Emotional Affair

[S2B]

I can't remember - how old is his son? How old is the MM?

[privategal]

Her calling you and confronting you when she ran into you about finding a lawyer...yes...she probably DOES know and thats why you needed to step out and stay out a long time ago gracefully.

This is getting so ugly and messy, surely you can at least empathize when you are a mother and wife it will HURT to lose your spouse and husband and a home breaking up.

She likely isnt abusive but thats fed to you by him to justify his guilt which he will have alot of for breaking up his own home for another woman.

We all can have opinions but the simple easy thing you could have done was told him at the beginning...I need to step back and need to allow you to 100% do this on your own your own way.

I cant help or be involved as I need to let you and your wife and family make your lwn decisions.

Down the line when you have served divorce papers and are fully moved out with custody details and living situatioms ironed out, we can speak...but for now, Id like you to focus on yourself and your family and the divorce proceedings.

You are in the middle of a tornadoe.

Sure you havent spoken to him since Tuesday but you couldve been focused on you, IC and avoided alot of the drama by steering clear until it was over.

You will both likely need joint and individual IC to have hope and I hope you arent discovered, its a miracle if she doesnt know you are the ow.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Her calling you and confronting you when she ran into you about finding a lawyer...yes...she probably DOES know and thats why you needed to step out and stay out a long time ago gracefully.

This is getting so ugly and messy, surely you can at least empathize when you are a mother and wife it will HURT to lose your spouse and husband and a home breaking up.

She likely isnt abusive but thats fed to you by him to justify his guilt which he will have alot of for breaking up his own home for another woman.

We all can have opinions but the simple easy thing you could have done was told him at the beginning...I need to step back and need to allow you to 100% do this on your own your own way.

I cant help or be involved as I need to let you and your wife and family make your lwn decisions.

Down the line when you have served divorce papers and are fully moved out with custody details and living situatioms ironed out, we can speak...but for now, Id like you to focus on yourself and your family and the divorce proceedings.

You are in the middle of a tornadoe.

Sure you havent spoken to him since Tuesday but you couldve been focused on you, IC and avoided alot of the drama by steering clear until it was over.

You will both likely need joint and individual IC to have hope and I hope you arent discovered, its a miracle if she doesnt know you are the ow.

 

Pink I have read too many stories on here where no matter how 'bad' the marriage was and how much the situation progressed the husband still went back to the wife. I would encourage you to focus on you until this mess blows over. Based on what I am seeing/reading I am concerned it isn't over with his wife as much as you want to believe that.

[PinkSunset]

You do understand that she's just been abandoned and has likely just discovered that her husband has been cheating on her, correct? And you really can't see why she's upset and/or keeping his son away from him?

 

Not to worry..you'll see her point of view when he does this to you, and he will. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater adage..but the way you describe him makes Jamie sound like the kind of guy who wants what he wants and everyone who gets in his way will be eviscerated.

 

No, I don't see how she can keep her son from him. Sure she is upset and hurting but his son loves his Dad and they have a special bond. It's wrong. She wants Jamie to visit with him at the house because she's trying to save the marriage maybe? He doesn't want to.

 

Also, Jamie up until recently has always just went along with whatever his wife has wanted. To say whoever gets in his way will be eviscerated I think is an exaggeration... This is his son we are talking about, it's a different ball game. He was trying to be civil.

 

I can't remember - how old is his son? How old is the MM?

 

7 and 38.

[PinkSunset]

And I never said she abuses the son. She is a good mom as far as Jamie has said. He doesn't want to take the son away from his mother, he wants him half of the time and wasn't planning on getting that until an agreement was made but obviously she doesn't want that ....he should be able to take him for a couple of hours?!

 

Also I am doing my best to stay out of this "tornado". I realize it's not healthy for me and having her call me and put me on the spot has been stressing me out like crazy.

 

If she knows I wish she would just say it already. Why won't she confront?

[PinkSunset]

Pink I have read too many stories on here where no matter how 'bad' the marriage was and how much the situation progressed the husband still went back to the wife. I would encourage you to focus on you until this mess blows over. Based on what I am seeing/reading I am concerned it isn't over with his wife as much as you want to believe that.

