Emotional Affair

[MadJackBird]

Yeah What Shattered Lady said. I just got a weird vibe about it all. Like you are hoping for an oops, maybe subconsciously you are hopping for an oops with Jamie to force him back to you.

 

If you really want to be a Mom, there are probably other avenues besides an "oops", Like I said, have you looked into adoption? Foster Care? Lot's of international adoptions allow single women to adopt.

 

Having a child involves two people and you probably need to focus on healing you, I think the oops scenario you are implying would cause yet more drama in your life that you probably don't need, because it involves another person.

 

Anyway,

 

I'd recommend going back to IC. Maybe bring up your thoughts of being a mom with your therapist. Good Luck

[anika99]

If your goal is to get pregnant then check out your local sperm bank. Don't trap some unsuspecting guy into fathering a child he didn't want or have a choice in creating.

[PinkSunset]

I think you're all taking this the wrong way. I am not intending to trap some unsuspecting guy! I am not wanting an "oops" but I'm not going to keep taking BC anymore.

I will still use condoms and whatever else I need to when I meet someone.

 

I haven't looked into adoption or foster care. I want to be pregnant and have my own child.

I would much rather like to be a family over going to a sperm bank. I am not that desperate.

 

I don't want to go back to IC right now.

[Lobe]

Honestly I'm not sure why MM stay with their wives after DDay. Wife will never trust them again and if she does she will always have that little thought in the back of her brain that wonders... I couldn't live like that.

 

They say it takes 2-5 years for a reconciliation to prove itself solid and I'm not even close to that yet. And so, I ask myself that all the time... is this worth it? Is the loss of trust and security ever NOT going to be an issue, at the back of my mind? I kicked my husband out and wished him and the OW well - I had zero intention of taking him back. I changed my mind because we have a lifetime together already. The "silver lining" of affairs for some couples is that it shines a light on what they stood to lose if the marriage fell apart. I'm not talking money and houses and sh*t, I mean the years of effort already invested, the plans that were in progress, the trials and tribulations of (in my case) decades of knowing one another as friends, lovers, partners in crime.

 

The same way you wonder how the BS could ever take the WS back, I wonder how the AP could ever trust the WS. How could you possibly think that your relationship wouldn't have serious trust issues since it was basically started with lies and deceit from the WS? How would you ever face family and friends? Kids? How would you conduct yourself when face to face with the BS? To me, it just sounds way too complicated and painful to bear that scarlet letter.

 

Pink, I think if you are serious about wanting to get pregnant, you should look at using a donor.

[jenkins95]

Post of the day for me. Great contribution lobe - as ever.

 

Reconciliation can work. Trust is rebuilt by doing the right things predictably, constantly and consistently over time. If the WS does this for, we are told, 2-5 years (and of course continue to do so for ever more), it is quite likely that the marriage can survive and trust can be rebuilt. As lobe says, if there can possibly be a positive in all this, it is that the spouses are forced to evaluate their marriage, work out what went wrong and take steps to make positive changes.

 

As a former wayward who is now in reconciliation, I have to believe this, and indeed a year into reconciliation, I feel positive.

 

Some WS are lucky enough to be given a second chance. But having seen the damage it does, as a former wayward myself, I do struggle to see how a cheater could ever be given a THIRD chance.

 

 

They say it takes 2-5 years for a reconciliation to prove itself solid and I'm not even close to that yet. And so, I ask myself that all the time... is this worth it? Is the loss of trust and security ever NOT going to be an issue, at the back of my mind? I kicked my husband out and wished him and the OW well - I had zero intention of taking him back. I changed my mind because we have a lifetime together already. The "silver lining" of affairs for some couples is that it shines a light on what they stood to lose if the marriage fell apart. I'm not talking money and houses and sh*t, I mean the years of effort already invested, the plans that were in progress, the trials and tribulations of (in my case) decades of knowing one another as friends, lovers, partners in crime.

