Emotional Affair

[carhill]

It happened 5 years ago. She was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a while as far as I know. He is a very sweet and intelligent kind person, he tried his best to be there for her and do everything he could. This took years and years of being treated like crap before I ever came into his life. It's not like this trauma happened yesterday.

She is who she is and what happened happened and it's their marriage and not your problem. Trust me, I've heard the gamut of sob stories from MW's over the decades about their horrible husbands and, heck, probably some of it was true but the overriding reality was that it wasn't my problem but I chose to invest in it. Do you really want to invest in this?

 

carhill - Jamie said the exact words that her family owns him. I told him he should just take his son and walk out. Or tell her to leave. I don't think the courts will allow her to just take his son away, I think he is more worried of the poison she will fill his little head with. I feel like I am already emotionally invested.

 

IDK if you've ever faced the phalanx of lawyers a wealthy person or entity can throw at you in court but I have and it can be daunting because, well, wealth buys influence and expertise and it can be as simple as using legal loopholes to get a friendlier judge or finding case law to support a particular course of action and on and on and on. The guy will bankrupt himself and they'll just wear him down over years because, well, they don't care whether he lives or dies. That's how things really work. Everything is adversarial and it's war and the government, like FPS or whatever is the acronym in the area are overworked and underpaid and focus on cases they can win.

 

And, yet again, not your problem

 

I say this stuff in kindness because I sincerely do not wish you to become the dope I was with all these supposedly sincere and distressed married people. They're simply not worth it. Can they be worth it? Yeah, when they're investing in you or me and are free to do it openly and authentically. Otherwise, no bueno. Boundaries.

[SomethingToSay]

This is such a cliche. It is textbook MM/OW stuff and you are falling for it like a charm.

Youve seen his wife be condescending to him. Okay. Youve seen her complain he doesnt do enough around the house. Okay. Sorry hon but that is true for a vast majority of marriages. He is not going anywhere.

 

You are so caught up in this Poor Jamie narrative you are oblivious to anything. This lasy is asking you out to social occassions, raising her son, working part time, and recovering from a trauma.... you act like she is Satan personified.

 

What about YOUR actions? You are romancing a married man and lying to his wife who considers you a friend. Also lying to your exBF. Try pointing your judgement INWARD.

 

You have no business judging this woman or presuming to know what goes on in their home and marriage. If your MM hasnt met with an attorney then hes just giving you lip service so he can keep you on the side. You say hes afraid his wife will poison the sons mind if he leaves. Well if shes as awful as he claims, shes already poisening the child every day.

 

You are deep in the fog and sadly this wont end well for you.

[PinkSunset]

She is who she is and what happened happened and it's their marriage and not your problem. Trust me, I've heard the gamut of sob stories from MW's over the decades about their horrible husbands and, heck, probably some of it was true but the overriding reality was that it wasn't my problem but I chose to invest in it. Do you really want to invest in this?

 

 

 

IDK if you've ever faced the phalanx of lawyers a wealthy person or entity can throw at you in court but I have and it can be daunting because, well, wealth buys influence and expertise and it can be as simple as using legal loopholes to get a friendlier judge or finding case law to support a particular course of action and on and on and on. The guy will bankrupt himself and they'll just wear him down over years because, well, they don't care whether he lives or dies. That's how things really work. Everything is adversarial and it's war and the government, like FPS or whatever is the acronym in the area are overworked and underpaid and focus on cases they can win.

 

And, yet again, not your problem

 

I say this stuff in kindness because I sincerely do not wish you to become the dope I was with all these supposedly sincere and distressed married people. They're simply not worth it. Can they be worth it? Yeah, when they're investing in you or me and are free to do it openly and authentically. Otherwise, no bueno. Boundaries.

 

This is what Jamie said about the lawyers as well. He did try to discuss divorce with her once and she told him she would hold him up in court and drain all of his money until he had nothing left to fight her with. That their son would forget him and all he ever was, that she would replace him in a heartbeat.

 

You are right it is not my problem but I am the only one that knows about any of this, besides Kevin that knows a little. I am his only "out". How can I just walk away from someone that has no one and is alone?

[SomethingToSay]

You referred him to an atty but he hasnt met with him

 

*shocker*

 

Of course he hasnt. And you plan to sleep with him tonight?? Lol

 

And have been calling your ex last night to see if he is still a possible Option B??

