Women are too picky

[katiegrl]

Ya know, this thread has actually been quite enlightening.

 

You know all those threads from women we read about how their boyfriends suddenly just bailed on them.... when everything was going so well, and they were moving closer?

 

Now we know at least one of the reasons is cuz the guy actually started developing strong feelings for her, and he basically freaked out! Due to his own fears and anxieties!

 

Meanwhile the poor girl thinks he lost interest!

 

Interesting.

[Porter56]

I don't remember saying that I wanted to kill myself??? If I did I was being sarcastic.

 

As far as my relationship history? The longest I have been with someone is a little less than a year. 10 months about. I haven't been on a date or even gotten a number in........6 years(you can't tell by just reading this but that took me awhile to remember when it was lol).

 

I never bailed on anyone. I have never felt a connection to anyone though. My relationships just kinda went nowhere and most the women were into other guys. Relationships I've had total is 4. In college and right after in the first half of my 20's I had......22 one night stands/casual hookups.

 

I am being extra social lately though. I am talking to everyone I can at work, the gym,the store, my neighbors etc etc...it does feel good to be more social even though the majority of people ignore you or are very short with you. I have probably talked to over 70 or 80 people I had never met before in the past week.So I am being more social which is a step in the right direction.

[sc0316]

I like your posts, Katie. But I don't see any harm in going on a few casual dates, maybe not with someone you're so invested in already. I guess I read about OP's tough background growing up in another thread and am really rooting for him.

[Cinnamonstix]

I don't remember saying that I wanted to kill myself??? If I did I was being sarcastic.

 

As far as my relationship history? The longest I have been with someone is a little less than a year. 10 months about. I haven't been on a date or even gotten a number in........6 years(you can't tell by just reading this but that took me awhile to remember when it was lol).

 

I never bailed on anyone. I have never felt a connection to anyone though. My relationships just kinda went nowhere and most the women were into other guys. Relationships I've had total is 4. In college and right after in the first half of my 20's I had......22 one night stands/casual hookups.

 

I am being extra social lately though. I am talking to everyone I can at work, the gym,the store, my neighbors etc etc...it does feel good to be more social even though the majority of people ignore you or are very short with you. I have probably talked to over 70 or 80 people I had never met before in the past week.So I am being more social which is a step in the right direction.

 

 

I've read the whole thread. Aside from the self-doubt I know you have through your thread, I think you sound like you come off quite funny and charming, and you seem to have a good heart. Don't second-guess yourself so much. Clearly you used to have game if you had 22 ONS (6 years ago as well?), or you used to have a habit with the bottle that you dropped. If it wasn't alcohol curbing your anxiety with women, what has happened between then and now? How have you changed?

[katiegrl]

I don't remember saying that I wanted to kill myself??? If I did I was being sarcastic.

 

 

Okay my apologies, it was another poster who said that.

 

I think I'm going to kill myself

 

You did write this though... which would indicate some major freaking out.

 

This is stupid, I can't do this.

 

I'm not like normal people. I think I'm going to have a panic attack or something. She is being really weird towards me today, kinda distant. I can't handle this. This is not fun for me... I'm not ready to go on a date with someone I like this much...

 

Like I said, I am with you! I don't want to date either, whether it's fear or something else... and if I somehow accepted a date, I would be freaking out too!

 

Just be aware of your motivations... if you don't want to date, that's okay but then don't ask anyone out. Re-evaluate later.

 

I don't recommend dating a woman you are NOT into though, as that is mis-leading also. IMO.

 

Good luck!

[katiegrl]

I like your posts, Katie. But I don't see any harm in going on a few casual dates, maybe not with someone you're so invested in already. I guess I read about OP's tough background growing up in another thread and am really rooting for him.

 

I am too!

 

I dunno I guess I just believe in always being fair and honest.

 

I spose it's okay to date someone casually, that you don't like all that much, as long as he's honest and straight with her about it.

 

For me, and I think for most women, when I start dating a guy, and he continues to ask me out, I assume he does have feelings for me, which raises MY interest in him.

 

It would never occur to me that he has these issues re dating a woman he really likes. If he did, I would want to know that.

 

But yeah I am totally rooting for him!

