Emotional Affair

[Joie]

You have tunnel vision while wearing rose colored glasses.

 

This is going to sound mean but not to hurt you but to show you the truth.

 

You better hope that Jamie is a pig and his wife is a saint because when she finds out that you were the reason her marriage blew up she could very well ruin your life if she is feeling vindictive. You are not saving Jamie you are acting like a cancer on their marriage. You are sucking time, energy and resources from her family. Given that you have a similar circle of friends and have now run into her and she has called you it is very possible she will blow up your little fantasy. (I know I did and I actually thought I took it pretty easy on the OW). But in reality she is going to tell every female she knows to stay away from you because you can't be trusted. Women in general are not going to want to be around you. You and Jamie are not going to be invited to hang out with other couples because you can't be trusted. Jamie's son isn't going to be invited to events that you will be at because you can't be trusted. You seem to think because you didn't sleep with her husband you aren't a bad person. In this case you will come out as the bad person. Your best case scenario is that she sees him as scum and just wants him out of her life. If for whatever reason she wants to keep him I think you are going to regret your behavior.

[JLeaks3]

You have tunnel vision while wearing rose colored glasses.

 

This is going to sound mean but not to hurt you but to show you the truth.

 

You better hope that Jamie is a pig and his wife is a saint because when she finds out that you were the reason her marriage blew up she could very well ruin your life if she is feeling vindictive. You are not saving Jamie you are acting like a cancer on their marriage. You are sucking time, energy and resources from her family. Given that you have a similar circle of friends and have now run into her and she has called you it is very possible she will blow up your little fantasy. (I know I did and I actually thought I took it pretty easy on the OW). But in reality she is going to tell every female she knows to stay away from you because you can't be trusted. Women in general are not going to want to be around you. You and Jamie are not going to be invited to hang out with other couples because you can't be trusted. Jamie's son isn't going to be invited to events that you will be at because you can't be trusted. You seem to think because you didn't sleep with her husband you aren't a bad person. In this case you will come out as the bad person. Your best case scenario is that she sees him as scum and just wants him out of her life. If for whatever reason she wants to keep him I think you are going to regret your behavior.

 

I agree. OP and Jamie are trying hard to come out of this unscathed, but at the end of the day, you only have your integrity and once that's gone then what do you have left? Even if his wife couldn't put 2 and 2 together, Kevin will surely know what's up and he may or may not let the cat out of the bag at what transpired and caused the end of their relationship. But as we've seen, he's more of a man that Jamie will ever hope to be anyway. Maybe if the BS had an honorable man like Kevin to love and honor her, she wouldn't be disrespecting him like she does Jamie. Food for thought.

[S2B]

Do you think he would divorce her if you disappeared? IF heis divorcing her ONLY to be with you then you are definitely in the middle of his marriage. IF he's not then he should be ok divorcing her even if you went dark on him for at least 18 months until his $hit storm passes.

 

Staying out of the marriage they have had is only a matter of being decent and respectful - but now you are placed within THEIR marriage mainly because you listened to him and became close. You are capable of connecting with another man in this way if you put the time and energy into an available man - hopefully a healthy man that doesn't need rescuing.

 

 

You can't have it both ways - saying you intend to stay out of it but knowing you're smack dab in the middle of everything they do or don't do is not staying out of it?

 

Can you see why your therapist has suggested that to you? Can you see the difference between talking about staying out of it and actually doing that?

 

The actions must match the words... You can't have it both ways and claim it's something it's not.

[GollumsNightmare]

Originally Posted by PinkSunset

Also wanted to FYI that my therapist said I am wearing rose coloured glasses. She said I act like he has done nothing wrong when in fact he has, the way he has deceived his wife isn't right even if she is abusive. It shows character. She wants me to snap out of it and stop seeing him as a victim, he is a grown man...

 

Your therapist and 30+ PAGES of people telling you the SAME darn thing, yet you "struggle". Let us know how that works out for ya. You can't say you weren't warned! If I were you, I would print out her advice: "She wants me to snap out of it and stop seeing him as a victim, he is a grown man" and hang it somewhere you will see it often to be reminded.