 

I truly hope this isn't the case but I'm not going to stop him if he wants to work it out with her. He has already moved out and done his separation agreement. He has come so far... I hope it's not for nothing. He deserves to be happy.

[anika99]

And I never said she abuses the son. She is a good mom as far as Jamie has said. He doesn't want to take the son away from his mother, he wants him half of the time and wasn't planning on getting that until an agreement was made but obviously she doesn't want that ....he should be able to take him for a couple of hours?!

 

Also I am doing my best to stay out of this "tornado". I realize it's not healthy for me and having her call me and put me on the spot has been stressing me out like crazy.

 

If she knows I wish she would just say it already. Why won't she confront?

 

So if she is a good mom why can't your MM give her some time to recover from having her life turned upside down by divorce? Even if she is being unreasonable why can't he see that it's because she is struggling to cope at the moment and in a great deal of emotional pain. Where is the compassion? the empathy? I think you and the MM have no feelings of kindness towards her because if you allowed yourselves to see her as a fellow human in pain it would force you to acknowledge the deplorable thing you and your MM did to her. You have to be heartless and dehumanize her to protect your own ego's and preserve the image you have of yourselves of being good people. The BW must be turned into a horrendous monster who deserves every bad thing that happens to her so that you two can justify your affair. You won't be able to keep up this denial forever, your actions will eventually catch up with you.

[onemanband]

with spending so little time with jamie can you tell us what it is about him that has you so head over heels ?

[PinkSunset]

with spending so little time with jamie can you tell us what it is about him that has you so head over heels ?

 

It's an emotional connection that I can't really explain. We just click, and very well. I am head over heels attracted to him, he is smart, good looking, has a great job and treats me like gold. We never run out of things to say to each other, we both like the same things. He likes to cook with me which I love... There are so many things. It's a feeling I get when I'm with him or when I talk to him. It just feels pure.

 

I realize how we started this whole thing isn't ideal and I do have some regrets, but I know he loves me and wants to be with me... No matter how hard it is.

[HeCantBreakMe]

It's an emotional connection that I can't really explain. We just click, and very well. I am head over heels attracted to him, he is smart, good looking, has a great job and treats me like gold. We never run out of things to say to each other, we both like the same things. He likes to cook with me which I love... There are so many things. It's a feeling I get when I'm with him or when I talk to him. It just feels pure.

 

I realize how we started this whole thing isn't ideal and I do have some regrets, but I know he loves me and wants to be with me... No matter how hard it is.

 

You know the situation and person better than any of us. Just know things will work out like they should, have Faith and be okay with whatever answer you are given.

[ChickiePops]

No, I don't see how she can keep her son from him. Sure she is upset and hurting but his son loves his Dad and they have a special bond. It's wrong. She wants Jamie to visit with him at the house because she's trying to save the marriage maybe? He doesn't want to.

 

Also, Jamie up until recently has always just went along with whatever his wife has wanted. To say whoever gets in his way will be eviscerated I think is an exaggeration... This is his son we are talking about, it's a different ball game. He was trying to be civil.

 

 

 

7 and 38.

 

She has just found out that he's been lying to her about something major. Perhaps she's thinking about alllllll the other things he could be lying about and she's trying to protect her son.

[stilltrying16]

Pink, sorry things have reached where they have but I think you can still try to protect yourself from the fallout.

 

I want to offer you a theory that might explain all of their behaviors that you've witnessed. It does depart from yours in major ways. And it isn't new- I've posted bits and pieces of it before-But I'm trying to make it cohesive and hope you will consider it. If it fits the known facts as well as your own theory does, then can you really be sure that you are extending your empathy to the right person?

 

You started off noting that she treated him poorly in public. You witnessed it. But you admitted that she did not treat you and Kevin that way. And Jamie has maintained that she was a good mother- she wasn't awful to her son. So basically you have witnessed only limited and targeted meanness- directed only to one person.

 

When the four of you started hanging out, she reached out to you in friendship (not knowing you had already picked sides by then and were seeing Jamie as the victim). I think you are basically a very empathetic person. Maybe she sensed this and therefore felt free to openly show her hostility to him- assuming you would understand or see that she was justified. The fact that she reached out to you afterwards could mean she had no doubt in her mind that you, the empathetic person, would intuitively sense her distress and her hurt, and would connect with her. Otherwise it would be completely inexplicable why, after behaving as she did, she felt you were a good candidate for a friend.

