Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

My hope for him is that he looks into professional guidance on how to break free from the abuse.

 

My hope for you is that you don't allow him to keep thinking he can use you to dump all his crap your way.

 

If this is to work for him - he's going to need to find his own way - a way that works for him. Hopefully without abuse...

 

His emotional roller coaster is JUST getting atarted - it's a VERY bumpy ride - one I don't recommend you go on with him.

 

I don't plan on being on that roller coaster at all but I can't just leave him in the dark.

I have faith in him that he will be able to get through this without me being there 100 %

 

He just deserted her. She's perfectly entitled to be hurt and angry right now.

 

She had a lot of warnings before he actually left... and this was before I came into the picture. I am sure she is angry, hurt and upset... But all it's doing is hurting their son and it isn't right. He will end up hating her for it.

[PinkSunset]

On another note... My old school friend showed up at my office today to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I went, because it was unexpected and I didn't want to say no in front of everyone at the front office but it's beginning to become too forward for me. First the flowers and now he shows up at my work without asking me first. He said I seemed off the other night and he wanted to surprise me with lunch and see how I was doing.

He had texted me last night but I told him I was going to bed early. I have already told him I am not looking for a relationship as I just got out of one (half truth) and today i sort of reiterated that but he has already texted me this afternoon saying how great I look today.

 

Ugh I feel like I can't catch a break!!!

[BuddyX]

Why don't you tell him "no" and that he's getting close to "creeper level". There's a difference between nice and honest. Pick the latter. Nice is what got you in trouble before.

[MaggieNilson]

As a mother I dont blame this lady one bit for not allowing her H to see the child outside the home at this point. Its indicitave of her being level headed and a good mom. Her H has up and unilaterally left the home, refusing to work on the marriage. She certainly knows something is up with him -- maybe he is on drugs, maybe he had an OW, maybe he is mentally ill -- but something is going on that he isnt being honest about. So i dont blame her at all for not voluntarily handing over the child.

 

If he really wanted to spend time with the child he could do so there for an hour. She is not preventing him from seeing the child. On the contrary she is insisting it be done in the manner that at this time at least, is likely best for the kid.

 

I think since you dont have children maybe this mama-bear instinct isnt familiar to you. But her gut is certainly screaming now (assuming she doesnt already know full on of the affair) so its quite natural and not vindictive at all to insist he spend time with the son at the home until a court order is in place. Esp considering she doesnt know WTF is going on.

Edited May 31, 2016 by MaggieNilson

[PinkSunset]

Why don't you tell him "no" and that he's getting close to "creeper level". There's a difference between nice and honest. Pick the latter. Nice is what got you in trouble before.

 

I have been honest about not wanting anything. I ignored his text from this afternoon so hopefully he will back off.

[PinkSunset]

As a mother I dont blame this lady one bit for not allowing her H to see the child outside the home at this point. Its indicitave of her being level headed and a good mom. Her H has up and unilaterally left the home, refusing to work on the marriage. She certainly knows something is up with him -- maybe he is on drugs, maybe he had an OW, maybe he is mentally ill -- but something is going on that he isnt being honest about. So i dont blame her at all for not voluntarily handing over the child.

 

If he really wanted to spend time with the child he could do so there for an hour. She is not preventing him from seeing the child. On the contrary she is insisting it be done in the manner that at this time at least, is likely best for the kid.

 

I think since you dont have children maybe this mama-bear instinct isnt familiar to you. But her gut is certainly screaming now (assuming she doesnt already know full on of the affair) so its quite natural and not vindictive at all to insist he spend time with the son at the home until a court order is in place. Esp considering she doesnt know WTF is going on.

 

I am sure she knows him well enough to know he isn't on drugs or having anything mental going on. She may suspect an OW as we have talked about but that's not a reason to keep your child from his father is it?

[MaggieNilson]

If he is lying about it yes. Or if she thinks he would bring the kid around the OW then yes. I would not hand my kid over if something seemed off or that i was being lied to.

 

Eventually yes she will have to. But im these initial days when things are so crazy, no. Stability and the childs well being has to be first. Having an A and lying to the mother is not acting in the childs best interest.

[BuddyX]

I have been honest about not wanting anything. I ignored his text from this afternoon so hopefully he will back off.

 

God did not give us the ability to read people's minds. The fact you went out, Gave him an assumption you're into him. And you not responding, thats him thinking "She wants me to chase her and I need to try harder".

 

Spell it out to him "No, I am not interested in you".

[S2B]

On another note... My old school friend showed up at my office today to see if I wanted to go for lunch. I went, because it was unexpected and I didn't want to say no in front of everyone at the front office but it's beginning to become too forward for me. First the flowers and now he shows up at my work without asking me first. He said I seemed off the other night and he wanted to surprise me with lunch and see how I was doing.

