Emotional Affair

[PinkSunset]

Pink - when an apology is given it has no value if the behavior that caused the offense isn't changed.

 

Are you sorry enough to stop seeing her husband?

 

Don't apologize to her if you plan to see him again!

 

That would be like a kid stealing candy - they apologize but continue stealing the candy... It makes the apology worthless.

 

Change YOUR behavior if you are sorry.

 

Sorry just saw this.

 

I am going to work on going NC, I've even considered going on a vacation just so I can have a kick start at it. I feel bad for leaving him in a mess... But really it's not my marriage and not my problem. It just hurts to know I'm hurting him when he has no one else. I don't want a relationship with so much chaos and hurt surrounded by it. It needs to be fresh and new... I've started an email telling him I need time away from him.

[BuddyX]

Run, do not collect $200.

You do not owe anything anymore. You can't help this situation. Being selfish, right now, and parting ways is your smartest move. Why are you still hanging on?

[minimariah]

I'm blaming her for bringing their son into it.

 

bringing him into WHAT? this was her reaction when she saw you --

 

She looked like her heart sank a million miles into the ground. She looked at me with the most shock and disgust I have ever seen on a person’s face…

 

you've been writing for like FOREVER now that you think she knows about the affair; you wrote that when she asked you about a lawyer, too. so this entire time, she apparently knew or suspected -- so why is her reaction SHOCK?

 

and if you KNOW she's abusive - why on Earth would you send her a bullsh*t apology message and some kind of offer to talk a DAY after she found out about the affair? like what did you THINK would happen...? it took JAMIE to tell you to block their number - why didn't you block both of their numbers after the very first LETTER? because hello, this woman is abusive. allegedly.

[Lobe]

My bark is definitely worse than my bite. I sometimes get on the defensive here because everyone is on team wife, and I didn't expect to have anyone on team OW, but sometimes the things that are said are hard to hear.

 

People aren't on team BS here - unlike you we aren't foolish or naive enough to make a decision on whether she is an evil witch or not based on what her husband and her husband's sidepiece have told, which is always a combination of half-truths and omission. Lies you tell yourself, lies you let him tell you, lies you corroborate on are the lube necessary for making the wheels on the crazy bus go round and round. Stop the lies, the bus stops. It's hard to hear because it puts cracks in the facade you've so carefully built to maintain your dignity. It's painful because you know it's true. But hey - denial is a powerful tool.

 

Those on team OW are the ones telling you to get OFF team OW because team OW mostly sucks. We want YOU to look out for YOU.

[Lobe]

Sorry just saw this.

 

I am going to work on going NC, I've even considered going on a vacation just so I can have a kick start at it. I feel bad for leaving him in a mess... But really it's not my marriage and not my problem. It just hurts to know I'm hurting him when he has no one else. I don't want a relationship with so much chaos and hurt surrounded by it. It needs to be fresh and new... I've started an email telling him I need time away from him.

 

You sound like his mommy and like you've failed as a parent. He's not a child and he isn't helpless. Want to be his Mommy? Give him tough love. You're not hurting him - he created this mess himself. He has to grow up and clean it up.

 

In AA it's called "hitting rock bottom" and that's *usually* when recovery begins, because when you no longer have anyone to blame for your shortcomings or use as a life preserver when you are drowning, you have to be accountable and learn to help yourself. What's YOUR rock bottom?

 

Your email should read:

 

I'm out. Lose my number.

 

Then you block his phone number, block him on social media, and reroute his emails to the trashbin.

[S2B]

I didn't mean it like that, it's just a way of putting it that everyone was on her side... and I didn't expect otherwise. People here can be harsh. It's not a competition and I don't want it to be.

 

I didn't care for a total of 4 days. I was lost in something unexplainable... But I did care months back, and I do care. I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't need help.

 

I was never on any "side" other than... Do the right thing so you have a clear conscience.

 

Now you've handed your integrity all to one man - and he smashed it.

 

No man is worth that.

 

 

Time on your own for a long stretch is the only way to gain needed clarity.

 

 

This is not yours to handle. Stay out of it - and that means no communicating with MM. HE needs to grow up and take care of his own crap!

 

Expecting you to be involved at this crappy juncture shows just how selfish and immature he is emotionally. He wants his M over? He needs to do that himself!