 

Snap out of it!

[GollumsNightmare]

I just wanted to add, I was the OW to an older guy earlier in life. I was so, so sure the man was my soul mate. When he had to move for his job I was devastated. I had the, "if only he had met me FIRST" mentality when it came to his marriage.

 

Many years later, long after the A was over, I found out that he had many other women he was playing At SAME TIME as me. I felt so stupid. Players are going to play, and some of them are very good at it. They are good at playing the victim of their terribly "abusive" wife. I had no one to blame but myself. I fell for his bull. I was terribly ashamed of my actions after it was over. The wife never found out about me, but she found out about others. The guilt affected me for decades.Decades.

 

The rest of us can see it in your situation, yet you are still wearing your rose colored glasses.

 

This is not going to end well. You know that by now, don't you? YOU are the one that is going to be hurt in the end. I am sorry for that.

[S2B]

Also wanted to FYI that my therapist said I am wearing rose coloured glasses. She said I act like he has done nothing wrong when in fact he has, the way he has deceived his wife isn't right even if she is abusive. It shows character. She wants me to snap out of it and stop seeing him as a victim, he is a grown man... I struggle.

 

Pink - you are paying big money for professional guidance (and for help for yourself)! Why aren't you doing what the therapist suggests? You may as well be throwing your money away if you're not planning to take the therapists suggestions and try them for at least 6 months to see how you feel about the changes suggested.

 

What recommendation was made by the therapist about the new guy (friend from long ago) that you met up with?

[Tread Carefully]

How are you doing, Pink?

 

I hope you are fine and will continue to come back here and update us on your story.

 

I don't see things in black and white. I believe everyone's journey and their stories are different and personal, uniquely their own. Outcomes vary.

 

I wish you well.

[William]

Moderator bump by original William to allow an update from the thread starter.

[PinkSunset]

Hi LS

Just wanted to stop by and update a little bit since I haven’t been back for a few weeks.

 

MM and I went a week without talking after he came over to my place and saw flowers on my counter from my school friend. He accused me of distancing myself because of this other guy. I explained the flowers meant nothing but he didn’t really believe me. I cried every day that week, I called in sick to work and could barely get out of bed. I did manage to make it to therapy that week and she gave me some exercises to do at home which helped. I have had some pretty crappy breakups in my life but I have to say I don’t think I have ever been so heartbroken…

 

I eventually picked myself up though because I couldn’t keep wallowing and wouldn’t you know a couple days later he shows up at my door unannounced. I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see him in my life. We couldn’t stop hugging, kissing etc… It led to sex. Passionate, crazy, loving, unexplainably the type you see in movies sex.

Since then, we haven’t stopped. I can’t get enough of him and him of me. I have been to his house several times now and slept over. I don’t care if his wife sees my car anymore. I am all in, I love this man.

 

Well, that was until last night when she showed up to his house with their son and I was there. He answered the door, and I was in the kitchen where you can see from the door way otherwise we may have had a chance at explaining... He didn’t know she was coming.

She looked like her heart sank a million miles into the ground. She looked at me with the most shock and disgust I have ever seen on a person’s face… If she didn’t know before she definitely knows now. She started to call Jamie every name in the book and was starting to cause a scene. I stayed out of it, I mean what could I say or do? We couldn’t just say I was there for business because I was dressed in his tshirt. He followed her to the car and I stayed inside but I could hear her yelling. I felt so terrible for his son, having to see that. I feel terrible for all of this because I see the pain we’ve caused them. No matter the way she’s been to him, it was clear in her face that she still loves him.

When he came back he apologized to me like crazy. I told him he should be apologizing to her not me because it wasn’t nice for her to find out this way. He said he did apologize to her but is going to give it a few days before he tries to talk to her about it all...but today things have been normal for us as far as communication goes.

He told me she’s been texting him a lot saying some nasty stuff. She has also texted me calling me some horrible things. I haven't responded... I don't know if I should.

 

Okay lets hear it

[S2B]

Hi LS

Just wanted to stop by and update a little bit since I haven’t been back for a few weeks.

