Husband barely interested : /

[Gettingbrave]

How should I approach this?

 

For the last, oh, maybe 3-4 months we've been intimate roughly once or twice every two weeks or so..actually that may be generous.

 

The last few times it was I that initiated. I have noticed over the last couple months that it was a challenge for him to get very hard or stay hard.

 

He is saying that he is feeling depressed as of lately and has very little motivation for anything..work, gym, etc..

I guess sex with me is on that list too.

 

His job is making plenty of money but he is bored and isn't happy with what he is doing.

He thinks that is a large part of it.

 

He is going to be 39 in August and doesn't have any health issues and is not on meds of any sort.

 

I know he WANTS to want to get it on, but just doesn't feel into it at all

He says he feels "blahhh."

Think he needs to see a urologist to check his T?

He is also a little bit overweight, which I know can cause low T as well.

 

So with all of this, I am trying my very best to stay upbeat and not dwell on the lack of intimacy that we are going through.

 

It is so difficult though because, for me, the less we do it, the less I care to do it and the less attached to him I feel.

I am by no means going anywhere, it's just an inner-struggle that I need to face alone..but maybe with help from you guys here, it might be more tolerable.

 

I am just wondering if I should just turn off all of my sexuality while he's in this rut in order for him not to feel pressured by me?

 

Or should I keep being my sexy self and flash him here and there, send him suggestive texts, make silly sexual innuendo, etc..to try and keep whatever little flame we have alive?

 

I am trying SO HARD not to take it personally, but as a woman, not feeling desired by your own husband is really painful.

 

I know it's not his fault, just hopefully a phase that he is going through..sigh...

 

Thanks for listening!

[oldshirt]

what happened 3-4 months ago?

[Gettingbrave]

Nothing in particular! I think he gets to thinking too much though!

[whichwayisup]

Yes, tone down the sexy stuff for a while. Be intimate in the sense of holding hands, giving back rubs and cuddling. He needs that and doesn't need to feel pressured to have sex.

 

He is depressed so he needs to see his Dr, get a full physical done and get a referral to go talk to a therapist about his depression, possibly go on meds.

 

He loves you and IS attracted to you but right now the black dog aka depression monster has him and he just can't be sexual even though he wants to.

 

Reassure your love for him and please, don't make this about you. Don't take it personally and most of all don't go shutting him out because there's a low time in your sex life.

 

Imagine yourself having a flu, having your time of the month at the same time and can't get out of bed. Then your husband wants to have sex. Of course you say no because you feel so sick and awful. That's how he feels right now (i know it's exaggerated) as well as feeling insecure too since he can't physically get it up and stay hard. It's the depression and in his mind, and as a women you should know that minds can control body parts, even with men. Try hard to not take it personally or feel unloved, rejected etc. Sex lives have ebbs and flows in marriages.

Edited May 5, 2016 by whichwayisup

[mikeylo]

He needs to work out and see a doc. Left unattended , his mojo not coming back!

[elaine567]

He may indeed be depressed, or has low testosterone or he is ill and that needs investigated.

BUT

I may have spent too long on here, but at 39 with no interest in sex with wife can mean he is getting it elsewhere.

Addicted to porn or he either has his eye on another woman/women or he is actually seeing another woman.

Do some investigation of your own.

What happened at work, at home, socially etc. 3-4 months ago, would be my first port of call as a reason for his depression perhaps or a reason for his shift of focus off having sex with you.

[Gettingbrave]

Thank you for your replies! Very helpful: )

 

I am trying and am being positive for him..He isn't bad off, just not his normal self. Still loving him the same and not making a big deal out of becoming his roommate- we've talked and I have expressed thst it's hard on me, but I am not continually complaining or anything like that.

 

I asked about porn and he told me he hasn't looked at it in months..not that he'd admit using it.

We had an issue in the past over it.

Not about him using it too much but that he would seek out a particular person. That was years ago though.

Since then I have not verified his use or lack of. If I ever ask he says nope.

