Dad falls down

[seamos]

My father is ninety years old, my mother is eightysix and they still live independantly on the family farm, or at least the few acres that haven't been sold. It hasn't been a working farm for quite a few years but neither of my parents ever want to leave whats left here for any kind of assisted living. My brother and I both live nearby and we try to take care of things outside and any little home repairs that come up.

 

The problem that has been concerning everyone except my father (he still seems to think that he's "a tough old bird") is that dad is falling down more and more lately. I've picked him up four times and helped someone else get him back on his feet probably another four in the last two years that I have been nearby.

 

I have no idea how many times my brother has done it, probably more. Mom isn't strong enough to do it by herself and in fact was knocked down herself not long ago. So far the only injuries my dad has recieved has been lots of cuts and bruises and some cracked ribs and an injured wrist. I know he has been incredibly lucky and he just can't keep expecting to bounce off things without any serious injuries.

 

Dad was in WW2 but the VA has a lot of younger soldiers that need help and so their assistance to my father has been minimal at best. I've been pushing hard for a walker and have tried to get him to see the importance of using one, especially just after he falls because he's so unstable then that he usually falls again the same day. But dad has no interest in using one, we borrowed one recently after a fall but instead of using it he used his cane and fell again that evening.

 

He feels, and I can kind of see his point, that he "has to keep doing all that he can for himself so that he doesn't lose any more of his independance" but damn it! he's going to break a hip or his head if he doesn't swallow his pride and use a little common sense!

 

His mind has also been in decline for several years. His memory is kind of hit and miss, he no longer drives, thankfully for mom. He sleeps a lot, tells ww2 stories a lot, and can't find his way from the gas station back to the car!

 

My brother believes that orthopedic crutches would be better than a walker because dad still goes outside from time to time and a walker may not work so well in the dirt. Right now he only uses a simple cane. His knees are real bad and I wondered if those walkers that are made to assist someone in standing really work.

 

So many questions and not much time and no experience! I can barely remember my CPR training, I have no idea on methods of lifting and transferring a person, every time I've had to help get him moved (to toilet or chair) when he's too weak to stand I feel like two monkeys trying to do you know what to the football!

 

Anyway, can people please give me any suggestions, personal experiences or any other advice on equipment, available help, techniques, warnings, anything that might help.

 

I'll supply any info. you need on the situation.

 

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

You need to sit them down - you and your brother - and tell them the reality of their situation.

You and your brother are both fearful - and it's justified - that one day, he will fall, there will be nobody around to help him - and the reality is that he could injure himself badly - and die.

 

They need help.

Is there anyone, or any way you could think of, to employ someone to come round and visit them, to ensure they're ok?

I take it they live on 2 levels? Maybe bring a bed down and make the lower floor for their habitation needs, and keep the upstairs for a live-in lodger who would live for free but be their carer and support?

 

Seek a strong female with medical background...?

 

In any case, this seriously and urgently needs a family pow-wow, and if your time is limited, then theirs is even more so....but you and your brother may have to unite resources to consider your parents' future.

 

Their time is finite. At the outside, your dad has, with luck and care, maybe another 5 years.

 

Be realistic.

This needs remedy. It's going to take money, and time, but you need to discuss this in the cold light of day with both of them, and your brother.

[amaysngrace]

Who does he have insurance with? That's who you need to call to find out how they will cover medical equipment for him.

 

He may need a script from his doctor most likely.

[seamos]

Oh, Crap! I just typed a long response to your post TaraMaiden2 and suddenly it all vanished!

 

I'll try to rewrite this and hope I can remember everything. I'm like a neanderthal on a computer. First of all thanks so much for your advice, it's appreciated.

 

My parents aren't really isolated, they have a large bell mounted outside their door and I can and have heard it where I live when they needed help. My brother does a lot of the cooking for them so during the day at least we are fairly close. Even at night I would probably hear the bell. I do like the idea of your suggestion for a female w/ medical training to at least be available if needed.

 

Any suggestions on how to best locate someone?

 

I think the VA has a program that may deal w/ at home health care, I'll check with them and find out what they can help provide.

 

My parents are very independant and dads never been hospitalized and mom has only to give birth! They don't even have a primary physician! My god, it's like talking to children and I'm not the most responsible person either. LOL I know I need to be though. I wonder if I could get a medical professional to meet w/ us all and bring a little more direction things need to go in?

