Emotional Affair

[Maggie888]

Id be worried who they are going to contact too ie friends, family, business associates.

 

So is the plan to just stay away from each other for a period of time till stuff cools down? In effect what you guys are really doing is going LC and further underground. TSaying things like I will only resoond to him if necessary or very important is exactly what you did last time and well...look what happened. Shouldnt you have a different plan? What are u going to do when he shows up at your door? Whats your plan for that?

 

I guess Im just hoping you realize the difference between truly ending it vs just taking a break/going further underground

 

Finally make sure you check your other/spam messages in Facebook. It sounds like someone might be trying to get a message to you.

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Maggie888]

S2B - the problem is that while OP knows logically Jamie lied and deceived and avoided, in her mind he did this ONLY to his wife and ONLY b/c of his intense love for her. Like she said before, its something he DID but not who he IS. She is so clouded in her thinking that all his wrongdoings are justified since the motivation for all these wrongdoings (including those directed at her) is His Great Love for Her.

 

What she is not seeing thought is that if he truly loved and respected her, he wouldnt have put her in a position of OW. He would have left his marriage on his own of his own accord, not quietly avoided the white elephant of his marriage until she brought it up and made an ultimatum. He would have respected her NC wishes. He wouldnt "punish" her for a week b/c she had flowers from an other man in her apartment, refusing to believe her. He wouldnt have invited her over knowing his wife and son could/would drop by unannounced anytime. He would have told his wife about their relationship immediately upon moving out so she didnt have to keep being a dirty little secret.

[Lobe]

Also - received Facebook request from the wife's sister. I blocked her right away. About 10 minutes later a mysterious account adds me, blocked that too... They must think I am stupid.

 

No, they just want to inflict the same pain on you that your illicit relationship inflicted on their family.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before this blows up worse than it already has. MM makes one wrong move and *BLAMMO* social media will be the least of your concerns. But honestly, I believe you feed off the drama. Hell of an ego boost. "All this hubbub over lil ol' me? Why, I nevah..."

 

I suggest you send the sister, the wife, and MM a message that says, "Look, I'm stepping off. I want none of this - I trusted MM to tell BS about us and he didn't. I know I should not have trusted him and now I am in over my head. I am sorry for all the pain and confusion, but I can't do this anymore. I need to heal and move on with my life and so does your family. Please stop contacting and harassing me before I have no choice but to get the police involved."

 

You can avoid ALL of the backlash and feedback from said PFO message by hitting send and then BLOCKING everyone. No need to engage. Get a new phone number. Disable not just log out of your FB account (you can bring it back online in a few months - nothing will be deleted), route messages from their emails to spam and set them to autodelete, switch to a new primary email address... sure, you'll miss all those little ego kibbles, but...

 

Blaming your therapist for not helping you is a cop out. Based on years of research and observation, there is not one single piece of academic literature out there to support LC as a valid method for ending a toxic relationship. Even when kids are involved, NC stands and a mediator can be used to communicate about the kids. Since you've got no kids (yet) with this man so I'm about 100% there is not a therapist out there who would advise someone in an affair to go LC with a married man. And I am pretty sure that even if her intent was to "wean" you off MM, it did not involve you banging him hence her surprise. If she gave you that advice, no wonder you fired her after this time she told you to go NC...

 

I get the feeling you're going to continue deluding yourself that love conquers all and your MM will find a way to be with you no matter what for a little while longer,

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[PinkSunset]

My Facebook does not show my friends, photos or anything to the public. If you're a stranger looking at it you can't see anything. I did have friend request and message available though, which I took friend request off last night so no one can add me now.

 

I'm not worried about them messaging my friends because they can't see my friend list. If they message my ex then so be it, nothing I can do about that.

 

I had a woman at my office glaring at me in the lunch room this morning. I have a feeling she might know his wife... Or I'm just paranoid. The last thing I need is for my whole office to know. Running away and moving is looking more and more appealing.

 

I don't see Jamie as this manipulative guy like you all do. Maybe it is denial, maybe it is affair fog, but if he is all these things you say he is then he would have had an affair before, no? Well, he hasn't.

Perhaps I don't know him as well as I think I do you're right. I do however want to think the best of him.

 

I'm not putting my life on hold. I'm moving forward without him, if I happen to meet someone in that time I will give them a chance.

[elaine567]

Maybe it is denial, maybe it is affair fog, but if he is all these things you say he is then he would have had an affair before, no? Well, he hasn't.

 

YOU don't know that.

YOU only know what he tells you.

 

His wife only knew what he told her and how did that work out for her?

