Women are too picky

[deadparrot]

OP, I'm going to overlook the wild generalizations in your post and try and give you some straight advice.

 

Think of dating the same way you think about friendship. There are probably a wide circle of people you think of as friends, to various degrees. Maybe coworkers, neighbors, people you know from a shared activity or experience, etc. Some are closer to you than others.

 

That said, you probably have only one or two people you consider a best friend--you understand and can trust each other with just about anything, and you just click with them in a way you don't with anyone else.

 

It doesn't mean those "outer ring" friends are bad people that are "too picky" in their requirements for friendship. It just means that while you certainly spending time with each other and may have things in common, they're not your best friend (and vice versa). And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

In dating, the vast majority of people you're going to meet, you're just not going to click with. In some cases, you're just going to flat out not like each other, which is pretty straightforward. In others you might check all a woman's boxes (if she has such a thing), but if there's not that mutual spark of something extra, the relationship just isn't going to go anywhere, romantically speaking.

 

If finding a SO was simple, there wouldn't be thousands of books and websites devoted to it, and the process of falling in love wouldn't be so special.

[Versacehottie]

I don't know about asking her out...

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that we did bump into each other at a bar one weekend and it felt awkward.

 

We don't actually work in the same department but in the company as a whole she is higher up than me which feels kinda weird because women tend to date up the social ladder not down. And we have never been flirtatious with one another. I dont want to make things weird between us because she's really awesome and I like her and if I ask her out, things will be weird at work everyday and I don't want that.

 

Having said that.... I have thought a lot about seeing her outside work because I want to know more about her but it's a complicated situation.

 

ugh, where are you getting these beliefs, bolded, that will only hurt you! Not true. One of my closest friends is together with a guy who worked under her. Neither one of them is "less than" because that happened that way. He ended up moving way up in the company and switching divisions.

 

I'm wondering if you have never been flirtatious with each other because that is not your personality at all (perhaps not hers either) and complicated by the work situation.

 

Baby steps. You are not going to "ask her out" or be soo literal. You take it one step at a time. You want to get to know her better. Don't think further than that. Hang out. Happy Hour to watch the game. Make it a group thing if you need to; ask her along. Just breezy: "a bunch of us are going to go watch the game after work if you want to join". You can even say that it's a possibility and you are still waiting to hear who's in and who's out--so then it would be fine if it ended up just the two of you. She may even decline the first time or so but it will probably get her thinking. And you can then ask again. Plus you need friends. Like I said, you owe her a drink for doing that report for you. Just say that (which is a bit more of an "ask out").

 

Just make your present goal to get to know her better and spend some fun time with a work colleague. Again you can't expect 0-60 is gonna work. Not the best in a work situation anyway. Even the most confident guy should/and probably would tread with caution in a work situation. She will probably want to do the same.

 

Didn't you say on your other thread how successful women are these days (or maybe someone else did?)? It's true but they still want to be in love. They are probably much more open to a guy who works in a position lower than them, than you believe. Open your mind to possibilities not limitations.

[Versacehottie]

Okay so... I went and talked to "Green Eyes" and was talking to her about plans for the weekend and I brought up the time we saw each other. And I tried to be casual and said "You know it can be strange seeing someone outside of work for the first time unexpectedly. I guess I was kinda weird about it", she looked at me and smiled and her exact reply was..."Right? It is strange when that happens but come on you're not weird. It was really cute". So i said that it wouldn't be that weird the next time we saw each other outside of work and she grinned at me and looked away and said nothing....there was an awkward silence that felt like hours lol. So i just told her to have a good rest of the day and went back to my desk.

 

I am the least productive person today lol

Oh well it's Friday who cares...

 

Ok, you just need to create opportunities by keeping that conversation going on a bit longer and directed toward seeing her outside of work together. But that was good! You just need to keep it going. You say something like: you seem to know all the good places or something along those lines (a compliment). Then ask her where else she likes to go. To one of those places she says, you say I've never been there and then you say: we should go sometime. boom, done.

 

If there is interest on her end, she will know/or suspect that you have some as well. It's unspoken but usually comes out little by little as you hang out more.

[smackie9]

If people on online dating sites have this awareness that, "Well, though he may be slightly shorter than what I want...I'll take a chance at some physical interaction and meet him." You'd think they'd be more willing to meet the person, granted they were relatively decent in their opening email.