 

My brother and I are both reluctant to be the cause of their loss of independance or privacy in any way, it's the way we were raised. Go figure! But I do agree that it needs to be done, I'll talk w/ mom about this more tomorrow.

 

Thanks so much for your advice, I would love to hear any more you might have, this is all rather new for me and I don't want to fail to do something that I should have done to help them. I guess this is where I need to be the level headed adult, huh?

[seamos]

Amasngrace, I don't think dad has any medical insurance. Only what may be provided thru the VA.

 

He did have some but they decided to drop it, too expensive. I mentioned this in another thread about a certain family member who has never worked because his grandmother has given him everything! I won't go into details right now, it really pisses me off. But even tho mom won't admit this is why they dropped dads insurance I feel certain it is.

 

I will talk to mom tomorrow and probe this a little deeper tho. I hope he has something that might help. My parents, especially mother, are incredibly private people, esp. regarding finances but I'll pry a little harder.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[TaraMaiden2]

...My parents aren't really isolated, they have a large bell mounted outside their door and I can and have heard it where I live when they needed help.

Having the bell is a good solution, but getting to it to ring it may not always be possible.

I am in the UK, but you may be able to find something similar, there....

Alert buttons. They work like an alarm system, and although an elderly or infirm person has to have them on their person 100% of the time, all they need to do, is press the red alarm button and someone, somewhere is alerted. We call them 'panic buttons' I'm sure an internet search would help you find something...

 

My brother does a lot of the cooking for them so during the day at least we are fairly close. Even at night I would probably hear the bell. I do like the idea of your suggestion for a female w/ medical training to at least be available if needed.

 

Any suggestions on how to best locate someone?

Find a purpose-published medical magazine or paper, or advertise/request at your local hospital for volunteer nurses, maybe?

 

 

My parents are very independant and dads never been hospitalized and mom has only to give birth! They don't even have a primary physician! My god, it's like talking to children and I'm not the most responsible person either. LOL I know I need to be though. I wonder if I could get a medical professional to meet w/ us all and bring a little more direction things need to go in?

Take baby steps with this, one thing at a time. Don't pour this onto them all at once.

Remember, you're not alone, but you and your brother have to be of one mind to be able to gently wrest control from them, a little portion at a time, to enable them, not take them over.

 

My brother and I are both reluctant to be the cause of their loss of independance or privacy in any way, it's the way we were raised. Go figure! But I do agree that it needs to be done, I'll talk w/ mom about this more tomorrow.

By giving them the support and assistance they increasingly need, you'd actually be giving them MORE independence, not less. If they know that there is always some form of security, they will have more peace of mind. As will you.

 

Thanks so much for your advice, I would love to hear any more you might have, this is all rather new for me and I don't want to fail to do something that I should have done to help them. I guess this is where I need to be the level headed adult, huh?

Without realising it, you've hit the situation bang-on-the-nail.

 

Level-headed adult. hah....

 

Have a look at this link, and pay attention to the graph towards the very bottom, on the right.

 

Basically, your parents are regressing, with age, back to the level-headedness of a 15-year-old.

 

Would you trust a 15-year-old with life-changing decisions?

 

That's how you have to view your parents.

 

In their second childhood, in very elderly and fragile bodies.

 

They can't make logical, rational, sensible decisions - because mentally, their capacity to do so, is at a lower level than it used to be.

 

They're the children, YOU are the dad/mom.

 

They can't help it. They're not stupid - god, they raised you and your brother, and ran a farm eh?

They made it this far, but now, it's your turn.

 

If it's any consolation, I have an 84-year-old mother.....

Edited May 5, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[seamos]

TaraMaiden2, Thank you again!

 

Yes, I've seen those medical alerts advertized here on TV. I like the idea and will look into it. There may be one problem tho, we are in an area that often has trouble sending and recieving signals (cell phones, etc..) so depending on how these things transmit, that may be a problem. I'll certainly find out.

Yeah I agree about the peace of mind and I think for my parents it would be much greater in hindsight. They may not be real eager when I bring it up to them, really resistant to change you know, but I think they would begin to understand that this could be important to their safety after they have one and see that it works.

 

( Neither of them even knew what a GPS was until I used one while driving them to a funeral out of state a year ago. But within a month they bought one for themselves!)

 

The link was interesting, there was a lot there that applied to other parts of my life, you know, such as the results of some bad decisions I have made!? I began to wonder about the condition of my own frontal lobes! LOL

 

Yes, that chart is really sobering, I'm a few weeks away from 50 years old so that would put me at the top of my game and my parents would be at the other end! Scary, but it really puts things into perspective.