[PinkSunset]

No, they just want to inflict the same pain on you that your illicit relationship inflicted on their family.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before this blows up worse than it already has. MM makes one wrong move and *BLAMMO* social media will be the least of your concerns. But honestly, I believe you feed off the drama. Hell of an ego boost. "All this hubbub over lil ol' me? Why, I nevah..."

 

I suggest you send the sister, the wife, and MM a message that says, "Look, I'm stepping off. I want none of this - I trusted MM to tell BS about us and he didn't. I know I should not have trusted him and now I am in over my head. I am sorry for all the pain and confusion, but I can't do this anymore. I need to heal and move on with my life and so does your family. Please stop contacting and harassing me before I have no choice but to get the police involved."

 

You can avoid ALL of the backlash and feedback from said PFO message by hitting send and then BLOCKING everyone. No need to engage. Get a new phone number. Disable not just log out of your FB account (you can bring it back online in a few months - nothing will be deleted), route messages from their emails to spam and set them to autodelete, switch to a new primary email address... sure, you'll miss all those little ego kibbles, but...

 

Blaming your therapist for not helping you is a cop out. Based on years of research and observation, there is not one single piece of academic literature out there to support LC as a valid method for ending a toxic relationship. Even when kids are involved, NC stands and a mediator can be used to communicate about the kids. Since you've got no kids (yet) with this man so I'm about 100% there is not a therapist out there who would advise someone in an affair to go LC with a married man. And I am pretty sure that even if her intent was to "wean" you off MM, it did not involve you banging him hence her surprise. If she gave you that advice, no wonder you fired her after this time she told you to go NC...

 

I get the feeling you're going to continue deluding yourself that love conquers all and your MM will find a way to be with you no matter what for a little while longer,

 

It is not an ego boost for me. In fact some of the things that were said to me were just brutal and made me feel awful. Pretty sure my self esteem went down a notch or two. I know I shouldn't have read any of it, but I did so I could see if there was anything relevant said to me.

One of the things said was that I must not know what it's like to be married and have troubles, that only selfish women would do what I've done.

 

I don't know why it's the sister doing all of this. I have contemplated responding just to tell her to leave me alone and that Jamie and I are no longer involved.

And no, we aren't. I haven't spoken to him in almost two days.

 

And no, I didn't fire my therapist because she told me to go NC with Jamie. She wanted me to go NC right away but I said I wasn't ready. I didn't even fire her, I am still giving it a chance.

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[PinkSunset]

Pink there is NO way you can know for sure he hasn't had an affair before you. Stop believing everything he tells you - that is your downfall.

 

He is a known liar! He definitely lies a LOT by omitting his truth.

 

You are being extremely naive.

 

 

And to the poster that said her therapist wouldn't suggest LC...that therapist suggested NO contact! Pink did it the way she wanted to. I'm not even sure she's ever done LC...

 

NO contact was designed and suggested to help you help yourself Pink.

 

You keep believing this known liar and life will get even messier - I guarantee you it will.

 

YOU don't know that.

YOU only know what he tells you.

 

His wife only knew what he told her and how did that work out for her?

 

Okay so yes he has lied to his wife. I have no proof of him ever lying to me, so until I have a reason not to trust him... I am going to. He has been selfish and he has lost his crap on me, he has said some manipulative things... But I have too. I still don't have one single thing to show a lie he's told me.

 

His wife and her sister I am positive would have said something to me if he already had a previous affair.

[Maggie888]

One of the things said was that I must not know what it's like to be married and have troubles, that only selfish women would do what I've done.

They think the relationship was solely sex b/c that is what Jamie has told his wife. He obviously hasnt came clean and told her there is an emotional component going back a year. He is still lying about the nature of the relationship with you. He is doing this to protect himself obviously. This is the proverbial throwing of OW under the bus.

 

he probably told her something along the lines of: you guys reconnected in the past couple weeks and he was lonely and confused, and you pursued him and he was unable to resist your seduction of him

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[PinkSunset]

On another note - I don't want to keep defending him. What we have both done is wrong and not okay. I wouldn't want it done to me. We had discussed telling her over the weekend all of this happened. He was hoping he would have a discussion with her about it the Friday (which is today). Unfortunately we didn't get to that point. Can I be mad at him for not telling her? No, because I was with him those 4 days and he never had a chance. Prior to that we hadn't seen each other in over a month, and were LC/NC. It all happened so fast, but the intent to tell her was there with a timeline.

 

I am just trying to deal with the aftermath here, the harassment that I caused myself and picking up the pieces of this mess I made. I don't want to think about if Jamie is a liar etc. I want to move on from it.