So, that's all I have to work with in regards to that.

 

I am contemplating asking him to let me into his phone. He has a lock on it- why? Not sure. I do too- but because I use my phone at work with kids and don't want them getting into it. Only thing- I don't want him to be upset that I don't trust him. I know that's big for men...well women too!

Last thing I want to do is add another layer of trouble onto what we are dealing with.

If I could just look through it though to verify that he is not taking part in anything that would jeapordize us..

 

As for what happened a few months ago..all I can think of was that he had a work trip out of state for a few nights. Came back normal. Nothing changed..it was a gradual thing. (He travels once or twice per year with work people and it's never an issue.)

 

He has minimized his coffee intake dramatically lately. Today I just realized that THAT could explain his lack of 'motivation' to do anything. That should get better as he weans off..I hope!

 

He told me yesterday he'd like to see a doctor just to cover all his bases. This leads me to think the problem isn't external, (another woman, porn, lack of attraction to me...ouch...) but more internal. I mean, he has clearly said to me that it is NOT me. I mostly believe him.

However, there's a catch:

 

A few days ago when we talked about the attraction, lack of sex, etc...

He said "Well, turn me on.."

I said.."how!?" (Before it was never a problem..)

I have never thought about it really..we just do it when it feels natural.

I said kind of sarcastically.."what, you need me to strip for you!? You know stuff like that is not me..it is so contrived..It's embarrassing!"

His response "Get drunk first.." ?

 

Ugh. So that makes me feel like he is wanting more. He is not a man of many words. Is he meaning right now only, he needs more stimulation?

Does he mean that's what he has always wanted and it's bugging him now?

 

I hope that it's something simple like low T or needing to lose some weight. He is only about 20 lbs. overweight though- nothing crazy.

 

Anyway, I am just frustrated and confused. I would like to hug him and punch him at the same time.

[Lois_Griffin]

I am contemplating asking him to let me into his phone. He has a lock on it- why? Not sure. I do too- but because I use my phone at work with kids and don't want them getting into it. Only thing- I don't want him to be upset that I don't trust him. I know that's big for men...well women too!

I can understand that you lock your phone to keep children out of it, but HIS locked phone seems suspicious.

As for what happened a few months ago..all I can think of was that he had a work trip out of state for a few nights. Came back normal. Nothing changed..it was a gradual thing. (He travels once or twice per year with work people and it's never an issue.)

That's a huge red flag that soon after this trip, he gradually changed.

A few days ago when we talked about the attraction, lack of sex, etc...

He said "Well, turn me on.."

I said.."how!?" (Before it was never a problem..)

I have never thought about it really..we just do it when it feels natural.

I said kind of sarcastically.."what, you need me to strip for you!? You know stuff like that is not me..it is so contrived..It's embarrassing!"

His response "Get drunk first.." ��

He sounds sexually bored. I wouldn't be surprised if something happened on his last business trip. I do find it lame that he seems to think it's all YOUR responsibility to get him interested. I guess he thinks he's entitled to just sit his lazy ass in his recliner while you do all the work getting him 'interested.' I couldn't help but notice that he didn't mention anything about HIM trying to spice up your love life..

[elaine567]

I wouldn't be surprised if something happened on his last business trip.

 

Neither would I.

[Cablebandit]

just went through this same thing recently. My work load (construction related) died and it KILLED my sex drive when I started worrying about work. I am a healthy 47 year old but started getting depressed to the point that I no longer even woke up with a morning erection. My wife never needed to turn me on before because I am usually ready to rock at a moments notice. That was not the case with the depression.

 

It isn't YOU. If he is like I was there for a month, he just has no natural interest in sex. On top of work, the lack of desire is stressful because you wonder , "wtf has happened to me?" The allergy season also hurt my sex drive. Put all these together and it was quite a disaster.

 

Work picked up, pollen died down and we are back to our usual 5x a week. Fortunately I have a very supportive wife who understood that it wasn't her that I wasn't interested in.

