Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

Nothing to do with her?

Her sister and nephew are hurting and devastated here.

 

Yes, nothing to do with her. Yes, they are hurting so support them.. Messaging me is doing absolutely nothing.

 

What you are doing with a married man is far more "disgusting" than his wife's sister and her text messages to you. You brought them on yourself.

 

Sure, but not 60+ messages in 8 hours.

[Robert]

Folks,

 

We have community guidelines all posters must post within. We've banned two more members permanently and suggest watching what you post before you are next.

 

~6

Edited June 22, 2016 by Robert
banned another member ~6

[Lobe]

[]

 

No we didn't use condoms and I highly doubt he has an STD. No one who has regular sex goes that quickly the first time...

 

And I know love shouldn't feel this way. I haven't sent the email yet but I did have 48 new text messages on my phone when I looked at it. I wonder what else her disgusting sister does with her time during the day besides harass people that have nothing to do with her.

 

I think you need to read up on how stimulation/ejaculation works. If he hasn't been with his wife (and that's a really big *if*) then he's been playing the willy whistle on his own. In fact, lots of guys prep for a sexual encounter by snapping one off beforehand... but maybe Saint James doesn't masturbate.

 

For the record, I wasn't worried about YOU getting an STD, but Jamie's wife... YOU got to make a choice about whether to have unprotected sex with him, but she didn't. (yes, yes, it was a sexless marriage, I know - they always are...)

 

[]

 

PS you can block the numbers you're getting harassing texts from. Unless you love the drama.

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lobe]

Yes, nothing to do with her. Yes, they are hurting so support them.. Messaging me is doing absolutely nothing.

 

 

 

Sure, but not 60+ messages in 8 hours.

 

accepting the texts is self-flagellation... make it stop... for your own sanity

[ChickiePops]

Yes, nothing to do with her. Yes, they are hurting so support them.. Messaging me is doing absolutely nothing.

 

 

 

Sure, but not 60+ messages in 8 hours.

 

Yes that is excessive. Since you're planning to go NC anyway why not just change your number?

[S2B]

Can you get in to see your therapist right away?

 

I think some professional guidance could help you get through these difficult days...

[PinkSunset]

I already blocked the number but the texts kept coming through. So far none today though.

 

Also, I don't want to change my number just yet. I am sure she will stop at some point if she hasn't already. I'm not overly worried about Jamie contacting me. I sent him an email last night and he responded saying he understood and would try his best to stay away for now. It hurts.

 

I see my therapist tonight.

[PinkSunset]

Folks,

 

We have community guidelines all posters must post within. We've banned two more members permanently and suggest watching what you post before you are next.

 

~6

 

There has been quite a few people banned from this thread already. Jeez, my story seems to be bringing out the worst in people.

 

Can anyone tell me - Is it like this on all the other threads or just mine?

[S2B]

I already blocked the number but the texts kept coming through. So far none today though.

 

Also, I don't want to change my number just yet. I am sure she will stop at some point if she hasn't already. I'm not overly worried about Jamie contacting me. I sent him an email last night and he responded saying he understood and would try his best to stay away for now. It hurts.

 

I see my therapist tonight.

 

On my phone - there is a text feature where I can put any number on a "do not disturb" feature. Does your phone have that feature?

 

Jaimie saying he would do his best for 'now'? What kind of crap is that? He either will or he won't! Tell him to respect you!

 

This isn't about what he wants anymore Pink - you must take charge of YOUR life and your future.

 

If it's toxic for him to be around you - then he should respect you and stay away.

[PinkSunset]

On my phone - there is a text feature where I can put any number on a "do not disturb" feature. Does your phone have that feature?

 

Jaimie saying he would do his best for 'now'? What kind of crap is that? He either will or he won't! Tell him to respect you!

 

This isn't about what he wants anymore Pink - you must take charge of YOUR life and your future.

 

If it's toxic for him to be around you - then he should respect you and stay away.

 

I left the door open, if I would have said don't contact me again I am sure he would have been really upset but listened to me. We are both upset and hurting right now. We need each other more than ever, but I don't want to cause more bullcrap between him and his wife because in turn it will affect their son. His son is what he cares about more than anything, I want to support that. He needs to focus on mending any damage there and getting a proper custody agreement in place. His wife more than likely won't cooperate with anything now so... It will be a long process and probably dragged out. I can't mess that up for him.