He had texted me last night but I told him I was going to bed early. I have already told him I am not looking for a relationship as I just got out of one (half truth) and today i sort of reiterated that but he has already texted me this afternoon saying how great I look today.

 

Ugh I feel like I can't catch a break!!!

 

Really Pink? This guy is paying attention enough to understand your feelings... AND he's available AND willing to take you out. So let yourself have some fun with a man who IS available.

 

Go on Pink... Go on and have fun with a man that can offer you FUN and a future!

 

I think it's worth exploring - especially since your married dude won't really be available for at least 18 months to take you out in public.

[dubliner]

As a mother I dont blame this lady one bit for not allowing her H to see the child outside the home at this point. Its indicitave of her being level headed and a good mom. Her H has up and unilaterally left the home, refusing to work on the marriage. She certainly knows something is up with him -- maybe he is on drugs, maybe he had an OW, maybe he is mentally ill -- but something is going on that he isnt being honest about. So i dont blame her at all for not voluntarily handing over the child.

 

If he really wanted to spend time with the child he could do so there for an hour. She is not preventing him from seeing the child. On the contrary she is insisting it be done in the manner that at this time at least, is likely best for the kid.

 

I think since you dont have children maybe this mama-bear instinct isnt familiar to you. But her gut is certainly screaming now (assuming she doesnt already know full on of the affair) so its quite natural and not vindictive at all to insist he spend time with the son at the home until a court order is in place. Esp considering she doesnt know WTF is going on.

 

Except this isn't letting a stranger or friend take HER child, this is HIS child and as a parent he has as much right to decide what is best for the child as she does. A mother does not have the monopoly on making decisions for the children, a parent has no right to deny the father equal rights in parenting the child simply because she is the mother.

This kind of thinking alienates fathers from their own children, this is power play, using the child as a weapon.

 

Why is it considered cruel or unfair for him to file for full custody? He is expected to leave his child because he is the MAN that has decided to leave the M? Would you say the same to a woman leaving for her OM?

Whether the A is right or wrong it doesn't make him any less a parent.

[MaggieNilson]

Dublin I disagree in a short term immediate setting like this. Ultimately durung this sudden transition and crisis of his father leaving the home, the child needs stability. If it were a mother unilaterally moving out into a rental and refusing the fathers request to work on the marriage, Id feel the same -- that during the crisis stage keeping the child with whats familiar and secure is best. Once the child adjusts to the idea a parent has moved out, then you can start introducing him to the new home. And eventually do 50/50 custody.

 

It has nothing to do with mother vs father -- it has to do with which parent is chosing to abandon the marriage from which the child was born and which is remainimg in the marital/family home

 

Also -- cheating generally indicates poor coping, lack of empathy, and obviously the capacity for deception so yes it does speak to a persons parenting capabilities IMO.

[S2B]

If his wife is as abusive as you've said - then he should be filing for 100% custody.

 

She can have supervised visitation. That way she would be monitored and hopefully not abusive in front of her child.

 

No child should have that as an example for a parent. It's not ok.

[PinkSunset]

Really Pink? This guy is paying attention enough to understand your feelings... AND he's available AND willing to take you out. So let yourself have some fun with a man who IS available.

 

Go on Pink... Go on and have fun with a man that can offer you FUN and a future!

 

I think it's worth exploring - especially since your married dude won't really be available for at least 18 months to take you out in public.

 

I don't want to lead him on. He is a very nice guy and has a smile that is just, wow... but I have no interest in him. I don't think it's fair so I told him once again that I didn't want anything and he said he would rather wait for someone like me to be ready, than go back to the cesspool of the dating world. He said I am the first woman he has actually liked since his divorce. How can he like me so quickly? It was just friends catching up, at least to me.

 

Except this isn't letting a stranger or friend take HER child, this is HIS child and as a parent he has as much right to decide what is best for the child as she does. A mother does not have the monopoly on making decisions for the children, a parent has no right to deny the father equal rights in parenting the child simply because she is the mother.

This kind of thinking alienates fathers from their own children, this is power play, using the child as a weapon.

 

Why is it considered cruel or unfair for him to file for full custody? He is expected to leave his child because he is the MAN that has decided to leave the M? Would you say the same to a woman leaving for her OM?

Whether the A is right or wrong it doesn't make him any less a parent.

 

Exactly! 100 %.

[PinkSunset]

Anyway I came here to post that MM wife CALLED me and asked me if I had been able to look into a lawyer.

 

I decided I wasn't going to let her intimidate me this time so I just said I hadn't had a chance yet because I didn't really feel comfortable with giving her a lawyer reference for something so personal and then basically she just hung up on me.

 

I think she knows.

 

I haven't spoken to Jamie since Tuesday, I haven't called or messaged him about his wife calling me but I really, REALLY want to.

[lemondrop21]

Anyway I came here to post that MM wife CALLED me and asked me if I had been able to look into a lawyer.