 

 

Wow

[carhill]

Ha, I do it all the time now, meaning walk away. Why? I remember when I was caregiving and everyone, including my wife, abandoned me because well, who wants to deal with someone taking care of a psychotic? I'll never forget that and people and their existence simply aren't valuable to me anymore. Screw them. Nothing I see today changes my mind in the least.

 

You'll get no rewards in life for being this guy's sounding board. You'll just get dead. However, when I was your age, yeah, I believed. Then life taught a whole bunch of really good lessons.

[PinkSunset]

You referred him to an atty but he hasnt met with him

 

*shocker*

 

Of course he hasnt. And you plan to sleep with him tonight?? Lol

 

And have been calling your ex last night to see if he is still a possible Option B??

 

 

Wow

 

He hasn't had time to see the lawyer.

 

I had planned on sleeping with him tonight but I have decided against it after posting here... I am going to ask him to show me proof of his feelings.

 

I only contacted Kevin to see how he's doing. NOT for plan B. Plan B is down the road, once I am over Jamie. I don't even know if he would entertain coming back to me. I was terrible to him at the end. I didn't care...

 

Ha, I do it all the time now, meaning walk away. Why? I remember when I was caregiving and everyone, including my wife, abandoned me because well, who wants to deal with someone taking care of a psychotic? I'll never forget that and people and their existence simply aren't valuable to me anymore. Screw them. Nothing I see today changes my mind in the least.

 

You'll get no rewards in life for being this guy's sounding board. You'll just get dead. However, when I was your age, yeah, I believed. Then life taught a whole bunch of really good lessons.

 

I was happy before all of this came into my life... Now I am worried all the time and waiting for something that might never come.

[ChickiePops]

It happened 5 years ago. She was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a while as far as I know. He is a very sweet and intelligent kind person, he tried his best to be there for her and do everything he could. This took years and years of being treated like crap before I ever came into his life. It's not like this trauma happened yesterday.

 

carhill - Jamie said the exact words that her family owns him. I told him he should just take his son and walk out. Or tell her to leave. I don't think the courts will allow her to just take his son away, I think he is more worried of the poison she will fill his little head with. I feel like I am already emotionally invested.

 

She lost a baby. She was physically and emotionally traumatized and is unable to have any more children. That's a hugely painful life sentence for someone who wanted more kids.

 

Why don't you try going through that and see if you're perfectly fine in 5 years?

 

Again, 'I'm staying for the kids' is a line from the cheaters handbook.

[carhill]

 

I was happy before all of this came into my life... Now I am worried all the time and waiting for something that might never come.

 

That made me smile. I know exactly what you mean. My little tip: You care. That's a gift and you'll meet a lot of folks in life who don't and will suck your care dry. I call them hoovers, after the vacuum cleaner. Once your care is gone, it's hard to get it back, if you ever do. Preserve it, and yourself.

[PinkSunset]

She lost a baby. She was physically and emotionally traumatized and is unable to have any more children. That's a hugely painful life sentence for someone who wanted more kids.

 

Why don't you try going through that and see if you're perfectly fine in 5 years?

 

Again, 'I'm staying for the kids' is a line from the cheaters handbook.

 

I get it, I am not saying she should be over it... But to still blame him after this many years? It wasn't even his fault to begin with! It's not an excuse to treat your husband like crap! He lost a baby too!

[elaine567]

I get it, I am not saying she should be over it... But to still blame him after this many years? It wasn't even his fault to begin with! It's not an excuse to treat your husband like crap! He lost a baby too!

 

Who says she blames him?

Him maybe?

[anika99]

It happened 5 years ago. She was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a while as far as I know. He is a very sweet and intelligent kind person, he tried his best to be there for her and do everything he could. This took years and years of being treated like crap before I ever came into his life. It's not like this trauma happened yesterday.

 

carhill - Jamie said the exact words that her family owns him. I told him he should just take his son and walk out. Or tell her to leave. I don't think the courts will allow her to just take his son away, I think he is more worried of the poison she will fill his little head with. I feel like I am already emotionally invested.

 

Again the bolded is just cruel beyond belief. You're advising him to abandon his wife and take her only child, the only child she will ever have, at the same time. Unbelievable! Or tell her to leave? Haha..are you even listening to yourself? If her family has so much money they likely helped with purchase of that house and you think he can just kick her out? How old are you? When he say flip things like "her family owns me" that's his way of telling you that he ain't leaving and that you shouldn't have that expectation.