 

 

As the saying goes, a poor musician always blames his instrument. You spend too much time blaming the dating site and the people who use it for your lack of success in dating.

 

If you have trouble dating irl, OLD will not help you either. i have doubt your height has anything to do with it.

[AMJ]

Awww. You're off the hook. You should have titled this thread- I have a huge crush on my green-eyed coworker...

Anyway. That long moment of awkward silence was your time to keep the conversation going. You're totally tongue tied around her and all the awkwardness is on you, you even admitted it. If asking her out is too bold, just invite a few other coworkers out to happy hour and then invite her too. Make sure to invite coworkers that she's also friends with. Then you can spend time with her outside of work. Then you go to happy hour, spend the majority of the time talking to her, and THEN you can ask her out.

[jen1447]

Or you could skip speaking it altogether and write her a note or sth. /shrug

[sandylee1]

I think men also have a mental checklist as well. I mean you have to take it seriously if you're looking for a life partner.

 

Many many women are more than happy with the average man and are more interested in their personally and how they treat them than the size of their wallet or bank balance.

 

Of course when I was in the dating scene and looking out for a life partner, I didn't want a poor man unable to support me when I became pregnant and would not be earning....but that's not saying I was looking for a wealthy man either as I've always believed in earning my own money .... but I knew when I was having babies that would be difficult.

 

If a woman is ONLY after a rich guy.. then they are not the one for you. Most women would like a nice wealthy man.. as opposed to just a wealthy man.

 

You also need to bear in mind what these women's childhood was like. I know a family who lived quite an impoverished lifestyle as kids. ... they saw their mother working and their father was unemployed their whole lives .... all 5 of the girls married wealthy men... they didn't want to live the life their mother did.

[salparadise]

We don't actually work in the same department but in the company as a whole she is higher up than me which feels kinda weird because women tend to date up the social ladder not down.

 

ugh, where are you getting these beliefs, bolded, that will only hurt you! Not true. One of my closest friends...

 

 

Everybody keeps telling Porter56 that his premises are wrong, but I don't think they are. He's talking about predispositions or a general rule, and citing one or several exceptions does not invalidate that premise.

 

For example, you could say that men are taller than women, and pointing out one woman that is indeed taller than most men does not prove the premise incorrect.

 

These predispositions that he speaks of are documented in books by Robert Wright, Richard Dawkins and David Buss, all notable experts in field of evolutionary biology/psychology. Historically, women have tended to marry up and prefer men who increase their economic and social status. The expression of this is less dramatic today than it was prior to monogamy.

 

Women are picky. Christian Rudder used the math from okc to prove that women deem eighty percent of men to be below average (published in his book Dataclysm). Women are the optimizers of the gene pool. As I said in another post, if mating selectivity were left to men we'd all be asymmetrical idiots, and I don't think that's an exaggeration.

[AMJ]

Women are picky. Christian Rudder used the math from okc to prove that women deem eighty percent of men to be below average (published in his book Dataclysm). Women are the optimizers of the gene pool. As I said in another post, if mating selectivity were left to men we'd all be asymmetrical idiots, and I don't think that's an exaggeration.

 

That is hilarious. I think the point people are trying to make is that OP feels so overwhelmed by women holding all the cards that he doesn't even try to pursue women he's interested in. So yes, women are picky (though I know of plenty of women who weren't picky enough) but that shouldn't deter someone from trying to date one.

[salparadise]

That is hilarious. I think the point people are trying to make is that OP feels so overwhelmed by women holding all the cards that he doesn't even try to pursue women he's interested in. So yes, women are picky (though I know of plenty of women who weren't picky enough) but that shouldn't deter someone from trying to date one.

 

Oh, I agree. Every individual unique, and sometimes we have to find one who doesn't subscribe to certain rules... one who sees what we have to offer as truly special even if we don't fit the stereotype. I found one who thinks I'm special, and she's probably out of my league... except I don't subscribe to leagues.

[Space Ritual]

This thread needs some Space Ritual Levity

 

 

Girls want a lot of things from one guy.....

Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls...

 

 

LOL!!!

[Versacehottie]

That is hilarious. I think the point people are trying to make is that OP feels so overwhelmed by women holding all the cards that he doesn't even try to pursue women he's interested in. So yes, women are picky (though I know of plenty of women who weren't picky enough) but that shouldn't deter someone from trying to date one.

