Poof! went back to his wife **Updated**

[bewell]

Hi Everyone!

 

I am so glad I stumbled upon this forum because I have no other support outlet and google searching my situation leads me to a lot of garbage in the blogosphere. I know I am not alone in this and I see there are many others experiencing the pain, grief, and misery that I'm feeling. I can't even type out my entire story because sooooo much happened and it just pains me to have to relive it all again through writing. That being said, I'll share the most recent event(s) without being too explicit because I know he searches for me online.

 

Quick info: Met xMM (20 years older) October 2013. Dated for 2.5 years. It was extremely and insanely intense emotionally and physically. Call me crazy, but it was awesome!. He and his W had been living separately for over a year; he moved out March 2015 and moved in, maybe three weeks ago?

 

 

MM and I have a history of going NC for days and weeks (the longest being 3 weeks) and all off this is initiated by him when he is angry, frustrated, jealous, etc etc. I'm guessing this was his way of "punishing" me and gaining control and manipulation. I got so used to this that it doesn't even bother me anymore. He is very predictable and always comes back via texts ,emails, and phone calls. I NEVER contact when he disappears and goes NC.

 

Last time I saw MM was two months ago. We spent the weekend together and had a great time. That was also the last time we got intimate. Shortly after that he went into his usual behavior of lashing out at me then initiated NC. I forgot how many days of weeks passed but he eventually reappeared (of course!) via text and we exchanged small talks and the tone seemed rather dry and useless.

 

Then the month of April rolls along. We were still in the NC/LC phase (again, I never contact; it's always him reaching out to me) I just had a gut wrenching feeling that something was going to happen between us and him and his W. His last texts to me occurred on 4/7 and 4/8. They were very brief and dry. And that's where it ENDED ...his wedding anniversary with W is 4/10. I didn't hear from him for THREE weeks and I was going crazy thinking what's going on. My gut instinct told me his silence towards me is his way of telling me that he is trying to work things out with the W and move in back to their condo. I had to find out! So what I did was I set up a faux FB account and added the W. To my surprise she accepted me. It took two days for that to occur and when I logged in to check to see if she had accepted, the first thing that popped out right into my face were pictures of xMM, W, and xMM's grandkids. She looked extremely happy in the pictures but he looked worn out and unhappy. My heart sank and I didn't know what to think and feel. Obviously I can't do anything about this. He made up his mind and acted upon it. I don't have a problem with him doing this but I wish he would have told me but he didn't. He did it silently behind my back hoping that I don't find out. I think his plan was to make it that way so that he could still continue to talk to me on the side and if things don't work out between him and his W, he has me to run to. NO WAY!

Edited May 5, 2016 by bewell

[SomethingToSay]

Sounds super fun. Congrats?

[ConfusedCloud]

You were on the side the whole time. Your first red flag should have been your age difference. Your second red flag should have been the fact that he's married. Your third red flag should have been all the excuses he made about their supposed separation. Your fourth red flag should have been the fact that he disappears with his wife for weeks or days at a time - because he's married, after all. Your fifth red flag should have been the fact that you both go NC so many times.

 

 

All in all, I hope you take this as a lesson learned. It is pointless to get involved with married men. You will always, without fail, come up as second best and be left behind. Because that's all you are to them. The minute you start dating a married man, regardless of marital problems they may be having, you sign up to be a back burner chick.

[Minnie09]

Your whole R sounds unhealthy (him lashing out, going NC and punishing you).

It probably wore him out and made him understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Regardless of why he had those episodes of dissatisfaction - they gave him a good excuse to not follow through with D. D is hard and some people are too scared to actually do it. He might have been thankful that his A wasn't perfect (in his eyes), and/or he might have "created" those scenarios, as they gave him a good reason to not disrupt his life. If two people have arguments and they're truly in love and committed, even if one is married (or both), then they work through it and make their shared future a priority - no matter how hard it may be and how long it may take. He took the easy way out; it wasn't worth the effort.

[bewell]

Your whole R sounds unhealthy (him lashing out, going NC and punishing you).

