Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

Im confused by you saying you dont think he will break up with you. I thought you broke up with him by sending that email. Was it truly a "i am walking away" email? Or was it a "Im gonna say Im walking away but really Ill be rught here and just need you to woo and pursue me and then we will reunite bc our love cant be stopped" email? Do you have any real intention of staying NC? What sort of contact would be "important" such that youd respond yo it like you said?

 

What did it say, will u share with us?

 

 

 

Maybe depending on different peoples definitions but you are certainly engaging in a very bad hurtful wrong thing. Some say we are what we do. And this is what you are doing.

 

 

 

Well lets just be glad BW didnt show up with a blacklight I suppose.

 

I was replying to that he will dump me in the future once he realizes what "I am". He can't hold something against me that he was a part of too.

 

I did end it and said I need space and that he needed to deal with his own crap before we go on. I explained the repercussions of what happened on Monday and he agreed with all of it. He doesn't want me to get hurt any more than I already have either, he doesn't want to hurt his wife or son more than he has. We are on agreement that this is a break without a timeline... I haven't heard from him since and it's painful but I won't crack.

 

The Ann Bolyn reference is so sunny. I have no problem with women pulling a Ann Bolyn, i actually think it is one of the best power of our sex. The trick to make it work however, is she better have character and integrity to back it up when the man wakes up. In our society where premarital sex is widely accepted, men have the luxury of deciding if a woman is a good long time partner after the sex starts, which means they are more clear headed in these decisions, as they are less influenced by their primal instinct, which means character comes into play a lot more.

 

And, any way you spin it, from the man's perspective, when both women lost that "strange sex" advantage, a hurting wife who is nurturing his own young child is looking a lot better than a women who cheats. Btw, you cheated and seduced another woman's husband, the time frame you have sex with him does not matter. You were waiting in the dark for him to break up his family, and promptly delivered sex when he did leave. That's some calculated cheating and reward system.

 

Hmm, I think it might be more comparable if I set out to do all of these things but I didn't. Thank god we can no longer get beheaded, ha.

 

The time line does matter to me... And I did not use the sex as a gift for him moving out, lol. I did plan at one point to do it with him but stopped myself because I knew it was wrong with him leaving me and going back to their house afterward. After he moved out I never even planned on seeing him until months passed... But it didn't turn out that way.

[Maggie888]

You already sound more clearheaded with just 1 day away from taking to him. When he does contact you Id be very very weary of what he says. You have no idea what he has been doing and saying in terms of his wife (or any other female for that matter).. Dont make the mistake of assumimg he is doing and saying exactly as you think he is or would be.

 

At this time he is doing everything he can to somehow repair the hurt to his wife -- at a minimum so they can coparent together and ahe wont make his life hell, and at a maximum so he can keep her that door open if he decides he doesn't want to divorce. Certainly dont assume he isnt acting and behaving as a simgle person either.

 

It really bothers me he told you it was selfish to walk away from this. Its very indicative of his priority being himself over you.

[ladydesigner]

You already sound more clearheaded with just 1 day away from taking to him. When he does contact you Id be very very weary of what he says. You have no idea what he has been doing and saying in terms of his wife (or any other female for that matter).. Dont make the mistake of assumimg he is doing and saying exactly as you think he is or would be.

 

At this time he is doing everything he can to somehow repair the hurt to his wife -- at a minimum so they can coparent together and ahe wont make his life hell, and at a maximum so he can keep her that door open if he decides he doesn't want to divorce. Certainly dont assume he isnt acting and behaving as a simgle person either.

 

It really bothers me he told you it was selfish to walk away from this. Its very indicative of his priority being himself over you.

 

I thought the same exact thing. It actually reminded me of my WH because it is ALWAYS ALL ABOUT HIM. Most WS's are only thinking of themselves, how much they hurt, how much they want, yadda yadda blah blah blah:laugh:

[Maggie888]

Id also like to comment on the "I didnt set out to do all this" (seducing him and falling in love etc). This is something almost universally said by cheaters and APs.

 

The fact is: you did. It occurred that moment you first realized you had feelings or attraction for him beyond a platonic friend. Healthy, "good" people with normal healthy boundaries recognize that moment and back off at that moment. They say "Whoa this is turnung into something i didnt intend that could turn real bad". Then they end the friendship. They dont just say "oh" and barrell foreard regardless of wives and boyfriends and children.

 

So it was at that moment...whenever it was....that you officially set out to engage in behavior you knew was destructive and harmful.