 

If you really are sorry - you won't see him at all for the next year.

[PinkSunset]

bringing him into WHAT? this was her reaction when she saw you --

 

 

 

you've been writing for like FOREVER now that you think she knows about the affair; you wrote that when she asked you about a lawyer, too. so this entire time, she apparently knew or suspected -- so why is her reaction SHOCK?

 

and if you KNOW she's abusive - why on Earth would you send her a bullsh*t apology message and some kind of offer to talk a DAY after she found out about the affair? like what did you THINK would happen...? it took JAMIE to tell you to block their number - why didn't you block both of their numbers after the very first LETTER? because hello, this woman is abusive. allegedly.

 

Maybe she didn't know, maybe it was just suspicion... I don't know. I thought she knew because it felt like she was intimidating me.

 

I sent the message so she knows for future reference she could if she wanted to, ask me anything... I apologized because I am sorry she found out this way.She is hurt, we both hurt her. She will always hate me. That's why I didn't block her...

 

I did block the sisters number after the phone calls, but it doesn't work for text messages which I'm still getting. It's harassment.

[PinkSunset]

You sound like his mommy and like you've failed as a parent. He's not a child and he isn't helpless. Want to be his Mommy? Give him tough love. You're not hurting him - he created this mess himself. He has to grow up and clean it up.

 

In AA it's called "hitting rock bottom" and that's *usually* when recovery begins, because when you no longer have anyone to blame for your shortcomings or use as a life preserver when you are drowning, you have to be accountable and learn to help yourself. What's YOUR rock bottom?

 

Your email should read:

 

I'm out. Lose my number.

 

Then you block his phone number, block him on social media, and reroute his emails to the trashbin.

 

We both have feelings, if I hated him then sure that would be easy as pie to be so cold. He is not a stupid man, he will know why I am walking away... I just need to do it in a peaceful manner.

[elaine567]

Second, I agree Jamie is a conflict avoider but he in no way gave his address to his wife so she would just stop by and see us. He gave it to her with the intention she would drop him off on Friday, not show up unannounced on Monday evening. From the texts I read, which he showed me, she was to come over on Friday evening to see the house where their son would be staying and leave him there for the weekend. THIS was the plan. He had no intentions of her ever stumbling upon us, esp with son in tow.

 

He leaves her "to sort his head out", she has no idea where he went then suddenly she is given his address, what on earth did he think she was gong to do with it?

She is his wife, they have a son together, a son that no doubt misses his father, so she is just supposed to wait patiently till Friday to see him... NO, she takes the first opportunity to go round there and tell him she misses him - she takes her son as he wants to see his dad and she thinks the son may persuade him to come back to her. Little did she know he was entertaining his mistress.

She may or may not have noticed your car, I guess she may not have done, due to the shock on her face.

She was probably so wired about seeing him again, she probably didn't even see your car.

 

I still maintain he set both of you up here as he was going to have to do that difficult talk, it is now so much better for him, as she just found out without him requiring to do anything.

 

 

She then sent "You are a betraying wh*re you have had your eyes on my husband for a long time apparently and stab me in the back when I asked you for a divorce lawyer you still slept with him after this and lied to me about you and kevin i hope you rot in hell"

 

So that is it I guess.

You messed around and stole her husband from under her nose, then lied to her face again and again.

I know you want to be seen as a good person and the victim here, but you have only yourself to blame. Pages and pages of advice as to how to handle this, even the advice of your therapist, but all completely ignored...

 

You have left chaos and mayhem in your wake and now you want to just walk away?

[PinkSunset]

 

You have left chaos and mayhem in your wake and now you want to just walk away?

 

Exactly... I feel I have helped cause this as much as he has, and yet I am going to walk away and leave the fire in my rear view. I don't feel right about it, but what can I do? I can't help her or their son, I can't help him except being there for him emotionally. I feel guilt over the pain we have caused but I also feel guilt for leaving him high and dry!

[anika99]

I'm blaming her for bringing their son into it. That's it. Not for the affair and not for anything else. If she has been abusive to him and I know she has, it's still not an excuse for any of it.

 

.