 

But she was wrong about thinking she could have a friendship with you based on your empathy. What if because Jamie kept making demands on your sympathy and empathy, while she stood back after being turned down by you, you were sucked in slowly but surely into Jamie's orbit? You were growing increasingly indignant on behalf of Jamie. We talked earlier on this thread about why you were quick to decide that he was the victim. I asked if you had a version of the KISA complex and you said you did....you want to rescue people in trouble. Maybe you need to rescue people. Jamie was smart enough to sense this after you first expressed support for him....and he made sure he would appear to be the poor wronged abused victim. He might even have convinced himself he was after seeing you respond to his representation of her. But he was a lot more manipulative than she was- she in contrast was honest but clumsy. So she lost you and he got you on his side.

 

Eventually, Kevin gave up and left, and you got pulled in more and more into an advocacy role for Jamie. At one point he was so confident he'd won you over that he actually acted out when you resisted his plans. He got absurdly sulky when you told him you weren't given in to his (ridiculously timed) request for a sneaky little weekend away- and this is something he wanted immediately after he moved to that hotel, knowing very well that a bomb was about to explode in his marriage and showing no qualms about any fallout that might end up on you. You followed the advice of your therapist and other posters and told him you wanted him to sort out his mess of a life- especially at this incredibly complicated moment- before you could connect with him. He instantly blameshifted on you, and implied you were selfish in wanting to drag him out of the marriage because you were putting your needs ahead of his son's. That email he sent you was so shocking to me. Incredibly immature, self-serving, whiny, and selfish. If you go back and read that awful email he sent you in his fit of pique, how else can it be explained? He was blameshifting on you- on you, the person he supposedly cares for. If he could do that to you, isn't it possible that he also has been blameshifting on his wife? And that he's sulked and acted immaturely around her as well?

 

So where are we now? Bottom line: Jamie MIGHT be in the process of moving out. He MIGHT have given some ultimatum to his wife. He MIGHT have filed for separation. She MIGHT have caught on to your role in this whole thing. But the operative word is MIGHT. As far as I can tell none of this has actually been established, and so you cannot act on it. At any rate, at this point, there's little you can initiate beyond actual hard NC. His actions and your partial acquiescence to his wishes (ie, doing LC rather than NC) might end up exposing you even if you did go fully NC now.

 

If that happens, it will indeed get ugly, as posters here are saying. However, and this is speculation, I'm wondering if a small part of you- the KISA part- might actually be ok with that, because you have been spoiling for an open confrontation, one in which you'll finally get to express your outrage. It's at Jamie's behest that all of this miserable secrecy has shrouded the whole experience- not yours. So a part of you may be ok even being outed. Therefore if you are trying to pull back, then reminding yourself of the bomb about to explode might just not be enough.

 

I think something that will upset you much much more, and that might make you get wholeheartedly behind the project of distancing yourself, is if as an empathetic person, you were to discover that your empathy was misplaced all along. Therefore this outcome too is one you should consider and try to protect yourself from. In other words, keep checking to see that you are gifting the right person with your empathy.

 

So consider these alternative explanations- and ask yourself if it really is impossible given what you know. What if all along she was the one in need of a friend, the one who was isolated, and the one who had been emotionally abused by something- maybe even him/ What if he in contrast, has been playing up the image you have of him consciously or unconsciously? What if his bad behavior, his manipulation of you, his blameshifting on you, all on him and cannot be laid at her door? I keep going back to how she was with him when you and Kevin first started hanging out with them. Honestly, I have such a strong intuitive feeling that she behaved that way toward him because she felt deeply wounded by him, and was so hurt she can't stop lashing out at him in public. But she stayed with him because of their son or because she loved him. Moreover, she isn't strategic or cunning enough to try to control her public image. She isn't manipulative, or she would have protected herself from your disdain by never lashing out at him in public.