 

Itmay have "just happened" but you let it and facilitated it which is intent

[heartwhole]

The orgasm explanation regarding STDs was simply one example of going back after the fact to come up with your reasoning. It's the same mental gymnastics you did to make it BW's fault that she was blindsided by catching her husband with you. Of course you are emotional and wish to be blameless and reasonable in all of your choices, but you simply can't reframe or rewrite these actions to be reasonable. You do seem to have a grasp on that now, which I know is hard when you are emotionally invested, so keep on down that path and try to check yourself when tempted to whitewash your choices.

[S2B]

What did the therapist say? What were her suggestions for you at this time moving forward?

[ChickiePops]

So you're not moving forward, you're simply putting your life on hold, yes?

[S2B]

So you're not moving forward, you're simply putting your life on hold, yes?

 

This is what it looks like to me...

 

And anytime a person isn't moving forward - they do feel like they are going backwards...

 

Standing still and waiting for him could be a very painful wait.

[PinkSunset]

The therapist wasn't expecting what I told her tonight, she said it's probably set me back quite a bit now that there has been sex involved but I don't agree. Yes it was amazing but it didn't make me any more invested than I already am and I'm thankful for that. She thinks it hasn't hit me yet and suggested taking a vacation to help start NC without being surrounded by triggers. I think this is a good idea. I really do need to get away.

 

She wants me to start writing my thoughts into a journal, I told her I don't need to, that I've been writing my story on a forum lol. She was very interested in what forum and how it's helped me. I didn't tell her it was LS, but I did say it's been very helpful.

 

I sort of feel like at this point I don't need her, that she isn't really helping me. I told her this tonight and she wants me to come for two more sessions and if I still feel the same way then fine. Before when I saw her, she helped me through a lot of crap. I feel I have grown so much since then, I am stronger and have a better head on my shoulders. I ran to her as soon as I was in emotional trouble and I feel okay right now. That I'll make it through.

 

On another note - I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm going to use this time to move forward in my life and try to get over him. If we both stick to NC for a while we will both be in better emotional places in the future to consider a relationship. It really hurts but me being in the situation makes everything worse.

[PinkSunset]

Also - received Facebook request from the wife's sister. I blocked her right away. About 10 minutes later a mysterious account adds me, blocked that too... They must think I am stupid.

[ChickiePops]

First, you're right..therapy isn't helping you. Because you clearly don't listen to your therapist any more than you listen to anyone here. People who aren't ready to help themselves can't be helped by anyone else. Nothing will be ok for you until you're ready to admit how bad it is.

 

Also, 'for now' negates the whole 'moving on' thing. You're still putting your life on hold for this loser. In the meantime, he's probably banging 20 other chicks.

 

Sorry Pink, your Prince Charming is a frog. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can start your real life.

[S2B]

The therapist could be helping you but it's a complete waste of money since you haven't been doing what she had suggested. That's true with any therapist.

 

I do agree that no one can be helped with any issue unless they get willing to help themself.

 

Take the vacation. Stick to NC.

 

Start dating available men. Do not compare them to the MM - that's not even fair to the men you may see.

[sophinla]

Also - received Facebook request from the wife's sister. I blocked her right away. About 10 minutes later a mysterious account adds me, blocked that too... They must think I am stupid.

 

This does not sound good. A lot of damage can be done on facebook. They probably are messaging your friends about how you break up the family. They can message anyone on facebook without being their friends.

 

And here's the scary part, you will not know who they message and what they said to them, unless your friends let you know, which i doubt. Social media shaming is so common nowadays, and there is very little you can do about it. The wife and sister seems very angry, and you guys started out as mutual friends, so they can easily track down your social circle thru your ex or other mutual friends, even if you hide your friends list.

 

I would be very worried and really watch my back if I were you.

Edited June 24, 2016 by sophinla

[S2B]

I do hope you have all your social media accounts set to private.

[sophinla]

I do hope you have all your social media accounts set to private.

 

Even if she does, they just need to find a mutual friend of hers that has an open friends list. Unless she can get everyone of her friends to set all of their stuff private, which is unlikely. It is very hard to hide on these social media accounts. For instance, if they can find her on facebook, they already know her last name, and can easily locate her relatives on facebook. They know the ex and his lastname, so they will locate that side of her social circle as well.

Edited June 24, 2016 by sophinla

[Maggie888]

Id be worried who they are going to contact too ie friends, family, business associates.

 

So is the plan to just stay away from each other for a period of time till stuff cools down? In effect what you guys are really doing is going LC and further underground. TSaying things like I will only resoond to him if necessary or very important is exactly what you did last time and well...look what happened. Shouldnt you have a different plan? What are u going to do when he shows up at your door? Whats your plan for that?

 

I guess Im just hoping you realize the difference between truly ending it vs just taking a break/going further underground

 

Finally make sure you check your other/spam messages in Facebook. It sounds like someone might be trying to get a message to you.