 

I hope that your husband can get out of his funk, if that's what's going on. Our masculinity is somehow tied to our penis and when that doesn't work right AND we don't have the desire that we've had every single day since puberty, it can be quite a shock to deal with.

[NTV]

You know, how often in your marriage's history has he tried to initiate it and been rebuffed? even though I agree that this isn't about desire for you, and is more than likely a depression... probably related to mid-life crisis type ****... taking this personally is probably the WORST thing you can do. Imagine you were having problems down there and he thought because you weren't ready to have happy-fun-time that you weren't attracted to him? That would make your own emotions about the problems even more stressful.

 

 

Now as far as the stripping thing, that might not be you, but that doesn't mean you can't do it for him. Or that it's your only option. What he's asking for is spontaneous and new. So stripping isn't you, what about a costume? what about roleplaying? what about outdoors happy-fun-time? something new different adventurous.... go out on a limb and show him that you still find him attractive. That you love him even if he's gained 20 lbs. Keep in mind even if he doesn't like what your trying that doesn't mean he doesn't want you. Sometimes something you find sexy he might find silly---and I'm SURE vice versa. You can't take that personally either.

 

 

As far as the phone thing, yes check it. Let him check yours. You guys should be sharing everything anyway in a marriage---or at least have nothing to hide. (understandably that doesn't apply to surprise gifts, etc.).

 

 

When was the last time you guys had a lunch date? can you two take leave and plan one?

 

 

Good luck!!!

[mrs rubble]

Thank you for your replies! Very helpful: )

 

I am trying and am being positive for him..He isn't bad off, just not his normal self. Still loving him the same and not making a big deal out of becoming his roommate- we've talked and I have expressed thst it's hard on me, but I am not continually complaining or anything like that.

 

I asked about porn and he told me he hasn't looked at it in months..not that he'd admit using it.

We had an issue in the past over it.

Not about him using it too much but that he would seek out a particular person. That was years ago though.

Since then I have not verified his use or lack of. If I ever ask he says nope.

So, that's all I have to work with in regards to that.

 

I am contemplating asking him to let me into his phone. He has a lock on it- why? Not sure. I do too- but because I use my phone at work with kids and don't want them getting into it. Only thing- I don't want him to be upset that I don't trust him. I know that's big for men...well women too!

Last thing I want to do is add another layer of trouble onto what we are dealing with.

If I could just look through it though to verify that he is not taking part in anything that would jeapordize us..

 

As for what happened a few months ago..all I can think of was that he had a work trip out of state for a few nights. Came back normal. Nothing changed..it was a gradual thing. (He travels once or twice per year with work people and it's never an issue.)

 

He has minimized his coffee intake dramatically lately. Today I just realized that THAT could explain his lack of 'motivation' to do anything. That should get better as he weans off..I hope!

 

He told me yesterday he'd like to see a doctor just to cover all his bases. This leads me to think the problem isn't external, (another woman, porn, lack of attraction to me...ouch...) but more internal. I mean, he has clearly said to me that it is NOT me. I mostly believe him.

However, there's a catch:

 

A few days ago when we talked about the attraction, lack of sex, etc...

He said "Well, turn me on.."

I said.."how!?" (Before it was never a problem..)

I have never thought about it really..we just do it when it feels natural.

I said kind of sarcastically.."what, you need me to strip for you!? You know stuff like that is not me..it is so contrived..It's embarrassing!"

His response "Get drunk first.."

 

Ugh. So that makes me feel like he is wanting more. He is not a man of many words. Is he meaning right now only, he needs more stimulation?

Does he mean that's what he has always wanted and it's bugging him now?

 

I hope that it's something simple like low T or needing to lose some weight. He is only about 20 lbs. overweight though- nothing crazy.

 

Anyway, I am just frustrated and confused. I would like to hug him and punch him at the same time.

Is your husband a regular or heavy drinker?? If yes, this would explain the depression, weight gain and impotence.