[Lobe]

There has been quite a few people banned from this thread already. Jeez, my story seems to be bringing out the worst in people.

 

Can anyone tell me - Is it like this on all the other threads or just mine?

 

I think you're special...

 

There's a picnic game you can play with Solo cups called "Landmine." Basically you split into teams and make a maze with 25 or 30 of the cups. Each team elects one person to put on a blindfold and the other members have to help navigate the blindfolded guy through the maze. The winner is the team who crosses the finish line without knocking over any cups. As you can imagine, it ends up with everyone screaming and when the guy in the blindfold fails to listen carefully to the instructions or thinks they can handle it on their own because they think they know where the cups are, it's a bit like watching Godzilla crush a city. The team that invariably wins with the least amount of destruction is the team with the guy who went slowly and listened to the instructions being screamed at him...

 

I can't speak for anyone else but for me I guess that's the way I see it rolled out for you, except it was more like the Solo cup landmines were filled with poop so every misstep just made things sh*ttier and sh*ttier lol. There was absolutely NO reason to barrel on through to the finish line, and you had more voices than you knew what to do with yelling instructions, yet every possible error that could be made, was made. Had you said get your divorce first and had your MM just admitted he was unhappy and left his marriage before the affair began... if he had told his wife he was developing feelings for someone else... had you forced him to go NC with you until he left... had you insisted that the affair not be kept underground after he left... had you not lied to his wife about Kevin or the timeline... SO many opportunities to avoid knocking over the Solo cups...

 

As much as it sounds romantic believing he left his wife for you, based on what you've described I think he left his wife because he was unhappy. Period. You were a symptom of, not the solution to his unhappy marriage. That being said, there was every reason to believe that you guys stood a really good chance of having a relatively normal relationship had you listened to the people screaming at you to slow down and watch your step. Blinded by delusion, what you're seeing now is the aftermath of someone who was too blind and stubborn and impatient to get to the finish line safely. The fallout from the choices you made were in fact 100% preventable, on several occasions.

 

As far as I can tell now, if you really want to do right by everyone, the best thing you can do is leave him and his wife and their child alone so the dust can settle. I don't think he will go back to his wife, but I have a feeling that once the affair fog lifts and the reality of what would be at stake if he wants to continue with you is something that should only be considered with a clear head. And the only way the fog will begin to lift - for BOTH of you - is going full metal NC. Block his number on your phone. Unfriend him on FB. Stop following him on IG. Uninstall words with friends or whatsapp or whatever messenger you've been using.

 

Think about it this way. If you really are just the a lifeline he needed to exit his marriage, do you really want to sit around for the next 6 months enduring the hell that you will endure only to get dumped? If he really wants to be with you, that choice needs to be made out in the open, long after the blood from this battle stops flowing. He needs to tell his wife that he left because he was unhappy NOT because he met you. He needs to make peace with the mother of his child and mourn the loss of his marriage properly, and neither he nor his wife will be able to come to terms with that as long as you're in the picture. Give him the space he should have had when this all started so you can start with a clean slate, if you're going to start at all.

 

Here I am - here WE are - the LS collective, standing at the finish line, yelling at you to remove your blindfold and safely exit the maze until further notice...

[Lobe]

I left the door open...

 

I can't mess that up for him.

 

He already messed it up for himself. Sure, you helped, but you're helping him mess it up more by leaving the door open.

 

Leaving the door open is a really bad idea. For both of you. Slam it shut. Don't let him knock until his divorce is finalized.

 

Take off the blindfold and safely exit the minefield until further notice...

[S2B]

I left the door open, if I would have said don't contact me again I am sure he would have been really upset but listened to me. We are both upset and hurting right now. We need each other more than ever, but I don't want to cause more bullcrap between him and his wife because in turn it will affect their son. His son is what he cares about more than anything, I want to support that. He needs to focus on mending any damage there and getting a proper custody agreement in place. His wife more than likely won't cooperate with anything now so... It will be a long process and probably dragged out. I can't mess that up for him.

 

This is a contradiction Pink... Do you see that?

 

You are rising both sides here - choose one. You can't choose both and mend.