It probably wore him out and made him understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Regardless of why he had those episodes of dissatisfaction - they gave him a good excuse to not follow through with D. D is hard and some people are too scared to actually do it. He might have been thankful that his A wasn't perfect (in his eyes), and/or he might have "created" those scenarios, as they gave him a good reason to not disrupt his life. If two people have arguments and they're truly in love and committed, even if one is married (or both), then they work through it and make their shared future a priority - no matter how hard it may be and how long it may take. He took the easy way out; it wasn't worth the effort.

 

He has a history of taking the easy route. He is a grown man (57) and inexperienced in relationships (apparently it does happen!). He did the same to his first wife -- took the easy route and left her high and dry with a one year old (now 28). I wish I could flat out give the entire story here but I know he (and possibly along with his grown daughter) is searching for me online so I have to grit my teeth and say as least as possible.

[Girlfromcali]

I don't think it would make any difference whether you tell every detail or not.

 

We already know how he is based on your first post.

[bewell]

I don't think it would make any difference whether you tell every detail or not.

 

We already know how he is based on your first post.

 

You could be right. Just exercising caution that's all. He can be very evil with retribution and I'm looking out for me.

[Bufo]

Keep your eyes open and your mouth closed. Just don't be too anxious to reply if and when he contacts you. Do not tell him about FB. That is your secret back channel.

 

No acts of retribution. Old lovers never die, they just fade away.

[bewell]

Keep your eyes open and your mouth closed. Just don't be too anxious to reply if and when he contacts you. Do not tell him about FB. That is your secret back channel.

 

No acts of retribution. Old lovers never die, they just fade away.

 

I am 100 percent confident in that he will NEVER contact me again. I just know for a fact. If he proves me wrong and does reach out (which is slim to none), then I'll believe it when it happens. I just think this time we are completely DONE and OVER.

 

He doesn't know anything anymore. We've not spoken in a month. He, along with his daughter, and W are blocked on my original FB account which I deactivated. For all I know he's telling people to search me (he has done this trick before) and see what profile photo I have up; if there's a couple picture of me and a new guy orbiting somewhere. He's the super jealous type.

 

I will remain on the white horse and do what my xMM is incapable of doing: let my actions do the speaking and disppear.

Edited May 6, 2016 by bewell

[BuddyX]

So not sure what your asking?

NC means no contact. If he initiated and you responded, then you broke NC. Deep down inside, I think you're hoping he responds. You're in a lot of pain right now. That's normal. What's also normal is how predictible his behavior is. If you were on this site 6 months ago, you would've seen this train wreck coming.

 

Focus on you. Second, if you start dating another man, try to stay within a 10 year range.

[ShatteredLady]

I know that matters of the heart can be torture. I'm sorry for your pain but this is an opportunity to start living an authentic life for YOU! I think as time passes you will start to realize how controlled & manipulated you have been by this coward of a man.

 

What you hint at, with his first W & daughter means that he either has zero empathy, compassion OR he simply doesn't care how much devastation he leaves in his wake. What a selfish jerk!!

 

 

This statement alone...."He can be very evil with retribution" makes me REALLY worried for you!

 

PLEASE block him on everything. Stop this man from crawling into your life! You're 37. You should be living your life for YOU! Do you have children? Do you want marriage & a family? Would you like to find a true partner to share your life with?

 

As long as he's in your head & heart you're missing out on opportunities to meet good, kind, loyal, empathic men who could bring your true happiness & love. Find a hobby. Spend time with friends & family. HAVE FUN!!!

 

Best wishes. You deserve so much better than this.

[Ana-Iva]

He has a history of taking the easy route. He is a grown man (57) and inexperienced in relationships (apparently it does happen!). He did the same to his first wife -- took the easy route and left her high and dry with a one year old (now 28). I wish I could flat out give the entire story here but I know he (and possibly along with his grown daughter) is searching for me online so I have to grit my teeth and say as least as possible.

 

What caught my attention is that you are afraid to tell anything here at all, even completely anonymously because you think he will find you online... and that he is searching for you with his daughter! What on earth...?? It is not going to happen that he finds you this way, as he does not

even know that you are posting and there are millions of internet pages with this content.

I see you knew his wife and daughter... you said you blocked them on FB.

What is going on here?

[bewell]

So not sure what your asking?

NC means no contact. If he initiated and you responded, then you broke NC. Deep down inside, I think you're hoping he responds. You're in a lot of pain right now. That's normal. What's also normal is how predictible his behavior is. If you were on this site 6 months ago, you would've seen this train wreck coming.