 

I decided I wasn't going to let her intimidate me this time so I just said I hadn't had a chance yet because I didn't really feel comfortable with giving her a lawyer reference for something so personal and then basically she just hung up on me.

 

I think she knows.

 

I haven't spoken to Jamie since Tuesday, I haven't called or messaged him about his wife calling me but I really, REALLY want to.

 

Wait, what? I feel like I've missed something in this story. She called you and asked you if you had gotten a lawyer in relation to what? I thought she didn't know about the A. Also, what would you need a lawyer for?

 

And I know you're going for this NC thing but in this instance maybe he should know that his wife contacted you...

[elaine567]

 

My weekend:

I went to the spa and on my way out I ran into Jamie's wife. I should have known not to go to this place because I knew she went there. I guess I never thought about that I might actually see her there. My face must have been beat red. She asked me how I was and asked me how Kevin and I were! I didn't know what to say, I was so put on the spot that I told her we were doing great! She asked if I had spoken to Jamie recently and I said that we had discussed business a few times but not much. I told her I was running late so I cut it short and while

I was sitting in my car she knocked on the window and then proceeded to ask me if I knew any divorce lawyers, because I had mentioned I had lawyer friends. I said I would look into it for her and get back to her and that was it. I didn't ask why or anything, should I have????

I called Jamie and told him what happened and he said it was completely inappropriate for her to ask me that considering in her eyes I should be just Jamie's business colleague. Also he said she already has a lawyer, and her family knows plenty of lawyers. He thinks she is just fishing. I honestly don't know what to think. Does she know? Maybe it was innocent but maybe not. He doesn't know if she knows Kevin and I are not together. This is easily excused away though I think...

 

He was going to call her and tell her how inappropriate it was but I said not to do it right away or she will know I called him... We agreed he will say something to her today (Monday) as it's more likely I would let him know then.

He invited me over to his place but I declined, she now knows what car I drive though. He is WAY more cool and collected about this than I am.

 

 

Wait, what? I feel like I've missed something in this story.

 

The wife asked Pinksunset to find a lawyer for her

[minimariah]

Why is it considered cruel or unfair for him to file for full custody?

 

let's be real - because Jamie is a jerk. and no, it's really not because he's an adulterer; it's because EVERYTHING seems to be his wife's fault & he seems to be the saint and then... THIS:

 

He said if she wants to play hard ball she is going to get it.

 

^ now... does this sound like something a well balanced, intelligent, GREAT father & a mature man would say...? NO.

 

full custody is ALWAYS a bad idea. always. no exceptions. having full custody means that the other parent is either an abusive one, absent OR that someone is emotionally abusing the child through enabling him to develop a normal relationship with both parents. in situations like these, especially - you have a father who doesn't care much about his child's best interests, who can't be calm & collected (the wife not allowing him to take the child out isn't anything new, by the way; she is probably afraid that he'll take the child and won't get him back + seek and get sole custody on the grounds of child already living with him = HAPPENS OFTEN! so she's being smart about it) + a possible stepmother who already despises the mother = welcome to the wonderful world of PAS. Jamie and the OP aren't any better than his wife; they just like to think they are.

 

chances of him getting full custody are slim; he left the family home. a huuuuuuge minus in the very beginning.

 

I haven't spoken to Jamie since Tuesday, I haven't called or messaged him about his wife calling me but I really, REALLY want to.

 

i just cannot - for the life of me - understand... why can't you FINALLY start minding your own business...? butt out. you're making an already difficult situation 10x MORE difficult by interfering, dehumanizing & demonizing the wife = bringing in a lot of negativity.

[PinkSunset]

Wait, what? I feel like I've missed something in this story. She called you and asked you if you had gotten a lawyer in relation to what? I thought she didn't know about the A. Also, what would you need a lawyer for?

 

And I know you're going for this NC thing but in this instance maybe he should know that his wife contacted you...

 

She doesn't know, at least I didn't think she did at the time! I am not so sure now.

He is aware that I ran into her last weekend and what happened but I haven't told him she called me to follow up. I think she is just doing it on purpose. She either knows about us or suspects/knows I referred him to a lawyer and is pissed about it. Either way, I don't want her calling me!

 

I don't know if I should tell Jamie, or if I should just keep quiet about it all.

[PinkSunset]

let's be real - because Jamie is a jerk. and no, it's really not because he's an adulterer; it's because EVERYTHING seems to be his wife's fault & he seems to be the saint and then... THIS:

 

 

 

^ now... does this sound like something a well balanced, intelligent, GREAT father & a mature man would say...? NO.

