Emotional Affair

[MimiB]

Hey -

 

I'm also involved in an emotional affair with a married person and I've been feeling like a dumb cliche. I'm grateful for this forum, it's helping me feel like I'm not alone.

 

I started going to a therapist and she recommended this book, "The Other Woman's Affair" and I ordered it and started reading it. I'm finding it helpful so far.

 

I hope you come to a resolution about your situation. I know how hard it is to care so much. Good luck.

[PinkSunset]

Plenty MM have affairs and have no intention of leaving their wife.

Plenty MM are womanisers.

Plenty MM do wake up one day and make the decision to have an affair.

What makes you so certain Jamie is any different?

His marriage may be reeling and on the rocks from his last affair(s), how would you know?

 

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

 

He is none of those things.

 

Well, how was your relationship with Kevin before the MM came into the picture. Was it really miserable? Was it your unhappiness with Kevin that pushed you into the arms of a cheater?

 

I thought I was happy. I think I was drawn to Jamie because of the emotional aspect.

"In the arms of a cheater" ... I guess I am a cheater too.

 

Hey -

 

I'm also involved in an emotional affair with a married person and I've been feeling like a dumb cliche. I'm grateful for this forum, it's helping me feel like I'm not alone.

 

I started going to a therapist and she recommended this book, "The Other Woman's Affair" and I ordered it and started reading it. I'm finding it helpful so far.

 

I hope you come to a resolution about your situation. I know how hard it is to care so much. Good luck.

 

It is helping me as well. Right now I don't have much time to read but I will look into that book

 

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

[ChickiePops]

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

 

He is none of those things.

 

 

 

I thought I was happy. I think I was drawn to Jamie because of the emotional aspect.

"In the arms of a cheater" ... I guess I am a cheater too.

 

 

 

It is helping me as well. Right now I don't have much time to read but I will look into that book

 

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

 

The whole 'the MM I'm cheating with would never lie to me' has never made sense to me. I'm sure his wife feels the same way..or did at one point in their relationship. Of course he will lie to you..liars lie.

[JulieEverette]

So what happened with him telling his wife last night? Did he update you like he was supposed to?

[stilltrying16]

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

 

I'm very hopeful for you, PinkSunset. Hope it's a great session.

 

Take care of yourself.

[elaine567]

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

.

And why on earth would he have brought that up with you and Kev?

"Fancy another glass of wine? and btw I am the type of guy who cheats on his wife all the time... "

A bit awkward? No?

[PinkSunset]

So what happened with him telling his wife last night? Did he update you like he was supposed to?

 

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

And why on earth would he have brought that up with you and Kev?

"Fancy another glass of wine? and btw I am the type of guy who cheats on his wife all the time... "

A bit awkward? No?

 

Perhaps, I have asked him outright if he has ever cheated in the past and he says no. I have no reason not to believe him at this point.

[JulieEverette]

I have no reason not to believe him at this point

 

Well except for the fact he has lied to his wife every day for the past year very successfully.

 

You know he certainly is not above lying, has the capacity to lie, and is quite good at.

 

Looks like you have a long road ahead of you. Personally i wouldnt go away and sleep with him at all but certainly not until he has a filed agreement and 12 mo lease signed. Protect yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

Pink: First, remember that you are getting this information from him. The reality of the conversation may be vastly different.

 

Second, what you describe here is very typical and to be expected. Of course she wants to try to work it out. They are married. They should try to give it every possible chance before throwing in the towel. If the complicated nature of this process upsets you, you are going to be a very unhappy girl for quite a while.

 

If you have never been married or divorced, it's really easy to say that someone should "just get a divorce" if he or she is unhappy. As a divorced person myself, I can tell you that sometimes divorce is absolutely the right way to go. It's never easy, however, or painless. There is no such thing as "just getting a divorce." It's traumatic, stressful, and complicated, especially with children involved. Some patience, kindness, and compassion are in order for those going through it.

[stilltrying16]

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

Perhaps, I have asked him outright if he has ever cheated in the past and he says no. I have no reason not to believe him at this point.

 

For the life of me, I don't understand why he wants to rush things so much. His focus at this time should be on sorting out the crisis in his marriage- whether he chooses to leave or stay.

 

It's the worst timing for a weekend getaway! What is he thinking?

 

I hate to think of you being dragged in at this stage- possibly the ugliest. Not just she but HE should never be able to blame you for the decision to leave his M. Especially with a 7 year old kid in the picture, he is bound to second-guess himself and yo yo back and forth- even if he leaves once and for all. Any future relationship you could have with him will start on a terrible note if you are entangled with his divorce in any way- even if it's only in his mind. He needs to get out of the marriage on his own, NOT use you as a crutch!