 

 

No. you cannot blame her for bring her son into this. Again you said this:

 

 

"I can’t get enough of him and him of me. I have been to his house several times now and slept over. I don’t care if his wife sees my car anymore. I am all in, I love this man."

 

 

When you decided that you didn't care if his wife saw your car or discovered you at her husbands place, is when you decided to risk the fallout of having the affair revealed in a nasty way. You made the choice to throw caution to the wind, to risk having this ugly blowout. His wife didn't have a choice and just walked into this without warning. Don't bother telling us that she knew exactly what she was walking into simply because she may or may not have seen your car. You simply don't know that.

[S2B]

We both have feelings, if I hated him then sure that would be easy as pie to be so cold. He is not a stupid man, he will know why I am walking away... I just need to do it in a peaceful manner.

 

1) THOSE "feelings" are what created this mountain of a mess. Do NOT make decisions based on "feelings!"

 

2) and I could argue that he is, indeed a very stupid man. Most of what he's done is stupid. He even invited you to his hotel room when he claimed he was being followed! He is stupid Pink!

 

3) None of this has anything to do with you being cold! He knows you care about him. It is time for YOU to be SMART! Not cold = smart!

 

4) yes walk away! It's none of your business. He has a marriage to end. That will take another year. He may go back to her.

 

5) you will be hurt no matter what. Protect yourself and do what gives you a clear conscience in moving forward!

 

 

He's a big boy...he can handle his problems he's created all on his own. When the dust settles and he untangles his mess - then you can give it some consideration.

 

You take care of you Pink.

 

He needs to take care of himself...it's not your job to caretake him.

[PinkSunset]

Oh please Pink. You are just using "guilt" as a justification to keep seeing Jamie. As if ending an affair with a MM is somehow a selfish, poor choice. Its absurd and so transparent Pink. Your guilt is just an inconvenience. You are continuing contact with Jamie not b/c you feel guilty if you broke up, but b/c you WANT Jamie. You want this married man regardless of whom it hurts.

 

Your guilt has never been motivating factor. The guilt of hurting his wife didnt stop you from seeing Jamie, and the guilt of "abandoning" Jamie isnt keeping you with him. Your motivation is wanting Jamie at no cost or mind to the fact there i a wife and son in the picture.

 

Is it Jamie's sister or the wife' sister who is texting you?

 

Here is the problem when people continue to say, "You take care of YOU, Pink! Xoxoxoxoxoxo!"

 

Pink has proven herself to be a pretty manipulative person as well. She has managed to twist everything around so that basically the dangerous waters she willingly waded in is somehow all BS's fault. She may say she doesn't blame her, but everyone should read her comments about how abusive she is and even the callous tone in which she had the audacity to say that this woman who suffered the loss of a child and ability to have any more children should somehow get over it and how dare she abuse poor ol' Jaime for everything, etc. The only consistent thing she has is a general disdain for Jamie's wife. How dare she put her son in the middle? Why can't she just let Jamie go? Why can't she just sign the separation agreement?

 

All of this is because SHE WANTS JAMIE FOR HERSELF! Therefore, to Pink, taking care of herself = having what she covets = having Jamie = to H-E-double hockey sticks to his abusove, barren witch of a wife and oooops, sorry Micah that she brought you in the middle of it.

 

Pink, you have mad skills of manipulating reality to save whatever notion of integrity and dignity you have. But bottom line, you were told over and over for weeks that you should have stayed away and you still defiantly went against everything because you only care to have what you want. It's utterly selfish. It's interesting how people bash Jamie for being conflict avoidant. But you yourself are that way. You can't bear to look the the truth BECAUSE IT HURTS. You avoid having to deal with difficult things even if the difficult path, the straight and narrow one, is the right thing. What a pair you and Jamie will make. Two people who aren't strong enough to do the right thing no matter how painful or difficult.

 

Of course I want Jamie! I wouldn't have gone through this if I didn't, I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't! I am not sure why this is news to anyone? I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't want him! But he is MARRIED and I am/was making the wrong choices.

Yes, I ignored advice on LS and by the therapist. I am a glutton for punishment it seems! I made some bad choices, yes!

 

I never said I was innocent.

 

and it is the wife's sister messaging me. The one that is at their house almost every day.