 

Your advice has always sounded very level headed and sensible to me. (Only been a member for a short time but I've read threads on this site for several years) It really helps to hear what others think and I appreciate the time you've spent to discuss this w/ me.

 

Thank you,

And best wishes to both you and your 84 year old mother!

[amaysngrace]

They may have coverage through Medicare. If not the VA should be able to help get him what he needs.

 

I hope you're able to get help for him.

[hotgurl]

I was going to say the VA and he should be covered my medicaid. He needs to see neurologist. loss of balance, memory loss...

 

I am surprised the va has not been helpful. There were great for my grandpa.

[GunslingerRoland]

As unfortunate as losing your independence is at that age, it's necessary when you are dependent physically. If he can't get from the bathroom to the bed and visa versa, he's at the stage where he needs to be in assisted living or living with full time care at home, whether that is with you or your brother. Or paying someone to look after them in their home.

 

 

Some decisions need to be made. Is there a living will at all?

 

 

There is some pretty cool lift equipment, which can often be covered or partially covered by health plans. Search for seniors assistance in your area, there are usually some good government programs designed to help people navigate these types of services.

[seamos]

Hello everybody!

 

Hotgurl; I intended to call the VA today but so far have been trying to get a lawnmower running!

 

I think I'll still be able to call them tho.

 

I talked to my brother and he said that our local VA was wanting to focus their resources on vets w/ injuries resulting from combat (or maybe sustained during active duty), either way my dads war was over 70 years ago and none of his problems today were a result of it.

 

I guess they are kind of swamped w/ injuries now from recent times. I do intend to talk to someone there so I can be certain.

 

Thanks for your help!

 

 

GunslingerRoland; I hadn't even thought about a living will for dad! I really doubt that he has anything prepared and that could be real bad if something happens that leaves him unable to speak for himself.

 

I'll find out for sure today and make certain that's taken care of. Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

 

Dads condition right now is real marginally mobile, he can get around, bathe, etc... slowly, but then when he takes a fall he just loses all the strength in his legs and his balance for up to a day, and those are the times that he needs help in everything he does.

 

Of course it will only take a broken hip or something to really put him down for the count.

 

I'll look into what you said might help with mobility equipment for him.

 

Thanks a lot.

[TaraMaiden2]

You need to review this thread, make notes of the 'to do' stuff, and liaise with your brother on strategy.

 

Then, call a family 'meeting' and gently but in a controlled and calm way, advise your parents that you have been thinking seriously about their situation and...*This, this and this*...

 

Get your brother on board, and more importantly assign tasks for the both of you.

 

You don't have to do everything.

 

It's also important that you agree with your parents to give you clearance, in writing, to a lawyer and doctor, and all the supply companies, that you can act and speak to them all on on your parents' behalf, and deal with their business.

 

I have had to do this with my Mother's Doctor, Solicitor, and the Gas, electric, water, taxes and Bank.

 

I don't have Power of Attorney, but that may come....

 

Be sure to keep detailed records of all discussions with these services, and any monies spent, keep the receipts for accountability.

 

Nothing worse than someone suspecting you of being a hustler and conning your folks....

 

Also, bear in mind that at his age, broken bones take a very long time to heal. some never heal at all..... (my father, aged 86, broke his little toe.

It was still broken when he died, aged 89).

[seamos]

Yep, I'm already taking notes! I like having this interaction w/ people who have been thru this before. I'm not sure why this is so unnerving for me but I feel really out of place in this exchanging parental authority or whatever you call it!

 

I only talked to mom briefly today and didn't get into the discussion yet,... tomorrow probably.

 

I did ask her about a living will and was surprised to find out they do have these already!

 

I really appreciate all the suggestions, I think this will begin to feel less awkward as soon as we all begin to discuss it and I don't feel so weird bringing up the subject of my parents lives nearing the end.

[Tayla]

seamoss- a living will is a a set of medical directives. Its not about his estate, although that probably needs reviewed as well.

 

Since his equilibrium is creating these falls, an ear check up is in order.

 

I have tended to the elderly, and most times its the hearing that is lacking and therefore it appears that the ,memory is going.....

 

I respect their willingness to maintain independent living....A sense of dignity is loss when they are asked to concede to assistance. Yet it can be an asset even if its for a few tasks that can alleviate any potential harm....

