Emotional Affair

[stilltrying16]

It could be. She would not be intimate with him for a couple years prior to this because of the way she felt about not becoming pregnant.

Jamie also said that the way she treated him turned him off so he didn't want to sleep with her anymore anyway.

I think their marriage was in dire straights before Jamie and I even went to that level. I think it was just easier for him because he craved it so much.

 

I am just the idiot because I had a great guy already and I felt sorry for Jamie. I overlooked my own relationship for the sake of someone else and I still feel so terrible about it.

 

PinkSunset, here's the way I see it: you have a great capacity for empathy. You also have a great need to be empathetic. Your need to be empathetic will sometimes drown out the little doubting voice that protects many of us from being played. And it might drown out the instinct for self-preservation that prevents us from taking risks for others. Without that necessary skepticism you might occasionally find yourself being carried away by empathy- to the point when you a) endanger your own emotional well-bring, and b) actually misplace the empathy and gift it to someone who doesn't deserve it, or withhold it from someone who does.

 

Both those things might have happened here- I'm not sure they did, but there's a chance that they did. And that would be awful if you'd committed yourself to some irreversible course of action. But the point is you didn't. You haven't. You stepped back -you waited for more facts, and more perspective.

 

Don't forget that you thought to open this thread, to listen patiently to what the doubters among us said. Even if you reacted defensively at first (and who wouldn't- you got some very tough but totally on point talk here) you still mulled over what was said and used it to pull yourself back.

 

Taking risks for others, wanting to help others, is not a terrible thing. Far from it. It just needs to be balanced with skepticism and with a willingness to ask how we know what we think we know. The balance seems easy to those who don't feel suffer from excess of empathy or excess of skepticism but it really isn't easy. I would much rather have the capacity for empathy you do and then ask myself tough questions about whether that empathy is called for, whether it is being wasted on someone who might not deserve it, and whether it is being withheld from someone who does. You're well on your way to finding that balance. I admire you for that. I think there is a chance you're going to walk away from this situation having made things better, not worse.

 

I also want to add that there is a chance that Jamie wasn't misrepresenting everything. My point simply was that you didn't have enough information to be able to tell. Therefore it would be unwise to act on the information you thought you had. And ultimately, after debating various options here, you haven't so far acted on unverified information. If Jamie's motives are good, then he will understand why you chose to pull back. If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you IMO. If Kevin eventually figures out that your motives were good, he might come back around. If he doesn't, then yes, it's a loss, explained by bad timing more than anything (he'd already walked away before you started your thread). That happens in life- your motives were good, and you were trying to help. Don't beat yourself up now.

 

There are people who feel a forbidden longing first then find all sorts of ethical justification for it. With you it was the other way around- you felt an ethical pull toward Jamie (rightly or wrongly), abandoned skepticism, and all of this led you to develop feelings for him. You let those feelings carry you away to a point, but then pulled back and are waiting for actual facts and action from him. This second pattern, the one you followed, is so much saner than the first, IMO.

 

Sorry I'm going on and on and am probably being very vague and abstract! Gotta go but I'll come back and revise for clarity. Sending you tons of good wishes and hugs!!

Edited May 17, 2016 by stilltrying16

[S2B]

If he really intends to divorce her then what is he doing still worried about her and talking to her about it all? That appears to be actions from a person that's trying to work it out.

 

Was he staying with her last night or on his own in the hotel?

 

Using the excuse of his son is crappy - lots of kids know their parents dated after separating. But he's not separated yet, right? So that step is still up to him.

 

 

Soooo, you're waiting on him and he keeps running back to her = which means that you're really waiting on her - because he doesn't seems to be miserable enough to file AND move permanently.

 

And even after he files it looks like he waits another 18 months to get it finalized? You willing to wait that long for him to take you out like a normal date?

 

What's it worth to YOU? Waiting? Is that what you want?

 

If he stays you're waiting and if he leaves you're waiting...is that enough for you to be happy?

 

You deserve to be happy too!

[noelle303]

So are you saying I should tell his wife?

 

Does he plan on disclosing his relationship with you once he officially leaves her?

 

Because I do agree that she has the right to know and that he should be honest with the woman he spent over a decade of his life with.

 

I mean, as much as I don't believe that a third party can break two people up, I do think that you were a least a factor behind his motivation to change the ''status quo'' of their life and leave, that is important for her to know so she can get appropriate closure on her marriage.

[PinkSunset]

I don't think it's fair to say or ask why or whether or not he cares about his wife at this point. If he didn't care about her at all or in some way I would honestly be shocked by that and taken back.

Of course he cares about her, she is the mother of his son. If you spend 12 years with someone you don't just leave and not try to work out some kind of agreement with them or get on the same page (minus the A). Maybe if the circumstances were different but here they are not and she doesn't know anything about the A.

 

It sounds like most of you just expect him to just say SEE YA and move out and not look back or care about what's next. I don't expect that of him and I don't think any of you should be telling me to expect that either.

