Will this hatred from the ex wife ever stop? No I DIDNT HAVE AN AFFAIR!

[rpin101]

3 years ago I accepted an invitation to go on a date with a guy Id known from work for 12 years! Little did I know what was in store!

 

I was surprised his marriage was over, as he'd seemed the solid type but turned out him AND his wife had been unhappy for years, tried relate and then she said she was in love with another man and at that point my partner said he wasn't being miserable any longer even for the sake of his daughters and they agreed to split up early December and in the New Year broke the news to their devastated children. His wife took her time moving out as she wanted somewhere with a nice kitchen!!! LOL! And about a month after she had moved out - he asked me out! And after giving it some though I said yes!! He told his ex wife that he had started dating someone as he felt it was right and she initially said she was happy for him and having an idea of whom I was from work functions etc even said 'she's really nice'! A matter of days later my partner started getting abusive messages generally about him not hanging about and how dare he etc! A few weeks after we had started dating I went to stay at his home for the weekend for the first time. After a lovely day out we got back to see World War 3 had broke out! The whole kitchen and living room was a glass and crockery/pan smashed mess. She had smashed up my sunglasses and ripped up a load of photos Id taken of my Mum who had passed away. She had even bent a small cast iron frying pan in half!! HOW??! Upstairs was even worse - my entire suitcase was in the bath along with all of my boyfriends clothes out of his drawers and wardrobe and they were covered with bleach, talcum powder and anything else! She had taken all my make up brushes and pencils and broke each one in half and even drew in a bra with an eye pencil! FREAK! The bed was covered in glass, rude things written in the mirror about me and all this took place whilst her children were sat in the car outside the front door! They said they could hear her screaming and things smashing the poor darlings! Basically she had come into the house she had moved out of as she still had a key to apparently get something! Discovered I was obviously staying and went absolutely mental! Her reasons were because it was disrespectful to the children (the children who were with their Mum that weekend) and how dare I stay so soon??! But it was OK for her to pursue some bloke she was in love with (whom by the way didn’t want her) whilst she was ACTUALLY MARRIED!! Always one rule for her and another one for my partner/us!

 

After she smashed up the house - she went to my partners parents in a rage crashing into a wall in her temper upsetting her terrified girls even more and then went to tell his parents what he had done whilst swearing and pulling his 68 year old Mum across her own sitting room! After she had done all this and her children were distraught to which she claims they were not upset in the least she went to serve tea and coffee at a dance show like nothing had happened! We had no option but to call the police and despite them insisting that we did - we chose for the girls sakes not to press charges as long as she promised to get help for her very apparent anger issues! The police man told my partner that he was certain that if he had walked in whilst she was in her temper she'd have tried to stab him as there were kitchen knives all over the floor! Anyway 3 years later she hasnt got help, is just as vile and has the audacity to say we deserved her smashing up the house despite telling the police she was really sorry! Since then a number of things have gone on - tried to run my partner over and he can no longer run or play sports as a result, slated me to the moon and back, my character and my obvious lack of suitability because I wasnt already married when he met me so clearly no one wants me, told lies to her friends and locals about us having an affair!! She stormed into the house to start on me in the early days which my partner had to intervene on and she took a punch at him swearing whilst her screaming crying kids looked on! Again she denies that they were traumatised by this! About 6 months later she even texted my partner to say if it wasn’t for that stupid cow you are going out with I was thinking of taking you back!??! WHAT! Deluded! My partner tries not to get sucked into her text messages but he did reply to that one saying Id not want you back if you were the last woman on earth! She went internet dating despite it really upsetting her children as they were scared for her – but she told them IM SO LONELY – then they were upset for months thinking about her being lonely! What sort of parent tells their 8 and 11 year old that they are lonely? OR am I being a bit dim here? She even had a boyfriend both the kids hated and at no point did she stop seeing him! Fortunately he dumped her – on valentines day! There is some justice! She was devastated – but told the girls she’d decided to just be friends with him because they didn’t like him!! WHAT??? MORE LIES!! I honestly think she believes them herself!