 

The same way you wonder how the BS could ever take the WS back, I wonder how the AP could ever trust the WS. How could you possibly think that your relationship wouldn't have serious trust issues since it was basically started with lies and deceit from the WS? How would you ever face family and friends? Kids? How would you conduct yourself when face to face with the BS? To me, it just sounds way too complicated and painful to bear that scarlet letter.

 

Pink, I think if you are serious about wanting to get pregnant, you should look at using a donor.

Edited August 18, 2016 by jenkins95

[Lobe]

I do struggle to see how a cheater could ever be given a THIRD chance.

 

No such thing in my mind. Ain't nobody got time for that. I think a lot of APs give the WS wayyyyy more chances than the BS does...

[ShatteredLady]

So Pink.... Have you stopped taking contraception to help you avoid spur of the moment choices to have sex with men? I really don't understand.

 

You say that you stopped because you want to be a mother. You don't want an ooops! but we're on post 900 discussing your bad choices in life. You've been through so much. You decided that you weren't going to have sex with Jamie but until VERY recently you've been having oops & ending-up in bed with him!

 

Can you see why so many here a worried about you?

 

You're single but you are sexually active. Do you have condoms in your purse? Does Jamie know that you've stopped using contraception?

 

You still have time to meet the right man, date, get engaged, get married & THEN plan your family & stop using contraception.

 

I was 41 when I had my daughter & I'm one of the youngest in my 'Moms Group'. My husbands OW was artificially inseminated with her 2 children. You have many options that you can PLAN.

 

You want to be a mother. Do you want to spend only half the time with your child? Oops don't always end in marriage. Often it's shared custody & all the stress & pain that goes with it.

 

I'm 'keeping on' about this because I simply don't understand your decision at this time in your life. You've been through so much.

[PinkSunset]

So Pink.... Have you stopped taking contraception to help you avoid spur of the moment choices to have sex with men? I really don't understand.

 

You say that you stopped because you want to be a mother. You don't want an ooops! but we're on post 900 discussing your bad choices in life. You've been through so much. You decided that you weren't going to have sex with Jamie but until VERY recently you've been having oops & ending-up in bed with him!

 

Can you see why so many here a worried about you?

 

You're single but you are sexually active. Do you have condoms in your purse? Does Jamie know that you've stopped using contraception?

 

You still have time to meet the right man, date, get engaged, get married & THEN plan your family & stop using contraception.

 

I was 41 when I had my daughter & I'm one of the youngest in my 'Moms Group'. My husbands OW was artificially inseminated with her 2 children. You have many options that you can PLAN.

 

You want to be a mother. Do you want to spend only half the time with your child? Oops don't always end in marriage. Often it's shared custody & all the stress & pain that goes with it.

 

I'm 'keeping on' about this because I simply don't understand your decision at this time in your life. You've been through so much.

 

I don't plan on being sexually active with anyone anytime soon. I am working on me and getting better. I am spending time with my new pup and doing what I can to keep occupied.

I'm not on dating sites, I'm not speaking to Jamie or any other guy.

 

After the chemical pregnancy, I just think it's healthier for my body to be without it now.

Yes I have been through a lot in the last year, all the more reason to cleanse my body of anything unnatural and work on being healthy. What's so wrong with that?

 

Also back on the trusting your WS discussion - I think if it takes 2-5 years to trust someone again, if they stay consistent etc... But I'd imagine you'd have to really love the person in order to do that. I don't think having a past and years of a life would be worth it all the time. You should work it out because you love them and want to be with them in general... Not because you have a history. What if after 2 years you still don't trust them? What a waste of life. That voice in your head... will it ever be gone?

I have forgiven a cheater before in a past relationship and I never did fully trust him again after... but then again he never really gave much effort into gaining it back.

[PinkSunset]

Jaimie - has he tried contacting you?

 

What happens when he does? Are you strong enough to ignore his contact?

 

I'm glad that you're taking this time to create distance between you two - and focusing on something fun/positive = a new dog is awesome!

 

He emailed me once but I didn't respond. I am doing fine without him. Getting stronger every day

[Lobe]

Also back on the trusting your WS discussion - I think if it takes 2-5 years to trust someone again, if they stay consistent etc... But I'd imagine you'd have to really love the person in order to do that. I don't think having a past and years of a life would be worth it all the time. You should work it out because you love them and want to be with them in general... Not because you have a history. What if after 2 years you still don't trust them? What a waste of life. That voice in your head... will it ever be gone?