 

Did you see your therapist today? How did it go?

 

His behavior in the past shows he is very quick to blame others for his choices and his situation. I really think it's a terrible idea for you to go away with him now of all times. Sorry, Pink

[PinkSunset]

Pink: First, remember that you are getting this information from him. The reality of the conversation may be vastly different.

 

Second, what you describe here is very typical and to be expected. Of course she wants to try to work it out. They are married. They should try to give it every possible chance before throwing in the towel. If the complicated nature of this process upsets you, you are going to be a very unhappy girl for quite a while.

 

If you have never been married or divorced, it's really easy to say that someone should "just get a divorce" if he or she is unhappy. As a divorced person myself, I can tell you that sometimes divorce is absolutely the right way to go. It's never easy, however, or painless. There is no such thing as "just getting a divorce." It's traumatic, stressful, and complicated, especially with children involved. Some patience, kindness, and compassion are in order for those going through it.

 

I guess I just don't understand how after two years of sleeping in separate rooms and basically having no intimacy or real relationship, you can just say hey! Okay now that you're fed up lets work on this?!! If it wasn't for him saying he wants out and meaning it this time, she would continue on like that! Did she intend to live that way forever? It can't be any better for her either, right?!!!

 

I know it's going to be a long and complicated and stressful road and that none of this is easy. I just don't know what my role should be here in regards to him. He wants me there for him for to know someone is going to be there. It's hard to say nope, sorry! You're on your own! It's not right IMO.

[JulieEverette]

I strongly agree with StillTrying

 

You really should extract yourself from this situation. Allow him for the sake of his son and 12 yr marraige the proper opportunity to work on the marriage without you lurking just behind Jamie with open arms.

 

There is no way to remain "friends" (secret) through this. You have to just exit stage left.

 

If he still divorces then fine. You can rekindle your love

 

So did he sleep in the bed with her last night? If she throws himself at her do you really think he would resist? With his own wife?

 

Ugh. This is a bad situation to be in Im afraid. And it will continue to be extremely hard and painful if you remain in it. The good thing is you havent taken things to the full on sexual level so extracting will be less painful.

[PinkSunset]

For the life of me, I don't understand why he wants to rush things so much. His focus at this time should be on sorting out the crisis in his marriage- whether he chooses to leave or stay.

 

It's the worst timing for a weekend getaway! What is he thinking?

 

I hate to think of you being dragged in at this stage- possibly the ugliest. Not just she but HE should never be able to blame you for the decision to leave his M. Especially with a 7 year old kid in the picture, he is bound to second-guess himself and yo yo back and forth- even if he leaves once and for all. Any future relationship you could have with him will start on a terrible note if you are entangled with his divorce in any way- even if it's only in his mind. He needs to get out of the marriage on his own, NOT use you as a crutch!

 

Did you see your therapist today? How did it go?

 

His behavior in the past shows he is very quick to blame others for his choices and his situation. I really think it's a terrible idea for you to go away with him now of all times. Sorry, Pink

 

He is being very impulsive right now I agree!

 

He said he feels like he is losing me. I think this is why he is trying to rush everything. I need to explain that rushing it and making mistakes isn't going to help anyone here.

[PinkSunset]

I strongly agree with StillTrying

 

You really should extract yourself from this situation. Allow him for the sake of his son and 12 yr marraige the proper opportunity to work on the marriage without you lurking just behind Jamie with open arms.

 

There is no way to remain "friends" (secret) through this. You have to just exit stage left.

 

If he still divorces then fine. You can rekindle your love

 

So did he sleep in the bed with her last night? If she throws himself at her do you really think he would resist? With his own wife?

 

Ugh. This is a bad situation to be in Im afraid. And it will continue to be extremely hard and painful if you remain in it. The good thing is you havent taken things to the full on sexual level so extracting will be less painful.

 

It's hard to just leave him be...Knowing that he will be alone in this. I will try to discuss this in therapy

 

I didn't ask if he slept in her bed. I would assume that NO, he didn't. I guess I should ask that question?! I can't see him doing it. He isn't attracted to her anymore he told me... But who knows! The only sexual contact he's had in the last two years have been with me, so he says... And we haven't even done it! My mind is all over the place right now.

[elaine567]

Well except for the fact he has lied to his wife every day for the past year very successfully.

