I feel like my husband and I are just friends, and it has nothing to do with sex

[Onionskin]

My hubby and I have been together for 12 years. No kids, but we own a property together.

 

 

For the past few years (and by past few I mean about 5), I’ve felt like we are maybe meant to just be friends. I’ve allowed myself to get way too comfortable and just “gone with the flow” when I know deep down I shouldn’t have. My family are very “shut up and keep the peace” people and this is ingrained in me. I’m currently working on changing this.

 

 

We have no sex life and I don’t mind. I don’t mind not sleeping with him. Every time we did, even in the very beginning when it should be exciting, it felt like a chore. It’s cruel to admit but I was attracted to his personality and kind heart, not his appearance.

 

 

We still get on very well and enjoy one another’s company, but I don’t feel like I want a future with him anymore.

 

 

He is 50 years old, very overweight, lazy and constantly promises to change these things. When I try to help I’m a “nag”.

 

 

I am 33, active, fit and enjoy cooking. He has ice cream for dinner.

 

I’ve changed so much in 12 years and I want out. This is just not where I’m supposed to be anymore and I have no idea how to vocalise this to him without sounding like I’m blaming him.

 

 

Looking back at this post it looks like I am but I'm really not. He's a wonderful guy, we just live our lives in such different ways.

 

Please, PLEASE no advice on how to "work on" it. My mind has been made up for a long time.

 

I just need to know how to get through this.

[CC12]

I just need to know how to get through this.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Form a plan and execute it. Can you support yourself financially if you leave? What will happen to the property? Maybe you'll need to find a temporary rental. If so, have a new place in the works and speak with a divorce lawyer before you break the news to him. If things are already in motion when you tell him, I think you'd be less likely to feel guilty and agree to stay when he promises that he'll change.

 

I’ve changed so much in 12 years and I want out. This is just not where I’m supposed to be anymore and I have no idea how to vocalise this to him without sounding like I’m blaming him.

 

Keep it all about you. I've changed. I'm a different person than I was when we got together. I want something different for my future. When he promises that he'll change and make everything perfect, let him know that you do hope he makes those changes for himself, but that your mind is made up no matter what he does.

 

There's no one to blame here, really. He is who he is, and you are who you are. You were what, 21 years old when you got together with him? It's a given that you would change a lot. You're both going to be okay after this.

[TaraMaiden2]

There IS no 'easy' way out of this, you know that, right?

 

What I think you're asking, is the impossible:

How to initiate a divorce and terminate a marriage with no shock-waves or negative emotions being provoked.

 

What you want, is to serve him papers and for everything to be hunky-dory, him willingly agreeing, you guys still staying friends, living together but giving yourselves permission to go out and live life in the way you'd like.

 

Well wouldn't anyone seeking divorce want that?

Wouldn't it be great if that's the way it could always go?

 

It's not going to go that way, because you're the dissatisfied one, and he's the one who's happy to carry on like this, complacently, exactly as things are.

 

You serving papers will rock his boat, and shift his solid ground.

In other words, you're going to be reversing the statuses.

 

So that's what's stopping you proceeding.

The Upset.

The seismic effect it could have - on him, and in turn, back on you.

 

Let me tell you this:

It's TEMPORARY.

It will pass.

Things WILL settle and he WILL get over it.

 

But you know you have to do it, so, as the saying goes, get all your ducks in order.

Check about division of property, value of goods and chattels, the practicality of either one of you moving out and the other buying them out of their half-share of the accommodation, or having to sell and divide (usually the more practical).

 

Thank goodness you have no children.

[Standard-Fare]

I agree with CC12 that you want to independently form your own plan with this first. Look at your finances, figure out where you're going to live, talk with a lawyer about the process for initiating separation.

 

That way, when you do approach your husband for this difficult conversation, you won't be wrestling with so many uncertainties about navigating your future. You'll be far more likely to stand your ground. For example, if he suggests marriage counseling to figure this out, you can assert that your mind is already made up and your plan is already in place.

 

As TaraMaiden said, there's getting around the fact that this will be painful and upsetting. But that's just how it's gotta be.

 

Also consider the likelihood that your husband, too, might feel unsatisfied and stagnant in this relationship. I'm guessing there's some part of him (whether or not that's unconscious) that also wants out.

[loveboid]

I would just keep being respectful and say I would rather be with other people.

 

I heard somewhere that you can tell someone the 100% truth if you are 100% respectful.

[oldshirt]

so you married a 38 year old at the age of 21 and thought you'd be having wild monkey sex in a dozen years??????????

You married a father figure and no one has the hots for a parental figure.

 

 

And yes, I certainly hope that you have changed a lot and grown up and matured a lot from 21 to 33.

 

 

You have a whole lot of adult life ahead of you and you are in the prime of life. what 33 year old woman would want to be shackled to a fat, lazy Hagen Daz eating blob that sits on the couch.

 

 

Assuming you haven't gotten fat too, you can still find someone your own age who is fit and virile with six pack abs that is ambitious and energetic and you can still have children and raise a family together.

 

 

Your options are that or keep marking time with Mr Ben and Jerry's and you can be his nurse taking care of him as he gets sicker and starts to fall apart.

 

 

I see this breaking down into two general options -

 

 

#1. is building a life and family with Mr Sixpack and raising a family together.

 

 

#2. Is giving bedbaths and spoon feeding mashed peas to Mr Couch Potato.

 

 

Which sounds better to you?

[oldshirt]

your posts about this go back to 2009. When are you going to actually DO something about it?

[Phoenician]

Dear ,

 

Laziness is a curse ,

if you believe that your partner will change ; prepare yourself for the worse .

 

laziness will make him more and more selfish ; until you become completly exhausted...

 

you need to start planning things ; find a job , start saving , and never assume that things will end in a friendly way ; at the end ; one day you will be fed up ; you will either mirror him or leave .

 

 

 

you are 33 , still very young , do you want to become 60 and regret !

 

good luck sweet lady , what are you still waiting for !

[TaraMaiden2]

your posts about this go back to 2009. When are you going to actually DO something about it?

 

OMG, why do I never check when I obviously should - ?!!?

[Onionskin]

Yes, I am embarrassed by how long it’s been. Thanks for being so understanding about that…

 

 

I usually feel great when I come here but I don’t think I’ll return. Too much judgment.

 

 

Thanks to those who actually took the time to comment without the added shock. x

[TaraMaiden2]

I am not judging you. Just wondering why it has taken you so long, and why you have been seeking input for 7 years, when you probably knew a long time ago what it was you should do.

FWIW, I spent 9 years in a marriage I knew should have been brought to a close, and kids were my focus and main reason for staying.

 

So it's also worth considering the "why" for yourself....

[mikeylo]

I dont see any judgement.Its something you dont want to listen, thats all. If this is how youve been feeling for so long, then why did you buy property together ? Duh !

 

Physical attraction is an important ingredient.Thats what differentiates between friends and lovers. Youve had enough time to make your wrong into right.Its never to late to get up and hire a lawyer.