 

They have equal custody of their 2 lovely girls and that was abused and still is to this day by telling him what a terrible parent he is. For 2 years he did all the picking up and dropping off ON TIME so that she didnt come anywhere near his new home! But recently we have agreed she can take our turn as we have a new home with a drive and she has to park at the end and NOT COME ANWHERE NEAR – and she is late EVERY time – telling the kids I drop you off late because your Dad always did!! WHAT???!??! ONCE in 2 years and that was because of a car accident! She never remembers to phone them and if she did it would always be after their bedtime – so theyd end up going to bed really late! So we tell them to ring her now! But she never tells them to ring us! Not necessary though as we never forget! And unlike her don’t complain about having to pay for the calls to the kids!! She is a shopaholic so every weekend she has them she drags them around the shops and if they complain she says ‘don’t be so selfish I deserve to have chance to shop for me for once! She goes shopping EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY!!! They hate going – but its all she wants to do! In 3 years Ive only known her take them to a show at Blackpool (which she actually wanted to see) and she did take them to scarborough on holiday for 4 days but she only booked that trip as her boyfriend at the time lived there and she was hoping to see him! But he dumped her just before it! LOL!

 

Our relationship has moved on as despite the hell she puts us through we are both very very happy and I love those girls like they are my own! And I know that they love me! But she still hates me and even the girls say they cant understand why!? They have admitted they are terrified of her and dont like going because she is always shouting, but its their Mum they love her obviously! But they are too scared to even try talk sense into her (not that we have asked them to fight our battles) but because they can see how vile she is to us! They said the few times they have she screams and shouts saying 'YOU DONT KNOW WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO ME!! But thats just it - Ive done nothing! Im too scared to answer the phone in my own home cos just the thought of it being her makes me shake - or go into the village I live in in case I see her! She has a new partner now who seems from what the kids say really nice but she is still vile – surely she should have moved on – it was her WHO WANTED THE MARRIAGE TO BE OVER! So 3 years on, OK she hasnt been and smashed up the house because she doenst have a key and isnt allowed anywhere near our driveway but Im so disturbed by it all it hurts me each and every day and who's to say she'd not do it again if she had the chance! I just hoped she would realise in time how horrible she had been and realise how much her kids love me and know how much her behaviour is upsetting them too as well as me and my partner! Surely happy kids means a happy MUM? But nope! Still spouting abuse! She is innocent of any blame! Always was when she was married apparently, the kids say when they row its always them who have to apologise because to her deluded mind she hasn’t done anything. She denies she is the reason they split up (loving another man aint great for a marriage really) she doesnt see the gravity of smashing the house up saying YOU DESERVE IT, hasnt got the help she promised and wont sort out the divorce because despite 50/50 custody and my partner letting her have all the benefits so she is technically better off than him – she wants more money! And gets her solicitor to write ridiculous letters about him having countless PPI claims – he’s had none! Oh and a job he had been in for 20 years that he lost due to the stress of her are apparently paying him 2 years salary after he left!! Honestly you couldn’t make it up!! He was actually out of work for 6 months – and despite the fact her pays for school holidays and trips and ballet / tap and music lessons, school dinners, tennis clubs and she pays for nothing except macdonalds when they go shopping – she still expects money! So the divorce is just costing a bomb as letters go back and forth!

 

I realise Im not dealing with a rational human being here – but she tells everyone what a lovely person she is! Why does anyone need to tell someone that??! But its breaking my heart that someone who treated me like this – (and Ive not mentioned dozens of other vile things she has done to us/me) still thinks she is in the right! She isn’t terrified of me – cos Ive behaved like a civilised human being! No one smashed up her house when her new partner first stayed. Surely she should be grovelling to me apologising for what she has done – but no! I just thank god she hasn’t managed to poison the girls against me! Tell me one bad thing she has done to you they asked once – and what was her reply? Silence! Im at the end of my tether with it now – because even if my partner could talk some sense into her and explain how ill its not only making us but her OWN daughters too – but I DO NOT want her to know how much she has upset me because SHE WOULD LOVE IT!! Will it ever stop?? What do you think!

 

By the way - this woman is currently studying to be a mental health nurse (something she has asked my partner to fund incidentally!!) Ironic when her own GP told my partner after realising that she had Munchausen by proxy syndrome in addition to all the other things she had done to us which the doctor knows about that she ought to be sectioned!!

 

Im honestly at the end of my tether with it! Some nights I have to just escape and I go and stay in a hotel!! Its so frustrating because we are all helpless to do anything to fix it and the injustice of it all absoultely crucifies us!!

Edited May 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs/language ~T

[elaine567]

'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'

 

I guess when they separated she thought it was temporary, a blip, that he would be back and they would all be together again at some point, a big happy family.

BUT in the meantime YOU showed up and in her eyes "stole" him away from her, for good.

He was still a married man when he dated you, so it may be argued in some quarters that it WAS an affair. She sees it that way anyway.

 

It may never stop.