[Maggie888]

Didnt he lead you to believe they hadnt had sex in 2 years? Then you found out it was (supposedly) just 1. Didnt he tell you his wife "doesnt believe in divorce"? Didnt he tell you he cant leave his wife right now because x/y/z? Are those not dishonest statements?

 

Has his wife or the sister said anything about the nature of the marriage, recent marital relations, etc?

[PinkSunset]

They think the relationship was solely sex b/c that is what Jamie has told his wife. He obviously hasnt came clean and told her there is an emotional component going back a year. He is still lying about the nature of the relationship with you. He is doing this to protect himself obviously. This is the proverbial throwing of OW under the bus.

 

he probably told her something along the lines of: you guys reconnected in the past couple weeks and he was lonely and confused, and you pursued him and he was unable to resist your seduction of him

 

 

Last I knew she was ignoring him and not letting him come to their house. I don't know what he is telling them. She asked me how long we had been having sex for, and I told her it just happened over that weekend.

 

If anything, I can see him telling her the same and not offering extra details. I know he didn't want her to know about us before and what was going on while he was still living in the house. So maybe he did tell her that... It really doesn't matter.

Edited June 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PinkSunset]

Didnt he lead you to believe they hadnt had sex in 2 years? Then you found out it was (supposedly) just 1. Didnt he tell you his wife "doesnt believe in divorce"? Didnt he tell you he cant leave his wife right now because x/y/z? Are those not dishonest statements?

 

Has his wife or the sister said anything about the nature of the marriage, recent marital relations, etc?

 

Yes, that's true about how long they hadn't had sex. Yes, he told me his wife's family doesn't believe in divorce. He didn't want to leave his wife because he was afraid he would lose the son. After he started seeing his lawyer he felt better about that.

 

Just that I must not know what it's like to have marriage troubles, to lose a baby and a piece of you. To have your husband sleep in a separate room because you are too depressed to have sex with him. That he is using me for sex.

 

Obviously they don't realize our relationship isn't based on sex.

[Maggie888]

I just think its will be hard to truly move on if you arent willing to remove your rose colored glasses and see Jamie for the flawed person he is. You make every excuse in the book for him, and endorse any narrative that paints him as a victim. I think true healing and advancement will come for you when you are open and see the truth of the situation. I think for both of you, dishonesty has become such a go-to way of life and coping -- dishonesty with others and yourself.

 

Is there a plan of action for when he shows up at your doorstep 3 days, 2 weeks, 3 months, whenever from now?

 

Obviously they don't realize our relationship isn't based on sex.

 

Well yeah, how would they realize that? It has and is being completely concealed from them. You actual as if its somehow a shortcoming of theirs that they dont know you have been in an emotional affair with him for months. Also, like I said, Jamie is I am sure minimizing it and you as best he can.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Maggie888

[PinkSunset]

I just think its will be hard to truly move on if you arent willing to remove your rose colored glasses and see Jamie for the flawed person he is. You make every excuse in the book for him, and endorse any narrative that paints him as a victim. I think true healing and advancement will come for you when you are open and see the truth of the situation. I think for both of you, dishonesty has become such a go-to way of life and coping -- dishonesty with others and yourself.

 

Is there a plan of action for when he shows up at your doorstep 3 days, 2 weeks, 3 months, whenever from now?

 

I put in a vacation request at work and should hear back by the end of the day. I will figure out some kind of plan when I am away, on a beach sipping margaritas without a care in the world.

 

I just hope being alone on vacation is a good idea. I've been looking at Mexico but it kind of freaks me out. I've always had someone to go with but I think I need to go alone.

[PinkSunset]

Well yeah, how would they realize that? It has and is being completely concealed from them. You actual as if its somehow a shortcoming of theirs that they dont know you have been in an emotional affair with him for months. Also, like I said, Jamie is I am sure minimizing it and you as best he can.

 

He probably is minimizing it, because he doesn't want to hurt her more. I really don't care what he tells her, if she asks me anything I will tell her the truth though.

[sophinla]

My Facebook does not show my friends, photos or anything to the public. If you're a stranger looking at it you can't see anything. I did have friend request and message available though, which I took friend request off last night so no one can add me now.

 

I'm not worried about them messaging my friends because they can't see my friend list. If they message my ex then so be it, nothing I can do about that.

 

I had a woman at my office glaring at me in the lunch room this morning. I have a feeling she might know his wife... Or I'm just paranoid. The last thing I need is for my whole office to know. Running away and moving is looking more and more appealing.

