asking you about a divorce lawyer? Does he consider it at all inappropriate of himself to be having an affair with his "business colleague"? The idea of you two having this conversation where you are sitting in moral judgement of his wife while he has been cheating and you both have been lying to her forever is laughable beyond words. Then you end the conversation by plotting even more deception, "oh lets not tell her that her question was inappropriate until Monday, so that she doesn't get suspicious of our inappropriate relationship", In other words lets put her in her place and make her feel like an inappropriate person while we hide our own bad behaviour because she is just a loser who deserves our scorn and judgement while we are so superior to her.

[PinkSunset]

 

When you two talk do you actually listen to yourselves? He has the audacity to call his wife inappropriate for asking you about a divorce lawyer? Does he consider it at all inappropriate of himself to be having an affair with his "business colleague"? The idea of you two having this conversation where you are sitting in moral judgement of his wife while he has been cheating and you both have been lying to her forever is laughable beyond words. Then you end the conversation by plotting even more deception, "oh lets not tell her that her question was inappropriate until Monday, so that she doesn't get suspicious of our inappropriate relationship", In other words lets put her in her place and make her feel like an inappropriate person while we hide our own bad behaviour because she is just a loser who deserves our scorn and judgement while we are so superior to her.

 

She already has a lawyer so why is she asking if I know one? I think it's to see if I am the one who recommended the lawyer to Jamie, which I did. The lawyer he has I went to school with and he is very good at his job.

 

I never said she is a loser or even put anything into that context. She isn't asking for help. She has her own motives for doing this, I just haven't figured out what they are yet. it IS inappropriate for her to be asking me such a thing.

 

I will even go as far to say that what we have together is BARELY an affair. Especially at this point...It was an inappropriate relationship yes all the way.

[elaine567]

 

She already has a lawyer so why is she asking if I know one? I think it's to see if I am the one who recommended the lawyer to Jamie, which I did. The lawyer he has I went to school with and he is very good at his job.

 

I never said she is a loser or even put anything into that context. She isn't asking for help. She has her own motives for doing this, I just haven't figured out what they are yet. it IS inappropriate for her to be asking me such a thing.

 

I will even go as far to say that what we have together is BARELY an affair. Especially at this point...It was an inappropriate relationship yes all the way.

 

I think it was an odd conversation, I guess you looked a bit guilty and flustered and she may even know for certain Kevin is out of the picture, she may have had a recent conversations with Kevin, now Jamie has moved out.

I do not know how their social life works, but if my husband was bringing home a young woman work colleague for us to socialize with, even with a bf in tow, I would be very suspicious even more so if he was disconnecting with me and then moved out.

The knocking on the car window, with the weird question about lawyers (if what he says is true and she knows loads of lawyers) means she may be on to you I guess.

[S2B]

Did he move Pink? More importantly - has he been staying at the new place?

 

Has he filed yet? Was she served?

 

And it's completely co dependent to think he can't be happy on his own - that he "needs you" to be happy. And that you hold that much power in such an u healthy triangle.

 

I hope you can work on healthy balance - and him too - so you realize what it is to be happy without depending on any other person that is handed your power.

[ShatteredLady]

Remember that the bs was under the impression that she was building a potential friendship with you. Maybe, just maybe she kept talking to you because she's lonely & thought she could have you as a friend now. She needs as many as she can get!

 

She's entertained you in her home. She's cooked for you & socialized with you. You are only calling her "inappropriate" because you are in the position of knowing what's going on in HER life when she doesn't!

 

PLEASE remember EMPTHY, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING. Don't sacrifice any more of your values here.

[PinkSunset]

I think it was an odd conversation, I guess you looked a bit guilty and flustered and she may even know for certain Kevin is out of the picture, she may have had a recent conversations with Kevin, now Jamie has moved out.

I do not know how their social life works, but if my husband was bringing home a young woman work colleague for us to socialize with, even with a bf in tow, I would be very suspicious even more so if he was disconnecting with me and then moved out.

The knocking on the car window, with the weird question about lawyers (if what he says is true and she knows loads of lawyers) means she may be on to you I guess.

 

I agree I must have looked flustered as it completely caught me off guard. I don't think she would have become suspicious about me at all when we socialized with them. It's been over a year since Jamie and I first met so it's not like this all came about overnight.

The knocking on my window was extremely awkward and made me REALLY uncomfortable. I had got in and opened my purse and pulled out my phone and then she knocked and it scared the crap out of me. It was almost like she knew she had something over me... but maybe I am wrong. I don't know what to think.