 

It's a marriage that has such a miserable sad history- so much hurt and tragedy, the miscarriage being the lowest point. So so sad. No outsider who has only partial facts and who hasn't heard the story from both sides should ever take a central role as the mess plays out. I think you do see that and you've tried to protect yourself- and sought some distance. You've also intellectually conceded earlier in the thread that maybe the BS isn't an overall monster. But your empathy and compassion are still exclusively with Jamie. What if your need to be a KISA is driving your interpretation of the facts- and what if it has misled you into assigning the role of the victim to the person who's screaming most loudly for your help? Not the one who actually is the victim but doesn't know how to play the role? I think if you do accept this as a plausible explanation, then it, even more than the awful fallout that might happen, will ultimately help you gain perspective on Jamie and what your future with him might look like.

 

Finally, here's my ultimate what if: it might seem way too speculative, but ask yourself what in the facts you know actually contradicts it. There's a miscarriage and infertility in this whole mix somewhere. What if she's so upset at him because he cheated on her in the past? And to take this speculation even further, what if his cheating on her gave her an STD which eventually caused the infertility? To my mind this would completely explain how she treated him in public. Of course this is extremely speculative, maybe extremely implausible- but then so is the theory you have constructed based on the very little that you actually know.

 

Pink Sunset, I've felt all along and I've said that your motives have been good and even honorable- but possibly very misguided. Sorry to have written a whole long novel here- but I was getting concerned that the healthy skepticism you'd shown earlier was beginning to disappear. Of course by the time I post this more stuff might have happened making it completely redundant. Sorry in advance if that's the case.

 

Just as an experiment, open your heart to her...and see what happens.

 

And finally I wish you the very very best. I think you deserve to find someone who is ultimately as generous and empathetic as you are.

Edited June 3, 2016 by stilltrying16

[S2B]

Have you discussed your KISA with your therapist? Does your therapist know you're involved with a MM?

[lemondrop21]

It's an emotional connection that I can't really explain. We just click, and very well. I am head over heels attracted to him, he is smart, good looking, has a great job and treats me like gold. We never run out of things to say to each other, we both like the same things. He likes to cook with me which I love... There are so many things. It's a feeling I get when I'm with him or when I talk to him. It just feels pure.

 

I realize how we started this whole thing isn't ideal and I do have some regrets, but I know he loves me and wants to be with me... No matter how hard it is.

 

I know, it's really tough having these feelings about someone else, but then having them be ultimately unavailable to you. I felt exactly as you describe above. The thing is, there are others in the world who can make you feel this way. Don't forget that. If Jamie doesn't work out, it may take you a while to find someone after Jamie, but it's very likely that you will, eventually, find someone.

[PinkSunset]

Pink, sorry things have reached where they have but I think you can still try to protect yourself from the fallout.

 

I want to offer you a theory that might explain all of their behaviors that you've witnessed. It does depart from yours in major ways. And it isn't new- I've posted bits and pieces of it before-But I'm trying to make it cohesive and hope you will consider it. If it fits the known facts as well as your own theory does, then can you really be sure that you are extending your empathy to the right person?

 

You started off noting that she treated him poorly in public. You witnessed it. But you admitted that she did not treat you and Kevin that way. And Jamie has maintained that she was a good mother- she wasn't awful to her son. So basically you have witnessed only limited and targeted meanness- directed only to one person.

 

When the four of you started hanging out, she reached out to you in friendship (not knowing you had already picked sides by then and were seeing Jamie as the victim). I think you are basically a very empathetic person. Maybe she sensed this and therefore felt free to openly show her hostility to him- assuming you would understand or see that she was justified. The fact that she reached out to you afterwards could mean she had no doubt in her mind that you, the empathetic person, would intuitively sense her distress and her hurt, and would connect with her. Otherwise it would be completely inexplicable why, after behaving as she did, she felt you were a good candidate for a friend.

 

But she was wrong about thinking she could have a friendship with you based on your empathy. What if because Jamie kept making demands on your sympathy and empathy, while she stood back after being turned down by you, you were sucked in slowly but surely into Jamie's orbit? You were growing increasingly indignant on behalf of Jamie. We talked earlier on this thread about why you were quick to decide that he was the victim. I asked if you had a version of the KISA complex and you said you did....you want to rescue people in trouble. Maybe you need to rescue people. Jamie was smart enough to sense this after you first expressed support for him....and he made sure he would appear to be the poor wronged abused victim. He might even have convinced himself he was after seeing you respond to his representation of her. But he was a lot more manipulative than she was- she in contrast was honest but clumsy. So she lost you and he got you on his side.

