Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

I do plan on taking a step back while this is going on. He needs to be able to deal with this himself but I will be here for him if he needs me to a certain degree.

 

Grapes - I think she would be the type to sue me for alienation of affection. Another reason for me to stay away during this time.

 

The way he has brought it out to me, whether it be fact or not, is that he has prolonged the divorce because he knows she will fight him on everything. He SAYS that she is comfortable in the life she lives and faking their marriage to everyone but yet at home it's a different story.

 

I can say I was the catalyst for pushing him to finally end his unhappiness. However I think if someone is truly happy in their relationship they wouldn't have room to invite someone else in.

Even in my case with Kevin. I never felt emotionally fulfilled even though I knew he loved me and I loved him.

 

If he is only doing this to appease me? I hope not. Is he missing me and has withdrawal? Probably, but I am waiting to see if he actually talks to his wife tonight. If he doesn't, then I know it isn't real.

[SomethingToSay]

But how will you even know if he talks to her. He can certainly say yeah I did. How will you know what her reaction was, what he said, who cried, who proclaimed love, etc etc?

 

 

You wont. That's why his words don't matter. All you need to look for is actual papers.

 

 

Until then, you are just putting yourself out on limb emotionally and in even far greater ways than that. I know you want to jump back in b/c you miss him. But you cant just keep moving your line in the sand and lessening your expectations so you can get immediate gratification. You need papers (signed retainer agreement, cancelled check, signed lease, filed separation/divorce papers). Until then, "being there to some extent" = you are still the OW.

 

 

And please consider stopping with the digs on the BS. Its like you cannot resist. You don't even know her. SO why would you say "she is the type"....or that she "fakes" her marriage? How would you know?

 

 

Just trying to break you of this mindset. Its almost like you are brainwashed or obsessed with BS.

[PinkSunset]

Agree marriages break down on their own accord. however if a spouse is willing to just stick it out for 4 years being miserable/content....and then all of a sudden OW comes in the picture and he suddenly has the impetus/drive to divorce

 

 

then its BECAUSE of the OW.

 

 

OW doesn't cause the pre-existing marital problems in effect before MM and OW met. But she was the catalyst for the divorce.

 

 

had there been no OW, most MM will just continue to suffer/be content.

 

 

I mean, this particularly MM Jamie....it is very clear he had no intention or drive to leave his marriage until PinkSunset gave him an ultimatum.

 

 

So assuming he divorces, the actual act of taking that step was due to OW ultimatum.

 

 

She may not have caused the marriage to be a bad one (IF it is even bad); but she is the proximate cause for the divorce.

 

 

In that regard, yes she will have in effect broken up the marriage. (By being the proximate cause to MM filing for divorce.)

 

It's hard for me to beleive that his marriage isn't a bad one.

 

If his marriage was a good one, neither Jamie or I would be in this situation. He is not a womanizer who goes from one to the next.

 

He is 38 years old and has been married since he was 26. That is 12 years of marriage to this woman. 12 years of ups and downs. He didn't just wake up and decide one day he wanted to have an affair.

[PinkSunset]

But how will you even know if he talks to her. He can certainly say yeah I did. How will you know what her reaction was, what he said, who cried, who proclaimed love, etc etc?

 

 

You wont. That's why his words don't matter. All you need to look for is actual papers.

 

 

Until then, you are just putting yourself out on limb emotionally and in even far greater ways than that. I know you want to jump back in b/c you miss him. But you cant just keep moving your line in the sand and lessening your expectations so you can get immediate gratification. You need papers (signed retainer agreement, cancelled check, signed lease, filed separation/divorce papers). Until then, "being there to some extent" = you are still the OW.

 

 

And please consider stopping with the digs on the BS. Its like you cannot resist. You don't even know her. SO why would you say "she is the type"....or that she "fakes" her marriage? How would you know?

 

 

Just trying to break you of this mindset. Its almost like you are brainwashed or obsessed with BS.

 

I am going by what he has told me and from what I know of her. I agree with you that I need to get out of that mindset. I just feel like it's a competition even though it's not. I don't want to be in this "choose me" game because it's not even about that.

[noelle303]

Is it possible that as another OW, you are simply projecting what you had hoped that your xMM would have done? The fact of the matter is, if you go to the infidelity section, BWs and BHs are criticized if they participate in the "humiliating dance of pick me" but that is essentially what this OW has done. She has told Jamie to pick her over Joe, whilst saying that she never wanted Jamie to leave because of her. That is essentially two-faced and quite frankly her lack of remorse for her role of disparaging Joe and casting her in a constant negative light to Jamie is downright callous.