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[S2B]

I'm really concerned for you Pink.

 

You must be able to see he has some big personality issues. He avoids conflict and causes harm with his operating method. You say you love him - but do you REALLY know him? You think you know him - but you seem to be willing to overlook his big deficiencies.

 

He mislead her on so many levels - that is apparent by her reaction to finding you there. I believe the root of his problem is he is selfish and self centered. He's also a liar by omission. That kind of passive aggressive nature is extremely frustrating to deal with in any partner. He's been aggressive with you when you pointed out the obvious and he didn't want it that way...even to the point of trying to make YOU feel badly. He was willing to risk your reputation on many occasions to satisfy his needs. He's sneaky too - visiting your house while he said he was at the gym - how could you EVER trust a man like him? You can't!

 

I don't call that love. I call that a selfish, self serving jerk who is so weak he doesn't have the balls to get honest with people he claims to love. Especially that HE gets angry when he doesn't get it his way!

 

You better check yourself - you sure that's "love"? None of it looks like loving behavior! It looks like the opposite to me.

[Maggie888]

S2B - the problem is that while OP knows logically Jamie lied and deceived and avoided, in her mind he did this ONLY to his wife and ONLY b/c of his intense love for her. Like she said before, its something he DID but not who he IS. She is so clouded in her thinking that all his wrongdoings are justified since the motivation for all these wrongdoings (including those directed at her) is His Great Love for Her.

 

What she is not seeing thought is that if he truly loved and respected her, he wouldnt have put her in a position of OW. He would have left his marriage on his own of his own accord, not quietly avoided the white elephant of his marriage until she brought it up and made an ultimatum. He would have respected her NC wishes. He wouldnt "punish" her for a week b/c she had flowers from an other man in her apartment, refusing to believe her. He wouldnt have invited her over knowing his wife and son could/would drop by unannounced anytime. He would have told his wife about their relationship immediately upon moving out so she didnt have to keep being a dirty little secret.

[Lobe]

Also - received Facebook request from the wife's sister. I blocked her right away. About 10 minutes later a mysterious account adds me, blocked that too... They must think I am stupid.

 

No, they just want to inflict the same pain on you that your illicit relationship inflicted on their family.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before this blows up worse than it already has. MM makes one wrong move and *BLAMMO* social media will be the least of your concerns. But honestly, I believe you feed off the drama. Hell of an ego boost. "All this hubbub over lil ol' me? Why, I nevah..."

 

I suggest you send the sister, the wife, and MM a message that says, "Look, I'm stepping off. I want none of this - I trusted MM to tell BS about us and he didn't. I know I should not have trusted him and now I am in over my head. I am sorry for all the pain and confusion, but I can't do this anymore. I need to heal and move on with my life and so does your family. Please stop contacting and harassing me before I have no choice but to get the police involved."

 

You can avoid ALL of the backlash and feedback from said PFO message by hitting send and then BLOCKING everyone. No need to engage. Get a new phone number. Disable not just log out of your FB account (you can bring it back online in a few months - nothing will be deleted), route messages from their emails to spam and set them to autodelete, switch to a new primary email address... sure, you'll miss all those little ego kibbles, but...

 

Blaming your therapist for not helping you is a cop out. Based on years of research and observation, there is not one single piece of academic literature out there to support LC as a valid method for ending a toxic relationship. Even when kids are involved, NC stands and a mediator can be used to communicate about the kids. Since you've got no kids (yet) with this man so I'm about 100% there is not a therapist out there who would advise someone in an affair to go LC with a married man. And I am pretty sure that even if her intent was to "wean" you off MM, it did not involve you banging him hence her surprise. If she gave you that advice, no wonder you fired her after this time she told you to go NC...

 

I get the feeling you're going to continue deluding yourself that love conquers all and your MM will find a way to be with you no matter what for a little while longer,

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[S2B]

You see - it's never the words that any person tells you - that makes them who they are...

 

It IS their actions that define who they are.

 

And his actions are just dispicable.

 

He harmed many with his actions and inability to just be honest!

 

 

But YOU Pink - you are responsible for how YOU participated. You want your actions to define you? You better start participating completely opposite of what you've been doing - IF you want to gain some self respect back.

Edited June 24, 2016 by S2B

[PinkSunset]

My Facebook does not show my friends, photos or anything to the public. If you're a stranger looking at it you can't see anything. I did have friend request and message available though, which I took friend request off last night so no one can add me now.

 

I'm not worried about them messaging my friends because they can't see my friend list. If they message my ex then so be it, nothing I can do about that.