 

full custody is ALWAYS a bad idea. always. no exceptions. having full custody means that the other parent is either an abusive one, absent OR that someone is emotionally abusing the child through enabling him to develop a normal relationship with both parents. in situations like these, especially - you have a father who doesn't care much about his child's best interests, who can't be calm & collected (the wife not allowing him to take the child out isn't anything new, by the way; she is probably afraid that he'll take the child and won't get him back + seek and get sole custody on the grounds of child already living with him = HAPPENS OFTEN! so she's being smart about it) + a possible stepmother who already despises the mother = welcome to the wonderful world of PAS. Jamie and the OP aren't any better than his wife; they just like to think they are.

 

chances of him getting full custody are slim; he left the family home. a huuuuuuge minus in the very beginning.

 

 

 

i just cannot - for the life of me - understand... why can't you FINALLY start minding your own business...? butt out. you're making an already difficult situation 10x MORE difficult by interfering, dehumanizing & demonizing the wife = bringing in a lot of negativity.

 

I don't think I am better than anyone else, I just don't agree she should be trying to keep Jamie away from his son. If she would let him have access to him without putting up a stink I highly doubt he would go for full custody.

 

I have been trying to mind my own business, unless you haven't read the last few pages of me trying to stick to NC/LC. I had only been in contact with him because of his wife approaching me. I only know about her keeping his son away because he told me. I don't offer advice or tell him what to do at all. We don't speak daily anymore!

[minimariah]

I think she is just doing it on purpose.

 

she asked for your help - you told her you'd look into it and get back at her and NEVER DID SO. when she called, you blew her off. so she assumes you're on Jamie's side & that's why she's pissed. yes... it really is that simple.

 

there is literally NO reason Jamie should know she contacted you for something you TOLD her you'd do; stop fighting these imaginary battles against his wife.

[minimariah]

I don't think I am better than anyone else, I just don't agree she should be trying to keep Jamie away from his son.

 

she isn't keeping Jamie away from his son - she is keeping Jamie from taking their son OUT of their family home; now, i explained above why is that a good idea. instead od being mature & doing what's best for the child, he is being vengeful & "playing hardball".

 

joint custody is impossible here, obviously - no one involved in this story is even remotely reasonable or mature or thinking about needs other than their own.

 

I have been trying to mind my own business...

 

then why are you even entertaining the idea of telling Jamie that his wife contacted you over something you told her you'd do? like, why would that information be important? aside from you being paranoid and waiting on the moment you'll be busted and wanting to give Jamie headsup.

[elaine567]

Unless there is evidence that the wife actually abuses the son, then no reasonable father would want his 7 yo son to be deprived of his mother.

If he was so worried about his son being abused by the mother, then surely he would left and been holed up in a hotel WITH the son, not phoning for his OW to come round that first few days away.

He is is one piece of work, and although he plays the victim - poor, poor Jamie most of the time - he does let the mask slip every now and again.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Pink- something to think about and I am by NO means an expert but I have done a lot of reading since my own affair both from my side and the BS side. I did read that when you love someone and they want a divorce (and you feel in your gut it is because of someone else and i gaurantee you this wife does) then you fight tooth and nail to keep him in the marriage with you and get him away from the OW. If this means you have to deny access to the kids then you do whatever it takes to wake that other person up from the affair fog.

 

Try and flip this and play devils advocate in your mind for a second. Imagine that the wife is doing this and everything she can think of because she loves her husband and is trying to do everything in her power to keep him and make him rethink walking out on his family.

 

I think you are doing everything you can to stay away and go NC but I would also suggest moving forward with your life. Even if you do not feel it go out and date a little. This sounds like a long messy process you do not want anything to do with until the end has been decided.

 

Stay strong!

[ChickiePops]

I don't think I am better than anyone else, I just don't agree she should be trying to keep Jamie away from his son. If she would let him have access to him without putting up a stink I highly doubt he would go for full custody.

 

I have been trying to mind my own business, unless you haven't read the last few pages of me trying to stick to NC/LC. I had only been in contact with him because of his wife approaching me. I only know about her keeping his son away because he told me. I don't offer advice or tell him what to do at all. We don't speak daily anymore!

 

You do understand that she's just been abandoned and has likely just discovered that her husband has been cheating on her, correct? And you really can't see why she's upset and/or keeping his son away from him?

 

Not to worry..you'll see her point of view when he does this to you, and he will. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater adage..but the way you describe him makes Jamie sound like the kind of guy who wants what he wants and everyone who gets in his way will be eviscerated.

[ChickiePops]

You do understand that she's just been abandoned and has likely just discovered that her husband has been cheating on her, correct? And you really can't see why she's upset and/or keeping his son away from him?

 

Not to worry..you'll see her point of view when he does this to you, and he will. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater adage..but the way you describe him makes Jamie sound like the kind of guy who wants what he wants and everyone who gets in his way will be eviscerated.

 

Forgot to add..you seem to think that she's an unfeeling robot, and I'm sure Jamie has taught you that. But she's human, and she's hurting, just like you.