I have forgiven a cheater before in a past relationship and I never did fully trust him again after... but then again he never really gave much effort into gaining it back.

 

How is the pooch?! Are you teaching him tricks? I wanted to teach our cat to use the toilet but she's too scared of the water. Boo hoo for me lol

 

WH has been consistent and puts in all the effort a girl could ask for, including not bolting or telling me to just get over it when I have my occasional meltdowns. We've always loved each other, as kids, as friends, as friends with benefits, as lovers, as a serious relationship, as husband and wife, as Mommy and Daddy, and both leading up to the affair when we were having a rough patch and while the affair was in full swing. Neither of us has ever stopped saying I love you or believing that things would get better for us.

 

Forgive me for being harsh - I'm not intending to flame - but statistically, it seems that it is more of a waste for the OW to spend 2-5 years (months, days, hours, minutes) waiting for the MM to leave his wife than for the wife to wait 2-5 years to heal her marriage, no?

 

The general assumption is that an A is like terminal cancer to a relationship. Is reconciling a waste of time without a guarantee of success? Possibly. But life doesn't come with guarantees nor does marriage. 2-5 years to feel "past" an affair is an observed phenomenon, not a target or goal. I could decide I can't make myself trust WH 2 years from now. Or I could decide I'm not in love with him anymore 5 years from now. He could decide he doesn't love me enough to keep trying to win my trust back ten years or ten days from now. If the idea is to walk away from something that seems impossible when easy success isn't guaranteed, then no one would keep searching for a cure for cancer after they fail the first 27 clinical trials, no one would ever try and set a new olympic record, and hardly anyone would ride a bike. Nothing ventured, nothing gained - we all have to determine what's worth fighting for, waiting for, investing in, even if the cost of taking that risk is walking away with nothing but battle wounds and the knowledge we gave it our best lol.

 

Pink, you're doing great. Keep your eyes on the prize and find your own path. I hear the dog park is a great place to meet single men...

[Lobe]

How's the new doggy doing? I'm so happy you have a new forever friend!

 

I was just wondering that myself - where are Pinkie and her puppy?!?!

[PinkSunset]

Hey all,

 

Sorry it's been a while. I have been pretty busy keeping my life on track and trying not to indulge in MM. I did revert a couple times and we did talk a bit. He is still continuing with the divorce. Also his wife did in fact have a PI following him at one point he found out. He doesn't know exactly when it was but thinks it was the weekend he moved out, the weekend I visited him at the hotel.

The PI didn't find anything though. He told me he still sticks to the story that we were only involved that one weekend. Apparently she forgives him, due to the fact they hadn't been intimate in a long time... Apparently he's okay with her thinking that. I guess I am as well. As long as their son sees them happy, that is really all that matters...

 

He still wants to be with me. I still long for him a lot of the time, but I don't give in to my weakness anymore. If I feel the urge to call or text him, I take Rocco out for a walk or take him to the dog park. It helps HUGE.

 

Speaking of the dog park - I ran into one of Kevins friends there. He has a Mastiff named Jasper. He is massive, and gets along swimmingly with Rocco. We exchanged numbers as I wanted to keep in touch to help socialize my pup, but we ended up talking a lot. He is single, and has been for a long time.

Long story short - he told me that he has liked me for years, but never would have acted on it knowing I was with Kevin. I always hid a mini crush on him, but he used to be Kevins boss.

 

Anyway, I do like him, and he likes me. I would like to explore where this will go... BUT, do you think it's shady that he is going after Kevins ex girlfriend? (me). I mean, I wouldn't say they are close. He was Kevins boss for some time but both of them work somewhere else now. They barely speak. They are Facebook friends and that is pretty much it. What do you think? Should I steer clear?

[BTDT2012]

No such thing in my mind. Ain't nobody got time for that. I think a lot of APs give the WS wayyyyy more chances than the BS does...