 

exactly. We are not talking about complete outliers. on the spectrum, I don't think anymore negative thoughts will help the OP. He has enough. Doesn't need to add bitterness to it also. Needs to move his thinking to the other side of the spectrum. Point is for every "fact" that is come up with, there is a counterpoint. He is taking his beliefs as absolutes and that they apply all of the time. Wrong. Actually I know a lot of very successful women, way beyond that one example (she is just one of my closest friends and they met in similar situation to the OP which is why i used it). They have no choice really but to "date down" (which they don't see it that way but in terms of job vs job) since they are so successful.

 

OP is good (as some other guys are apparently) at coming up with reasons for "why someone wouldn't be interested in him"--all we are are saying is come up with some "why she would be interested in him" type thinking. Um, because it's possible. Not saying facts or stats aren't relevant but so is anecdotal evidence. I am thinking of many, many more examples of women I know who make more than or have a higher career status position than their significant other. Not a big deal. Actually TBH, usually what happens is the guy will have some inferiority issues of his own relating to his gf or wife's high career status or money earning capability--not the other way around. I'm sure you have anecdotal evidence to the contrary on that, sal, so we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

[Versacehottie]

Oh, I agree. Every individual unique, and sometimes we have to find one who doesn't subscribe to certain rules... one who sees what we have to offer as truly special even if we don't fit the stereotype. I found one who thinks I'm special, and she's probably out of my league... except I don't subscribe to leagues.

 

Which is hilarious, since that is precisely what the fact you gave is about: girls don't want to date certain guys because they believe they are better than those guys, ie the guys are average and they obviously think of themselves as deserving above average. And the anecdotal fact I gave says that other people don't subscribe to leagues either.

 

Glad you found a good girl btw--who loves you just as you are.

[salparadise]

I'm sure you have anecdotal evidence to the contrary on that, sal, so we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

I don't think we disagree at all. I said that sometimes we have to find the exceptions, people who care more about what we DO have to offer than what we don't. But I do think it takes belief in one's own worthiness to make it possible.

 

PS: yes, I didn't see the second post before I posted again.

Edited May 6, 2016 by salparadise

[Jabron1]

Hahaha precisely this. Whenever a girl asks me how tall I am on Tinder I respond with "how much do you weigh?"

 

Standing up, or lying down?

 

Edited May 6, 2016 by Jabron1

[losangelena]

Well, women certainly aren't *too* picky.

 

After-all, we are, as a species (perhaps unfortunately, in some cases), still here.

[Shanex]

This thread needs some Space Ritual Levity

 

 

Girls want a lot of things from one guy.....

Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls...

 

 

LOL!!!

 

Thats correct. I only want one thing from ONE woman, eventually.. Be my life Partner and why not have a few children... Call me naive.

 

Without trolling the thread which is pretty much going this way.. I used to be "That Guy" who only valued women for sex. As long as I could get in their pants it was fine to me. This was before I realized past 30 that these days were over for me. I could easily mislead (manipulate) women and make them believe I want a RS only to dispose of them after banging it a couple times but I matured and theres no reason to be mean not to Say cruel anymore.

 

Incidentally Im struggling to find a late though. My goals are sincere and despite looking for something serious and meaningful Im too often tarred with the same brush as the other Guys.. Ie. All men are lying, cheating bastards.

 

Its a tough market.

[jen1447]

exactly. We are not talking about complete outliers. on the spectrum, I don't think anymore negative thoughts will help the OP. He has enough.

 

I'm sensitive to OP's needs to chin up but just in an academic sense, confidence needs to be based on reality - you have to have sth objectively 'good' to be confident about or proud of or your attitude will just come off as crass and clueless.

 

Now I'm sure OP does have some legit good qualities to take pride in, and even ppl who don't in particular can improve themselves - get good at a skill or become knowledgeable about geology or some random thing, but the point is you can't just wear a positive attitude like a sweater.

 

Be a good version of you and the attitude will follow.

[brothers343]

I dont give three ****s about status.....status is over rated. I brood confidence and it has helped me achieve my goals. Money doesn't really mean nothing to me as long I have enough to take care of my family......to me is just a symbol of an S with two sticks in front of it. To me being with soneone becouse of money or status is a boring equation. I think most woman would agree that they rather be happy and in love than have the (STATUS).......but nothing behind it.