 

Eventually, Kevin gave up and left, and you got pulled in more and more into an advocacy role for Jamie. At one point he was so confident he'd won you over that he actually acted out when you resisted his plans. He got absurdly sulky when you told him you weren't given in to his (ridiculously timed) request for a sneaky little weekend away- and this is something he wanted immediately after he moved to that hotel, knowing very well that a bomb was about to explode in his marriage and showing no qualms about any fallout that might end up on you. You followed the advice of your therapist and other posters and told him you wanted him to sort out his mess of a life- especially at this incredibly complicated moment- before you could connect with him. He instantly blameshifted on you, and implied you were selfish in wanting to drag him out of the marriage because you were putting your needs ahead of his son's. That email he sent you was so shocking to me. Incredibly immature, self-serving, whiny, and selfish. If you go back and read that awful email he sent you in his fit of pique, how else can it be explained? He was blameshifting on you- on you, the person he supposedly cares for. If he could do that to you, isn't it possible that he also has been blameshifting on his wife? And that he's sulked and acted immaturely around her as well?

 

So where are we now? Bottom line: Jamie MIGHT be in the process of moving out. He MIGHT have given some ultimatum to his wife. He MIGHT have filed for separation. She MIGHT have caught on to your role in this whole thing. But the operative word is MIGHT. As far as I can tell none of this has actually been established, and so you cannot act on it. At any rate, at this point, there's little you can initiate beyond actual hard NC. His actions and your partial acquiescence to his wishes (ie, doing LC rather than NC) might end up exposing you even if you did go fully NC now.

 

If that happens, it will indeed get ugly, as posters here are saying. However, and this is speculation, I'm wondering if a small part of you- the KISA part- might actually be ok with that, because you have been spoiling for an open confrontation, one in which you'll finally get to express your outrage. It's at Jamie's behest that all of this miserable secrecy has shrouded the whole experience- not yours. So a part of you may be ok even being outed. Therefore if you are trying to pull back, then reminding yourself of the bomb about to explode might just not be enough.

 

I think something that will upset you much much more, and that might make you get wholeheartedly behind the project of distancing yourself, is if as an empathetic person, you were to discover that your empathy was misplaced all along. Therefore this outcome too is one you should consider and try to protect yourself from. In other words, keep checking to see that you are gifting the right person with your empathy.

 

So consider these alternative explanations- and ask yourself if it really is impossible given what you know. What if all along she was the one in need of a friend, the one who was isolated, and the one who had been emotionally abused by something- maybe even him/ What if he in contrast, has been playing up the image you have of him consciously or unconsciously? What if his bad behavior, his manipulation of you, his blameshifting on you, all on him and cannot be laid at her door? I keep going back to how she was with him when you and Kevin first started hanging out with them. Honestly, I have such a strong intuitive feeling that she behaved that way toward him because she felt deeply wounded by him, and was so hurt she can't stop lashing out at him in public. But she stayed with him because of their son or because she loved him. Moreover, she isn't strategic or cunning enough to try to control her public image. She isn't manipulative, or she would have protected herself from your disdain by never lashing out at him in public.

 

It's a marriage that has such a miserable sad history- so much hurt and tragedy, the miscarriage being the lowest point. So so sad. No outsider who has only partial facts and who hasn't heard the story from both sides should ever take a central role as the mess plays out. I think you do see that and you've tried to protect yourself- and sought some distance. You've also intellectually conceded earlier in the thread that maybe the BS isn't an overall monster. But your empathy and compassion are still exclusively with Jamie. What if your need to be a KISA is driving your interpretation of the facts- and what if it has misled you into assigning the role of the victim to the person who's screaming most loudly for your help? Not the one who actually is the victim but doesn't know how to play the role? I think if you do accept this as a plausible explanation, then it, even more than the awful fallout that might happen, will ultimately help you gain perspective on Jamie and what your future with him might look like.