[seamos]

Hi Tayla,

 

Yeah, I know about the living will, I think it's important that they both have one because if either went into a coma, had a stroke, or whatever, I wouldn't have a clue what they would want done.

 

I expect, at their age, they wouldn't want to be left on life support but I really don't even know what I would want in that situation. Also my parents are both evangelical christians and tho I really, really have problems w/ some of their beliefs and teachings I certainly wouldn't want to disrespect their faith at such an important time

.

As far as a will goes (for the estate) my brother and I both avoid all talk of it like the plague! It would really bother me if it looked like I was chasing an inheritence. I've seen so many people, sometimes entire families that are ready to rip each other apart at a loved ones funeral. Plus there is a family member here already, unfortunately, that seems to be only interested in money. But that's a whole other story.

 

Your suggestion of dads equalibrium affecting his balance would be worth checking ! He has hearing aids of course, could those cause problems like that? I think to a lot of his trouble may come from his knees, they're really bad, but I'll see if he can have his ears checked thru the VA if he can get back in.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this, I feel so unqualified to be in charge of any of it. All the suggestions and support help more than I can explain!

[MidwestUSA]

Seamos, you could be my younger brother (by two years).

 

My mom and dad stayed in their home until he was 89 and she was 85. Dad was a WWII vet as well. Thank yours for his service; there are so few left!

 

I'm a nurse and I'll be blunt. Your dad is falling down because he's 90! You can check all you want into equilibrium and orthopedic problems. But there won't be a damned thing to be done about it. No one is going to replace a 90 year old knee.

 

Bottom line, you HAVE to get them into assisted living, or have someone stay with them. A bell is no good if no one can get to it. An alert is useless with no signal.

 

It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, I know. Get the living will in order. I thank god my dad had his affairs in order; I'm so sorry your mom spent so many resources on you know who.

 

We didn't rely on the VA's help for my dad. He did have private insurance as well as Medicare, and he set my mom up for life in assisted living/nursing home. He failed to do so for himself, however. He died on Christmas 2014 at 91; she's still kicking at 88.

 

The assisted living place where they were (are) is simply a gem. I know that might not be financially feasible for you, so I'd push for the route of caregiver. Soon. A broken hip will be the beginning of the end.

 

I love that your dad tells war stories, my dad hated taking about it.

 

Best of luck, get moving!

Edited May 6, 2016 by MidwestUSA

[seamos]

Thanks for your post MidwestUSA.

 

Yes, ww2 vets are getting pretty scarce anymore. My dad hadn't started his senior year of highschool yet when he was drafted, he finished H.S. after he returned from the war!

 

I can hardly imagine how that experience could affect someone, esp. a farm kid, to be thrust into a blood bath on the other side of the world! He talks about expecting to be sent in to invade the Japanese mainland, but of course the atomic bomb changed all that. They had expected the casualty rate to be over 90% if that had happened!

 

To be a kid in highschool and then to be suddenly facing those odds of dying on the other side of the world is something I can't even imagine! My life has been pretty tame when you compare it to what that experience must have been like!

 

 

Like you said, 90 years of living is pretty hard on a body. He's so frail now that I get nervous just watching him hobbling around the house, not to mention, up or down the outside steps, it looks like he's going to fall each time he takes a step!

 

The assisted living arrangement, I think, would work okay for mom because she's a social person but it would be like putting dad into hell. As long as he has my mom nearby he's content regardless of his physical struggle but if he has to interact w/ strangers he's like a fish out of water!

 

I think having someone come to the home to care for him would be the way to go, even that will be a big change for them. My wife and I are going into town today to visit someone in prison (always a fun experience) so I hope to look into some of the suggestions people have given me.

 

Thanks again for the support and help, it means a lot.

[amaysngrace]

You should bring your father to his primary care physician. That's where I've gotten the best advice on where to go from here with my parents....from doctors.

[seamos]

Amaysngrace; the funny thing about that is that my parents don't even have a primary care physician! I mean, even I have one of those!

 

I know I need to get them to see one and we've talked about it a little bit but it's just amazing that they've had such a lifetime of good health that they don't even go to the doctor. I've been doing things that send me to the hospital my entire life!

 

I'll talk to mom about meeting w/ one, I think she would probably see the benefit of doing that and I'm sure hearing a doctor advising them about these changes would have more impact than to hear it from their son! ha ha ha!