 

You know he certainly is not above lying, has the capacity to lie, and is quite good at.

He just lied to his wife through his teeth today

"She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy."

[Grapesofwrath]

I guess I just don't understand how after two years of sleeping in separate rooms and basically having no intimacy or real relationship, you can just say hey! Okay now that you're fed up lets work on this?!! If it wasn't for him saying he wants out and meaning it this time, she would continue on like that! Did she intend to live that way forever? It can't be any better for her either, right?!!!

 

I know it's going to be a long and complicated and stressful road and that none of this is easy. I just don't know what my role should be here in regards to him. He wants me there for him for to know someone is going to be there. It's hard to say nope, sorry! You're on your own! It's not right IMO.

 

Are you 100% certain they have been sleeping in separate rooms? Has she corroborated this for you? If not, then you can't be sure it's true. Even if it is true, it doesn't change my first response: It makes complete sense for them to try to be intimate again. They are married. They are going to try to stay married. Staying married is MUCH easier than getting divorced. Even if they have issues. Even if, from your POV, she mistreats him. Staying married is easier, especially if your family "doesn't believe in divorce."

 

What you are seeing is very typical. It's a crisis, so she is responding by trying with renewed effort to work on the marriage.

 

I will share a memory as an example: My parents divorced when I was about 11 years old. One of my final memories of them as a couple is the two of them snuggling on the couch in our family room. Just weeks before my father moved out. They were on the verge of divorce, yet they were trying to fight it. Trying to make it work. Trying to rekindle something somehow to prevent splitting up our family. People do that.

 

Best thing you can do is get out of the picture and let him handle his business.

 

And I agree that this is not the right time for a weekend getaway. Unless you want a D-Day and for the $hit to really hit the fan.

[JulieEverette]

I

I guess I just don't understand how after two years of sleeping in separate rooms and basically having no intimacy or real relationship, you can just say hey! Okay now that you're fed up lets work on this?!! If it wasn't for him saying he wants out and meaning it this time, she would continue on like that! Did she intend to live that way forever? It can't be any better for her either, right?!!!

 

This was likely never an accurate picture of their marriage anyway. All MM say they are "roommates". It is very likely there was still something there between them physically at times and emotionally. At least off and on or occasionnally, maybe even more. Which then of course explains why she wants to save things.

 

Judge Judy says if it deosnt make sense it isnt true. Your gut is screaming to you this doesnt make sense. But its not bc BS is absurd. Its more likely bc things were never exactly how they were portrayed to you.

[elaine567]

I didn't ask if he slept in her bed. I would assume that NO, he didn't. I guess I should ask that question?! I can't see him doing it. He isn't attracted to her anymore he told me... But who knows! The only sexual contact he's had in the last two years have been with me, so he says... And we haven't even done it! My mind is all over the place right now.

 

OK so this man despite being in close contact with two women, one being his wife who he lives with, is getting no real sex whatsoever for 2 years? and you believe him?

 

Affairs and The "Other Woman": Lies Mistresses Tell Themselves - Straight Talk 4 Women-OLD

[JulieEverette]

He isn't attracted to her anymore he told me... But who knows! The only sexual contact he's had in the last two years have been with me, so he says... And we haven't even done it.

 

Oh dear lord. And you believe this?

 

I mean yes it is possible. But very very unlikely based on the other information you have given.

[Lady Hamilton]

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

 

Nothing resuscitates a marriage where people are taken for granted like the idea it will end.

 

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

 

Which was astute because her instinct is right, of course.

 

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

 

Divorce is not a unicorn. It exists. Her not participating in it doesn't negate its existence and is not an excuse by him to not get one. In fact, if she doesn't participate in the process, the divorce will take longer but will be far easier to obtain.

 

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

Legally she may have a point. He'd better talk to the lawyer before leaving. He may need to file paperwork before leaving to negate the abandonment claim. Our state nukes you on both custody and property if you leave and then file as opposed to filing then leaving.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

And today you will remember as one of the easy days, before everything got hard and complicated.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

Before you leave, call and tell her you're going. Because if you go out of town with him right now, that's basically what you're doing.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

Lots of talk about what you want, what you feel, how you are reacting... Not so much about anything else, except for how it relates to you. Interesting.

 

If I were you I'd focus on the long game as opposed to your short game. You're so focused on what you think, want, feel, and lament now but I don't think you've thought at all about anything beyond the immediate. I think you've thought even less about anybody beyond you, except for a tiny bit about him.