 

My WH's AP gave him way more chances than I did for a lot less return on investment. I have the emails of her begging him to come back and offering him forgiveness for cheating on her with me.

[BTDT2012]

Honestly I'm not sure why MM stay with their wives after DDay. Wife will never trust them again and if she does she will always have that little thought in the back of her brain that wonders... I couldn't live like that.

Some of them will do the work to become trustworthy. They will work hard to address the brokenness that allowed them to have the affair.

[elaine567]

Anyway, I do like him, and he likes me. I would like to explore where this will go... BUT, do you think it's shady that he is going after Kevins ex girlfriend? (me). I mean, I wouldn't say they are close. He was Kevins boss for some time but both of them work somewhere else now. They barely speak. They are Facebook friends and that is pretty much it. What do you think? Should I steer clear?

 

I wouldn't worry about it,as you say they were never close and now hardly speak, so no big deal.

 

I have a friend whose bf cheated on her and ~2 years after she ran into one of his friends one night when she was out. They had a long chat, he wasn't in contact with the cheating bf/his friend any longer as he couldn't stand his OW/now gf and it was awkward.

He asked my friend to his works night out the following Saturday, as he had no partner and the rest is history. They are married and now have a child. He like Kevin's boss always had a thing for her, but didn't take it further as he didn't want to stand on anyone's toes at the time.

 

I say go for it.

Good luck!

[SoulCat]

Hey all,

 

Anyway, I do like him, and he likes me. I would like to explore where this will go... BUT, do you think it's shady that he is going after Kevins ex girlfriend? (me). I mean, I wouldn't say they are close. He was Kevins boss for some time but both of them work somewhere else now. They barely speak. They are Facebook friends and that is pretty much it. What do you think? Should I steer clear?

 

I'd say go for it.

He's not all that close with your ex, never has been apart from a one-time professional relationship. No real bro-code so to speak.

 

Also, this situation with the new guy is oh so much healthier than your whole entanglement with Jamie.

 

New guy will enter a relationship with you (if you were to let that happen) with a completely clean slate. No skeletons, no omissions or lies (face it, Jamie is still lying to his wife about the two of you) and no deception.

 

And your dogs get on like a house on fire!

[Cloudcuckoo]

Hey all,

 

Sorry it's been a while. I have been pretty busy keeping my life on track and trying not to indulge in MM. I did revert a couple times and we did talk a bit. He is still continuing with the divorce. Also his wife did in fact have a PI following him at one point he found out. He doesn't know exactly when it was but thinks it was the weekend he moved out, the weekend I visited him at the hotel.

The PI didn't find anything though. He told me he still sticks to the story that we were only involved that one weekend. Apparently she forgives him, due to the fact they hadn't been intimate in a long time... Apparently he's okay with her thinking that. I guess I am as well. As long as their son sees them happy, that is really all that matters...

 

He still wants to be with me. I still long for him a lot of the time, but I don't give in to my weakness anymore. If I feel the urge to call or text him, I take Rocco out for a walk or take him to the dog park. It helps HUGE.

 

Speaking of the dog park - I ran into one of Kevins friends there. He has a Mastiff named Jasper. He is massive, and gets along swimmingly with Rocco. We exchanged numbers as I wanted to keep in touch to help socialize my pup, but we ended up talking a lot. He is single, and has been for a long time.

Long story short - he told me that he has liked me for years, but never would have acted on it knowing I was with Kevin. I always hid a mini crush on him, but he used to be Kevins boss.

 

Anyway, I do like him, and he likes me. I would like to explore where this will go... BUT, do you think it's shady that he is going after Kevins ex girlfriend? (me). I mean, I wouldn't say they are close. He was Kevins boss for some time but both of them work somewhere else now. They barely speak. They are Facebook friends and that is pretty much it. What do you think? Should I steer clear?

 

EX says everything, and he's already explained that he had a secret crush AND DID NOT ACT ON IT because you were involved with someone else!

 

Live your life out of the shadows sweetie, and enjoy the company of someone who thinks you're a bit smashing!