 

Focus on you. Second, if you start dating another man, try to stay within a 10 year range.

 

 

We have been in NC for a month. There hasn't been any form of communication between us and I hope it stays this way for good. I like it. Drama free!

[ShatteredLady]

What will you do if he contacts you tomorrow? I get that you're convinced it not going to happen but humor me

[bewell]

What caught my attention is that you are afraid to tell anything here at all, even completely anonymously because you think he will find you online... and that he is searching for you with his daughter! What on earth...?? It is not going to happen that he finds you this way, as he does not

even know that you are posting and there are millions of internet pages with this content.

I see you knew his wife and daughter... you said you blocked them on FB.

What is going on here?

 

Oh trust me. They can find me. I can't even go on pinterest, instagram, and FB without them doing detective work and finding out my name/profile/account. It's a 50/50 chance they'll find me here. I am not sure how they can do this but they're able to.

 

I do NOT know his W personally obviously. I know OF her. I met his daughter several times and we were actually friends at one point until xMM came between us and told his daughter to cut ties with me. She followed through and we've not had any contact in seven months nor am I interested in rekindling the friendship.

[bewell]

What will you do if he contacts you tomorrow? I get that you're convinced it not going to happen but humor me

 

I simply will not RESPOND! I know that's laughable considering how many of us here get tempted and crack. I am keeping my willpower intact.

 

Trust me, he won't contact. He's back at home with the W. He's focused on that life now.

[anika99]

He has a history of taking the easy route. He is a grown man (57) and inexperienced in relationships (apparently it does happen!). He did the same to his first wife -- took the easy route and left her high and dry with a one year old (now 28). I wish I could flat out give the entire story here but I know he (and possibly along with his grown daughter) is searching for me online so I have to grit my teeth and say as least as possible.

 

If he's 57, has been married multiple times and had mistress(es) then he is NOT inexperienced with relationships. On the contrary he sounds very experienced in using and manipulating people to his advantage. Stop making lame excuses for him and stop trying to read meaning into his photo (he looked unhappy). Who cares if he looks happy or not? He's a grown up and can make his own decisions. He's probably been messing with you and his wife the entire time. Why are you accepting this situation?

[bathtub-row]

Maybe you think his extreme jealousy is cute and a sign that he really loves you -- but that's not the case. He sounds very messed up and abusive if you ask me.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he'll contact you again. You need to be prepared for that and decide in advance what you'll do. This guy does not need to be in your life. I hope you recognize that.

[bewell]

I know that matters of the heart can be torture. I'm sorry for your pain but this is an opportunity to start living an authentic life for YOU! I think as time passes you will start to realize how controlled & manipulated you have been by this coward of a man.

 

What you hint at, with his first W & daughter means that he either has zero empathy, compassion OR he simply doesn't care how much devastation he leaves in his wake. What a selfish jerk!!

 

 

This statement alone...."He can be very evil with retribution" makes me REALLY worried for you!

 

PLEASE block him on everything. Stop this man from crawling into your life! You're 37. You should be living your life for YOU! Do you have children? Do you want marriage & a family? Would you like to find a true partner to share your life with?

 

As long as he's in your head & heart you're missing out on opportunities to meet good, kind, loyal, empathic men who could bring your true happiness & love. Find a hobby. Spend time with friends & family. HAVE FUN!!!

 

Best wishes. You deserve so much better than this.

 

He is definitely incapable of empathy and among other things. He is blocked on everything BUT here's the thing...he will come up with a fake number on a texting app or something to send me a text. I unfortunately can't block those numbers because each time it's a new one. I can't keep up. I wish I could change my number but that will cost me a lot of time and money as I run an LLC.

 

I am living my life -- doing my own thing, getting engrossed in my passions and hobbies, spending time with family, and friends. I never stopped doing any of these even when I was seeing him. In fact he resented that I had a life cause he didn't. He was always all about work and was never interested in enjoying life. Of course I would like a loving and fulfilling r/s with a man. The time hasn't come yet and I'll be very happy when it happens.

[bewell]

Maybe you think his extreme jealousy is cute and a sign that he really loves you -- but that's not the case. He sounds very messed up and abusive if you ask me.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he'll contact you again. You need to be prepared for that and decide in advance what you'll do. This guy does not need to be in your life. I hope you recognize that.

