Emotional Affair

[S2B]

He is supposed to be staying away. That's what you requested and that's what is respectful.

 

He has a lot to accomplish. You can't do it for him.

 

He either will or he won't.

 

Go have fun on vacation - you deserve that!

 

What did your counselor suggest besides the vacation?

[Maggie888]

Hi Pink,

Just wondering whats been going on. Any update?

 

Hope you are hanging in there.

[PinkSunset]

Hi All,

 

Thought I would give an update since I am back from vacation.

 

Spent a week away, it was nice sitting in the sun and relaxing. Some of you were right when you said I will still carry it there with me. I had a few moments of weakness, cried myself to sleep in a drunken stupor. I met a few very nice people while I was there so it wasn't that lonely. I was okay for the most part.

 

I met a man from the UK and we spent a lot of time together. We have decided to stay in contact which is nice.

 

I have felt incredibly heartbroken since I've been back. MM sent me an email saying he misses me and hopes I'm doing well. He told me he is lonely in his house. I haven't responded. I haven't received any ill messages from wife or sister.

 

Part of me wants to call him and find out what has been happening. I want to know how he is doing and if he has sorted anything out with his wife and smoothed anything over. I feel so lost being back here. I am not happy with my life right now and it's incredibly depressing. I honestly don't know what to do with myself since I got back.

[Maggie888]

Glad to see an update. Seems u are doing as well as can be expected. Are you starting to feel less preoccupied and in love with Jamie as you get time under your belt?

 

He emailed you saying he misses you and hopes you are doing well. To me whats important here is what he didnt say. That is sounding to me like a confimration the affair/relationship is over. I am guessing so much damage was done duirng the ddat that ge realizes he cant have a relationship with you if he wants to be able to succesfully and peacefully coparent. And also for the sake of his son who no doubt views you negatively. Thats just my guess.

 

I get that "lost" feeling you speak of. When things are so intense for months and so centered on the Affair you feel like a lost wandering lamb when its gone.

 

You have to just focus on yourself and try to fill your life with positive healthy things.

[PinkSunset]

Glad to see an update. Seems u are doing as well as can be expected. Are you starting to feel less preoccupied and in love with Jamie as you get time under your belt?

 

He emailed you saying he misses you and hopes you are doing well. To me whats important here is what he didnt say. That is sounding to me like a confimration the affair/relationship is over. I am guessing so much damage was done duirng the ddat that ge realizes he cant have a relationship with you if he wants to be able to succesfully and peacefully coparent. And also for the sake of his son who no doubt views you negatively. Thats just my guess.

 

I get that "lost" feeling you speak of. When things are so intense for months and so centered on the Affair you feel like a lost wandering lamb when its gone.

 

You have to just focus on yourself and try to fill your life with positive healthy things.

 

He does sound like he is in emotional pain. He said each day that passes seems to get harder. It does seem that way for me also... I just know it's best to stay away.

 

I need suggestions on how to move on in a healthy and positive way. I can't look for another man when I still love Jamie. My heart still wants him even though my brain says not to. It's such a conflict. How do you get passed that? How do you get your heart and your mind to agree?

[Maggie888]

Try volunteering on burn victim floor or with abused children or pet rescues, something like that positive to keep you mind off Jamie and give you perspective.

 

Really it just takes time, there is no easy fix.

 

I think if you reach out "to see how he is doing" it could just set you back. You know how he is doing - he has told you. He is lonely and its hard. Thats the worst case scenario, as he certainly isnt going to MINIMIZE his hardships (since we know he enjoys being "victim") . For all you know he could be seeing someone else to fill his void (its much easier for most men to do that and to compartmentalize as it is for most women), or even patching things up with the wife.