 

Cuckoo

[stilltrying16]

Pink, good to hear from you. What a great update!

 

I agree with others. This new guy sounds like a mensch.

 

What's more, THE DOGS HAVE SPOKEN!

 

Go for it. Good luck to ya.

[PinkSunset]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies!

 

I have still been talking to the new guy everyday, and I think I will go for it. He and Kevin still have mutual friends that they both talk to, so I just hope Kevin doesn't have any ill will toward it as I am sure he will find out.

 

Also I am done with MM completely. I changed my phone number yesterday

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is my first ever post here. I'm sorry to say what brought me is my own EA with MM...first ever EA so I've been learning so much from reading everyone's posts. I relate so much to Pink's story...very similar to mine except that I never met the wife, no Dday, nor have we had intercourse to date, but email about it constantly. In our few meetups, we've done just about everything else besides it though. My EA has just surpassed the one year mark. I can't believe it's gone this long, but I really need to get off the terrible roller coaster. Seriously beginning to impact my life in terrible negative ways and it was wrong from the start but I couldn't resist this particular man. Thank you, Pink, for the chronicle of your story.

Edited September 27, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

WANTED TO ADD: Some of the differences I noted above (dday, full blown PA) I believe I am on the road to if I don't stop now. I'm normally the person people go TO for help, but in this I really need help! I am soooo lost in the rabbit hole and am vascillating between how to make him mine and doing the correct healthy thing of no contact. I have never considered myself selfish, and usually find myself too selfless, but now I see I'm not immune to selfishness and it's an ugly, unhappy discovery.

[PinkSunset]

This is my first ever post here. I'm sorry to say what brought me is my own EA with MM...first ever EA so I've been learning so much from reading everyone's posts. I relate so much to Pink's story...very similar to mine except that I never met the wife, no Dday, nor have we had intercourse to date, but email about it constantly. In our few meetups, we've done just about everything else besides it though. My EA has just surpassed the one year mark. I can't believe it's gone this long, but I really need to get off the terrible roller coaster. Seriously beginning to impact my life in terrible negative ways and it was wrong from the start but I couldn't resist this particular man. Thank you, Pink, for the chronicle of your story.

 

I know it's common for me to just say it's not worth it, but in all honesty it isn't. I thought Jamie was the one. I thought what we had was love. I thought he loved me... and maybe he did, I will never really know, but he needed something from me that he wasn't getting at home... Whether it be intimacy or just conversation. From that we grew into something I would have never guessed.

I was in your boat, and I did eventually sleep with him... Don't do it. I know it is going to be the hardest thing to cut him off but maybe you should try. Even if you wean yourself like I did... Get a dog! My dog is my knight in shining armor

Use this forum for help and strength. These people have helped me immensely. Most talk from experience. Good Luck.

 

Just curious - what made you change your number? Why now?

 

If I am going to start something new I don't want something old to keep popping up. He sends me texts every so often and I don't want any more of them.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Pink, thank you so much for your kind words. I just resumed counseling today, which I stopped when I learned MM was married, wanted to dip my toe in the A w/MM water (was already emotionally hooked by the time I learned married), and didn't want anyone (i.e. my therapist) to stop me. I have been sickly wondering if perpetrating that last naughty act would seal the deal...so sick. I'm guessing you're saying it's just going to ultimately double down my pain. There's the chance that if he hasn't been sincere, then he would disappear after completing his "hunt," because who really knows if MM intentions are 200% selfish or just 98% (w/2% concern for OW)...and I've definitely been selfish too! Thank you so much for replying. I've been checking this post for replies like every hour...that's where I'm currently at right now...sooo terribly dysfunctional and disruptive to my life!

 

Oh, and I have my mini schnauzer, whom has been my constant companion for over ten years...don't know what I would do without her. She is definitely the sweetest creature that ever was and I totally adore her! Glad you got a dog...they are 100% true love!

Edited September 27, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel
Forgot to add something

[Lobe]

Also I am done with MM completely. I changed my phone number yesterday

 

This is worth checking in for. You go, Pinkie!!!

[imperfectangel]

LOBE!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever leave again!!!!!