She says that she has been unhappy with our marriage because I smoke marijuana

[MyGodINeverImagined]

It has been one month as of yesterday since I found out.

 

In early May my wife told me she was having anxiety attacks and that she wanted to see a couselor about it. I asked her "is it about work?" "No" she says. Is it about this, is it about that, I continue. No she says. Is it about us? "I don't know" she says. Aha, I think. I'm onto something. Over the next few days, I gently prod until I finally get it out of her. She is unhappy. We talk, we each offer to move out. She tells me what she is unhappy with (more of that later), I agree to change it, and we agree to go to a counselor.

 

She says that she has been unhappy with our marriage because I, shamefully, have been smoking marijuana. Doing so, I am lazy, and we haven't been sharing activities together. For this I am sorry, and truthfully, was not happy with myself. I do not want to look back upon my life at the end of my days and just see myself sitting on a couch through a haze of marijuana smoke, so, regardless of what happens with our marriage, this is done.

 

We had seen a marriage counselor several months previous and this subject never came up. I had thought we were there to work on the way we disagreed about things. I tend to storm at people when I am upset, hammering them with comment after comment, making them feel small. I hate this about myself. She tends to shut down and not respond to anything.

 

However, I am affectionate, but our sex life stank, in both quality and quantity. I am loyal, yet I believe I left her feeling lonely, unwanted, unfulfilled. I feel horrible. I feel guilty about what follows, as though I am responsible, and I could of stopped it.

 

 

After this discussion I asked her if there was someone else, she said no. I asked and pointed out that maybe there was just someone else she was flirting with, but perhaps she hadn't consumated anything. Again, she said no. I was suspicious.

 

Every year she plans a trip w/ her college friends (all female). This year they are going to Cabo. I got into her email and discovered that she had invited a man. He said no, as it was too expensive. She asked him to reconsider, offering to let him stay in the room with them. (Our time share!!). She asked her friends if it was o.k., promising to "respect them and not carry on while they are in the room." I saw other emails between them, chat transcripts, etc.... The terms of endearments they used for each other haunt me. She says they have not had sex. I don't know whether to believe this or not, it is plausible, as he lives in another state and they only saw each other as they worked on a project in yet a third state.

 

What followed was pure torture. She said she would not talk to him unless absolutely necessary for business. She said she would delete him and block him from her chat client. I soon discovered they were making stupid excuses to talk to one another, and suspicious, I checked her client and noticed that she added him back on. I was devastated. I called her, at her project location, and she flew home. She arrived drunk. She said she needed "space" to figure out what she wanted. I told her she could have all the space she wanted, but what she didn't have was time. A couple days later I pushed her for an answer. Do you want to work on our marriage or not? No, she answered. I ranted. She changed her mind and so we work on it.

 

She says she is still tempted to speak w/ him. She says she feels/felt a strong connection. She says he is not going to Cabo w/ her anymore.

 

I need to speak out the pain that I feel. Everytime I do, she withdraws, feeling as though I am beating her up. She is not who I want to beat up. I can't concentrate at work, I can't think about anything else. I want the pain to end. The only way I can think of to end this hurt, is to hate her, to give up on the hope that we will work through this. I still look around her mail, hoping to find evidence of continued contact, that perhaps they slept together, so I can walk away, so I can give up. So I'll know.

 

I feel guilty, I feel responsible for this. I feel angry, enraged. I am hurt. I fear the future and fear a breakdown.

 

Dazed, your post has touched me deeply. Please give me your thoughts. Please tell me it has gotten better. Please somebody tell me the darkness will lift.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch. And ouch again that you've taken alot of responsibility for your wife's affair. It was HER choice to cheat, not yours. She took the easy way out. She should have stuck through marriage councilling.

 

If you love her and want her, then INSIST on no contact. Go back to MC together and work on things. Change your ways of dealing with eachother, to make the marriage better than before. You know what your faults are (very open and honest of you to share those, I commend you for that, it's not easy to do.) and know what to do with the help of councilling to learn how to change some behaviours, dynamics between you two. She has to admit her faults in this as well, be an open book to you. BUT she must end it completely with this OM. (Read Thumbingmyways thread too. Shed some more light for your situation.)

 

Call this OM's wife if you have to. Do you know if he is married? Put their affair out in the open, they can't hide and run around anymore.

 

I hope you consider one on one therapy for yourself, that way you have somebody who can help you cope.

[westernxer]

Uh-oh... not the "he's just a friend" excuse. Heard this one before.

 

Cabo's not exactly tame... am wondering why they choose places where people are looking to hook up. Kind of strange, if you ask me.

 

Have you always smoked pot? If so, she's bluffing.

[jmargel]

Smoking pot isn't the main reason why she was trying to hook up with this guy. First off your communication level between each other basically sucks-ass.

 

I tend to storm at people when I am upset, hammering them with comment after comment, making them feel small. I hate this about myself. She tends to shut down and not respond to anything.

 

I'm surprised you two haven't divorced already. You are acting like her father when you act this way. The biggest part of communication is not talking but listening. Give her a chance to speak. When she does talk don't interrupt. When she makes a statement if you feel disappointed, tell her 'You understand' instead of making comments on why she shouldn't feel that way. Make her points feel validated. You'll get a much better reaction out of her. When discussing this, chose your words wisely.

 

Pressing her on the marriage like that is going to make her say no. She's saying yes now partially out of fear of you. She had to keep all these things secret from you because she is afraid. She is looking for something in another guy because she can no longer find it in you. Yes it is wrong for her to do this but by stopping only this affair and not dealing with the true issues it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

 

It is determental that you two attend marriage counseling. Make an appointment this week and a licensed one. You are like me, in terms of talking about how I am feeling. Often I will turn into lecture mode without even knowing it. All my wife then hears is 'Blah blah blah blah'. Your wife is not going to understand anything you say because she is defensive. Let her come to you. When you do talk about the issue tell her that you will only talk about it for 15 minutes and then let it drop the rest of the day, but that if she wants to talk you'll be here to listen. After that 15 minutes, stop! Doesn't matter where you are at in the conversation. If she wants to continue it, let it be her choice. If the conversation gets too heated in those 15 minutes, just tell her that you are getting upset and you'll talk about it tomorrow.

 

When you talk to her tell her that you are going to counseling for yourself that you don't want her married to someone she has to feel defensive about. That you are disappointed and upset that she has done this to you but that the communication between you two has not been good. That you want things to change. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. Actions speak louder than words. Let her know she is not justified for what she has done but you know why it has happened.

 

For Cabo I think you two should spend that time together, but above all else please seek out a marriage counselor.