[Versacehottie]

I don't think we disagree at all. I said that sometimes we have to find the exceptions, people who care more about what we DO have to offer than what we don't. But I do think it takes belief in one's own worthiness to make it possible.

 

PS: yes, I didn't see the second post before I posted again.

 

hmmmm, it didn't feel like that's what you said, but if that's what you meant. I totally agree and you're right we don't disagree at all.

[Buddhist]

well, I'm definitely very picky. I only give myself two options....

 

- Great relationship

- Single

 

Either of those options are fine by me.

[Versacehottie]

I'm sensitive to OP's needs to chin up but just in an academic sense, confidence needs to be based on reality - you have to have sth objectively 'good' to be confident about or proud of or your attitude will just come off as crass and clueless.

 

Now I'm sure OP does have some legit good qualities to take pride in, and even ppl who don't in particular can improve themselves - get good at a skill or become knowledgeable about geology or some random thing, but the point is you can't just wear a positive attitude like a sweater.

 

Be a good version of you and the attitude will follow.

 

I 100% agree. I think he actually undervalues the reality of his qualities (if I remember right he said he has 3 degrees--we can start with that!!). My point was more toward people chime in with additional stuff that will be reasons for the OP to undermine him moving forward with his mission. For every fact; there is a counterpoint. Especially for something as hard to quantify as finding a gf. It's the absolutes of any statement, which he tends to accept as true beliefs, that won't help him. He has enough of the negative ones (real as some of them may be, to balance him out). I don't think any of us has to worry about him falling into the arrogant category anytime soon. Probably too humble, if anything.

 

The helping him thing is getting him to at least neutral and then let him experience what happens in the real life marketplace.

[Jabron1]

I dont give three ****s about status.....status is over rated. I brood confidence and it has helped me achieve my goals. Money doesn't really mean nothing to me as long I have enough to take care of my family......to me is just a symbol of an S with two sticks in front of it. To me being with soneone becouse of money or status is a boring equation. I think most woman would agree that they rather be happy and in love than have the (STATUS).......but nothing behind it.

 

I think people need to realise that attraction isn't a choice. And that goes for both men and women.

 

I was reading something a while ago about Neil Strauss. For those who don't know, he was the worlds most famous player. He was living in a block of flats/appartments, and the lady that lived above was in her 60s.

 

Long story short, he felt some chemistry with this woman, which developed into him shagging her one night in her apartment (in graphic detail, she had some sort of bowel problem, and there was a bag attached to her...).

 

So here you have the world's greatest player shagging someone 30 years his senior (and flaking on a very attractive young club girl to do it too)

 

Stop limiting yourself by negativity. None of it is real, it's just your mind playing tricks.

Edited May 7, 2016 by Jabron1

[MissBee]

 

All I hear is how when you meet a woman she has a mental checklist and she has tests she's going to put you through and as a man trying to meet women I'm told what to wear, how to do my hair, how to smell, how to stand, how to talk, how to walk but.... I should just be myself. What???

 

 

To the above, women face A LOT more of this than men. Heck, many of the messages we get are about finding a man at ALL cost and that your only value is if a man wants to be with you or sleep with you and the prize of all prize is marry you. And even if you get married, you better stay looking like not a day over 25 or else your husband will leave you for a younger model. There are immensely more beauty, fitness, cosmetic surgery things etc marketed towards women than men and the fashion, beauty and cosmetic surgery industry are far more geared towards making women look, smell, stand, chemically and surgically alter their bodies, personalities, etc to find a man. Have you been to a book store? Check out the relationship section, most of that is geared towards women and how they can change themselves to find a man or fix their relationship or read a man's mind and few are geared towards men doing the same. So even as a woman if you have a career, other interests, your own money etc...some people still think those things are secondary to finding a man. It's then not really all that surprising that for some women, when they're told the only value they have is in finding a man (see some threads here currently about why women marry and basically a woman should stay home and cater to her man), that they then focus on finding one who can do something for them.

Edited May 7, 2016 by MissBee

[Jabron1]

All I hear is how when you meet a woman she has tests she's going to put you through

 

The only tests so far have all been in your own head.

 

Surely you can see that now?

Edited May 7, 2016 by Jabron1