[PinkSunset]

Who says she blames him?

Him maybe?

 

Yes, him.

 

Again the bolded is just cruel beyond belief. You're advising him to abandon his wife and take her only child, the only child she will ever have, at the same time. Unbelievable! Or tell her to leave? Haha..are you even listening to yourself? If her family has so much money they likely helped with purchase of that house and you think he can just kick her out? How old are you? When he say flip things like "her family owns me" that's his way of telling you that he ain't leaving and that you shouldn't have that expectation.

 

Okay I guess I am a terrible person then for wanting to help him figure out a way to be happy? They were mere suggestions. He would probably be charged with kidnapping if he walked out with Micah. It's both of their home, he made sure to put some of his own money into it just in case.

[ChickiePops]

Yes, him.

 

 

 

Okay I guess I am a terrible person then for wanting to help him figure out a way to be happy? They were mere suggestions. He would probably be charged with kidnapping if he walked out with Micah. It's both of their home, he made sure to put some of his own money into it just in case.

 

So she never told you herself that she blames him? Ok then how do you know it's true? Maybe HE blames himself and he's projecting it on her. Or, more likely, maybe he blames HER for losing their child and he tortured her into being the unhappy person she is today. Losing a child is a life changing experience and plenty of couples do not make it through but people don't just turn evil overnight. If they had a happy marriage before the accident then he is equally responsible for effing it up.

 

But your comments about the amount of time it's been are callous and nasty. I'm sure she's very sorry that she's unable to recover within yours or her husbands time frames. You seem to be completely lacking empathy for what she's been through..and it sounds like you have no empathy because her husband has no empathy and you picked up his attitude. None of this excuses what the two of you are doing.

 

My mom died 10 years ago and I still get sad, especially around the date of her death. Should I be over it too?

 

And yes, if he walks out the door with their son then he would be charged with kidnapping. Because that literally IS kidnapping. A very high percentage of kidnapping cases are within the child's family.

 

I agree that he and his wife should divorce. They are obviously making each other miserable. Perhaps he will take some action if you stop being his emotional tampon.

[xxoo]

 

I don't agree he is using me. He feels as if he has no one else to talk to. His parents are on the other side of the country and are old. His brother is in the army.

 

He managed to become friends with you, although it is obviously an inappropriate friendship.

 

Is there a reason he does not have any appropriate friends to talk to? Other guys, or just a woman he is not interested in seducing?

[elaine567]

I agree that he and his wife should divorce. They are obviously making each other miserable. Perhaps he will take some action if you stop being his emotional tampon.

 

Maybe in reality they aren't making each other miserable. Lots of very happy marriages are dissed by the MM to persuade the OW to feel sorry and have sex with him. Many MM stay with "tyrants" of wives because they actually like it.

Unless we are privy to being behind closed doors we know nothing of their marriage

[SomethingToSay]

He hasn't had time to see the lawyer.

 

 

Right...but he has time to go the "gym" several times a week.

 

 

If it was really that bad he would have seen a lawyer already.

 

 

If you read on the forum or others, you will see that CALLING CARD of every married man looking to cheat is "My wife treats me horribly"

 

 

He is feeding you all the standard lines...and you are sopping them up like a good little puppy.

 

 

Its not your job to find him some happiness. If anything, having you to hook up with and coddle him on the side is just going to keep him "happy" to stay right where he is -- in a nice house with his child and wife and lots of money, having fun with you in secret on the side.

 

 

Id suggest you stop worrying about his wife's supposed behavior and recovery and motivations and mental state...and start focusing on your own and why you would think ANY of this ok "okay"

 

 

Glad to hear you've decided not to sleep with him tonight. Next step is ending the friendship and telling him to look you up once he is divorced. Then stay out of his life.

 

 

Oh and ps regarding "I was happy until all this came into my life"...this didnt come into your life. You created it and chose it.

 

 

I don't know, there just seems to be this pervasive immaturity/naivity/selfishness in your perspective that is so unsavory.

[Girlfromcali]

 

 

I was happy before all of this came into my life... Now I am worried all the time and waiting for something that might never come.

 

I felt this way too before and during my A. I felt happy, and then all of a sudden bam, all the worry.

