BF and I propositioned by BFF and her BF

[caleigh]

I’m not sure whether this is just insecurity, jealousy or something more sinister going on. I’d like to know what you all think.

 

My bff and I have been friends since elementary school. There is a little history between us in that we once kissed as a dare at a party. A little drunk it lasted a lot longer than it should have. There has been nothing since.

 

We both have bf’s now, mine has been for 3 years and hers for 4. There is no history between me and her bf or her and my bf other than as all seeing each other all the time.

 

So we went to a friends wedding a week ago and rented a penthouse suite and decided to make a mini holiday out of it. So on the night of the wedding (our 3rd night there) we came home and were all in the spa. Probably not a great idea after a night of drinking but we were there for fun. After about half an hour we were getting a little frisky with our own partners when her bf suggested that we should swap for the night!!!! My bf gave the that inquisitive look to see if I was interested. Umm, no!

 

What probably hurt me the most was that my bff spent ages trying to convince me. I can’t even remember what she said, all I remember is that what I was thinking is that she wants to have sex with my bf. Why would I say yes to that?

 

So morning comes around. I’m calmed down a little but am still mad and all I get is the “it was all a joke” and “it was the alcohol talking” excuses.

 

I just can’t stop thinking that she was willing to sleep with my bf. He was willing to sleep with her. I don’t really care what her bf felt. If I said yes it would have happened I’m sure of it, I couldn’t see them backing down and saying “only joking”.

 

To add to the pain my bf and my bff work virtually opposite each other and often carpool to work. I used to think how awesome it was that they got along so well. Now it’s clearly a problem but they think I’m overreacting.

 

So what now? Can I salvage these relationships? Is it possible it was just the alcohol/a joke? Or are they attracted to each other? Or maybe it's already gone further?

[stillafool]

Wow, I really don't know but it is clear they wanted to have sex together.

[amaysngrace]

Her bf suggested it which means he's into you as much as anyone is into anybody else, if not more.

 

I don't know why you focus on the parts that make you insecure rather than the piece that should make you feel sexy and desired but whatevs.

[caleigh]

Her bf suggested it which means he's into you as much as anyone is into anybody else, if not more.

 

I don't know why you focus on the parts that make you insecure rather than the piece that should make you feel sexy and desired but whatevs.

 

Huh? Why would I feel desired because my best friends boyfriend wants to have sex with me? That's not appealing, it's creepy.

 

And who in their right mind would want to let their bff and bf go off for a hot session together?

[whichwayisup]

Well the friendship has changed forever. How can they expect you to brush it off so easily? Especially since they carpool together on occasion and work opposite each other. They are going to talk about it.

 

My concern is, the comfort level between them - Like has something happened already or was it discussed? Fact is, it's out there (they wanted to have sex with one another) and that can't be taken back.

 

You need to have a real honest conversation with your boyfriend.

[caleigh]

You need to have a real honest conversation with your boyfriend.

 

Tried that. All I got was that it was a joke. Harmless flirting. Was never seriously going to happen. Alcohol talking but never serious. A joke. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

I had the same conversation with my bff with the same result. She did admit that she finds him attractive but that that is irrelevant as she would never do anything against me. I said so that means you would have had sex with him if I said ok and she said that's not what she meant but couldn't explain what she did mean.

 

So my options as I see them are

a) I don't believe them so both relationships are over.

b) I believe that it was a joke and move on putting it out of my mind.

c) Pretend that I have changed my mind and see where it leads.

d) I take them at their word but keep an eagle eye on them.

 

D seems the best and smartest option but then I become "that girlfriend" who watches her BF's every move. It would feel like I would be spying on him.

 

FWIW they have offered to not carpool anymore if it makes me feel better. But how petty does that seem asking for that? If they are indeed attracted to each other they will find a way even if that avenue is shut down. It seems pointless for me to stop it.

 

Does anyone think it might have been a joke or am I just clinging to false hope?

[Buddhist]

It would have been a joke if.....when the BF gave you that 'how about it' look and you went....hell no! Everyone burst out laughing. But that didn't happen did it? From hearing the story I honestly think it might have been a bungled serious thing and they thought the alcohol was necessary to lower your inhibitions.