 

I do not think his jealousy is cute at all. Never thought that. And why would I think it's a sign that he loves me? that's immature. I stand my ground that he won't contact and I believe I am prepared. He won't come knocking at my door that's for sure. I'll let you know if you're right and post an update if it happens...(praying it doesn't)

[bathtub-row]

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across in such a way as to make you feel defensive. Bad choice of words on my part. I'm glad to hear that you're not impressed with his behavior. He really does sound like bad news.

 

Well so many times people say I'll never hear from him again and then - poof! - look who comes back. I've thought this myself in past situations. I'm just saying be prepared. One thing I did was rename my ex on my phone to "jerk". A few months later, I had forgotten I had done that until he called. The name Jerk popped up and I stared at it for a moment before I remembered. Then I cracked up. It was a good reminder for me as I tend to forget and forgive pretty quickly. Sometimes to my own detriment.

 

Keep us posted.

[bewell]

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across in such a way as to make you feel defensive. Bad choice of words on my part. I'm glad to hear that you're not impressed with his behavior. He really does sound like bad news.

 

Well so many times people say I'll never hear from him again and then - poof! - look who comes back. I've thought this myself in past situations. I'm just saying be prepared. One thing I did was rename my ex on my phone to "jerk". A few months later, I had forgotten I had done that until he called. The name Jerk popped up and I stared at it for a moment before I remembered. Then I cracked up. It was a good reminder for me as I tend to forget and forgive pretty quickly. Sometimes to my own detriment.

 

Keep us posted.

 

 

You're fine I did not misinterpret your post because of your chosen words. I was simply just alluding to the fact that he's the extreme jealous type and I've seen him act on it a million times over the course of the relationship.

 

It is true for the most part that ex's do come back and reach out. It's not always the case though but a large number of them do at some point. xMM is awful at NC and always breaks it. However I am confident he won't reappear this time around. I fear for that day: when I am enjoying live and living to the fullest and out of the blue he comes sniffing!

 

His contact info is deleted and blocked on my phone. The only way he can contact me is through one of his slimy tricks by coming up with a fake number on a texting app. Let's hope he's exhausted and doesn't resort to this.

[whichwayisup]

You could be right. Just exercising caution that's all. He can be very evil with retribution and I'm looking out for me.

 

and all off this is initiated by him when he is angry, frustrated, jealous, etc etc. I'm guessing this was his way of "punishing" me and gaining control and manipulation. I got so used to this that it doesn't even bother me anymore. He is very predictable and always comes back via texts ,emails, and phone calls. I NEVER contact when he disappears and goes NC.

 

What is it that you exactly 'love' about him? He doesn't seem to be a great nice guy, he's jealous, manipulative, a liar, a cheater and gives the silent treatment when things don't go his way. He plays a game and loves being in control.

 

Sounded like a very unhealthy dynamic and you two (are) were toxic together. Honestly, you're better off cutting him loose once and for all, block him, grieve him, forget him and move on. You want a man, not a MM who has no real respect for you or women in general, with tons of baggage and treats you poorly. That's NOT love, it's lust and damaging. I bet you're not the same person you once were before the A.

[loveisanaction]

What is it with married men being jealous of the other woman and how she lives her life?

 

They goes home to their wife every night, do things married people do but expect the ow to sit at home all alone, waiting for them until they are ready to see her again.

 

Entitlement galore....pfffff

[bewell]

What is it that you exactly 'love' about him? He doesn't seem to be a great nice guy, he's jealous, manipulative, a liar, a cheater and gives the silent treatment when things don't go his way. He plays a game and loves being in control.

 

Sounded like a very unhealthy dynamic and you two (are) were toxic together. Honestly, you're better off cutting him loose once and for all, block him, grieve him, forget him and move on. You want a man, not a MM who has no real respect for you or women in general, with tons of baggage and treats you poorly. That's NOT love, it's lust and damaging. I bet you're not the same person you once were before the A.

 

Good question! In the very beginning he was EVERYTHING. You already know how it is. Classic textbook MM. When the honeymoon halo wore off, we still felt the same towards each other just now there's the reality of being in a "relationship" if that even makes any sense at all. We both feel like drug addicts quite honestly. I don't know what it is but it's hard to explain. I often tell myself "WHAT in the F!@#$?!?"