 

No, it's not projection on my part. My affair was a physical one more than emotional and therefore I never even expected him to leave his wife.

 

As for the ''pick me'', I honestly did not get that impression? From what I've read the OP wanted to withdraw herself and diminished contact and that is when MM decided that he wants to go through with ending his marriage. Therefore, he had a chance to go back to possibly work things out with his wife and he chose not to.

 

But that is just my perception, it's obviously different from yours.

[PinkSunset]

Is it possible that as another OW, you are simply projecting what you had hoped that your xMM would have done? The fact of the matter is, if you go to the infidelity section, BWs and BHs are criticized if they participate in the "humiliating dance of pick me" but that is essentially what this OW has done. She has told Jamie to pick her over Joe, whilst saying that she never wanted Jamie to leave because of her. That is essentially two-faced and quite frankly her lack of remorse for her role of disparaging Joe and casting her in a constant negative light to Jamie is downright callous.

 

I need to get one thing straight here:

 

Jamie and I don't sit around and talk bad about his wife and about his horrible marriage and laugh like two evil trolls with a big bad plan all the time! You are making it seem like I set out to do all of this and that I am turning Jamie against Joe which I am NOT.

We barely talk about her at all at this point. When we are together we do couple things, we talk about the future or how our day was that day etc. We cook together and swim together, cuddle, watch movies. We talk a lot and about everything under the sun. She isn't a thought in our heads but his marriage is/was the elephant in the room. It needs to be dealt with!

 

I did tell Jamie to get a divorce or I am out of this yes, because continuing what we are doing whilst he is married is a horrid thing IMO. I am surprised I let it go this far. I didn't say choose me or her, I didn't mean it in that context and HE knows it.

[PinkSunset]

No, it's not projection on my part. My affair was a physical one more than emotional and therefore I never even expected him to leave his wife.

 

As for the ''pick me'', I honestly did not get that impression? From what I've read the OP wanted to withdraw herself and diminished contact and that is when MM decided that he wants to go through with ending his marriage. Therefore, he had a chance to go back to possibly work things out with his wife and he chose not to.

 

But that is just my perception, it's obviously different from yours.

 

^^^ This!

 

Thank you for getting it.

[stilltrying16]

Yes you deserve an explanation.....his wife deserves the truth.....there is alot of mistreatment going around

 

As for your truth, I think at some point you must accept that the truth is Jamie loved to fantasize about leaving and how he is trapped and so forth....but tha painful truth is he just doesnt want to face all the struggles that come with that. He probably does love you....in your current role as emotional support/special friend/AP. And Im sure he "wishes" circumstances were different but at the same time is not willing to DO anything to make those circumstances different.

 

Another possibility is his wife had aDDay...looked thru his ohine while he was passed out....and he has going NC to save his marriage.

 

Just out of curiosity had you ever checked his wifes social media pages?

 

Something to say, I had the same thought about his wife having caught him cheating, except I thought it might have happened even before PinkSunset met him. To me her public snippiness to him (while she was friendly to everyone else) was just so easy to imagine if she felt she had been wronged by him in some way. And had chosen to reconcile but still harbored resentment. But then it turned out that the miscarriage was the reason for their tense relationship (so so so sad). But I'm still not ruling out the possibility of earlier cheating episodes. However, PinkSunset will have a better idea about this obviously.

 

PinkSunset I commend you for listening to the advice here and trying to pull back! I think you are questioning a lot more things about Jamie than you were before.

Edited May 11, 2016 by stilltrying16
clarification

[PinkSunset]

Something to say, I had the same thought about his wife having caught him cheating, except I thought it might have happened even before PinkSunset met him. To me her public snippiness to him (while she was friendly to everyone else) was just so easy to imagine if she felt she had been wronged by him in some way. And had chosen to reconcile but still harbored resentment. But then it turned out that the miscarriage was the reason for their tense relationship (so so so sad). But I'm still not ruling out the possibility of earlier cheating episodes. However, PinkSunset will have a better idea about this obviously.

 

PinkSunset I commend you for listening to the advice here and trying to pull back! I think you are questioning a lot more things about Jamie than you were before.

 

From what he has told me, he has never cheated in the past. I am the first woman he has had romantic feelings for since being with his wife. I guess you can take that with a grain of salt?

 

And thank you. It's helped me a lot making decisions thus far. I am definitely questioning more things.

[elaine567]

It's hard for me to beleive that his marriage isn't a bad one.

 

If his marriage was a good one, neither Jamie or I would be in this situation. He is not a womanizer who goes from one to the next.