[PinkSunset]

OK so this man despite being in close contact with two women, one being his wife who he lives with, is getting no real sex whatsoever for 2 years? and you believe him?

 

Affairs and The "Other Woman": Lies Mistresses Tell Themselves - Straight Talk 4 Women-OLD

 

Oh dear lord. And you believe this?

 

I mean yes it is possible. But very very unlikely based on the other information you have given.

 

I realize how ridiculous it sounds. At least I know for sure since we've been more intimate he definitely hasn't done anything with her. I won't get into details about how much time he has previously spent "alone".

 

Nothing resuscitates a marriage where people are taken for granted like the idea it will end.

 

 

 

Which was astute because her instinct is right, of course.

 

 

 

Divorce is not a unicorn. It exists. Her not participating in it doesn't negate its existence and is not an excuse by him to not get one. In fact, if she doesn't participate in the process, the divorce will take longer but will be far easier to obtain.

 

 

 

Legally she may have a point. He'd better talk to the lawyer before leaving. He may need to file paperwork before leaving to negate the abandonment claim. Our state nukes you on both custody and property if you leave and then file as opposed to filing then leaving.

 

 

 

And today you will remember as one of the easy days, before everything got hard and complicated.

 

 

 

Before you leave, call and tell her you're going. Because if you go out of town with him right now, that's basically what you're doing.

 

 

 

Lots of talk about what you want, what you feel, how you are reacting... Not so much about anything else, except for how it relates to you. Interesting.

 

If I were you I'd focus on the long game as opposed to your short game. You're so focused on what you think, want, feel, and lament now but I don't think you've thought at all about anything beyond the immediate. I think you've thought even less about anybody beyond you, except for a tiny bit about him.

 

Well, I am here for me, am I not?

I can only judge and say how Jamie feels to a certain extent and when I have done this everyone on here tells me he is probably lying. I did post a couple of Jamie's emails earlier in the thread which seemingly turned everyone against him. He has since apologized for the way he was...

 

If she figures out we have been having an A I think it will make his life that much harder and that is why he does not just tell her. YES, he is lying to her. YES he has been lying to her.

 

He doesn't want me in the middle of anything and frankly I don't want to be. Him and I taking off for the weekend is bad news. I just told him it's not a good idea and he should spend the weekend looking for a place to live, and not to move until he is sure it won't effect anything with their child. He said he is staying in a hotel for the weekend.

[ChickiePops]

I realize how ridiculous it sounds. At least I know for sure since we've been more intimate he definitely hasn't done anything with her. I won't get into details about how much time he has previously spent "alone".

 

 

 

Well, I am here for me, am I not?

I can only judge and say how Jamie feels to a certain extent and when I have done this everyone on here tells me he is probably lying. I did post a couple of Jamie's emails earlier in the thread which seemingly turned everyone against him. He has since apologized for the way he was...

 

If she figures out we have been having an A I think it will make his life that much harder and that is why he does not just tell her. YES, he is lying to her. YES he has been lying to her.

 

He doesn't want me in the middle of anything and frankly I don't want to be. Him and I taking off for the weekend is bad news. I just told him it's not a good idea and he should spend the weekend looking for a place to live, and not to move until he is sure it won't effect anything with their child. He said he is staying in a hotel for the weekend.

 

I believe that you're doing the best you can.

 

But stay strong and don't give in. For your own sake. Don't give him anything until he shows you divorce papers.

[elaine567]

I realize how ridiculous it sounds. At least I know for sure since we've been more intimate he definitely hasn't done anything with her. I won't get into details about how much time he has previously spent "alone".

 

This is nonsense, how do you know "for sure" he hasn't been intimate with her?

Because he tells you...

[onemanband]

sorry to say but he could tell you anything and you would believe him, about the sex thing all i will say is you cant tell from that, why do you think he wouldnt lie to you ?

[JulieEverette]

What Elaine said.

 

Is it so hard to imagine that night after night, there might have been a break in the tension. They obviously bond over their son and do things together as a family. Im sure they watch movies, and generally have good dispositions around the child. You cant imagine a scenario where child falls asleep....MM or BS is feeling a little randy, and they partake in their spouse of 12 years?

 

I think its very well possible they could have even last night.

 

Question-- if Jamie doesnt want you in the middle of things, then why is he still in contact and asking you to stay by his side. (Not to mention stay at a hotel with him)

 

If you want you do the right thing and not be an OW then why are you still in contact with him?

 

Either be an OW or dont. But dont be one but try to call it something elsel or deny that its what it is.

Edited May 12, 2016 by JulieEverette