.

 

They can easily figure out your friends on facebook even if you hide them. They tracked you down didn't they? And they know your last name and your ex's name, all they need to do is cross reference a little, unless you can get the entire world to hide their friends on facebook.

 

Blocking friend request does nothing for people looking to do shaming, you can never block the general message funtion, which means they can message whoever they want whenever they want.

 

And going to Mexico isn't going to solve the problem. You and your lover did them some bad wrongs, they are finding a way to fight back now.

[anika99]

Okay so yes he has lied to his wife. I have no proof of him ever lying to me, so until I have a reason not to trust him... I am going to. He has been selfish and he has lost his crap on me, he has said some manipulative things... But I have too. I still don't have one single thing to show a lie he's told me.

 

His wife and her sister I am positive would have said something to me if he already had a previous affair.

 

But the wife and sister didn't even know about you until the wife saw you parading around her husband's house in his shirt, so it's pretty likely that if he's had previous affairs the BS never caught him. He is a very good liar so it's possible that any prior cheating went undiscovered.

[PinkSunset]

They can easily figure out your friends on facebook even if you hide them. They tracked you down didn't they? And they know your last name and your ex's name, all they need to do is cross reference a little, unless you can get the entire world to hide their friends on facebook.

 

Blocking friend request does nothing for people looking to do shaming, you can never block the general message funtion, which means they can message whoever they want whenever they want.

 

And going to Mexico isn't going to solve the problem. You and your lover did them some bad wrongs, they are finding a way to fight back now.

 

If they send a message to anyone, they are the ones that will look bad. If anything, I will just de-activate it.

 

And I know going to Mexico isn't going to solve anything but it is going to help me get away and clear my head without distractions or triggers. I need out of here.

 

But the wife and sister didn't even know about you until the wife saw you parading around her husband's house in his shirt, so it's pretty likely that if he's had previous affairs the BS never caught him. He is a very good liar so it's possible that any prior cheating went undiscovered.

 

Possibly but seriously doubtful, and if it's true I will probably never know. I can't base my thoughts of him on things that may not have even happened.

[SoulCat]

It really doesn't matter.

 

It absolutely does matter.

There's a massive difference of having just a 'I'm lonely and she was there to fill the void' type of sexual fling and a 'we are soulmates and need/want/are destined to be together type of affair.

You guys didn't just start your relationship last weekend, it started months ago!

 

Be honest!!!! You darn well owe her that much.

 

 

Can you not see that after all that's already gone down, and the ample opportunity he's had to tell his wife the truth he is still lying to her?? How on God's green earth can you overlook that or explain it away?

 

 

I will figure out some kind of plan when I am away, on a beach sipping margaritas without a care in the world.

 

Don't kid yourself lady. Every second of every minute of every hour of your time, no matter where in the world you go, you will think of 'poor Jamie and his God awful wife'.

 

 

How utterly utterly wrong you are....

[Maggie888]

Can you not see that after all that's already gone down, and the ample opportunity he's had to tell his wife the truth he is still lying to her?? How on God's green earth can you overlook that or explain it away?

 

She explains it away as he is lying b/c he doesnt want to hurt her more....or wants OP shielded....etc etc

 

In her mind any lying towards his wife is not a character flaw but simply an unavoidable and justifiable necessity.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I know 2 things.

What it's like to share your life with a conflict avoidant, passive aggressive man.

What I would want as a bs for myself & my babies.

 

 

When I first met my H we connected, rainbows, unicorns all that good stuff. It took me a long time to realize that we bonded over his horrible ex & the death of that relationship. There's all the difference in the world between openly talking about someone else & YOU!

If you end-up with this man you will walk on eggshells & tie yourself in knots double guessing what he's thinking & doing. He will NEVER be honest in your relationship (unless it's something that makes him look & feel good).

 

He's so conflict avoidant that you believe he's a good guy for having an affair because it saved her feelings!!! Then it was to hide your identity & protect you!! Really?

 

What every bs wants? Simple! THE TRUTH!

Start with meeting her H at work & you & Kevin being invited to their home & tell her EVERYTHING! Not "We only had sex this weekend!". Be brave. Give her everything & walk away.

 

If you are convinced that you will spend your life with this MM you will be a step-Mum. The best way to raise a mentally healthy, happy child is by having a good coparenting relationship with his mother.

 

When in doubt TELL THE TRUTH.

 

Note - Oneday you will remember your suggestion that she just tell the little boy to wait in the car while she pops in to see Daddy AND you will roll your eyes & laugh. Don't worry, before I had kids I'd say things like that. It's ZERO reflection on what kind of Mum you will be. You live & learn.