 

I had a woman at my office glaring at me in the lunch room this morning. I have a feeling she might know his wife... Or I'm just paranoid. The last thing I need is for my whole office to know. Running away and moving is looking more and more appealing.

 

I don't see Jamie as this manipulative guy like you all do. Maybe it is denial, maybe it is affair fog, but if he is all these things you say he is then he would have had an affair before, no? Well, he hasn't.

Perhaps I don't know him as well as I think I do you're right. I do however want to think the best of him.

 

I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm moving forward without him, if I happen to meet someone in that time I will give them a chance.

[S2B]

Pink there is NO way you can know for sure he hasn't had an affair before you. Stop believing everything he tells you - that is your downfall.

 

He is a known liar! He definitely lies a LOT by omitting his truth.

 

You are being extremely naive.

 

 

And to the poster that said her therapist wouldn't suggest LC...that therapist suggested NO contact! Pink did it the way she wanted to. I'm not even sure she's ever done LC...

 

NO contact was designed and suggested to help you help yourself Pink.

 

You keep believing this known liar and life will get even messier - I guarantee you it will.

[elaine567]

Maybe it is denial, maybe it is affair fog, but if he is all these things you say he is then he would have had an affair before, no? Well, he hasn't.

 

YOU don't know that.

YOU only know what he tells you.

 

His wife only knew what he told her and how did that work out for her?

[PinkSunset]

No, they just want to inflict the same pain on you that your illicit relationship inflicted on their family.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before this blows up worse than it already has. MM makes one wrong move and *BLAMMO* social media will be the least of your concerns. But honestly, I believe you feed off the drama. Hell of an ego boost. "All this hubbub over lil ol' me? Why, I nevah..."

 

I suggest you send the sister, the wife, and MM a message that says, "Look, I'm stepping off. I want none of this - I trusted MM to tell BS about us and he didn't. I know I should not have trusted him and now I am in over my head. I am sorry for all the pain and confusion, but I can't do this anymore. I need to heal and move on with my life and so does your family. Please stop contacting and harassing me before I have no choice but to get the police involved."

 

You can avoid ALL of the backlash and feedback from said PFO message by hitting send and then BLOCKING everyone. No need to engage. Get a new phone number. Disable not just log out of your FB account (you can bring it back online in a few months - nothing will be deleted), route messages from their emails to spam and set them to autodelete, switch to a new primary email address... sure, you'll miss all those little ego kibbles, but...

 

Blaming your therapist for not helping you is a cop out. Based on years of research and observation, there is not one single piece of academic literature out there to support LC as a valid method for ending a toxic relationship. Even when kids are involved, NC stands and a mediator can be used to communicate about the kids. Since you've got no kids (yet) with this man so I'm about 100% there is not a therapist out there who would advise someone in an affair to go LC with a married man. And I am pretty sure that even if her intent was to "wean" you off MM, it did not involve you banging him hence her surprise. If she gave you that advice, no wonder you fired her after this time she told you to go NC...

 

I get the feeling you're going to continue deluding yourself that love conquers all and your MM will find a way to be with you no matter what for a little while longer,

 

It is not an ego boost for me. In fact some of the things that were said to me were just brutal and made me feel awful. Pretty sure my self esteem went down a notch or two. I know I shouldn't have read any of it, but I did so I could see if there was anything relevant said to me.

One of the things said was that I must not know what it's like to be married and have troubles, that only selfish women would do what I've done.

 

I don't know why it's the sister doing all of this. I have contemplated responding just to tell her to leave me alone and that Jamie and I are no longer involved.

And no, we aren't. I haven't spoken to him in almost two days.

 

And no, I didn't fire my therapist because she told me to go NC with Jamie. She wanted me to go NC right away but I said I wasn't ready. I didn't even fire her, I am still giving it a chance.

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[PinkSunset]

Pink there is NO way you can know for sure he hasn't had an affair before you. Stop believing everything he tells you - that is your downfall.

 

He is a known liar! He definitely lies a LOT by omitting his truth.

 

You are being extremely naive.

 

 

And to the poster that said her therapist wouldn't suggest LC...that therapist suggested NO contact! Pink did it the way she wanted to. I'm not even sure she's ever done LC...

 

NO contact was designed and suggested to help you help yourself Pink.

 

You keep believing this known liar and life will get even messier - I guarantee you it will.

 

YOU don't know that.

YOU only know what he tells you.

 

His wife only knew what he told her and how did that work out for her?

 

Okay so yes he has lied to his wife. I have no proof of him ever lying to me, so until I have a reason not to trust him... I am going to. He has been selfish and he has lost his crap on me, he has said some manipulative things... But I have too. I still don't have one single thing to show a lie he's told me.

 

His wife and her sister I am positive would have said something to me if he already had a previous affair.