 

He can't choose both and repair that damage HE caused. He still wants both. You're still supporting both by not going full on one way or the other.

[stilltrying16]

Pink, first, I'm sorry about the rape. You are a survivor.

 

I'm glad Jamie is being reasonable.

 

I seem to remember you are co-workers but not in a supervisory relationship one way or another (thank goodness for that).

 

Is this the first time you'll see your therapist post DDay? I am so glad you have her to turn to and that you meet with her often (weekly, IIRC).

 

In the past I think she'd advised you to detach from him- Did she give her reasons- they might be different from the ones that have come up here? Now with DDay behind you I think you need her more than ever to guide you through a difficult transition. I truly hope you leave the meeting with some sense of the healthiest way forward.

 

I think you'll agree that a calm reassessment of new priorities- and your game plan going forward- is in order. Are you planning to bring up any particular issues with her?

 

ETA: I wrote this this morning before reading the later posts- just noticed I hadn't sent it. I haven't caught up with the thread yet; ignore me if you've addressed these things already.

Edited June 23, 2016 by stilltrying16

[S2B]

No contact is not the same as leaving the door open.

 

You leave that door open and you invite in all the bullying those women in his life have to give you.

 

Pink...is this man really worth YOU sacrificing your self esteem and integrity for?

 

Why are YOU handing HIM all of YOUR power?

[PinkSunset]

I think you're special...

 

There's a picnic game you can play with Solo cups called "Landmine." Basically you split into teams and make a maze with 25 or 30 of the cups. Each team elects one person to put on a blindfold and the other members have to help navigate the blindfolded guy through the maze. The winner is the team who crosses the finish line without knocking over any cups. As you can imagine, it ends up with everyone screaming and when the guy in the blindfold fails to listen carefully to the instructions or thinks they can handle it on their own because they think they know where the cups are, it's a bit like watching Godzilla crush a city. The team that invariably wins with the least amount of destruction is the team with the guy who went slowly and listened to the instructions being screamed at him...

 

I can't speak for anyone else but for me I guess that's the way I see it rolled out for you, except it was more like the Solo cup landmines were filled with poop so every misstep just made things sh*ttier and sh*ttier lol. There was absolutely NO reason to barrel on through to the finish line, and you had more voices than you knew what to do with yelling instructions, yet every possible error that could be made, was made. Had you said get your divorce first and had your MM just admitted he was unhappy and left his marriage before the affair began... if he had told his wife he was developing feelings for someone else... had you forced him to go NC with you until he left... had you insisted that the affair not be kept underground after he left... had you not lied to his wife about Kevin or the timeline... SO many opportunities to avoid knocking over the Solo cups...

 

As much as it sounds romantic believing he left his wife for you, based on what you've described I think he left his wife because he was unhappy. Period. You were a symptom of, not the solution to his unhappy marriage. That being said, there was every reason to believe that you guys stood a really good chance of having a relatively normal relationship had you listened to the people screaming at you to slow down and watch your step. Blinded by delusion, what you're seeing now is the aftermath of someone who was too blind and stubborn and impatient to get to the finish line safely. The fallout from the choices you made were in fact 100% preventable, on several occasions.

 

As far as I can tell now, if you really want to do right by everyone, the best thing you can do is leave him and his wife and their child alone so the dust can settle. I don't think he will go back to his wife, but I have a feeling that once the affair fog lifts and the reality of what would be at stake if he wants to continue with you is something that should only be considered with a clear head. And the only way the fog will begin to lift - for BOTH of you - is going full metal NC. Block his number on your phone. Unfriend him on FB. Stop following him on IG. Uninstall words with friends or whatsapp or whatever messenger you've been using.

 

Think about it this way. If you really are just the a lifeline he needed to exit his marriage, do you really want to sit around for the next 6 months enduring the hell that you will endure only to get dumped? If he really wants to be with you, that choice needs to be made out in the open, long after the blood from this battle stops flowing. He needs to tell his wife that he left because he was unhappy NOT because he met you. He needs to make peace with the mother of his child and mourn the loss of his marriage properly, and neither he nor his wife will be able to come to terms with that as long as you're in the picture. Give him the space he should have had when this all started so you can start with a clean slate, if you're going to start at all.