He hurt her badly obviously, and it is a running sore, as you are still there reminding her of the pain all the time.

The children bind you and him to her, so you cannot just shake her off.

 

She wants him back, so is trying to scare you off, and if she cannot have him back, she will make life as difficult for you and him as possible.

It is one of the downsides of getting into the middle of people who have unfinished business with each other.

All I can say is try not to wind her up or rub her nose in it, ignore her and leave it all to him and her, just keep out of it.

If you feel that your "sanity" and sense of well being is at risk then you may need just to walk away, as although it may be good between the two of you, he comes as a package with his ex wife and his kids - not just for now, but for the rest of his life.

You cannot just magic them all away, unfortunately...

[rpin101]

Thank you Elaine! I know you are right!

 

 

In my partners defence regards it being temporary! He made it very clear to his wife that he was only telling the children when she was certain without question that it was over! She was adamant its what she wanted and was the only one not crying when they all sat together with their news! So when she said she was thinking of taking him back he reminded her of that! But just got more abuse!

 

 

I promise I do nothing to antagonise her - and I tell my partner to never respond in texts - just stick to the facts and necessities regarding the kids!! But now and again Im afraid he does buckle under the pressure!

 

 

I saw her just once the other day for the first time since she had come into the house almost 3 years ago to start on me! And you know what - she didn't even recognise me - though I nearly had a heart-attack!! She hates me and didn't even recognise me! Crackers! :-)

 

 

Take care x

[TaraMaiden2]

'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'

 

I guess when they separated she thought it was temporary, a blip, that he would be back and they would all be together again at some point, a big happy family.

BUT in the meantime YOU showed up and in her eyes "stole" him away from her, for good.

He was still a married man when he dated you, so it may be argued in some quarters that it WAS an affair. She sees it that way anyway.

 

It may never stop.

He hurt her badly obviously, and it is a running sore, as you are still there reminding her of the pain all the time.

The children bind you and him to her, so you cannot just shake her off.

 

She wants him back, so is trying to scare you off, and if she cannot have him back, she will make life as difficult for you and him as possible.

It is one of the downsides of getting into the middle of people who have unfinished business with each other.

All I can say is try not to wind her up or rub her nose in it, ignore her and leave it all to him and her, just keep out of it.

If you feel that your "sanity" and sense of well being is at risk then you may need just to walk away, as although it may be good between the two of you, he comes as a package with his ex wife and his kids - not just for now, but for the rest of his life.

You cannot just magic them all away, unfortunately...

 

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Is the full quotation and all the more pertinent and appropriate. (No offence intended, elain567, just reiterating the point... )

 

This is the UK.

It's vital you keep accurate records of what she does and times, dates and descriptions of incidents, without any emotional comments thrown in, and certainly no exclamation marks.

 

If she is intending to train as a Mental Health professional, it's vitally important you report incidents to the police, and take action.

For everything you refuse to do, or are reluctant to act upon, she will simply double her efforts and make the situation worse - because in essence, you are giving her permission and even tacit approval to do so.

 

Unleashing someone of her calibre onto those whose own mental health is in balance, is madness in itself.

 

Do something.

Or else this will run and run.

And the major people to suffer will be her poor children.

If their mother finally gets help it can only be to their advantage.

[preraph]

What do you mean you "chose not to press charges for the children's sake"? Are you nuts? Do you WANT those kids growing up thinking this is normal and acceptable behavior??? What on earth was going through your minds? You need to show the kids this is the consequences of violent behavior. Him and her are the only role models they have, and they will grow up just like them

 

You tell him he either presses charges or you will, and DO it. My guess is HE is the one who didn't want to because he's still soft on her and doesn't want to close any doors. If he doesn't press charges, I'd leave him right now.

[rpin101]

It was my decision and my decision alone to not press charges! Bear in mind I had no idea that we were dealing with someone like this 3 years ago! She hadn't started training to be a nurse at the time either!

 

However pressing charges would have guaranteed she she lost her job and as the girls were 8 and 10 at the time and had been sat in the car their dad protected them from the truth and their mum made out it was nothing!!!!!!!!!!!! So to my mind only the girls would suffer! She feeds them rubbish and doesn't put the heating on now so they sit home in their coats claiming she's broke! Knowing how everyone else is to blame in her life except her she'd never be remorseful or consider those actions resulted in her losing her job!! No!!! It would be us!!! So the amount the girls would suffer if she lost her job would be unthinkable!!