 

Did he move Pink? More importantly - has he been staying at the new place?

 

Has he filed yet? Was she served?

 

And it's completely co dependent to think he can't be happy on his own - that he "needs you" to be happy. And that you hold that much power in such an u healthy triangle.

 

I hope you can work on healthy balance - and him too - so you realize what it is to be happy without depending on any other person that is handed your power.

 

Yes, he moved and he has been staying at the new place. The separation agreement has been signed by him already and as far as I know she has her copy.

I know I can be a happy healthy independent woman, I know I don't need him for happiness. I think he thinks he needs me, though. You are right on that.

 

Remember that the bs was under the impression that she was building a potential friendship with you. Maybe, just maybe she kept talking to you because she's lonely & thought she could have you as a friend now. She needs as many as she can get!

 

She's entertained you in her home. She's cooked for you & socialized with you. You are only calling her "inappropriate" because you are in the position of knowing what's going on in HER life when she doesn't!

 

PLEASE remember EMPTHY, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING. Don't sacrifice any more of your values here.

 

It's possible but we never spoke about their relationship and really never discussed much of anything personal. She knows Jamie and I worked together and she thinks we have had some dealings within the passed year but we haven't.

In the off chance that she does know Kevin and I are not together, I could have just been saying it to save face for all she knows. If she has spoken to Kevin, it might be a different story. I don't know if he would have told her that Jamie and I spoke all the time or that he left because of the lies and deception. I can't see him doing that... He did threaten once that he would tell her but that was in anger. He usually takes the high road and tries to stay drama free so I can't see it.

[MaggieNilson]

I think if she already suspected her husband had an OW this pretty much clinched it for her as being you. I think coming back to your car like shows it. I guess another alterntuve is maybe she thinks you referred Jamie to an atty and was pissed about that

 

Im confused why Jamie would tell her this was "inapproproate". First of all, would that not in itself add to the suspicion? But more importantly, its not his place. He is leaving their marriage. He cant control what she does. Id say there will likel be alot more "inappropriateness" from her if things progress as you are hoping. If you are wanting him to stand up for you so to speak, dont go that route. If you think she was inappropriate tell her yourself. But triangulating this situation by agreeing he will tell her in Monday it was inappropriate is So Weird and unnecessary.

 

Finally....when she approached you and you were getting your phone out of your purse, was that for the purposes of contacting Jamie? It is very possible this woman is well aware of your affair with her husband so please realize that possibility

 

So what did Jamie do over the weekend? How is he filling his days and nights?

[PinkSunset]

Remember that the bs was under the impression that she was building a potential friendship with you. Maybe, just maybe she kept talking to you because she's lonely & thought she could have you as a friend now. She needs as many as she can get!

 

She's entertained you in her home. She's cooked for you & socialized with you. You are only calling her "inappropriate" because you are in the position of knowing what's going on in HER life when she doesn't!

 

PLEASE remember EMPTHY, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING. Don't sacrifice any more of your values here.

 

This is not true.

 

Say if Jamie and I had just socialized with the 4 of us those few times and then after the verbal abuse we just stopped making it personal and left everything with Jamie business like... Her asking me would be inappropriate! As far as she knows THIS is what went on. I would never ask my boyfriend's business associate for divorce lawyer references, even if there might have been a potential friendship there, I haven't spoken to her in half a year!

[PinkSunset]

I think if she already suspected her husband had an OW this pretty much clinched it for her as being you. I think coming back to your car like shows it. I guess another alterntuve is maybe she thinks you referred Jamie to an atty and was pissed about that

 

Im confused why Jamie would tell her this was "inapproproate". First of all, would that not in itself add to the suspicion? But more importantly, its not his place. He is leaving their marriage. He cant control what she does. Id say there will likel be alot more "inappropriateness" from her if things progress as you are hoping. If you are wanting him to stand up for you so to speak, dont go that route. If you think she was inappropriate tell her yourself. But triangulating this situation by agreeing he will tell her in Monday it was inappropriate is So Weird and unnecessary.

 

Finally....when she approached you and you were getting your phone out of your purse, was that for the purposes of contacting Jamie? It is very possible this woman is well aware of your affair with her husband so please realize that possibility

 

So what did Jamie do over the weekend? How is he filling his days and nights?

 

Well, I had left her at the door when I cut the conversation short so obviously she followed me to my car because it was within seconds after I got in that she knocked! Yes, I was reaching into my phone to call Jamie.

 

I agree the most likely scenario is she is probably pissed off if I am the one that referred Jamie to a lawyer and that could be what she was trying to do. I think she was trying to intimidate me as well. It IS possible she might know something but it's hard to say right now.