 

MM and I went a week without talking after he came over to my place and saw flowers on my counter from my school friend. He accused me of distancing myself because of this other guy. I explained the flowers meant nothing but he didn’t really believe me. I cried every day that week, I called in sick to work and could barely get out of bed. I did manage to make it to therapy that week and she gave me some exercises to do at home which helped. I have had some pretty crappy breakups in my life but I have to say I don’t think I have ever been so heartbroken…

 

I eventually picked myself up though because I couldn’t keep wallowing and wouldn’t you know a couple days later he shows up at my door unannounced. I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see him in my life. We couldn’t stop hugging, kissing etc… It led to sex. Passionate, crazy, loving, unexplainably the type you see in movies sex.

Since then, we haven’t stopped. I can’t get enough of him and him of me. I have been to his house several times now and slept over. I don’t care if his wife sees my car anymore. I am all in, I love this man.

 

Well, that was until last night when she showed up to his house with their son and I was there. He answered the door, and I was in the kitchen where you can see from the door way otherwise we may have had a chance at explaining... He didn’t know she was coming.

She looked like her heart sank a million miles into the ground. She looked at me with the most shock and disgust I have ever seen on a person’s face… If she didn’t know before she definitely knows now. She started to call Jamie every name in the book and was starting to cause a scene. I stayed out of it, I mean what could I say or do? We couldn’t just say I was there for business because I was dressed in his tshirt. He followed her to the car and I stayed inside but I could hear her yelling. I felt so terrible for his son, having to see that. I feel terrible for all of this because I see the pain we’ve caused them. No matter the way she’s been to him, it was clear in her face that she still loves him.

When he came back he apologized to me like crazy. I told him he should be apologizing to her not me because it wasn’t nice for her to find out this way. He said he did apologize to her but is going to give it a few days before he tries to talk to her about it all...but today things have been normal for us as far as communication goes.

He told me she’s been texting him a lot saying some nasty stuff. She has also texted me calling me some horrible things. I haven't responded... I don't know if I should.

 

Okay lets hear it

 

Yep - it's all because he's been a liar to her. She obviously thought it would be fine to drop by - or she wouldn't have had the son along.

 

What exercises did the counselor give you? Did you do them? What have you realized about YOURSELF?

 

 

Putting MM aside - what is it about you that your therapist has asked you to change that you haven't yet changed?

 

Did he file for D? When will it be final?

[PinkSunset]

Yep - it's all because he's been a liar to her. She obviously thought it would be fine to drop by - or she wouldn't have had the son along.

 

What exercises did the counselor give you? Did you do them? What have you realized about YOURSELF?

 

 

Putting MM aside - what is it about you that your therapist has asked you to change that you haven't yet changed?

 

Did he file for D? When will it be final?

 

He told me she just found out where he lives the day before, because she is supposed to drop his son off on Friday. He never gave her any indication she could stop by whenever she wants. Maybe because of his son, but you would think she could have given him a text or call saying so?

Our theory is she did a drive by to see where his house was and saw my car there and decided to investigate.

 

I had to do pros and cons, 3 things I think I should apologize to myself for.. etc. Mostly written type things to myself.

 

She has told me to keep my distance and to work on my willpower with MM and I did the exact opposite. I don't regret it but I do wish his wife hadn't found out this way.

 

He can't file for a D until 1 year of separation has passed. It may change now if she decides to say he was committing adultery which I wouldn't doubt. There is really no proof of us together before her seeing us though, so he could say it happened after separation .. which technically we didn't sleep together until after he left.

[SoulCat]

Well now you're in the midst of a shytestorm of your own making.

You've been advised by numerous posters to stay clear of this guy until he was properly divorced.

You chose not to heed that advice and plowed ahead regardless.

 

 

Now you will have to face up to the fact that you are a major factor in breaking up a little boy's safe family unit.

That he will grow up with a part-time dad.

That he will have to see his mum's tears, anguish, sadness and despair.

 

 

I hope the great sex was worth it.....