 

I agree she's the worst person in the world to be a nurse! But knowing she's not very bright I'm assured that the chances of her succeeding are slim to none!! I want her to fail under her own abilities! If I was the cause due to pressing charges! Cos boy if she makes our life hell when I've not done anything! If she had a reason it's unimaginable!!

[TaraMaiden2]

You're making poor decisions based on emotional impulses. All the decisions above are because you fear emotional outcomes.

But in essence, by permitting this behaviour to go unchallenged, legally, you are tarnishing the children and teaching them that while such behaviour is unacceptable, it's bearable and permissible.

 

Please do not make decisions based on emotional rationalisation.

 

Frankly, if you will forgive me saying so, all your exclamation marks seem to scream injustice and indignation, but you do nothing to remedy the cause.

[Downtown]

I realise Im not dealing with a rational human being here – Will it ever stop??

RP, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., intense irrational anger, controlling behavior, rages, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution that BPD traits are not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, they are behavioral traits we all have to some degree (albeit at a low level if we are healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your partner's exW exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, hissy fits, irrational jealousy, and temper tantrums. I mention this to you because, if the exW really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, you likely are dealing with an adult whose emotional development is frozen at the level of a 3- or 4-year-old.

 

If so, she is so emotionally immature that -- like a young child -- she cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. This would explain, then, why you've been seeing "black-white thinking." It is evident in the way she categorizes everyone as "all good" (i.e, "with me") or "all bad" ("against me) -- and how she is able to recategorize someone, in just ten seconds based on only a minor comment, from one polar extreme to the other.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose the exW's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and breast cancer, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- especially with regard to the two young daughters that are still being co-parented by that exW. Take care, RP.

[sandylee1]

What a lunatic she is.

 

The 11 year old should have a mobile phone. That can stop calls to the mother's house.

 

How about your partner collects the kids to avoid her lateness. The 11 year old is certainly old enough to be ready on time and get her sister down the stairs to dad's car.

 

You shouldn't let her have your telephone number. She doesn't need it.

 

Personally.. with what she's done I wouldn't let her even know where you both lived. She's dangerous.

 

If she really is going to study mental health nursing.. I'd find a way to inform the relevant people that she's far too unsuitable. God knows what harm she could do to patients. Mental health nursing is one of the few courses that attracts funding in the UK as well .... so she she can do it without your BFs help. What a liability she is.

 

In a few years time ... when the girls are older ... your partner needs to tell them the truth about what she's done.

 

Has your partner considered seeing a lawyer about parental alienation?

 

He may also wish to get the girls into counselling... or just let them know things are not as their mum tells them.. but he'll explain when they are older.

 

What a nightmare. Honestly though... I would not have her knowing where I lived. You'd be fully justified to take that decision.

[cocorico]

It was my decision and my decision alone to not press charges! Bear in mind I had no idea that we were dealing with someone like this 3 years ago! She hadn't started training to be a nurse at the time either!

 

However pressing charges would have guaranteed she she lost her job and as the girls were 8 and 10 at the time and had been sat in the car their dad protected them from the truth and their mum made out it was nothing!!!!!!!!!!!! So to my mind only the girls would suffer! She feeds them rubbish and doesn't put the heating on now so they sit home in their coats claiming she's broke! Knowing how everyone else is to blame in her life except her she'd never be remorseful or consider those actions resulted in her losing her job!! No!!! It would be us!!! So the amount the girls would suffer if she lost her job would be unthinkable!!

 

I agree she's the worst person in the world to be a nurse! But knowing she's not very bright I'm assured that the chances of her succeeding are slim to none!! I want her to fail under her own abilities! If I was the cause due to pressing charges! Cos boy if she makes our life hell when I've not done anything! If she had a reason it's unimaginable!!

 

We chose not to press charges against my H's xW too, for the sake of the kids. Which has meant that, over the years, she has kept up her stalking, her petty theft and vandalism. She's been seen numerous times by neighbours, the post person, etc who would all be willing to testify. We keep hoping it (or she) will go away, and for increasingly long stretches the behaviour does moderate... But, somehow, just when we breathe a sigh of relief and assume she's moved on, she resurfaces. She's moved further away, now, and has a new partner, so we're hoping beyond hope... But we can never be sure. That's just how some people are, and your H's X sounds (sadly) the same.

 

H's kids are grown now, living on their own and they almost never see her, and recognise her for what she is. That said, we're all still hoping she'll seek (and get) help without needing to be locked up first. It's a tough burden for the kids to bear, but they've had counselling over the years to help them accept that's who she is and it's not their responsibility or their fault. Your stepkids will likely need the same.