[Lobe]

Exactly... I feel I have helped cause this as much as he has, and yet I am going to walk away and leave the fire in my rear view. I don't feel right about it, but what can I do? I can't help her or their son, I can't help him except being there for him emotionally. I feel guilt over the pain we have caused but I also feel guilt for leaving him high and dry!

 

As a matter of fact yes, you CAN leave it flaming in the rearview mirror. Are you accountable for the part you played in this mess? Yup. That's your cross to bear. Did he lie to his wife, lie to you, lie to his son, break his marriage vows, and drag you into this without an ounce of guilt or remorse for his own actions? Yep.

 

And there is in fact an infinite amount more harm that you can do by sticking around. His BS does not want you there, skulking about, being around their son. He only wants you around so you can lick his self-inflicted wounds for him. You want to help everyone? Drop kick the whole shebang to the curb.

 

We both have feelings, if I hated him then sure that would be easy as pie to be so cold. He is not a stupid man, he will know why I am walking away... I just need to do it in a peaceful manner.

 

He sounds like a giant manbaby... Why do YOU owe him a "peaceful" exit? Here's my yucky analogy.

 

You AP sh*t the bed. He's told you he did this because his wife made him do it. You've been wiping his bum for him for months and now he's asked you to join him in the bed and sit in his sh*t with him. And wipe his bum. While sitting in his sh*t. When you had sex with him knowing that he was still lying to his wife, you added to the pile. Now, the only way to get the stink off of you is to wash yourself entirely and leave the poopy bed boy far far behind... but poor baby, he has told you you'd break his manbaby heart if you didn't want to wallow in his poopy love nest with him. Here's the kicker: If he had any respect for you, he would have realized he had sh*t the bed, and cleaned it up before he invited you in. And if you have any respect left for yourself, you know you don't want to wallow in his sh*t. You owe him NOTHING.

 

Do NOT romanticize this. Do NOT send some lovelorn note about how ~cue violins~ if only times were different, if only we had met sooner, if only we had been honest from the beginning then we could be together, and so we are tragically torn asunder, woe is us. I hope you get all the happiness in life. Please, watch me fall on my sword, but do not pity me or blame yourself - I can do little to make right the wrongs I have done, but I gladly martyr myself and forsake my own happiness, not only for you, but for your son's and your wife's happiness... ~fade to black~

 

If that sounds REMOTELY like what you want to write, then you are relieving him of accountability and offering him an insurance policy that you will pine for him long and hard. You cannot afford to have him thinking you are waiting in the wings - he will just jerk you around as long as he can. Maybe "don't let the door hit you" is a bit abrupt, but there's no need to wax poetic or get all flowery. This:

 

I'm sorry - things aren't working out. I hope your situation with your son improves. It is unhealthy for me to continue. Take care. Bye.

[PinkSunset]

As a matter of fact yes, you CAN leave it flaming in the rearview mirror. Are you accountable for the part you played in this mess? Yup. That's your cross to bear. Did he lie to his wife, lie to you, lie to his son, break his marriage vows, and drag you into this without an ounce of guilt or remorse for his own actions? Yep.

 

And there is in fact an infinite amount more harm that you can do by sticking around. His BS does not want you there, skulking about, being around their son. He only wants you around so you can lick his self-inflicted wounds for him. You want to help everyone? Drop kick the whole shebang to the curb.

 

 

 

He sounds like a giant manbaby... Why do YOU owe him a "peaceful" exit? Here's my yucky analogy.

 

You AP sh*t the bed. He's told you he did this because his wife made him do it. You've been wiping his bum for him for months and now he's asked you to join him in the bed and sit in his sh*t with him. And wipe his bum. While sitting in his sh*t. When you had sex with him knowing that he was still lying to his wife, you added to the pile. Now, the only way to get the stink off of you is to wash yourself entirely and leave the poopy bed boy far far behind... but poor baby, he has told you you'd break his manbaby heart if you didn't want to wallow in his poopy love nest with him. Here's the kicker: If he had any respect for you, he would have realized he had sh*t the bed, and cleaned it up before he invited you in. And if you have any respect left for yourself, you know you don't want to wallow in his sh*t. You owe him NOTHING.