 

Now whether or not that means your BF has any kind of serious crush on your BFF? That's not conclusive. He might have seen her as just a good shag within the context of some kind of consensual open relationship arrangement, even if only for a night. The stupid part is, those kinds of decisions need to be made and considered without the need for alcohol. If he wanted to explore swinging that needed to be a conversation between you and him alone, without alcohol. He wasn't mature enough to go there.

 

I understand it's now hard for you to trust the connection between your BFF and BF. I would feel equally conflicted. But it does show something, your BF is wanting to explore something that you are not. That needs to be a proper conversation now and he needs to own up to what's on his mind. You probably won't ever feel comfortable with him again if he doesn't. Was it just an off-chance thing that he now regrets or is this something that's going to become important to him in a relationship at some point.

[basil67]

I reckon your boyfriend and your bff arranged this between them. The bff's man was happy to go for the ride.

[caleigh]

It would have been a joke if.....when the BF gave you that 'how about it' look and you went....hell no! Everyone burst out laughing. But that didn't happen did it? From hearing the story I honestly think it might have been a bungled serious thing and they thought the alcohol was necessary to lower your inhibitions.

 

If it was a spontaneous thing it makes it easier to deal with even if it was serious. Sort of like hey I have an idea how about we swap? I say no, and they all go yeah bad idea. Even though they were serious it was just a spur of the moment bad decision and quickly corrected. I could probably cope with that.

 

But if they had discussed this earlier and thought that they should liquor me up to free up my inhibitions then that's a whole different story. This means that effectively they were all talking about screwing each other behind my back and tried to think of a way to make it happen. There's no getting over that.

[amaysngrace]

And who in their right mind would want to let their bff and bf go off for a hot session together?

 

Theyre going to whether you let them or not. They probably have their hands all over each other's bods everyday.

 

Like when they do lunch.

[amaysngrace]

I reckon your boyfriend and your bff arranged this between them. The bff's man was happy to go for the ride.

 

Yeah you're probably right. They probably screw all the time and wanted to that night too.

[ASG]

If it was a spontaneous thing it makes it easier to deal with even if it was serious. Sort of like hey I have an idea how about we swap? I say no, and they all go yeah bad idea. Even though they were serious it was just a spur of the moment bad decision and quickly corrected. I could probably cope with that.

 

But if they had discussed this earlier and thought that they should liquor me up to free up my inhibitions then that's a whole different story. This means that effectively they were all talking about screwing each other behind my back and tried to think of a way to make it happen. There's no getting over that.

 

People on this site tend to be quick to jump to the "he/she/they is/are cheating!!!11!!!!11"

 

From what you've said, it seems like it was spontaneous. Did your BF insist, other than giving you the inquiring look?? If not, just let it go. The fact he'd be game for it if you were is not particularly of consequence. Most guys would be.

 

And maybe your BFF and her BF have been wanting to experiment with swinging and thought you and your BF were a good start.

 

I don't think you should be too worried about your BF and your BFF, but obviously, it never hurts to pay attention. Just don't become paranoid about it.

[hippychick3]

Aside from him wanting to sleep with your friend, I would be upset about the fact your boyfriend was willing to let YOU sleep with another man. I can't imagine being with someone who would willingly offer that.

[sunking101]

People on this site tend to be quick to jump to the "he/she/they is/are cheating!!!11!!!!11"

 

From what you've said, it seems like it was spontaneous. Did your BF insist, other than giving you the inquiring look?? If not, just let it go. The fact he'd be game for it if you were is not particularly of consequence. Most guys would be.

 

And maybe your BFF and her BF have been wanting to experiment with swinging and thought you and your BF were a good start.

 

I don't think you should be too worried about your BF and your BFF, but obviously, it never hurts to pay attention. Just don't become paranoid about it.

 

If my girlfriend said that she was up for a threesome/foursome I would finish with her.

[Jersey born raised]

I need some clarification please.

 

Her boyfriend suggested a swap.

 

Your boyfriend looked at you in an inquisitive manner and appeared noncommittal.

 

The boyfriend who suggested the swap His girlfriend tried to talk you into it.

 

 

There are some major shyt tests going on here. How people have reacted are major indications of who they are and what they will be. Perhaps the real question is not about the relationship with the GF but with your boyfriend. He created some major questions about himself.