 

Here I am - here WE are - the LS collective, standing at the finish line, yelling at you to remove your blindfold and safely exit the maze until further notice...

 

Special? What does that mean? You all seem to say all MM are the same, all OW fall for the lies and you've all heard it all before. I would like to know what makes me so different from everyone else that they have this need to crucify me.

 

Good analogy. I do think I was the kicker to him finally leaving but really he was unhappy long before I came. I don't think his wife was happy either for many reasons but her family doesn't believe in divorce. I made him feel happy again, and it made him realize there was much more to life.

Our love didn't happen overnight, it was a longer process based on friendship first. We developed feelings over time at the expense of others and I regret that part. I wish I never hurt my ex but I can't change it.

 

I know I ignored a lot of things here while I took a break, Jamie and I did discuss him telling her, and he planned to do it soon.

 

I am going to stay away, and ignore things from him unless they are truly meaningful or important. I am not going to get caught up in the drama anymore, I can't for my own sanity. He understands all of this. I really don't think I am just a phase to him.

[PinkSunset]

Pink, first, I'm sorry about the rape. You are a survivor.

 

I'm glad Jamie is being reasonable.

 

I seem to remember you are co-workers but not in a supervisory relationship one way or another (thank goodness for that).

 

Is this the first time you'll see your therapist post DDay? I am so glad you have her to turn to and that you meet with her often (weekly, IIRC).

 

In the past I think she'd advised you to detach from him- Did she give her reasons- they might be different from the ones that have come up here? Now with DDay behind you I think you need her more than ever to guide you through a difficult transition. I truly hope you leave the meeting with some sense of the healthiest way forward.

 

I think you'll agree that a calm reassessment of new priorities- and your game plan going forward- is in order. Are you planning to bring up any particular issues with her?

 

ETA: I wrote this this morning before reading the later posts- just noticed I hadn't sent it. I haven't caught up with the thread yet; ignore me if you've addressed these things already.

 

We don't work together. We met during business between our two companies and it was a long project so we got to know one another personally. I am very thankful I don't have to run into him everyday. I'm not one for office relationships.

 

I haven't been back to my therapist for a week. She doesn't even know I slept with him, just that I was heartbroken over not speaking to him. She doesn't know about Dday or anything yet. That is today. I know I will see her disappointed face, which I hate... but I've known her for so long so I think she feels comfortable doing so. I get it, I need it. She wanted me to continue to focus on me and if he tried to make contact to tell him nicely I needed space. That didn't go so well.... but I did do it last night.

 

No contact is not the same as leaving the door open.

 

You leave that door open and you invite in all the bullying those women in his life have to give you.

 

Pink...is this man really worth YOU sacrificing your self esteem and integrity for?

 

Why are YOU handing HIM all of YOUR power?

 

If they continue to harass me I will change my number. I don't plan on replying to anything unless it's needed. I know I can do it, I was doing it before. The door is only open for my own sanity and feelings, not for his.

[Lobe]

Special? What does that mean? You all seem to say all MM are the same, all OW fall for the lies and you've all heard it all before. I would like to know what makes me so different from everyone else that they have this need to crucify me.

 

Good analogy. I do think I was the kicker to him finally leaving but really he was unhappy long before I came. I don't think his wife was happy either for many reasons but her family doesn't believe in divorce. I made him feel happy again, and it made him realize there was much more to life.

Our love didn't happen overnight, it was a longer process based on friendship first. We developed feelings over time at the expense of others and I regret that part. I wish I never hurt my ex but I can't change it.

 

I know I ignored a lot of things here while I took a break, Jamie and I did discuss him telling her, and he planned to do it soon.

 

I am going to stay away, and ignore things from him unless they are truly meaningful or important. I am not going to get caught up in the drama anymore, I can't for my own sanity. He understands all of this. I really don't think I am just a phase to him.

 

You asked if it was just your thread... and your thread does seem like it gets more action than most of the other ones I've read. You're a "special" case that way! lol

 

Are all MM in affairs exactly the same? No. Are there recognizable patterns? Yes. And there are tomes written about it, by experts who study it to put in books and by people who have experienced it and come to places like LS to say, WTF is happening to me? Our stories SOUND eerily alike because the ARE eerily alike.