 

It took so much energy and emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. I became an expert in anything related to him. I wanted to help him and give him all the love and caring I had. You could've asked any detail about his life, and I'd know everything because I remembered every detail he ever said. He needed me and it felt so good to be needed.

 

Now I realize that it was very one sided. He hardly knows anything about me. I mean, yes he was asking a lot of questions in the beginning and seemed interested in knowing every detail, and I was so happy someone seemed to care and was so into me and showered me with attention..

 

I realize now that he only cared about me for how I made him feel and how invested I was in him. He didn't really care about me.

 

I also realized that love doesn't cause constant worry and disappointment. That's not what real love is about.

 

I know a person who truly loves me. He tries very hard not to ever disappoint me. I mean, yes he does disappoint me of course (a lot) but he always feels uncomfortable when that happens (even when he doesn't show it).

That's the difference between a person who loves you and who doesn't.

[ChickiePops]

Maybe in reality they aren't making each other miserable. Lots of very happy marriages are dissed by the MM to persuade the OW to feel sorry and have sex with him. Many MM stay with "tyrants" of wives because they actually like it.

Unless we are privy to being behind closed doors we know nothing of their marriage

 

You're absolutely right. I only said that bc the OP claimed to have seen it with her own eyes. But who knows if that's true or in what context she saw whatever she saw anyway so you're right.

[Grapesofwrath]

I am not using the way his wife treats him as an excuse for the behavior. I am just saying that it is how all of this started.

He is afraid because he knows if he divorces her he won't see his son. Her family comes from a lot of money and she has already threatened him on previous occasions that if he ever stepped out on her he would lose his son forever.

 

Are you living in the United States? If so, I can tell you that the above is a dramatic fabrication stemming from someone's imagination. Divorce and Family law do not work this way. (Thank goodness. There are still some things in this country that money can't buy.) If he is a non-abusive father, he will have custodial and visitation rights to see his child. End of story. He is likely telling you this as a way of garnering your support for why he doesn't leave.

 

Most of the other posters have covered the salient points. I will add only this: Your OP contains a lot of references to being unable to help yourself, and that you "can't stop" seeing him. If nothing else, it is crucial that you bev accountable for your actions. You are an adult, of sound mind. It is not that you can't stop, it is that you don't want to stop. Take responsibility for your choices, no matter what you decide to do.

 

As for Jamie, I would strongly urge you to avoid any further physical contact with him of any kind. Until he is out of the house and in his own place. Nothing good can come from this affair.

[PinkSunset]

Right...but he has time to go the "gym" several times a week.

 

 

If it was really that bad he would have seen a lawyer already.

 

 

If you read on the forum or others, you will see that CALLING CARD of every married man looking to cheat is "My wife treats me horribly"

 

 

He is feeding you all the standard lines...and you are sopping them up like a good little puppy.

 

 

Its not your job to find him some happiness. If anything, having you to hook up with and coddle him on the side is just going to keep him "happy" to stay right where he is -- in a nice house with his child and wife and lots of money, having fun with you in secret on the side.

 

 

Id suggest you stop worrying about his wife's supposed behavior and recovery and motivations and mental state...and start focusing on your own and why you would think ANY of this ok "okay"

 

 

Glad to hear you've decided not to sleep with him tonight. Next step is ending the friendship and telling him to look you up once he is divorced. Then stay out of his life.

 

 

Oh and ps regarding "I was happy until all this came into my life"...this didnt come into your life. You created it and chose it.

 

 

I don't know, there just seems to be this pervasive immaturity/naivity/selfishness in your perspective that is so unsavory.

 

Yes, I guess I am being selfish and I am definitely on his side at this point. It was Jamie who invited Kevin and I over to try and establish some kind of social atmosphere outside of her family.

Her parents are active in their lives and her sister is always at their house. Jamie does have a few close friends but they are all intertwined with her family. He told me he knows once of them is having an affair as well. He looks down on him. I sort of felt he was being a hypocrite, although I don't think he sees me as an AP.

Maybe I am in this fog that I see him as this perfect man... I know he isn't. I am not a stupid woman. I know what we are doing isn't right morally. I know he is technically cheating on her. I just don't feel bad for her because I know what a wretch she can be. I guess that makes me a terrible person???

 

I felt this way too before and during my A. I felt happy, and then all of a sudden bam, all the worry.