 

Finally, here's my ultimate what if: it might seem way too speculative, but ask yourself what in the facts you know actually contradicts it. There's a miscarriage and infertility in this whole mix somewhere. What if she's so upset at him because he cheated on her in the past? And to take this speculation even further, what if his cheating on her gave her an STD which eventually caused the infertility? To my mind this would completely explain how she treated him in public. Of course this is extremely speculative, maybe extremely implausible- but then so is the theory you have constructed based on the very little that you actually know.

 

Pink Sunset, I've felt all along and I've said that your motives have been good and even honorable- but possibly very misguided. Sorry to have written a whole long novel here- but I was getting concerned that the healthy skepticism you'd shown earlier was beginning to disappear. Of course by the time I post this more stuff might have happened making it completely redundant. Sorry in advance if that's the case.

 

Just as an experiment, open your heart to her...and see what happens.

 

And finally I wish you the very very best. I think you deserve to find someone who is ultimately as generous and empathetic as you are.

 

You're right I haven't really thought of it in that perspective at all. At this point I can't really reach out to her as a friend because of what has gone on. Any of that is possible it's just very hard for me to see Jamie as a manipulator or someone who set out to do any of this which I don't believe he did.

Jamie didn't turn us against his wife before she did that in front of us. She was doing it and Kevin and I put up with it a few times before we decided it made us uncomfortable and distanced ourselves. Jamie asked why basically, and I told him. I think if I had made up some sugar coated reason, Jamie and I wouldn't be in this right now. Kevin and I would still be together. It is the littlest thing that changed everything I guess.

I think if I did reach out to her and she ended up finding out about Jamie and I, I can't imagine the betrayal she would feel even more so. I suppose then my friendship would be fake. I wouldn't want to do that to Jamie because ultimately I am on his side, even if I shouldn't be on anyone's.

 

His email that day was shocking to me as well. I'd never seen that side of

him and I haven't seen it yet again. It did make me look at everything a bit differently though. That maybe his wife wasn't a complete monster. I still don't think she is a monster per say, I don't agree with some of the things she is doing. I am not putting myself in her shoes and maybe if I did I would understand more. Part of me doesn't want to understand more. I wouldn't want my husband to do the things Jamie has done.

 

Thanks for your input, you have always seemed to understand me better. I will keep keeping everyone updated on my story

[PinkSunset]

Have you discussed your KISA with your therapist? Does your therapist know you're involved with a MM?

 

Yes she is the one who told me I have it a few years ago and yes she knows about MM now.

She thinks if I am worried his wife knows after the two incidents that maybe Jamie and I should discuss telling her. If I don't want to tell her, she thinks I should keep on LC/NC. She wants me to concentrate on myself and being healthy and says Jamie will get in the way of that with the stress of the end of his marriage.

I don't know what to do.

 

I know, it's really tough having these feelings about someone else, but then having them be ultimately unavailable to you. I felt exactly as you describe above. The thing is, there are others in the world who can make you feel this way. Don't forget that. If Jamie doesn't work out, it may take you a while to find someone after Jamie, but it's very likely that you will, eventually, find someone.

 

I guess it's just hard to see myself with anyone else after all I have done for the last few months is picture myself with Jamie, free and happy. I know I will move on from it if I have to and find someone that will treat me well.... I'm just not ready for it.

[S2B]

You said if Jaimie were your husband you wouldn't want him to have done the things he has done.

 

 

But he has done them. This IS who he IS. This IS what he does. And it's what he would do to you too - if you were to become his wife.

 

I hope you consider that with some serious thought.

 

And I agree with your counselor - you don't want to be involved while this is happening. Nothing about it will be easy. You need to focus on being healthy for yourself - and that's impossible when your so focused on what Jaimie is or isn't doing.

 

His email concerns me - he has a side that's really not nice. Please be cautious now that you are aware that he's capable of being that way.

[elaine567]

I guess it's just hard to see myself with anyone else after all I have done for the last few months is picture myself with Jamie, free and happy.

 

But it is never really going to be free and happy because he will always have the ex wife and his son in the picture.

She is always going to be there, texting, calling, asking him to come round as his son needs him, attending events at the school with him, being a pain in the butt, being awkward, pecking away at your relationship...

 

Also how do you react when Jamie brings home a nice young female work acquaintance and her bf, to socialise with the two of you and he excitedly fires up the bbq and pours her a glass of wine...????