[S2B]

He told me she just found out where he lives the day before, because she is supposed to drop his son off on Friday. He never gave her any indication she could stop by whenever she wants. Maybe because of his son, but you would think she could have given him a text or call saying so?

Our theory is she did a drive by to see where his house was and saw my car there and decided to investigate.

 

I had to do pros and cons, 3 things I think I should apologize to myself for.. etc. Mostly written type things to myself.

 

She has told me to keep my distance and to work on my willpower with MM and I did the exact opposite. I don't regret it but I do wish his wife hadn't found out this way.

 

He can't file for a D until 1 year of separation has passed. It may change now if she decides to say he was committing adultery which I wouldn't doubt. There is really no proof of us together before her seeing us though, so he could say it happened after separation .. which technically we didn't sleep together until after he left.

 

Pink - why are you paying big money for skilled advice but not using what is suggested by a professional?

 

His wife didn't want the son at his place for this exact reason... Now she knows. The consequence may be that he doesn't get to have his son there.

 

What did you expect to happen? You knew every time you were with hi there was a risk that she would be harmed by your actions. Now she knows. Now he's exposed as the liar he's been.

 

This is reality Pink... Stop trying to put frosting on this pile of poop!

 

Take the advice you paid for!

 

I hope you aren't still leading on the school friend?

[PinkSunset]

Well now you're in the midst of a shytestorm of your own making.

You've been advised by numerous posters to stay clear of this guy until he was properly divorced.

You chose not to heed that advice and plowed ahead regardless.

 

 

Now you will have to face up to the fact that you are a major factor in breaking up a little boy's safe family unit.

That he will grow up with a part-time dad.

That he will have to see his mum's tears, anguish, sadness and despair.

 

 

I hope the great sex was worth it.....

 

That's exactly it though, I was so caught up in this emotional turmoil that I let my guard down and went full force. I let it continue because everything was bliss.... But then I woke up and I feel SO terrible.

 

One of the messages she sent me today asked me how long it's been going on, and if I was a real woman I would answer her and tell her the truth. That I should stop being a selfish B**** and do whats right.

 

It's killing me not responding. I want to tell her I am sorry at least.

[SoulCat]

I want to tell her I am sorry at least.

 

But you are not sorry.

 

Maybe you're sorry for being caught, but absolutely no way are you sorry for pursuing her husband for all these months.

 

 

If you had been, you would have stopped things with him ages ago.

[PinkSunset]

Pink - why are you paying big money for skilled advice but not using what is suggested by a professional?

 

His wife didn't want the son at his place for this exact reason... Now she knows. The consequence may be that he doesn't get to have his son there.

 

What did you expect to happen? You knew every time you were with hi there was a risk that she would be harmed by your actions. Now she knows. Now he's exposed as the liar he's been.

 

This is reality Pink... Stop trying to put frosting on this pile of poop!

 

Take the advice you paid for!

 

I hope you aren't still leading on the school friend?

 

His wife didn't want his son there because she was being difficult. He would not have had me there with the son. She shouldn't have been stopping by, and when she saw my car there she should have left their son in the car! She knew, the moment she saw my car, she is not stupid. She wanted her son to see what a terrible man his father is.

 

I have tried my best to take the advice of my therapist. I have done everything she asked... It was just so hard for me to resist after the heartbreak. She doesn't know any of whats happened yet.

 

The school friend - I told him after he kept coming on strong that I wasn't wanting anything. He said women like me don't come around often and to let him know when I was ready. I thought that was the end of it, but I got another batch of flowers... then the whole fight with Jamie happened and I ignored him for a week. I don't want to talk to him. When someone tells you to back off, you back off of them... You don't smother them with more flowers and gifts. He's borderline stalker.

[PinkSunset]

But you are not sorry.

 

Maybe you're sorry for being caught, but absolutely no way are you sorry for pursuing her husband for all these months.

 

 

If you had been, you would have stopped things with him ages ago.

 

 

I wasn't sorry until now... yet part of me still blames her for stopping by unexpectedly. She could have saved herself a lot of pain. The son being there was unnecessary. Maybe I'm just a sh*tty person.