 

There is nothing meaningful or important in MMs life that concerns you at this time. That ticking time bomb you guys created finally blew up and the building is still on fire. You going anywhere close to it will just get you burnt because you're just more fuel on the fire.

 

If you don't think you're just a phase, then TRUST HIM to sort his crap out and seek you out, in the open, when his divorce is final. Are you worried he will move on if you give him space? Are you worried that he will go back to his wife? "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, then it is yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."

 

I think even LadyH who is married to her AP will tell you that you have to give MM the space he needs to decide what he really wants. This is the start of a long push-pull and until and unless you put your foot down he will take you further underground to protect his BS's feelings, which inevitably means more d-days on the horizon and more turmoil for that poor kid, and of course, indefinite instability and chaos for YOU.

[Lobe]

If they continue to harass me I will change my number. I don't plan on replying to anything unless it's needed. I know I can do it, I was doing it before. The door is only open for my own sanity and feelings, not for his.

 

Block them and it won't matter if they do.

 

And it's open because you WANT him to break NC, frequently, professing his undying love for you...

 

You haven't been NC yet. You've been carrot dangling with a silent invitation for your lover to come hither...

[sophinla]

You with held sex from him for a long time, that's very manipulative. Men do a lot of things for a new woman with the promise of strange sex. Now that he had done it with you, the table will turn. He will be thinking more with his upper head now, and see you for who you are. A woman who does not respect marriage, a woman who cheats on a long term partner, a woman who doesn't give a hoot about familly values and is unsympathetic towards a mother raising a child.

 

Losing that power on your end, plus the hurt to his wife and the negative feelings of his son towards you, your relationship with him more than likely will fall apart. If i were you I would walk away right now before being stripped further of self respect.

Edited June 23, 2016 by sophinla

[ladydesigner]

I already blocked the number but the texts kept coming through. So far none today though.

 

Also, I don't want to change my number just yet. I am sure she will stop at some point if she hasn't already. I'm not overly worried about Jamie contacting me. I sent him an email last night and he responded saying he understood and would try his best to stay away for now. It hurts.

 

I see my therapist tonight.

 

I was just going to ask if you were seeing a therapist. Too much is going on right now. I think you should focus on therapy and tell MM to contact you when divorce is final. I would block everyone's number in the meantime. Get yourself out of this mess and reasses.

[heartwhole]

You with held sex from him for a long time, that's very manipulative. Men do a lot of things for a new woman with the promise of strange sex. Now that he had done it with you, the table will turn. He will be thinking more with his upper head now, and see you for who you are. A woman who does not respect marriage, a woman who cheats on a long term partner, a woman who doesn't give a hoot about familly values and is unsympathetic towards a mother raising a child.

 

Losing that power on your end, plus the hurt to his wife and the negative feelings of his son towards you, your relationship with him more than likely will fall apart. If i were you I would walk away right now before being stripped further of self respect.

 

I don't know if OP would admit to being manipulative, but I have had the thought, "Oh, she's pulling an Anne Boleyn," when reading this story. And oh, how Anne Boleyn triumphs, and oh, how she pays for it later.

 

I haven't read any of the deleted posts, I don't think, so I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're getting that leads you to feel you're being unduly crucified, but I can say that when you suggested that you could assess a man's STD status by how quickly he orgasms, I did think, oh goodness, I don't see how I can help on this thread any more. Clearly you can't know how quickly a man will orgasm until after you've had unprotected sex with him, and this is specious even if you could know, so I personally feel that your current thinking is too mixed up for me to get into the fray.

 

You're not the first person to blame-shift onto innocent parties or to act selfishly or recklessly, but since you did it all after receiving loads of advice on how to avoid those outcomes, then I can see why some people might feel outraged. I personally just thought, "OK, I'm going to pass on this thread from now on" because the possibility that anything I say will be helpful at this point seems too low for it to be worth my time. Still, of course, I don't think you or anyone else is beyond hope, but you will need to claw out of this quagmire that you have recently leapt into.

[PinkSunset]

Block them and it won't matter if they do.

 

And it's open because you WANT him to break NC, frequently, professing his undying love for you...

 

You haven't been NC yet. You've been carrot dangling with a silent invitation for your lover to come hither...

 

Working on it.