Edited June 24, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[SoulCat]

In her mind any lying towards his wife is not a character flaw but simply an unavoidable and justifiable necessity.

 

Such a pity everyone here sees that, but PinkSunset still sees the poor victimised, helpless but oh so honorable Jamie is a victim of circumstance. Herself too, by extension.... Nothing was done on purpose, it just happened.

 

Such a shame for them both they had a reality check when the wife found out.

 

 

PinkSunset, you come across as an intelligent, but very conflicted person. If 99 people say 'go left' but Jamie says 'right is better' you will, for now at least, go right. No matter what the other 99 people say, and their reasons for saying it.

 

I think the sunk cost fallacy is in play here....

[PinkSunset]

It absolutely does matter.

There's a massive difference of having just a 'I'm lonely and she was there to fill the void' type of sexual fling and a 'we are soulmates and need/want/are destined to be together type of affair.

You guys didn't just start your relationship last weekend, it started months ago!

 

Be honest!!!! You darn well owe her that much.

 

 

Can you not see that after all that's already gone down, and the ample opportunity he's had to tell his wife the truth he is still lying to her?? How on God's green earth can you overlook that or explain it away?

 

 

 

 

Don't kid yourself lady. Every second of every minute of every hour of your time, no matter where in the world you go, you will think of 'poor Jamie and his God awful wife'.

 

 

How utterly utterly wrong you are....

 

Hi. I know 2 things.

What it's like to share your life with a conflict avoidant, passive aggressive man.

What I would want as a bs for myself & my babies.

 

 

When I first met my H we connected, rainbows, unicorns all that good stuff. It took me a long time to realize that we bonded over his horrible ex & the death of that relationship. There's all the difference in the world between openly talking about someone else & YOU!

If you end-up with this man you will walk on eggshells & tie yourself in knots double guessing what he's thinking & doing. He will NEVER be honest in your relationship (unless it's something that makes him look & feel good).

 

He's so conflict avoidant that you believe he's a good guy for having an affair because it saved her feelings!!! Then it was to hide your identity & protect you!! Really?

 

What every bs wants? Simple! THE TRUTH!

Start with meeting her H at work & you & Kevin being invited to their home & tell her EVERYTHING! Not "We only had sex this weekend!". Be brave. Give her everything & walk away.

 

If you are convinced that you will spend your life with this MM you will be a step-Mum. The best way to raise a mentally healthy, happy child is by having a good coparenting relationship with his mother.

 

When in doubt TELL THE TRUTH.

 

Note - Oneday you will remember your suggestion that she just tell the little boy to wait in the car while she pops in to see Daddy AND you will roll your eyes & laugh. Don't worry, before I had kids I'd say things like that. It's ZERO reflection on what kind of Mum you will be. You live & learn.

 

I am more than willing to tell her the truth from the beginning. I sent one message to her and I did say in it that she could ask me anything. I'm not hiding from her. I told Jamie already that I won't lie to her if she wants to contact me and he was okay with it. This is another reason why I don't think he is going to lie to her very much. He doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to hurt her any more than he has. He wants his son to be okay through all of this.

 

If he really is that bad of a guy like you all say he is, then I will figure that out eventually won't I? I am not one to stand and put up with crap anymore. I won't stick around.

 

I still hope to one day become a Mom, but seeing as I am already 34 I am slowly giving up hope.

[PinkSunset]

Such a pity everyone here sees that, but PinkSunset still sees the poor victimised, helpless but oh so honorable Jamie is a victim of circumstance. Herself too, by extension.... Nothing was done on purpose, it just happened.

 

Such a shame for them both they had a reality check when the wife found out.

 

 

PinkSunset, you come across as an intelligent, but very conflicted person. If 99 people say 'go left' but Jamie says 'right is better' you will, for now at least, go right. No matter what the other 99 people say, and their reasons for saying it.

 

I think the sunk cost fallacy is in play here....

 

I don't always go along with what Jamie says but I do listen to how he feels and his perspective on things. Sometimes I agree sometimes I don't.

 

I realize it didn't just happen. We did all of it, caused all of it. Neither of us wanted her to find out that way though. I wish he would have had the chance to tell her in a better way that is all.

[elaine567]

I still hope to one day become a Mom, but seeing as I am already 34 I am slowly giving up hope.

Well you are wasting your time hanging about with a MM, who no doubt will be in no rush to have another child lest it affect his relationship with his son and upset his barren ex wife.

This fiasco could go on for years and meanwhile your biological clock is ticking away.