 

Do NOT romanticize this. Do NOT send some lovelorn note about how ~cue violins~ if only times were different, if only we had met sooner, if only we had been honest from the beginning then we could be together, and so we are tragically torn asunder, woe is us. I hope you get all the happiness in life. Please, watch me fall on my sword, but do not pity me or blame yourself - I can do little to make right the wrongs I have done, but I gladly martyr myself and forsake my own happiness, not only for you, but for your son's and your wife's happiness... ~fade to black~

 

If that sounds REMOTELY like what you want to write, then you are relieving him of accountability and offering him an insurance policy that you will pine for him long and hard. You cannot afford to have him thinking you are waiting in the wings - he will just jerk you around as long as he can. Maybe "don't let the door hit you" is a bit abrupt, but there's no need to wax poetic or get all flowery. This:

 

I'm sorry - things aren't working out. I hope your situation with your son improves. It is unhealthy for me to continue. Take care. Bye.

 

I really must make him sound like a complete wuss. He really isn't. He is a conflict avoider I agree, but only when it comes to his wife. He takes things head on with me.

 

Also, the email was not going to be mushy... Just to the point. I was going to still tell him I love him, because I do. If a year passes before I hear from him, chances are that i'll be long moved on by then. If it's only a few months, it might be different.

 

I don't know if I can handle constantly being called a wh*re etc though from her, or the things she will tell their son. I don't know if I could even be a proper step mom to him as a lot of you have said I don't have a motherly instinct... My therapist thinks I would be a good mother if I find the right partner... but that was 3-4 years ago. Maybe she will change her mind now.

[elaine567]

If we are talking about hurt people.

We should not forget poor Kevin, who did no wrong, but was kicked to the curb to make way for Jamie...

 

All this do-gooder stuff - helping the unfortunate Jamie - look where it has all ended up...

[PinkSunset]

If we are talking about hurt people.

We should not forget poor Kevin, who did no wrong, but was kicked to the curb to make way for Jamie...

 

All this do-gooder stuff - helping the unfortunate Jamie - look where it has all ended up...

 

Kevin definitely didn't deserve any of this. I am glad he walked when he did. He apparently is doing really well and I'm thankful for that. He had no idea what a shyt show I can be. I am glad for that, too.

 

[]

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to previously banned member ~6

[Midwestmissy]

Gawd. He takes things head on with you? No no no. You are getting what he thinks is his best self. Clearly when faced with the things a real man faces every day, he turns into a baby. Waaah it's my wife's fault - wait until I tell my girlfriend what my wife did! a wuss does exactly what he's doing because there's pink to believe everything he says.

 

Do you know what real men do? They respect boundaries and put the needs of the family as a whole in front of their selfish needs. They elevate themselves above situations that involve inappropriate behavior sand they avoid women who come on to them. They adore and appreciate what they have and its hella sexy. They are admired and respected for their boundaries. They accept responsibility when they screw up and they fix the mess.

 

Jamie is a horse's ass, but to be fair, he's got a good thing going with you since he has you believing that you're terrible for doing anything but standing by his side, he needs you to believe whatever tripe oozes out of his pie hole. If you cared about anybody but yourself, his unresolved - and PRIMARY- relationship with his wife and especially his child would be very important to you. But those 2 people who he swore commitment and fidelity to mean nothing because when you consider what the right thing is, you has a sadz. Why do I think the next chapter of this is going to be "oops! I'm pregnant! It was his wife's fault!"

 

[]

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lobe]

I really must make him sound like a complete wuss. He really isn't. He is a conflict avoider I agree, but only when it comes to his wife. He takes things head on with me.

 

Also, the email was not going to be mushy... Just to the point. I was going to still tell him I love him, because I do. If a year passes before I hear from him, chances are that i'll be long moved on by then. If it's only a few months, it might be different.

 

I don't know if I can handle constantly being called a wh*re etc though from her, or the things she will tell their son. I don't know if I could even be a proper step mom to him as a lot of you have said I don't have a motherly instinct... My therapist thinks I would be a good mother if I find the right partner... but that was 3-4 years ago. Maybe she will change her mind now.