 

You with held sex from him for a long time, that's very manipulative. Men do a lot of things for a new woman with the promise of strange sex. Now that he had done it with you, the table will turn. He will be thinking more with his upper head now, and see you for who you are. A woman who does not respect marriage, a woman who cheats on a long term partner, a woman who doesn't give a hoot about familly values and is unsympathetic towards a mother raising a child.

 

Losing that power on your end, plus the hurt to his wife and the negative feelings of his son towards you, your relationship with him more than likely will fall apart. If i were you I would walk away right now before being stripped further of self respect.

 

You don't know what I think of any of those things. And I did not withhold sex from him on purpose or dangle it as a manipulative weapon. I didn't feel right doing it, so I didn't. He respected that. I didn't sleep with him until after he was in his own place and separated. I didn't physically cheat on anyone. I do respect his marriage to a degree, I gave him an ultimatum because what he was doing was wrong.. Sneaking around while living there etc.

I don't think he will break up with me. I think he wants a life with me. If I am wrong so be it. I created this mess as well.

 

I don't know if OP would admit to being manipulative, but I have had the thought, "Oh, she's pulling an Anne Boleyn," when reading this story. And oh, how Anne Boleyn triumphs, and oh, how she pays for it later.

 

I haven't read any of the deleted posts, I don't think, so I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're getting that leads you to feel you're being unduly crucified, but I can say that when you suggested that you could assess a man's STD status by how quickly he orgasms, I did think, oh goodness, I don't see how I can help on this thread any more. Clearly you can't know how quickly a man will orgasm until after you've had unprotected sex with him, and this is specious even if you could know, so I personally feel that your current thinking is too mixed up for me to get into the fray.

 

You're not the first person to blame-shift onto innocent parties or to act selfishly or recklessly, but since you did it all after receiving loads of advice on how to avoid those outcomes, then I can see why some people might feel outraged. I personally just thought, "OK, I'm going to pass on this thread from now on" because the possibility that anything I say will be helpful at this point seems too low for it to be worth my time. Still, of course, I don't think you or anyone else is beyond hope, but you will need to claw out of this quagmire that you have recently leapt into.

 

I guess I should say that, he used the fact that he blew so quickly because he hadn't done it in so long. IME it's usually when they are extremely excited. We probably did it about 15-20 times in those 4 days and he did last longer as it went on... So it's a combination I guess.

 

You don't need to give me advice if you do not wish to. The deleted comments and banned members said some pretty mean things. I seem to have brought out a lot of anger in some folks. I almost wish some of the comments were left just so people could read them. I try not to take any of it to heart because I know no one really knows me here, and if you did you would know I'm not a bad person.

[Maggie888]

Im confused by you saying you dont think he will break up with you. I thought you broke up with him by sending that email. Was it truly a "i am walking away" email? Or was it a "Im gonna say Im walking away but really Ill be rught here and just need you to woo and pursue me and then we will reunite bc our love cant be stopped" email? Do you have any real intention of staying NC? What sort of contact would be "important" such that youd respond yo it like you said?

 

What did it say, will u share with us?

 

I am not a bad person.

 

Maybe depending on different peoples definitions but you are certainly engaging in a very bad hurtful wrong thing. Some say we are what we do. And this is what you are doing.

 

15-20 times over those 4 days

 

Well lets just be glad BW didnt show up with a blacklight I suppose.

[sophinla]

The Ann Bolyn reference is so sunny. I have no problem with women pulling a Ann Bolyn, i actually think it is one of the best power of our sex. The trick to make it work however, is she better have character and integrity to back it up when the man wakes up. In our society where premarital sex is widely accepted, men have the luxury of deciding if a woman is a good long time partner after the sex starts, which means they are more clear headed in these decisions, as they are less influenced by their primal instinct, and 5he woman's character comes into play a lot more.

 

And, any way you spin it, from the man's perspective, when both women lost that "strange sex" advantage, a hurting wife who is nurturing his own young child is looking a lot better than a woman who cheats.

 

Btw, you cheated and seduced another woman's husband, the time frame you have sex with him does not matter. You fell for another woman's husband, left your own marriage, confessed your love and arranged to be together. Then you waited in the dark for him to break up his family, and promptly delivered sex when he did leave. That's some calculated cheating and reward system.

Edited June 23, 2016 by sophinla