 

He is 38 years old and has been married since he was 26. That is 12 years of marriage to this woman. 12 years of ups and downs. He didn't just wake up and decide one day he wanted to have an affair.

 

Plenty MM have affairs and have no intention of leaving their wife.

Plenty MM are womanisers.

Plenty MM do wake up one day and make the decision to have an affair.

What makes you so certain Jamie is any different?

His marriage may be reeling and on the rocks from his last affair(s), how would you know?

[onemanband]

omg i have a bridge in brooklyn i want to sell you, what happens when he finds a friend at work?,things change when you are around 24/7 not just on thursday

i think you will feel the wrath of his wife,once she finds out its you ,one more thing most people have that same feeling when they meet someone new im sure you had it with kevin.

[anika99]

It's hard for me to beleive that his marriage isn't a bad one.

 

If his marriage was a good one, neither Jamie or I would be in this situation. He is not a womanizer who goes from one to the next.

 

He is 38 years old and has been married since he was 26. That is 12 years of marriage to this woman. 12 years of ups and downs. He didn't just wake up and decide one day he wanted to have an affair.

 

Well, how was your relationship with Kevin before the MM came into the picture. Was it really miserable? Was it your unhappiness with Kevin that pushed you into the arms of a cheater?

[JulieEverette]

I didn't say choose me or her. I didn't mean it in that context and he knows it

 

In his mind he is most definitely choosing between you two.

 

I believe the options presented by you were either stay married to wife, or be with you.

[MimiB]

Hey -

 

I'm also involved in an emotional affair with a married person and I've been feeling like a dumb cliche. I'm grateful for this forum, it's helping me feel like I'm not alone.

 

I started going to a therapist and she recommended this book, "The Other Woman's Affair" and I ordered it and started reading it. I'm finding it helpful so far.

 

I hope you come to a resolution about your situation. I know how hard it is to care so much. Good luck.

[PinkSunset]

Plenty MM have affairs and have no intention of leaving their wife.

Plenty MM are womanisers.

Plenty MM do wake up one day and make the decision to have an affair.

What makes you so certain Jamie is any different?

His marriage may be reeling and on the rocks from his last affair(s), how would you know?

 

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

 

He is none of those things.

 

Well, how was your relationship with Kevin before the MM came into the picture. Was it really miserable? Was it your unhappiness with Kevin that pushed you into the arms of a cheater?

 

I thought I was happy. I think I was drawn to Jamie because of the emotional aspect.

"In the arms of a cheater" ... I guess I am a cheater too.

 

Hey -

 

I'm also involved in an emotional affair with a married person and I've been feeling like a dumb cliche. I'm grateful for this forum, it's helping me feel like I'm not alone.

 

I started going to a therapist and she recommended this book, "The Other Woman's Affair" and I ordered it and started reading it. I'm finding it helpful so far.

 

I hope you come to a resolution about your situation. I know how hard it is to care so much. Good luck.

 

It is helping me as well. Right now I don't have much time to read but I will look into that book

 

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

[ChickiePops]

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

 

He is none of those things.

 

 

 

I thought I was happy. I think I was drawn to Jamie because of the emotional aspect.

"In the arms of a cheater" ... I guess I am a cheater too.

 

 

 

It is helping me as well. Right now I don't have much time to read but I will look into that book

 

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

 

The whole 'the MM I'm cheating with would never lie to me' has never made sense to me. I'm sure his wife feels the same way..or did at one point in their relationship. Of course he will lie to you..liars lie.

[JulieEverette]

So what happened with him telling his wife last night? Did he update you like he was supposed to?

[stilltrying16]

I go to see my therapist today for the first time in three years. I am nervous but hoping to get some more support and help to figure out how I even ended up in this situation.

 

I'm very hopeful for you, PinkSunset. Hope it's a great session.

 

Take care of yourself.

[elaine567]

I just don't believe he would lie to me about if he had any previous affairs. He could have told Kevin and I that back in the beginning when neither of us had any emotional investment and he didn't.

.

And why on earth would he have brought that up with you and Kev?

"Fancy another glass of wine? and btw I am the type of guy who cheats on his wife all the time... "

A bit awkward? No?

[PinkSunset]

So what happened with him telling his wife last night? Did he update you like he was supposed to?

 

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

And why on earth would he have brought that up with you and Kev?

"Fancy another glass of wine? and btw I am the type of guy who cheats on his wife all the time... "

A bit awkward? No?

 

Perhaps, I have asked him outright if he has ever cheated in the past and he says no. I have no reason not to believe him at this point.

[JulieEverette]

I have no reason not to believe him at this point

 

Well except for the fact he has lied to his wife every day for the past year very successfully.