 

I DO expect that he at least find a place to live in the next week or so. I DO expect that he try to stay respectful even if she isn't.

 

He sent me an email this morning and did say that she won't agree to anything he has brought up. He is looking at a place tonight to move into and still sees the lawyer tomorrow. He still thinks she has someone following him.

[PinkSunset]

Does he plan on disclosing his relationship with you once he officially leaves her?

 

Because I do agree that she has the right to know and that he should be honest with the woman he spent over a decade of his life with.

 

I mean, as much as I don't believe that a third party can break two people up, I do think that you were a least a factor behind his motivation to change the ''status quo'' of their life and leave, that is important for her to know so she can get appropriate closure on her marriage.

 

He does plan on disclosing when the time is right. We thought it's probably best to wait a few months into the separation before we stop being careful. Even then, he would prefer until the divorce goes through but we will see.

 

I think if it wasn't for me showing him he could be happy again, he wouldn't be leaving. You are right on that... He would still stay in his unhappy marriage.

[S2B]

Pink - a few things I'm confused about. Did he previously see a lawyer like he said a few weeks ago? And has he been staying at the hotel all week or did he go back home?

[elaine567]

 

It sounds like most of you just expect him to just say SEE YA and move out and not look back or care about what's next. I don't expect that of him and I don't think any of you should be telling me to expect that either.

 

OK, so he is living at home again.

[Sunnycalb808]

The narrative cheaters create to justify what they are doing......sigh

 

He is being so decent to her bc he cares and has history and certainly wont just "abandon" her.....yet he is lying thru his teeth daily, gaslighting her when she asks over and over if there is someone else...

 

He is doing it this way...hiding the affair...to help HIMSELF. And to keep a door open with her in case he changes his mind.

 

Lets call a spade a spade and not paint this man as "doing the right thing" by leaving gradually or trying to "talk" to her

 

I still dont Get why you are staying in contact. Why not just have him contact you once divorce is filed and he has a 12 mo lease in place. I mean he isnt even giving you anything currently support or companiomship wise now anyway.

[PinkSunset]

Pink - a few things I'm confused about. Did he previously see a lawyer like he said a few weeks ago? And has he been staying at the hotel all week or did he go back home?

 

He did see a lawyer already. His second appointment is tomorrow. He was trying to get his wife to give him and idea of what she would be okay with in the separation agreement but he has gotten no where with it or with her.

 

I didn't ask if he is still at the hotel. He is going to see a house tonight to move into, that's all I know right now. I haven't responded to his email.

[PinkSunset]

The narrative cheaters create to justify what they are doing......sigh

 

He is being so decent to her bc he cares and has history and certainly wont just "abandon" her.....yet he is lying thru his teeth daily, gaslighting her when she asks over and over if there is someone else...

 

He is doing it this way...hiding the affair...to help HIMSELF. And to keep a door open with her in case he changes his mind.

 

Lets call a spade a spade and not paint this man as "doing the right thing" by leaving gradually or trying to "talk" to her

 

I still dont Get why you are staying in contact. Why not just have him contact you once divorce is filed and he has a 12 mo lease in place. I mean he isnt even giving you anything currently support or companiomship wise now anyway.

 

I think self preservation isn't a bad idea in his case because her family can afford pitbull lawyers and I don't blame him. If he is unhappy in his marriage and wants to leave, why does she want to make him stay? Why fight him on everything?

Also, it's not for sure there is even a PI. She isn't constantly accusing him of being with another woman or anything. She says he is a coward and a low life loser because he is leaving.

 

He emailed me this morning and I haven't replied and don't plan on it. I told him yesterday to let me know once he is moved out. He isn't moved out and so I have nothing to say.

[Sunnycalb808]

Of course he is at home. If he were at the hotel he would tell you.

[elaine567]

. I told him yesterday to let me know once he is moved out. He isn't moved out and so I have nothing to say.

 

I am now starting to feel a bit sorry for "poor Jamie".

He is a weak man caught in the middle of a power struggle between his OW and his wife, only his wife doesn't even know yet that she is in a power struggle...

[Sunnycalb808]

You are sacrificing all your values for something so unsure. Have you considered Jamie if he does divorce may want to sow his oats? I mean is he promising you a committed relationship or engagement or just being vague or what? Ita very likely he wont be able to really have a relationship with you bc his son will have so much disdain for you. Bc the wife will find out. These things rarely if ever successfully shield themselves. Oh what a coincidence just a week after divorce here is my new girlfriend.... Cmon now.

 

I think people here try to appeal your sense of right and wring to get you to stop this. But it might be more effective to appeal to your wants and desires.

 

If you really wanted a chamce at a future with Jamie youd just go byebye for now...date others...then reconnect in a year or so. But i guess you are so unsecure in his love that you feel if you domt campaign with signs and banners all during his marriage/separation/and divorce he will forget about you or find interest in another?

[Sunnycalb808]

You should ask Jamie if you can go to the lawyer appt. See what his reaction is. That will tell you everything you need to know.