[S2B]

You've had a few months and are that connected to him?

 

I'm sure after being with her husband for years - she thought she was more than THAT connected with him.

 

The common link here is HIM - maybe he isn't THAT connected to either one - more so just thinking of himself and how to get HIS ego stroked.

 

I wouldn't want any man that needs ego strokes at the cost of hurting others. This tells us more about HIM than either of you two women.

[PinkSunset]

But it is never really going to be free and happy because he will always have the ex wife and his son in the picture.

She is always going to be there, texting, calling, asking him to come round as his son needs him, attending events at the school with him, being a pain in the butt, being awkward, pecking away at your relationship...

 

Also how do you react when Jamie brings home a nice young female work acquaintance and her bf, to socialise with the two of you and he excitedly fires up the bbq and pours her a glass of wine...????

 

Just thinking of that makes me sick to my stomach. I guess I am being naive when I think he won't do that to me... But really, I don't think he will. This isn't something he DOES. It is something he DID. He was lost, confused and lonely and he dealt with it by turning to me which wasn't the right thing to do.

Inviting business colleagues over etc is something we can do together in the future. I enjoy this as well. For this scenario to come up again is just not likely.

 

If he wants all of the things I want, and he does, we should be okay. I do enjoy his son and I know the mother will be involved but she won't be in our relationship she will just be the co-parent. There is no need for them to discuss anything other than their son when that time comes. If they attend events and concerts etc I should be able to go too. If Jamie and I have any children together I wouldn't want his son to feel indifferent or left out. I plan on doing my best when it comes to him.

[PinkSunset]

You've had a few months and are that connected to him?

 

I'm sure after being with her husband for years - she thought she was more than THAT connected with him.

 

The common link here is HIM - maybe he isn't THAT connected to either one - more so just thinking of himself and how to get HIS ego stroked.

 

I wouldn't want any man that needs ego strokes at the cost of hurting others. This tells us more about HIM than either of you two women.

 

Most MM hang on for sex, and Jamie hasn't gotten that from me yet. So whats he hanging onto? He obviously feels something for me... Something enough that he sees a happier future.

 

He is trying to make himself happier and improve his future. I don't think he is trying to hurt anyone even if he has indirectly done so. Should he have stayed in the marriage then?

 

I can't fathom living unhappily. That is why I put a stop to my misery and told Jamie he had to make a decision. I feel a lot better now knowing he isn't coming over every week behind his wife's back. I feel better knowing he is in his own house and I could, if I wanted to, go there whenever I want.

[PinkSunset]

Also wanted to FYI that my therapist said I am wearing rose coloured glasses. She said I act like he has done nothing wrong when in fact he has, the way he has deceived his wife isn't right even if she is abusive. It shows character. She wants me to snap out of it and stop seeing him as a victim, he is a grown man... I struggle.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Also wanted to FYI that my therapist said I am wearing rose coloured glasses. She said I act like he has done nothing wrong when in fact he has, the way he has deceived his wife isn't right even if she is abusive. It shows character. She wants me to snap out of it and stop seeing him as a victim, he is a grown man... I struggle.

 

I think that is what everyone on the board is encouraging too. If it walks like a duck and talks like duck- is it a duck?

[S2B]

Most MM hang on for sex, and Jamie hasn't gotten that from me yet. So whats he hanging onto? He obviously feels something for me... Something enough that he sees a happier future.

 

He is trying to make himself happier and improve his future. I don't think he is trying to hurt anyone even if he has indirectly done so. Should he have stayed in the marriage then?

 

I can't fathom living unhappily. That is why I put a stop to my misery and told Jamie he had to make a decision. I feel a lot better now knowing he isn't coming over every week behind his wife's back. I feel better knowing he is in his own house and I could, if I wanted to, go there whenever I want.

 

What's he hanging onto?

 

The possibility of new sex. The idea that you WILL rescue him from himself... You've lead him to believe that by simply listening to his problems and encouraging him to change it. The thing is - HE needs to do this - he needs to rescue HIMSELF!

 

He either will or he won't. It is for him to do.

[awkward]

Most MM hang on for sex, and Jamie hasn't gotten that from me yet. So whats he hanging onto?

 

What are you hanging onto? You haven't got what you want but you are still there...