 

Anger runs deep and strong in the aftermath of d-day. You have fooled yourself into thinking that the impact of the betrayal will be less because you waited to have sex. His wife is not stupid and the fact is, you've minimized the EA but if it had been YOUR husband who was spending overnights snuggling up with some other woman and telling her all the problems YOU were having, you would stop justifying it with, "Well, we waited to have sex until we could make it LOOK like it started after." Like him, you're not sorry about the affair, you're only sorry you got caught.

 

And nope, you are not saying he is a wuss. You are saying he's so darn special and wonderful you're willing to go against your own morals to justify spending inappropriate time with another woman's husband. You don't have to say it because his actions prove beyond a shadow of a doubt he is a manbaby. Pretty much every WS is a big old ball of lying selfish spineless stupid. He's seems unique to you but he's not unique to anyone who has been where you are. Rather than confront his wife and say, I am unhappy and I want us to go to marriage counselling, he plays the victim. Rather than confront his wife and say I feel powerless and abused in our relationship and I want a divorce, he hooks up with a sidepiece. Rather than tell his wife he fell in love with another woman, he lies to his wife and blames her for all the fault in the marriage. I don't question if there were marital problems, but what you have here is called an "exit affair" and honey, you're the hallway his wiener led him down to get out the door. He is the textbook definition of a wuss.

 

If you are SERIOUS about taking up with this man, do yourself a favor and WALK AWAY. Let him come back to you and show you his sparkly clean sheets. Make him PROVE to you that he can man up, take care of things, take care of YOU, because if he can't do that, you don't want him as your baby daddy anyway.

[S2B]

Ending it by walking away means you will no longer communicate with him.

 

Can you do that? Will he respect that/you?

[PinkSunset]

Gawd. He takes things head on with you? No no no. You are getting what he thinks is his best self. Clearly when faced with the things a real man faces every day, he turns into a baby. Waaah it's my wife's fault - wait until I tell my girlfriend what my wife did! a wuss does exactly what he's doing because there's pink to believe everything he says.

 

Do you know what real men do? They respect boundaries and put the needs of the family as a whole in front of their selfish needs. They elevate themselves above situations that involve inappropriate behavior sand they avoid women who come on to them. They adore and appreciate what they have and its hella sexy. They are admired and respected for their boundaries. They accept responsibility when they screw up and they fix the mess.

 

Jamie is a horse's ass, but to be fair, he's got a good thing going with you since he has you believing that you're terrible for doing anything but standing by his side, he needs you to believe whatever tripe oozes out of his pie hole. If you cared about anybody but yourself, his unresolved - and PRIMARY- relationship with his wife and especially his child would be very important to you. But those 2 people who he swore commitment and fidelity to mean nothing because when you consider what the right thing is, you has a sadz. Why do I think the next chapter of this is going to be "oops! I'm pregnant! It was his wife's fault!"

 

[]

 

I'm on birth control.

 

Ending it by walking away means you will no longer communicate with him.

 

Can you do that? Will he respect that/you?

 

He might try to contact me but I won't respond.

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Pink -

 

 

You do not need this drama in your life. Love isn't designed to have this kind of hurt and pain and sorrow attached to it.

 

You may think it is love - but I promise you it isn't.

 

This is just messed up. You'll be doing YOURSELF a favor by getting out of HIS mess.

[PinkSunset]

[]

 

No we didn't use condoms and I highly doubt he has an STD. No one who has regular sex goes that quickly the first time...

 

And I know love shouldn't feel this way. I haven't sent the email yet but I did have 48 new text messages on my phone when I looked at it. I wonder what else her disgusting sister does with her time during the day besides harass people that have nothing to do with her.

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I did have 48 new text messages on my phone when I looked at it. I wonder what else her disgusting sister does with her time during the day besides harass people that have nothing to do with her.

 

Nothing to do with her?

Her sister and nephew are hurting and devastated here.

Edited June 22, 2016 by elaine567
fixed quote

[hippychick3]

[]

 

No we didn't use condoms and I highly doubt he has an STD. No one who has regular sex goes that quickly the first time...

 

And I know love shouldn't feel this way. I haven't sent the email yet but I did have 48 new text messages on my phone when I looked at it. I wonder what else her disgusting sister does with her time during the day besides harass people that have nothing to do with her.

 

What you are doing with a married man is far more "disgusting" than his wife's sister and her text messages to you. You brought them on yourself.

Edited June 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator