Girlfriend hooked up with another girl. Am I supposed to be ok with it?

[brakhage]

Long story short, my girlfriend and I were out drinking a few nights ago, and she ended up getting completely hammered and hooked up with (went down on, but apparently didn't receive anything in return) this girl we met that evening while I was not present (duh). She told me this tonight, and I got quite upset.

 

I knew she was bisexual. We've been dating for 4 years. She had made out with a lesbian friend of hers in the past, and even that made me a little uncomfortable, but I got over it. This, I'm having a hard time getting over. She understands that it hurts me, but I don't think she thinks of it as cheating. I know I'd be reacting worse if she had gone down on a guy, but I still feel like crap. From what I understand, a lot of guys fall into 1 of 3 categories where this sort of thing is concerned. They're either:

 

A) Ok with it. It's hot!

B) Ok with it because it might lead to a threesome (this won't happen--she doesn't want to and I don't think I do either. It would just be uncomfortable). Or

C) Not ok with it because they think it'll lead to her eventually leaving me for a woman.

 

I don't think C is a serious possibility. She's always said she was more attracted to guys than girls. Ultimately, I just feel like she cheated on me. If I went out and hooked up with a guy, it'd be over. I know society has a double standard with this sort of this, but I don't see much difference. I don't know if I'm going to be able to have things return to normal, at least not any time soon. Am I overeracting?

[LostOnes05]

Cheating is cheating bro...and she cheated.

[Mrin]

Hell no you're not overreacting. Unless you had a prior agreement that this was okay, she just cheated on you. If I were in your shoes I'd end it immediately.

[Jabron1]

I fall into the category of 'don't screw around with other people' when exclusive. It's a sensible category.

 

I don't care if she's 'bisexual', 'pansexual', 'metrosexual', or anything else. If she wants to screw around, you shouldn't be taking the relationship seriously.

 

Demote her to 'friends with benefits', or outright dump her.

[jen1447]

Am I overeracting?

 

Not really, if you didn't sign on for that. I'd be more worried about her having an issue drinking to excess and not being able to control her behavior - that sounds like lots of problems of all kinds down the road.

[Space Ritual]

Long story short, my girlfriend and I were out drinking a few nights ago, and she ended up getting completely hammered and hooked up with (went down on, but apparently didn't receive anything in return) this girl we met that evening while I was not present (duh). She told me this tonight, and I got quite upset.

 

I knew she was bisexual. We've been dating for 4 years. She had made out with a lesbian friend of hers in the past, and even that made me a little uncomfortable, but I got over it. This, I'm having a hard time getting over. She understands that it hurts me, but I don't think she thinks of it as cheating. I know I'd be reacting worse if she had gone down on a guy, but I still feel like crap. From what I understand, a lot of guys fall into 1 of 3 categories where this sort of thing is concerned. They're either:

 

A) Ok with it. It's hot!

B) Ok with it because it might lead to a threesome (this won't happen--she doesn't want to and I don't think I do either. It would just be uncomfortable). Or

C) Not ok with it because they think it'll lead to her eventually leaving me for a woman.

 

I don't think C is a serious possibility. She's always said she was more attracted to guys than girls. Ultimately, I just feel like she cheated on me. If I went out and hooked up with a guy, it'd be over. I know society has a double standard with this sort of this, but I don't see much difference. I don't know if I'm going to be able to have things return to normal, at least not any time soon. Am I overeracting?

 

Everyone has their own articular dealbreakers. Of course she will counter with "You knew I was Bisexual going into the relationship".

 

Frankly if she is in a committed relationship then she should be fully aware that after 4 years together what you would consider crossing boundaries and /or a deal breaker.

 

In order to save your relationship you must be prepared to walk away from it without hesitation. You have a huge decision to make. Of course some people may not find this to be a deal breaker, and that's fine, but they, nor I am not you.

 

I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

 

I also know "In Wine there is truth" but as a recovering alcoholic I know that I could not blame alcohol or drugs for some of my more insane decisions, even when under the influence. I did a lot of evil stuff when I was using and drinking, but I still made conscious choices. At the end of the day being loaded is never an excuse. I know that firsthand.

 

 

I know you must be reeling, but please take all the time you need to decide what YOU want. If she just wants you to get over it however I would be putting her stuff on the porch in trash bags.

[Friskyone4u]

I think the issue is more complicated my friend.

 

OK, so she is bi-sexual. The fact is if she has to act on that need you have no guarantee that she is not going to get so involved with some chick who DOES have a boyfriend present when you are not around, and we all know what can happen then.

 

And yes, cheating is cheating in that it is still a betrayal of trust.

 

Like I think Jen said, probably not a great idea for her to be getting "hammered" any more with you not around.

 

But I would be a little concerned that her boundaries were broken. That is what you are going to have to deal with in the future.

[elaine567]

Relationships, even with bisexual partners tend to be monogamous and that seems to be your preferred option too.