 

You know he certainly is not above lying, has the capacity to lie, and is quite good at.

 

Looks like you have a long road ahead of you. Personally i wouldnt go away and sleep with him at all but certainly not until he has a filed agreement and 12 mo lease signed. Protect yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

Pink: First, remember that you are getting this information from him. The reality of the conversation may be vastly different.

 

Second, what you describe here is very typical and to be expected. Of course she wants to try to work it out. They are married. They should try to give it every possible chance before throwing in the towel. If the complicated nature of this process upsets you, you are going to be a very unhappy girl for quite a while.

 

If you have never been married or divorced, it's really easy to say that someone should "just get a divorce" if he or she is unhappy. As a divorced person myself, I can tell you that sometimes divorce is absolutely the right way to go. It's never easy, however, or painless. There is no such thing as "just getting a divorce." It's traumatic, stressful, and complicated, especially with children involved. Some patience, kindness, and compassion are in order for those going through it.

[stilltrying16]

Yes, he updated me... What he told me today has made me upset.

 

She now wants to work on their marriage?! and have him move back into her bedroom! Is this a joke??

She thinks he has someone else otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave! He denied this he said, he told her that he was sick of being unhappy.

She told him she nor her family believe in divorce and that she wouldn't give him one!

He told her he is going to start looking for a place to live right away. I guess she accused him of abandoning their son.

 

He told me that it didn't matter, he is going to go through with meeting the lawyer again next week and putting a retainer. He is hoping she will come around by then but he said it's not likely. He is worried about his son already.

 

He asked if we could get away for the weekend. I really would love to. I am just afraid that she has him under a microscope now and might figure something out.

 

I know I should be staying away right now but I am struggling.

 

Perhaps, I have asked him outright if he has ever cheated in the past and he says no. I have no reason not to believe him at this point.

 

For the life of me, I don't understand why he wants to rush things so much. His focus at this time should be on sorting out the crisis in his marriage- whether he chooses to leave or stay.

 

It's the worst timing for a weekend getaway! What is he thinking?

 

I hate to think of you being dragged in at this stage- possibly the ugliest. Not just she but HE should never be able to blame you for the decision to leave his M. Especially with a 7 year old kid in the picture, he is bound to second-guess himself and yo yo back and forth- even if he leaves once and for all. Any future relationship you could have with him will start on a terrible note if you are entangled with his divorce in any way- even if it's only in his mind. He needs to get out of the marriage on his own, NOT use you as a crutch!

 

Did you see your therapist today? How did it go?

 

His behavior in the past shows he is very quick to blame others for his choices and his situation. I really think it's a terrible idea for you to go away with him now of all times. Sorry, Pink

[PinkSunset]

Pink: First, remember that you are getting this information from him. The reality of the conversation may be vastly different.

 

Second, what you describe here is very typical and to be expected. Of course she wants to try to work it out. They are married. They should try to give it every possible chance before throwing in the towel. If the complicated nature of this process upsets you, you are going to be a very unhappy girl for quite a while.

 

If you have never been married or divorced, it's really easy to say that someone should "just get a divorce" if he or she is unhappy. As a divorced person myself, I can tell you that sometimes divorce is absolutely the right way to go. It's never easy, however, or painless. There is no such thing as "just getting a divorce." It's traumatic, stressful, and complicated, especially with children involved. Some patience, kindness, and compassion are in order for those going through it.

 

I guess I just don't understand how after two years of sleeping in separate rooms and basically having no intimacy or real relationship, you can just say hey! Okay now that you're fed up lets work on this?!! If it wasn't for him saying he wants out and meaning it this time, she would continue on like that! Did she intend to live that way forever? It can't be any better for her either, right?!!!

 

I know it's going to be a long and complicated and stressful road and that none of this is easy. I just don't know what my role should be here in regards to him. He wants me there for him for to know someone is going to be there. It's hard to say nope, sorry! You're on your own! It's not right IMO.

[JulieEverette]

I strongly agree with StillTrying

 

You really should extract yourself from this situation. Allow him for the sake of his son and 12 yr marraige the proper opportunity to work on the marriage without you lurking just behind Jamie with open arms.

 

There is no way to remain "friends" (secret) through this. You have to just exit stage left.

 

If he still divorces then fine. You can rekindle your love

 

So did he sleep in the bed with her last night? If she throws himself at her do you really think he would resist? With his own wife?

 

Ugh. This is a bad situation to be in Im afraid. And it will continue to be extremely hard and painful if you remain in it. The good thing is you havent taken things to the full on sexual level so extracting will be less painful.