 

Maybe a little self-reflection and introspection are in order though... to determine what exactly is triggering the fear.

[Cinnamonstix]

I am too!

 

I dunno I guess I just believe in always being fair and honest.

 

I spose it's okay to date someone casually, that you don't like all that much, as long as he's honest and straight with her about it.

 

For me, and I think for most women, when I start dating a guy, and he continues to ask me out, I assume he does have feelings for me, which raises MY interest in him.

 

It would never occur to me that he has these issues re dating a woman he really likes. If he did, I would want to know that.

 

But yeah I am totally rooting for him!

 

Maybe a little self-reflection and introspection are in order though... to determine what exactly is triggering the fear.

 

I can see the value in exposing yourself to dating the opposite sex just for practice. They do say to practice going to interviews for jobs you don't really care about to prepare yourself for one you really want.

 

That said, I still wouldn't feel right about wasting people's time in an interview or in real life for my own benefit. It doesn't jive with my values, and I don't like spending my time with people that I'm not really into. I'd rather hang out by myself. Some people aren't built for casual. If OP is the same way, I don't think he needs to practice before the big game.

[Porter56]

College is easy...everyone is young and stupid and getting laid. I padded my stats during those years lol

 

To be truthful Ive never had "game" so to speak. In college girls actually approached me a lot so it was easy. After college, that never happened. I have always been nervous around attractive women. Alcohol certainly helped at one point. But now I'm older and things are different.

[katiegrl]

I can see the value in exposing yourself to dating the opposite sex just for practice. They do say to practice going to interviews for jobs you don't really care about to prepare yourself for one you really want.

 

That said, I still wouldn't feel right about wasting people's time in an interview or in real life for my own benefit. It doesn't jive with my values, and I don't like spending my time with people that I'm not really into. I'd rather hang out by myself. Some people aren't built for casual. If OP is the same way, I don't think he needs to practice before the big game.

 

Completely agree except for interviewing. I think practice interviewing is fine... as you're not dealing with someone's emotions.

 

Dating someone you (generic you) aren't all that into for practice doesn't jive with my values either.

 

You are messing with a woman's emotions ... unless again you are straight with her from the get go, but then I can't imagine a woman being interested in dating a guy when she knows he's just practicing on her and isn't into her all that much.

[Cinnamonstix]

I never bailed on anyone. I have never felt a connection to anyone though. My relationships just kinda went nowhere and most the women were into other guys. Relationships I've had total is 4. In college and right after in the first half of my 20's I had......22 one night stands/casual hookups.

 

Re: the bolded above, I don't really understand this. I can't understand really liking someone if you don't feel connected to her. Is it pure attraction that only needs to go one way? I do admit I'm a bit weird though because I can't get into someone that doesn't seem to take a lot of interest in me.

 

I think this part is super important to talk about with your therapist if you haven't already.

 

College is easy...everyone is young and stupid and getting laid. I padded my stats during those years lol

 

To be truthful Ive never had "game" so to speak. In college girls actually approached me a lot so it was easy. After college, that never happened. I have always been nervous around attractive women. Alcohol certainly helped at one point. But now I'm older and things are different.

 

Ok makes sense about "game". If you're still going out and being social though and you haven't changed much physically or personality-wise, it still doesn't make sense that not one woman has approached you.

[Porter56]

I suppose I'm more insecure now then when I was younger. I'm actually in better shape than when I was in college. I think I give off negative energy because I am quite anxious in situations where I could meet women. I personally just think being in your mid 30s is different than when you're in your late teens/early 20s. College girls were different. Plus it helped that I was an athlete in college so they were kinda like groupies a little bit. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist but it's just the way they were back then.

 

I've never had game. I even hate thinking of it like that...like I have to put on an act to make people interested in me. Which is what the term "game" implies to me.

 

As far as connection or lack there of.... I began relationships WANTING to have a connection so I would begin a relationship trying to manufacture a connection if that makes sense. But in the end it didn't work

[joseb]

As far as connection or lack there of.... I began relationships WANTING to have a connection so I would begin a relationship trying to manufacture a connection if that makes sense. But in the end it didn't work

 

Nope. It doesn't make sense. You should not have to manufacture a connection. Nor should you try to. It either happens naturally or it doesn't. It sounds like you have fallen into relationships with women you didn't really like rather than look for one you do.