 

We agreed he would call and say it was inappropriate because he doesn't need his clients or anyone else in our offices knowing his personal life. I didn't see that as suspicious but maybe you're right.

[ChickiePops]

This is not true.

 

Say if Jamie and I had just socialized with the 4 of us those few times and then after the verbal abuse we just stopped making it personal and left everything with Jamie business like... Her asking me would be inappropriate! As far as she knows THIS is what went on. I would never ask my boyfriend's business associate for divorce lawyer references, even if there might have been a potential friendship there, I haven't spoken to her in half a year!

 

Minimizing it now is only going to make things worse. It was absolutely an affair. You had an affair. She has STILL done nothing to YOU, and it does sound to me like she was trying to bond a bit, or that she's in shock and didn't know who to ask about these things. Perhaps she was looking for someone to talk to..her husband did just leave her after all. Or maybe she does suspect and she was feeling you out.

 

Just because Jamie speaks badly about her doesn't mean you need to. You only know Jamie's side of the story. Frankly from the way you describe him here he sounds like kind of a d*ck..maybe he was cruel to her after the accident/miscarriage. You will never know.

[PinkSunset]

I think if she already suspected her husband had an OW this pretty much clinched it for her as being you. I think coming back to your car like shows it. I guess another alterntuve is maybe she thinks you referred Jamie to an atty and was pissed about that

 

Im confused why Jamie would tell her this was "inapproproate". First of all, would that not in itself add to the suspicion? But more importantly, its not his place. He is leaving their marriage. He cant control what she does. Id say there will likel be alot more "inappropriateness" from her if things progress as you are hoping. If you are wanting him to stand up for you so to speak, dont go that route. If you think she was inappropriate tell her yourself. But triangulating this situation by agreeing he will tell her in Monday it was inappropriate is So Weird and unnecessary.

 

Finally....when she approached you and you were getting your phone out of your purse, was that for the purposes of contacting Jamie? It is very possible this woman is well aware of your affair with her husband so please realize that possibility

 

So what did Jamie do over the weekend? How is he filling his days and nights?

 

Forgot to answer your last questions.

 

He was moving over the weekend and had mostly finished last night. I guess this week we will see what he does with his evenings. He invited me over on the weekend but I said no because I was still in a bit of shock over running into his wife and how uncomfortable she made me. I am worried to go to his house now that she knows what car I drive. Once we are out in the open i'll be okay with that.

Apparently she has the address to his place but has not been there. He is supposed to take his son at some point this week but she told him he has to visit their son at the house. I guess he plans on taking him to his place regardless. I try not to give him any advice when it comes to their son, it's not my place and I really wouldn't know what to say anyway.

[PinkSunset]

Minimizing it now is only going to make things worse. It was absolutely an affair. You had an affair. She has STILL done nothing to YOU, and it does sound to me like she was trying to bond a bit, or that she's in shock and didn't know who to ask about these things. Perhaps she was looking for someone to talk to..her husband did just leave her after all. Or maybe she does suspect and she was feeling you out.

 

Just because Jamie speaks badly about her doesn't mean you need to. You only know Jamie's side of the story. Frankly from the way you describe him here he sounds like kind of a d*ck..maybe he was cruel to her after the accident/miscarriage. You will never know.

 

She has a sister who she is very close with and who hangs out at their house constantly. I am sure her sister knows all about their separation. She does not need some woman she met through her soon to be ex husband to give her advice. She is way smarter than you're giving her credit for. Her coming to my car had motive, it's just a matter of what.

 

I really don't see him being cruel to her after such a trauma with him being an ex paramedic. He really is not a bad person and doesn't go out of his way to speak ill of her, trust me.

[S2B]

I'm wondering why you felt the need to lie to her? You are responsible for how you participate. Now you've decided to blatantly lie?

 

Can you just start being honest about this?

[MaggieNilson]

I also thinkJamie acting all outraged and saying he was going to tell her right away how inappropriate it was is likely just posturing on his part to evoke a certain feeling in you. (Which he is pretty good at.) He knows damn well if he told her it was inappropriate that would signal to her you two were in comfortable communication. And yes waiting a day doesnt really alleviate that. The fact is he can tell you he told her but very well wont and you have no way to know. The whole topic is just pointless. If its inappropriate than YOU tell her. But agreeing as some team that he will tell his wife A....when he is probably lying anyway, is just silly really. I mean really this is just nothing compared to the drama to ensue so...