 

First: pass you around, really?

 

Second: stays buddies with the guy with tried to sleep with his girlfriend, really?

 

As to the girlfriend, demote her to a good aquaintance.

[whichwayisup]

Tried that. All I got was that it was a joke. Harmless flirting. Was never seriously going to happen. Alcohol talking but never serious. A joke. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Joke or not, the intentions are there. They both have an attraction to each other.

 

Have you ever spoken to her boyfriend about this?

 

I had the same conversation with my bff with the same result. She did admit that she finds him attractive but that that is irrelevant as she would never do anything against me. I said so that means you would have had sex with him if I said ok and she said that's not what she meant but couldn't explain what she did mean.

 

Bull crap, she's lying. They 'talk' and 'flirt' often since they are alone and car pooling and work together. If I was in your shoes my trust would be tested here and I'd be feeling WTF and thinking it's time to end it with BOTH.

 

So my options as I see them are

a) I don't believe them so both relationships are over.

b) I believe that it was a joke and move on putting it out of my mind.

c) Pretend that I have changed my mind and see where it leads.

d) I take them at their word but keep an eagle eye on them.

 

a)Ah, I see you thought of this already, I mentioned that above. It is an option you should consider.

b)Not sure how you do that...

c)NO NO NO.

d)Another option and see how often they are in contact (evenings, weekends, do they text one another?), how often he brings her up in conversation. Though by doing this option, could you fully trust both of them?

 

D seems the best and smartest option but then I become "that girlfriend" who watches her BF's every move. It would feel like I would be spying on him.

 

How can he make you feel more secure, how can he earn your trust back? Have a conversation about that with him and hopefully he'll prove to you he isn't into her and only into you.

 

FWIW they have offered to not carpool anymore if it makes me feel better. But how petty does that seem asking for that? If they are indeed attracted to each other they will find a way even if that avenue is shut down. It seems pointless for me to stop it.

 

Good! Take them up on that offer. It isn't petty, if he loves you and wants to have you in his life then THAT is the option he has to take.

 

IF they're gonna get together and have an affair behind your back they're gonna do it regardless. They'd both be pretty stupid seeing as all four of you are friends and the chances of them getting caught are really high.

[ChickiePops]

Am I the only one who doesn't think it's that big a deal? It sounds like it was a spur of the moment thing..you said no, and they moved on. You seem to be the only one who still cares. I really doubt they're having an affair. It's not a shock that two (I'm assuming) attractive people are attracted to each other..it doesn't mean they will act on it.

 

I think you're overreacting. They have dropped it and so should you.

[Mr.Darcy]

How old are you?

 

It seems like you are young-ish (20s) and yet you already have a good head on your shoulders about what is and what isn't appropriate. If you go through the infidelity section or OW/OM you can see just how slippery the slope is from friends to full-blown affair.

 

There is finding someone attractive and there is being attracted to someone. That is a huge difference. I think that if you BF was actively trying to make you feel secure in your relationship instead of downplaying this whole thing as "joke" then maybe I would consider that there is something to be salvaged here. But that is not what happened is it?

 

This is hard. You have history with your BFF. You have 3 years invested into your relationship with your BF. Those are things you can't just turn off. But I do believe that there is a point of no return and they all crossed it the minute they kept at the mate swap scenario.

 

It's easy to blame the alcohol. I hate when people do that. Like for some reason, being drunk makes it okay to act stupidly. But given your BF and BFFs access to each other, I would never feel secure in this relationship especially with the fact that they have exhibited an obvious attraction to each other and willingness to become intimate. People are so quick to blur the boundaries and complicate things that do not need to be complicated. Relationships are hard enough. Why muddy it up by testing boundaries and bringing more people into the equation.

 

Keep your wits about you. I would certainly lay out your concerns clearly. If it were me, I would break up with my GF, I would no longer be friends with my BFF and let them know that my trust has been violated and I don't see a way that I could ever trust either of them around each other again. They will make you feel like you're overreacting, but think of your sanity. You've already joined this site because something didn't set well with you. Do you really think you could ever be around any of them again without looking over your shoulder or sleeping with one eye open? I wouldn't be able to.