[Cinnamonstix]

I'm using "game" playfully.

 

I can see a 6 year drought having a big affect on your confidence with women.

 

Having a connection should definitely be there prior to a relationship. A relationship would only serve to strengthen that. Have you ever felt a connection to someone non-romantically, like a friend? When you're bantering with Green Eyes and having fun, you do not feel connected?

 

This baffles my mind. I am big on connection . It's the most important thing to me. If I were to play a gambling psychologist, I would have to put my money on a fear of intimacy OR you're always so anxious and in your head that you prevent real feelings from developing. But since I don't gamble, I'm curious as to what your therapist says about this. To be mid thirties and not have had a connection with anyone... well no one should live like that. Having someone in your life who just gets you is just about the most beautiful thing.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[Porter56]

Ok...Green Eyes and Mr Perfect update....

 

So they were together all day and left work together. YAY!!! Lol

 

I am just feeling sick over this. I mean seriously if you could just see this guy and talk to him. If you could order the perfect man out of a catalog....he would be delivered to your door. Rich, successful, looks like a Hemsworth, built, smart, charming, dressed great(armani suit) on and on....seriously I think I might ask him out lol.

 

I need to let it go and I am trying but I need to vent, so let me be insecure and whiny for a minute....

 

He is so much better than me. And it drives me crazy to see her with a guy who has so much going for him. And because she's laughing harder at his jokes, smiling more at him than she does at me, playfully touching him which she's never done with me, and I know I saw her checking him out when he wasn't looking.

 

I'm just upset... I am not mad at her, this is all me and my issues. She is attracted to who she's attracted to. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing women for not liking me like some people on here.

 

They just have a lot in common because like her, he's traveled a lot and has been to Europe where her family is from and they're getting along famously.

He's probably banging her in his Jaguar right now as we speak lol

 

It's hard to see a better man with the girl you like...that's all. Ok I'm done.

 

Seriously I am in therapy.... I swear lol

[Cinnamonstix]

First, that is your problem right there. Thinking people are better than you. Change your thinking. There are only people who are right for us and people who aren't. If Green Eyes prefers Thor to you, she's just not right for you.

 

There will be many women out there who prefer what you're serving than Mr. Perfect's tried and true vanilla variety. Seriously. Perfect is so boring. I'd rather someone INTERESTING that I have a connection with to the popular guy in the office who does P90X on his lunch break and stops his jaguar to let ants cross the road. Those women that see how great you are should be the ones you focus on.

 

I think if you work on your confidence, the rest will follow.

[Porter56]

Yes I did start relationships with women I didn't feel much more than lust for and that's why they were all short lived.

 

Women just haven't been interested in me in a long time and it's mostly me and I am working on my issues by getting out and being social.

 

You don't need to he a psychologist to understand...on my other thread I went on about my childhood. I think the thread is called "Good Old Fashioned Approach Anxiety "

 

I do feel a connection with Green Eyes very much. Way more than anyone I've ever met. It's like my whole life I wondered what it would be like to feel deep feelings for a woman. The type of feelings where you don't think about just going to bed with her but you fantasize about the talks you'll have, picking out curtains, cooking her breakfast in bed, having picnics with her...wow I sound like a Halmark card.

[Porter56]

She's probably getting Thor's Hammer right about now (rim shot!) Lmao

 

I'm sorry... I couldn't resist. Bad joke I know.

[Buddhist]

She's probably getting Thor's Hammer right about now (rim shot!) Lmao

 

I'm sorry... I couldn't resist. Bad joke I know.

 

Or he could be gay. Like so many seemingly 'perfect men' who happen to be perpetually single.... Women have terrible gaydar or wilfully ignore it if the guy does not swing off a chandelier and push his gayness in their faces, and they find him attractive.

[katiegrl]

Yes I did start relationships with women I didn't feel much more than lust for and that's why they were all short lived.

 

Women just haven't been interested in me in a long time and it's mostly me and I am working on my issues by getting out and being social.