 

Your best bet here is 1) maintain NC; 2) keep busy with fulfilling things, ie volunteer; 3) focus on your anger and disappointment in Jamie and the things he has done to upset you versus how great he is, how much you miss him etc

[Lobe]

MM sent me an email saying he misses me and hopes I'm doing well. He told me he is lonely in his house. I haven't responded. I haven't received any ill messages from wife or sister. I want to know how he is doing and if he has sorted anything out with his wife and smoothed anything over. I feel so lost being back here. I am not happy with my life right now and it's incredibly depressing. I honestly don't know what to do with myself since I got back.

 

Pink, resist that urge to reach back - he is trying to reel you back in and is disrespecting your wishes. Block/redirect his emails to trash - you don't wanna go pain shopping.

 

Before you got involved with MM, what did you do for fun and entertainment? Jogging? Knitting? Bocce ball? Macrame?

[PinkSunset]

I am not letting him reel me back in. He knows I have read his email I am sure. He knows I was away and when I'd be back as he sent it to my work email which had an out of office auto reply. He hasn't tried reaching out since I've been back.

 

Before MM, I spent a lot of time at the gym. Kevin and I spent a lot of time doing outdoor stuff. I don't really have a lot of girlfriends as maybe you have noticed. I do have a couple of girls I could reach out to and maybe try to do some things with. I used to have a relatively active relationship with Kevin's sister. She has faded out since he and I broke up though

 

I just feel so alone. I have alienated myself from everyone and everything because all I wanted was a life with Jamie. All I thought about was Jamie and when I'd see or talk to him next.

 

The old school friend who was borderline stalking me has stopped bothering me, but I am so lonely I even consider messaging him. Ugh.

[Lobe]

The old school friend who was borderline stalking me has stopped bothering me, but I am so lonely I even consider messaging him. Ugh.

 

I'm not sure this is such a good idea, asking a stalker to start stalking you lol

 

There's got to be something.

 

Pokemon Go is a thing. Crosswords or Sudoku. Paintballing might be fun - you can imagine all the opponents are your xMM . Learn to play an instrument and write some angsty songs a la Alanis Morisette. Clean (or exorcise) your car/house/garage lol

 

Keep him on ignore. It'll get easier.

[Maggie888]

Adult coloring books. Gym. New sport or athletic class. Volunteer. Redecorate/Home improvements. Meetup groups. Gardening. Online dating

 

So many women in affairs get totally consumed like you did. Theyngive up everythimg for ehats basically a famtasy if not an outright lie. Its the emotional side that women have -- that romantic "all I meed is you", " its us against the world" mentality perhaps shaped by movies, tv, general culture.

 

Its just gonna take time. Or mayne meeting someone new. I know right now u are thinking no one will ever measure up or compare but that will fade. Yes he is very charming amd funny and attractive -- most MM are. Thus why they are married

 

He has most likely promised his wife he will never contact you or see you. Either as a condition of a peacfdul separation or possibly as a condition for reconciliation tho I suspect the prior.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Maggie888

[PinkSunset]

I am definitely not going to contact the stalker, it is just a thought that runs through my messed up head.

 

I went to see the doctor on Monday and he prescribed me Zoloft and Ativan. I am hoping the Zoloft will at least help me to get through this. I know it can help with obsessive thinking which I have been doing a lot of.

The Ativan freaks me out a bit as it is a benzo and I don't want to use it as a coping method. So far this week I've only used one. I don't think that's too bad.

 

I still have issues with my knee but am going to try walking. I'm considering getting a dog to keep me occupied. I honestly feel like I've lost control of my own life and that the person I am now is not who I am or was.

[Maggie888]

You are doing the right thing. He wasnt /isnt able to give you an open relationship at this time and you are standing your ground about not settling for OW. If you took the other route youd be underground now and dealing with the guilt of deception plus putting yourself at real risk of being devasted even further.

 

Just stay strong. Everyone here knows how hard it is. You are one of the rare ones who actually realized the wrongness and put a stop to it.

[PinkSunset]

You are doing the right thing. He wasnt /isnt able to give you an open relationship at this time and you are standing your ground about not settling for OW. If you took the other route youd be underground now and dealing with the guilt of deception plus putting yourself at real risk of being devasted even further.