 

Being bisexual does not give her a pass to cheat with other women, any more than being heterosexual would give YOU a pass to cheat with other women.

 

Because you are now hurt and upset due to this incident, this is NOT OK with you. Girl on girl action is often thought to be minor in some quarters, but there is a big difference, between two drunk heterosexual girls kissing to turn guys on on a night out, and a bisexual woman hooking up with another woman.

 

If you had kids and a long standing marriage here, I would say try to work it all out, but here I would advise you to walk away.

[TunaCat]

Being bisexual does not give her a pass to hook up with another person (man or woman) while in a committed relationship.

 

I am bisexual and I would never, EVER cheat on someone I was in a committed relationship with.

 

Walk away from the relationship now.

[pteromom]

Cheating is cheating.

 

If I liked dark haired guys and blonde guys, that wouldn't give me a pass to hook up with a blonde guy so I can have all of what I want.

 

When you make a commitment to be faithful, that means that your romantic and sexual energy should be turned toward your partner, unless you make an agreement otherwise.

 

She turned her sexual energy to another person. That's cheating.

[drifter777]

Yeah, you said it: you knew she was bisexual when you met and started dating. She's going to crave sex with a woman as much as you do so I think you should either simply tell you when she wants a lesbian hook-up or else you should end things with her. If you are just dating - no engaged - who cares if she does other women as long as she clears it with your first? I couldn't be jealous of that kind of thing as it isn't the least bit threatening to me.

[Try]

Yeah, you said it: you knew she was bisexual when you met and started dating. She's going to crave sex with a woman as much as you do so I think you should either simply tell you when she wants a lesbian hook-up or else you should end things with her. If you are just dating - no engaged - who cares if she does other women as long as she clears it with your first? I couldn't be jealous of that kind of thing as it isn't the least bit threatening to me.

You saying that he "knew she was bisexual when you met and started dating" has nothing to do with this. They are either in an exclusive relationship or they are not. As a bisexual in an exclusive relationship she still needs to be sexually exclusive (male and female) with him and only him.

 

As for you saying that if they "are just dating - no engaged - who cares if she does other women as long as she clears it with your first?" that does not make sense. First, if they are not "engaged" to be married but are in an exclusive relationship, she does not get to have sex with other, male or female. Second, if on the other hand, if they are "just dating" and not in an exclusive relationship, she would have no reason to need to clear it with him "first".

 

Finally, you saying that you "couldn't be jealous of that kind of thing as it isn't the least bit threatening to" you, is all well and good, but if you are in on exclusive relationship, cheating is still cheating. The words "jealous" and "threatening" have no relevance in this.

[drifter777]

You saying that he "knew she was bisexual when you met and started dating" has nothing to do with this. They are either in an exclusive relationship or they are not. As a bisexual in an exclusive relationship she still needs to be sexually exclusive (male and female) with him and only him.

Dude - he said that he knew she was bi when they met. I'm just referencing what he said.

As for you saying that if they "are just dating - no engaged - who cares if she does other women as long as she clears it with your first?" that does not make sense. First, if they are not "engaged" to be married but are in an exclusive relationship, she does not get to have sex with other, male or female. Second, if on the other hand, if they are "just dating" and not in an exclusive relationship, she would have no reason to need to clear it with him "first".

Ok. I can see your point here. Committed is committed so she should have told him before doing it.

Finally, you saying that you "couldn't be jealous of that kind of thing as it isn't the least bit threatening to" you, is all well and good, but if you are in on exclusive relationship, cheating is still cheating. The words "jealous" and "threatening" have no relevance in this.

I'm just telling you my opinion on this. Anytime in our marriage if my wife told me she wanted to have sex with a woman I'd have told her to go for it. I'm not threatened by it. When she did cheat with a man I wanted to die.

[Try]

Dude - he said that he knew she was bi when they met. I'm just referencing what he said.

And I am just referencing that in an exclusive relationship people that are bi do not get to have sex with others no matter if the other person is male or female.

 

Ok. I can see your point here. Committed is committed so she should have told him before doing it.

Actually, in an exclusive relationship she should not have "told him before doing it", she should have asked.

 

I'm just telling you my opinion on this. Anytime in our marriage if my wife told me she wanted to have sex with a woman I'd have told her to go for it. I'm not threatened by it. When she did cheat with a man I wanted to die.

I'm also just telling you my opinion on this. Anytime in our marriage if my wife told me she wanted to have sex with a woman I'd have told her to go file for divorce first. I'm not threatened by it, but if she ever did cheat with a man or a woman, I would want to divorce.

[drifter777]

And I am just referencing that in an exclusive relationship people that are bi do not get to have sex with others no matter if the other person is male or female.

 

Actually, in an exclusive relationship she should not have "told him before doing it", she should have asked.

 

I'm also just telling you my opinion on this. Anytime in our marriage if my wife told me she wanted to have sex with a woman I'd have told her to go file for divorce first. I'm not threatened by it, but if she ever did cheat with a man or a woman, I would want to divorce.