 

It took so much energy and emotions going up and down like a roller coaster. I became an expert in anything related to him. I wanted to help him and give him all the love and caring I had. You could've asked any detail about his life, and I'd know everything because I remembered every detail he ever said. He needed me and it felt so good to be needed.

 

Now I realize that it was very one sided. He hardly knows anything about me. I mean, yes he was asking a lot of questions in the beginning and seemed interested in knowing every detail, and I was so happy someone seemed to care and was so into me and showered me with attention..

 

I realize now that he only cared about me for how I made him feel and how invested I was in him. He didn't really care about me.

 

I also realized that love doesn't cause constant worry and disappointment. That's not what real love is about.

 

I know a person who truly loves me. He tries very hard not to ever disappoint me. I mean, yes he does disappoint me of course (a lot) but he always feels uncomfortable when that happens (even when he doesn't show it).

That's the difference between a person who loves you and who doesn't.

 

I do feel this way and we haven't even made it physical. I never imagined being the OW. I never thought I'd be here. I always despised married men cheating on their spouses.

I've been in absolute tears today after some of the things being said here. I guess it's hard to swallow.

[SomethingToSay]

Oh and adding onto Grapes' post, this is a Physical Affair. He comes over and cuddles. So lets stop calling it an EA.

[PinkSunset]

Are you living in the United States? If so, I can tell you that the above is a dramatic fabrication stemming from someone's imagination. Divorce and Family law do not work this way. (Thank goodness. There are still some things in this country that money can't buy.) If he is a non-abusive father, he will have custodial and visitation rights to see his child. End of story. He is likely telling you this as a way of garnering your support for why he doesn't leave.

 

Most of the other posters have covered the salient points. I will add only this: Your OP contains a lot of references to being unable to help yourself, and that you "can't stop" seeing him. If nothing else, it is crucial that you bev accountable for your actions. You are an adult, of sound mind. It is not that you can't stop, it is that you don't want to stop. Take responsibility for your choices, no matter what you decide to do.

 

As for Jamie, I would strongly urge you to avoid any further physical contact with him of any kind. Until he is out of the house and in his own place. Nothing good can come from this affair.

 

I know it's probably not plausible that he will never see his son. I just know that money is power and she has a lot of it.

Also if he left and she knew it had anything to do with me, it would make her 100 percent angrier.

I realize I made these choices and that I can make a different choice right now if I wanted to. I just can't let go of what might be.... at least not right now.

[Grapesofwrath]

One other thing to consider: While his wife's money will not mean the loss of his custodial and visitation rights with his son, it could possibly mean that you are sued for alienation of affection. This varies state by state. So you might do yourself the favor of googling the family laws in your state.

 

As for Mrs. Jamie: I agree with previous posters who ask you to remember that she lost a child and learned that she will be unable to have any more children. This is a devastating loss for a woman, especially if she desired to have more children in her life. You have heard his side of the story as to what happened. I would be very curious to hear her side of that story. I wager it varies quite a bit.

[loveisanaction]

If some of the things being said are hurtful...ask yourself if what is being said is true.

 

Many of the people posting have been in your shoes so they pretty much know how this is going to end. As harsh as some posts may sound, they are all coming from a good place. Go and read the betrayed spouse section, it would be hard not to burst into tears when you read some of their stories. Nobody on here is going to encourage you to have an affair with a married man.

 

You are lucky that you haven't been intimate with Jamie, had you, it would have been 100 times worse trying to move on from him.

[Shineshelly]

Hi there, I most certainly am not here to pass judgement on you. I don't think anyone is above temptation. However, I do believe that as human beings, we have the ability to have self-control. This man is in a covenant with his wife before God. You being involved in this man's life in any capacity at this point, is preventing a reconciliation to occur within their marriage. I understand you deeply care for him, but if you really want what's best for him, you ought to let him go to make things right with his wife. I doubt you want to be the cause for a severe disruption in their lives if you can help it. To women, the betrayal of emotional infidelity can be as debilitating as that of physical infidelity. This man is taking his best communication outside of his marriage, and not leaving much left to bring to his spouse, where it belongs.

 

I think I speak for many wives who are going through difficult times in their marriage, when I plead with you to please remove yourself entirely from this situation so they have can have a chance to reaffirm their commitment to one another. That being said, I truly hope you find someone who is not entangled in marital issues, for you to start a fresh, new, and unadulterated life with.