[dubliner]

I am now starting to feel a bit sorry for "poor Jamie".

He is a weak man caught in the middle of a power struggle between his OW and his wife, only his wife doesn't even know yet that she is in a power struggle...

 

Yes, indeed but of course it's a power struggle he created, he started this whole mess by not being honest, by not telling his W the truth, from the beginning, like.. 'I'm developing feelings for Kevin's girlfriend, the ones we bbq and socialise with..' or 'Our relationship isn't working for me, i don't want to fix it or I can't see that we can, I want to discuss divorce because I want to pursue a relationship elsewhere.'

I don't think I'd feel sorry for him one bit

[PinkSunset]

Yes, indeed but of course it's a power struggle he created, he started this whole mess by not being honest, by not telling his W the truth, from the beginning, like.. 'I'm developing feelings for Kevin's girlfriend, the ones we bbq and socialise with..' or 'Our relationship isn't working for me, i don't want to fix it or I can't see that we can, I want to discuss divorce because I want to pursue a relationship elsewhere.'

I don't think I'd feel sorry for him one bit

 

Jamie and I are at fault for all of this. The way his wife has treated him is not an excuse to have an A. I was using that as one before but I realize it's unfair to say that as I don't know what really goes on there.

 

I feel sorry for the aftermath that Jamie will have to go through more than anything.

[Sunnycalb808]

I don't plan on talking to him unless it's really necessary.

 

What is your criteria for "really necessary"??

 

 

Inever had any reason not to trust him.

 

Except for the fact he lies to his wifes face daily with no problem.

 

That in fact is a very GOOD reason not to trust him.

Edited May 18, 2016 by Sunnycalb808

[elaine567]

 

I feel sorry for the aftermath that Jamie will have to go through more than anything.

 

What about his little son?

How is he going to feel?

His life is going to be turned upside down and not in a good way either.

[ChickiePops]

Jamie and I are at fault for all of this. The way his wife has treated him is not an excuse to have an A. I was using that as one before but I realize it's unfair to say that as I don't know what really goes on there.

 

I feel sorry for the aftermath that Jamie will have to go through more than anything.

 

You feel sorry for yourself but not his wife and child?

 

...wow. No words for that.

[Sunnycalb808]

The aftermath he created by being conflict avoidant and cheating on his wife and son, taking his marriage outside his home and exposing it to new "friends"....

 

Pink i wish you could see the craziness u spew. Its like again you get clarity...then get clouded anytime you see, talk to or even dwell upon Jamie.

 

This man is the last one you should feel sorry for! Evn if he is a nice caring person...this is all his doing. Plus hes cultivated a really nice soft landing spot for himself if he does divorce. Nothing to feel sorry for but his wife and xhild here

[SoulCat]

 

I just don't think telling his wife is an option for him right now so yes I am defending it. If she is in fact hurting from him leaving, I think knowing about me would make it horribly worse and I don't want that.

 

 

But that would be the honest, honorable thing to do. At least then she'll know what she's up against.

 

Right now, she is fighting for her marriage, but unaware of the invisible ally in her husband's corner. I'd love to make you understand how unfair that is but I doubt you'll listen, or care.

 

 

I'm also pretty sure you're not doing it out out of the goodness of your heart, to not make it 'horribly worse' for her.

Let's be honest, you don't give a hoot about her, she's just an obstacle to your fairytale ending with Mr. Wonderful.

 

 

You are doing it out of selfishness. You are doing all of this out of selfishness.

[minimariah]

i'm confused - is he fully moved out?

[PinkSunset]

You feel sorry for yourself but not his wife and child?

 

...wow. No words for that.

 

When did I ever say I felt sorry for myself?

 

But that would be the honest, honorable thing to do. At least then she'll know what she's up against.

 

Right now, she is fighting for her marriage, but unaware of the invisible ally in her husband's corner. I'd love to make you understand how unfair that is but I doubt you'll listen, or care.

 

 

I'm also pretty sure you're not doing it out out of the goodness of your heart, to not make it 'horribly worse' for her.

Let's be honest, you don't give a hoot about her, she's just an obstacle to your fairytale ending with Mr. Wonderful.

 

 

You are doing it out of selfishness. You are doing all of this out of selfishness.

 

I am selfish because I don't want her to go through any more hurt than she already has to? Okay.

 

I guess what you're saying then is I should tell his wife?

[PinkSunset]

What is your criteria for "really necessary"??

 

Except for the fact he lies to his wifes face daily with no problem.

 

That in fact is a very GOOD reason not to trust him.

 

Sorry, just saw this one...

 

 

As in, him being already moved and in his own place.

As in, showing me his separation agreement.

 

Even so, I'm not going to be his constant visitor and "emotional tampon" as you all have put it. I am distancing myself.

[S2B]

I vote for staying away from him and all his baggage for a long while. He's got his stuff he's either gonna handle to change it or not by leaving it the same.

 

 

 

Just allow him to do what HE chooses.

 

He can contact you if and when his status changes - he knows how to let you know when he becomes divorced.