 

Hey - we disagree, ok? Leave it alone.

[kgcolonel]

IMO....take the gender out of the situation.....if she was hetero and hooked up with a man....he'd have a problem with it as well he should....why is it different if she was bi? Cheating is cheating...if HE has a problem with this, HE is entitled to that....

[smackie9]

Yup cheating is cheating....she did something intimate with someone else behind your back. That is deceitful, and selfish.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it's me I'm telling her to hit the bricks. She has this idea that she's entitled and that my friend is B.S.

 

This won't be the last time she does this and if you get pissed she's going to bring up the fact that you knew she was bi and try to make you take the blame. She cheated and it doesn't matter if it was with a man or another woman. She's shown you no respect and your accepting it. That means your giving her the Ok to cheat

[brakhage]

Thanks for all of your responses. It's been a couple days, and we've been working through it. She's seemed genuinely apologetic, and she seems to understand the extent to which it hurt me. She has said she wants to stop drinking because she looses control of herself when she's drunk.

 

To the guy who said he wouldn't feel threatened. I don't so much feel threatened as much as I do betrayed. It just hurts to think of this woman, in whom I've invested so much of my life being sexual and intimate with another person, even if it doesn't mean anything emotional.

 

I'm still having a hard time letting it go. I have the kind of personality where I obsess over things and drive myself crazy, so I can't get the image out of my mind. I find it hard to have normal conversations with her while that "pit of my stomach" feeling is there. She's clearly guilty. She is always telling me how amazing I am, how lucky she is to have me, and she's said she'll never do it again. I believe her. I just don't know how easy it's going to be for me to get over it.

[GR4]

You're a mug if you stay with this girl. She'll cheat on you again, possibly with a man and then you'll be even more hurt. You've been warned.

 

By staying with her you're effectively condoning her behaviour. She'll think "great, I got away with it!"...

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for all of your responses. It's been a couple days, and we've been working through it. She's seemed genuinely apologetic, and she seems to understand the extent to which it hurt me. She has said she wants to stop drinking because she looses control of herself when she's drunk.

 

Seeming apologetic and actually changing behaviors are 2 different things.

 

If you think she will be quitting drinking for any extended period of time and attaching herself at your hip, I have some oceanfront property in Iowa to sell you.

 

The rest of your reply is her blowing smoke up your ass. It's a tale we've all heard before

 

I bet it would take me an abacus to properly demonstrate how many of us on Loveshack have heard her promises from somebody who screwed us over in one form or another in a relationship.

With the summer fast approaching I can predict about how long she will not only quit drinking but also refrain form exploring another woman.

 

I'll give i until Memorial Day weekend when you have your next argument and she goes out and gets drunks and explores her sexuality much to your chagrin

 

You've had it buddy. Your relationship is doomed.

 

Do yourself a favor and dump her now so you aren't back here in July wondering how it could have happened again.

 

Wake up!

Edited May 6, 2016 by Space Ritual

[smackie9]

Wow she sure has you over a barrel......And she blames the alcohol *roll eyes* She isn't even taking any real accountability for her selfish act.

[Emilia]

I'm always amazed how some men try to downplay when a woman cheats with another woman just because there was no penetration. It's still betrayal. So if my boyfriend gave another man a bj but didn't have anal sex with him, it shouldn't count? I would be hanging him out of the window by his ankles regardless. Cheating is cheating.

[Darren Steez]

Questions.

 

1. Is she going to quit drinking forever? A. Probably not

2. Is she going to want to go out just with her friends A. Yes

3. If she's bi-curious somewhere down the line if she gets hit on is she going to pursue it? A. Yes

4. Is she going to respect you after you knew she cheated and still took her back with minimum effort? A. No

 

Of course you're amazing and you're the best because most guys would have thrown her out on her a**, woman or not.

 

Again you're probably young and with time, life will teach you lessons you can only learn by going through them and living through them yourself.

 

What has she done in your eyes to prove she respects you after what she did?

What has she done through actions to win that respect?

 

Not talking about getting into your good books, or saying sorry a million times and crying her eyes out, or appealing to your bruised ego that you're amazing and better than these other folk she would cheat with.

 

I mean really winning your respect?

[elaine567]

 

I'm still having a hard time letting it go. I have the kind of personality where I obsess over things and drive myself crazy, so I can't get the image out of my mind. I find it hard to have normal conversations with her while that "pit of my stomach" feeling is there. She's clearly guilty. She is always telling me how amazing I am, how lucky she is to have me, and she's said she'll never do it again. I believe her. I just don't know how easy it's going to be for me to get over it.

It is not just the type of person you are, it is very common to have such feelings after a cheating event.

It can take years to get over and fully trust again and that is why I would advise anyone just dating to not even try reconciliation after cheating.

Fair enough if you have kids and a long marriage to lose, but dating or in a short relationship, not worth the effort IMO.

Grieve, heal and move on to someone else with a clean slate.