[SoulCat]

His wife didn't want his son there because she was being difficult. He would not have had me there with the son. She shouldn't have been stopping by, and when she saw my car there she should have left their son in the car! She knew, the moment she saw my car, she is not stupid. She wanted her son to see what a terrible man his father is.

 

 

For the love of gravy, stop putting the blame on his wife!

She, as his wife, has every right and reason to swing by his place with their child.

 

And do you really expect her, after having seen your car, to have changed her mind and driven home?? Hell no, she would have wanted to have her suspicions confirmed. Which she duly did, by finding you dressed in his gear in his kitchen.

 

No, she is not stupid. That's why she needed confirmation for his shifty behaviour. She found it, it's you.

[BuddyX]

Your flower friend is a creeper. He's also a big Pu**y if he's waiting for a woman. Tell him you're not interested. Period.

As far as your MM. Cut bait now. Is your self esteem so low that you can't live without a married man?

 

Odds are, he'll spend the next few months apologizing to his wife. If you thought you were on the back burner, just wait.

[ChickiePops]

I wasn't sorry until now... yet part of me still blames her for stopping by unexpectedly. She could have saved herself a lot of pain. The son being there was unnecessary. Maybe I'm just a sh*tty person.

 

You blame her for stopping by to see HER HUSBAND with their SON??? I mean...you cannot be serious.

[PinkSunset]

For the love of gravy, stop putting the blame on his wife!

She, as his wife, has every right and reason to swing by his place with their child.

 

And do you really expect her, after having seen your car, to have changed her mind and driven home?? Hell no, she would have wanted to have her suspicions confirmed. Which she duly did, by finding you dressed in his gear in his kitchen.

 

No, she is not stupid. That's why she needed confirmation for his shifty behaviour. She found it, it's you.

 

You're right you're right you're right. I don't blame her for stopping by. I just wish she left the kid in the car

 

 

Your flower friend is a creeper. He's also a big Pu**y if he's waiting for a woman. Tell him you're not interested. Period.

As far as your MM. Cut bait now. Is your self esteem so low that you can't live without a married man?

 

Odds are, he'll spend the next few months apologizing to his wife. If you thought you were on the back burner, just wait.

 

He IS a creeper. I have told him several times I am not interested. He keeps lingering. I even told him I am still in love with someone else. Still sent flowers.

 

I don't have low self esteem. I can get any man I want. I don't want him to be married.

If that's what happens then I will move on and won't look back.

 

I am on the verge of just packing up and running away. I could start over anywhere without MM and without some old school friend stalking me.

[PinkSunset]

You blame her for stopping by to see HER HUSBAND with their SON??? I mean...you cannot be serious.

 

She wasn't stopping by to visit. She was driving by to see where he lived, to check the address and she saw my car there and that's when she decided to check. She should have left him in the car if she was suspicious. It was terrible judgement on her part there so yes I blame her for that.

[SoulCat]

She should have left him in the car if she was suspicious. It was terrible judgement on her part there so yes I blame her for that.

 

Because you don't leave little kids in a car unattended. And because they were visiting her husband, the little boy's dad.

 

 

She had every right to bring him out. Stop, just stop blaming her for what comes naturally to her as a mum. Just. stop.

[PinkSunset]

Because you don't leave little kids in a car unattended. And because they were visiting her husband, the little boy's dad.

 

 

She had every right to bring him out. Stop, just stop blaming her for what comes naturally to her as a mum. Just. stop.

 

He's 7 not 2! You can see the driveway clearly from the front door. If I thought I was about to catch my husband with another woman I sure as shyt would not bring my kid to the door! But that's just me. Clearly you think it was okay for him to be there through all that, hearing all that, seeing all that

 

This had nothing to do with her bringing the son to see the dad other than for him to see what a terrible person he is. Well I am sure it worked because we are terrible people who have hurt them both.

[BuddyX]

While I wont be as harsh as previous post (although they're dead on), just remember the son saw everything. That means Daddy will do anything and everything in his power to become a perfect parent from this point on.

 

Incidents like this will stay with a child. Odds are, the son will need therapy.