 

Just stay strong. Everyone here knows how hard it is. You are one of the rare ones who actually realized the wrongness and put a stop to it.

 

 

I realize we will probably never be able to be together. His wife and child will always remember me standing in his tshirt. I will always be known as the woman Jamie cheated on his wife with. The woman who pretended to be her friend. I'll never be accepted.

 

I made the mistake of sending him an email last night saying all of this. That there is no future anymore etc. He responded but I haven't opened it. Moment of weakness because for some reason couldn't get on LS??

[Jersey born raised]

I think you fell for the street side of a "street angel / house devil" person. It takes two to make a marriage work and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Living in limbo is worse then living in hell. Pick a direction and go!

[Maggie888]

Did you read the response yet? I dont think its an impossibility you will never be together. I just dont think its possible from a healthy aspect until some time has passed. Some significant timem. You both need to heal from all this as does his wife and child. It may be in a year from now you could date successfully. I know the odds are against you. Its all so painful and hard. Be sure his wife is hurting tremendoulsy too. And Im sure Jamie is as well however not as much. I still feel he took advantageous of your nature and frankly manipulated you.

 

Its just gonna take time. So what did his reply say? Or are choosing not to read it?

[S2B]

Has he moved back home or is he still living on his own?

 

What did his email say?

[Beautywithin]

I have just read the whole thread! and i can feel your pain, i know exactly how you feel, breaking all contact would be too much right now, so slowly do it, you are worth so much more than this, a lot will say it's wrong but you can't help who you fall in love with... i hope you get the strength to close this chapter of your life and start a new one, you deserve so much more x x

[elaine567]

I realize we will probably never be able to be together. His wife and child will always remember me standing in his tshirt. I will always be known as the woman Jamie cheated on his wife with. The woman who pretended to be her friend. I'll never be accepted.

 

I think you are right, and as you never really wanted to be seen as the OW in the first place, it will not sit well with you to be viewed as a "devious, two faced, home-wrecker" for ever and ever. That will most certainly dent your confidence.

 

Weak men like Jamie are almost guaranteed to blame you when things in the future do not go right. He will most likely take himself off and cry on someone else's shoulder... He is a "victim" after all.

 

And as for the son, YOU in the t-shirt with his mother being totally distraught and his father being "caught", is the stuff of therapy sessions way into the future for him.

I doubt he will ever see you as a stepmother made in heaven.

 

I do not see happy times ahead if you do ever decide to join the Jamie wagon train.

Don't do it to yourself, is my advice.

YOU are a single woman, free as a bird, stay out of the mire.

[PinkSunset]

Did you read the response yet? I dont think its an impossibility you will never be together. I just dont think its possible from a healthy aspect until some time has passed. Some significant timem. You both need to heal from all this as does his wife and child. It may be in a year from now you could date successfully. I know the odds are against you. Its all so painful and hard. Be sure his wife is hurting tremendoulsy too. And Im sure Jamie is as well however not as much. I still feel he took advantageous of your nature and frankly manipulated you.

 

Its just gonna take time. So what did his reply say? Or are choosing not to read it?

 

Has he moved back home or is he still living on his own?

 

What did his email say?

 

Yes I read it.

 

He doesn't want me to give up. He said his wife admitted the marriage was over long ago and has agreed to try and move forward without conflict. I guess after seeing me with him that day she no longer wants the marriage to work.

They are going to try to make it the best possible outcome for their son.

 

He said he thinks about me every hour and its been hell trying to stay away.

 

He wants to see me so we can talk. I want to see him too but I know I shouldn't.

[PinkSunset]

I think you are right, and as you never really wanted to be seen as the OW in the first place, it will not sit well with you to be viewed as a "devious, two faced, home-wrecker" for ever and ever. That will most certainly dent your confidence.

 

Weak men like Jamie are almost guaranteed to blame you when things in the future do not go right. He will most likely take himself off and cry on someone else's shoulder... He is a "victim" after all.