 

My take away is it clicked for her due to you turning beet red and cutting things short. She probably in that moment remembered his friendliness to you, some early calls and texts. Maybe an Aha moment. The attornwy query eas to gage your reaction and see you sweat. Seems pretty suspect: flustered, embarassed female friend....insincerity and nervousness...cut convo short....immediately pull out your phone once safely in car.

 

Its very likely she suspects you.

[PinkSunset]

I'm wondering why you felt the need to lie to her? You are responsible for how you participate. Now you've decided to blatantly lie?

 

Can you just start being honest about this?

 

I didn't mean to lie to her about being with Kevin, I just really didn't know what to say. All she asked was how Kevin and I were doing and I was so lost for words I just said we were great.

 

She didn't ask me if I referred Jamie to a lawyer. If she did I don't know what I would have said. I never pictured myself having a conversation with her about any of it. I am sure I looked like an awkward hot mess.

 

Was I supposed to come right out and tell her everything that has gone on right there in the parking lot?

[PinkSunset]

I also thinkJamie acting all outraged and saying he was going to tell her right away how inappropriate it was is likely just posturing on his part to evoke a certain feeling in you. (Which he is pretty good at.) He knows damn well if he told her it was inappropriate that would signal to her you two were in comfortable communication. And yes waiting a day doesnt really alleviate that. The fact is he can tell you he told her but very well wont and you have no way to know. The whole topic is just pointless. If its inappropriate than YOU tell her. But agreeing as some team that he will tell his wife A....when he is probably lying anyway, is just silly really. I mean really this is just nothing compared to the drama to ensue so...

 

My take away is it clicked for her due to you turning beet red and cutting things short. She probably in that moment remembered his friendliness to you, some early calls and texts. Maybe an Aha moment. The attornwy query eas to gage your reaction and see you sweat. Seems pretty suspect: flustered, embarassed female friend....insincerity and nervousness...cut convo short....immediately pull out your phone once safely in car.

 

Its very likely she suspects you.

 

That's all true. I can't hide my feelings very easily and it's usually all over my face. Maybe it was an "aha" moment. I never was a very good actress.

 

Jamie hasn't said anything to her yet, I just asked him. I told him maybe he should just leave it alone. He still thinks it's inappropriate but thinks it is possible she knows. He has to see her tonight to pick up his son so he will let me know if she says anything.

[PinkSunset]

I'm wondering why you felt the need to lie to her? You are responsible for how you participate. Now you've decided to blatantly lie?

 

Can you just start being honest about this?

 

I just wanted to add that I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her Kevin and I broke up anyway, outside of a business in the middle of daylight standing awkwardly while people walk by! It was just easier to say we were great, and avoid the whole process.

[S2B]

I didn't mean to lie to her about being with Kevin, I just really didn't know what to say. All she asked was how Kevin and I were doing and I was so lost for words I just said we were great.

 

She didn't ask me if I referred Jamie to a lawyer. If she did I don't know what I would have said. I never pictured myself having a conversation with her about any of it. I am sure I looked like an awkward hot mess.

 

Was I supposed to come right out and tell her everything that has gone on right there in the parking lot?

 

The honest answer would be that you aren't seeing Kevin anymore..

 

And for targeted minimal contact - it looks like you're now doing full contact since you know everything he's doing all weekend and immediately picked up your phone to call him as soon as you got to your car.

 

Is your goal at this point to stay out of the mess this will be for a while or to be communicating with him as if you're dating him?

[PinkSunset]

The honest answer would be that you aren't seeing Kevin anymore..

 

And for targeted minimal contact - it looks like you're now doing full contact since you know everything he's doing all weekend and immediately picked up your phone to call him as soon as you got to your car.

 

Is your goal at this point to stay out of the mess this will be for a while or to be communicating with him as if you're dating him?

 

It had been a few days since I had spoken to him before this. I had been ignoring his calls and emails the whole week! I guess in the moment he was the only one who could possibly understand my anxiety about the whole thing. I wanted to know if he knew anything or why she would ask me about a lawyer.

 

We are still not in full contact mode, I have barely spoken to him today except to ask if he had said anything. He wanted to meet for lunch and I said I was busy. He is getting frustrated that I won't see him.

[MaggieNilson]

What was her demeanor like during the first part of tge convo? Was it friendly and normal? And was her demeanor different when she came up to the car?

 

Bc if she was pissed about you referring him to a lawyer certainly that would have occured to her when she first saw you. Thats why to me it seems more like a realization vs pisses about somethimg she already knew.

 

And did Jamie tell her you referred him to an attorney? If ao why on earth would he do that?