 

You don't need to he a psychologist to understand...on my other thread I went on about my childhood. I think the thread is called "Good Old Fashioned Approach Anxiety "

 

I do feel a connection with Green Eyes very much. Way more than anyone I've ever met. It's like my whole life I wondered what it would be like to feel deep feelings for a woman. The type of feelings where you don't think about just going to bed with her but you fantasize about the talks you'll have, picking out curtains, cooking her breakfast in bed, having picnics with her...wow I sound like a Halmark card.

 

Re bolded.... don't mean to give you a hard time... but one has to wonder how truly genuine this connection is since it appears to essentially be a fantasy... and only one sided.

 

Connecting with another involves an energy/vibe generating between BOTH people.

 

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is infatuation.

 

Which can be fleeting, and often times not even based on reality.

 

And, with people with fears such as yourself, tends to exist only in your dreams.... it's a fantasy.

 

Once she actually became attainable and wanted to date you... my guess would be your infatuation would diminish significantly.

 

Right now she is SAFE for you (emotionally) precisely because she is unavailable to you.

 

Therefore your heart is open and receptive to these feelings.

 

I mean, look at what happened when she accepted your invite!

 

You very quickly began freaking out, not wanting to go and were actually relieved when she broke it!

 

This speaks volumes as to your true feelings and intentions.

 

I hope you will explore this with your therapist.

 

Again, best of luck!

Edited May 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[MidwestUSA]

She's probably getting Thor's Hammer right about now (rim shot!) Lmao

 

I'm sorry... I couldn't resist. Bad joke I know.

 

You are so funny, OP! I'd buy you a drink.

 

My bet is the guy can't get it up. Have a giggle on me.

[AMJ]

And a guy just asked me if I'm picky. It was the 3rd question he asked me. I said yes, I am.

[Porter56]

Katiegrl...maybe you're right. This whole thing was in my head. I need to move on from Green Eyes. Maybe.

 

When I talk to her... I'm not really thinking anything like I normally do when I talk to people. I'm just interacting and having fun. Time flies and I don't even notice. I'm not like that with other people. It's just a really nice feeling and I care about her so much

[Versacehottie]

Katiegrl...maybe you're right. This whole thing was in my head. I need to move on from Green Eyes. Maybe.

 

When I talk to her... I'm not really thinking anything like I normally do when I talk to people. I'm just interacting and having fun. Time flies and I don't even notice. I'm not like that with other people. It's just a really nice feeling and I care about her so much

 

oh no. why are you letting doubt creep into your head. I get it because of seeing them interact today. But i think you guys already have a connection...and it's not all in your head. I think you are feeling overly sensitive about her interacting with other guys, which is normal because almost anyone would feel like that in your situation. It doesn't mean you've lost, lost her or should give up AT ALL. Concentrate on getting the promotion, then circle back around to re-address this whole green eyes thing. There will be more FACTUAL info available at that time.

 

Pffft. Jaguar. That doesn't sound like a real man's car. Suspect. Just sayn.

[katiegrl]

Katiegrl...maybe you're right. This whole thing was in my head. I need to move on from Green Eyes. Maybe.

 

When I talk to her... I'm not really thinking anything like I normally do when I talk to people. I'm just interacting and having fun. Time flies and I don't even notice. I'm not like that with other people. It's just a really nice feeling and I care about her so much

 

Porter, you misunderstood me.

 

I KNOW you are feeling it! It's not in your head, it is very REAL.

 

I just find it interesting that when you are actually dating a girl, when she actually iS available, you DON'T feel a connection.

 

But with this girl, whom you are not dating, but only fantasizing about dating, you DO feel a connection.

 

But yet, when you made a date with her and she agreed, suddenly you wanted to cancel and were relieved when she did.

 

Anyhoo, I am done analyzing ..... listen to Versacehottie and stay positive, who knows!

 

Continue therapy though..... and don't mislead her or anyone, assuming you discover she is interested and wants to date you!

 

Keep us posted!

[Porter56]

Versace....Jaguar? Pffft?

 

Ok here's a hypothetical....

 

Cute girl walking down the street. Two guys roll up on her to say hi. One is in a Jaguar. The other is in a Corolla (don't be jealous of my ride). Who wins?

 

Answer: Not the guy with good gas mileage.