 

And as for the son, YOU in the t-shirt with his mother being totally distraught and his father being "caught", is the stuff of therapy sessions way into the future for him.

I doubt he will ever see you as a stepmother made in heaven.

 

I do not see happy times ahead if you do ever decide to join the Jamie wagon train.

Don't do it to yourself, is my advice.

YOU are a single woman, free as a bird, stay out of the mire.

 

I think you're right. It's just hard to accept.

[SoulSearcherAt50]

Maybe you should ask yourself why his wife is so horrible.

 

She might have very good reasons.

 

Poppy.

 

 

I an try. Can I?

So in past men sometimes do hurt their wives and women can't forgive them for it.

However I do not understand why are they keeping these men if they basically hate them? It is all over the place. Bread winner? I don't see another reason.

If man hurt me I would walk.

Unfortunately in my mess no one hurt me and I can't walk from either one.

LOL

[elaine567]

I an try. Can I?

So in past men sometimes do hurt their wives and women can't forgive them for it.

However I do not understand why are they keeping these men if they basically hate them? It is all over the place. Bread winner? I don't see another reason.

If man hurt me I would walk.

Unfortunately in my mess no one hurt me and I can't walk from either one.

LOL

 

I think it is actually "love" that keeps them there.

They hark back to the wonderful days they had together, before it all got so horrible and are waiting for that lovely man to reappear.

He doesn't and that can anger and frustrate them, but they keep hoping and will then put up with any rubbish, as every now and again they see a glimpse of him and that sustains them; add kids into the mix and they are literally going nowhere.

[S2B]

Yes I read it.

 

He doesn't want me to give up. He said his wife admitted the marriage was over long ago and has agreed to try and move forward without conflict. I guess after seeing me with him that day she no longer wants the marriage to work.

They are going to try to make it the best possible outcome for their son.

 

He said he thinks about me every hour and its been hell trying to stay away.

 

He wants to see me so we can talk. I want to see him too but I know I shouldn't.

 

Tell him you will meet after the divorce is final.

 

Is he still planning to live on his own?

 

Less pain for everyone that way.

 

My suggestion would be to ask his wife if that's what they have agreed to. But that's just me.

[Maggie888]

He said his wife admitted the marriage was over long ago and has agreed to try and move forward without conflict. I guess after seeing me with him that day she no longer wants the marriage to work.

They are going to try to make it the best possible outcome for their son.

 

So does this mean Jamie is willing to be with you in an open relationship then? Bc he doesnt say that. Or does this mean he just wants you to come over and be his support and lover but keep thimgs on the down low? The obvious best course is "I will see you when the divorce is over". The next best would be "I will see you if/when we can be in an open relationship your wife and kid and family and friends know about". Anything less than that....you are still OW.

 

Dont fall for it. I dont know if Id even believe him about the wife being amicable and agreeable now. Sounds fishy to me.

 

The part about thinking of you every moment of every day is just words..easy to say but means nothimg without actions backing them up.

[S2B]

Yes I read it.

 

He doesn't want me to give up. He said his wife admitted the marriage was over long ago and has agreed to try and move forward without conflict. I guess after seeing me with him that day she no longer wants the marriage to work.

They are going to try to make it the best possible outcome for their son.

 

He said he thinks about me every hour and its been hell trying to stay away.

 

He wants to see me so we can talk. I want to see him too but I know I shouldn't.

 

Notice it doesn't exactly say he's still divorcing? It says they want the best possible outcome for their son...

 

What has happened? Did he actually file for divorce or no? Where is he living now?

 

I hope you won't see him - he's still not settled and may or may not be in transition. I can't tell because he's not specific!

 

This is for HIM to work through - you don't need to be his shoulder to cry on.

 

He needs to show his hard evidence that he has filed and his marriage is over...even so, the possibility of him going back to her is high - and then you could easily be in for even MORE hurt and pain.

 

Just keep waiting it out to see what actually happens. If he's REALLY doing things to change it - he should be willing to OFFER you evidence that he is doing just that.