Tired of Being a Freak

[PilkeyL]

Apologize if anything I write comes out wrong. Will try to use bullets.

 

1. started dating guy my age (mid-30s).

2. told him i knew we both had a lot of baggage (ex wife cheated on him), my exes cheated, abused, etc. asked only that we work through any problems that would arise. he agreed.

3. 6 weeks in, have big fight. i apologize. he refuses to forgive me. i keep trying to apologize and he sort of forgives (sleeps w/me once more but won't kiss me). but refuses to travel w/me (he had bought tickets for us) or attend big dance with me.

4. i hound the poor man w/pleas (via email, phone, person, etc).

5. finally, decide that if i love him, i have to give him a break. so, tell him i will leave him in peace for 30 days. no calls, emails, nothing; ask in return that he continue not to see anyone else and that at the end of the 30 days we go away for a day and re-evaluate relationship. also ask him to contact me from time to time during that period. he agrees.

 

He doesn't believe i can leave him in peace for 30 days, but i do. go on retreat. meditate. get balance. return, we speak and make plans to try to be friends and build a stronger foundation. i stop by his house a few days later. he's on a date. turns out he had taken a lover a few weeks before (in fact, had been "seeing her" but not physical, for two months).

 

i am devestated. hurt myself physically, in front of him (he knew my background and knew this would kill me).

 

i know this is not his fault. but how do i pick up the pieces again. so tired of being a freak that every man is afraid of.

[tanbark813]

Well you start and end your post by calling yourself a freak. Maybe the problem is your lack of self-worth. We all have baggage. It's good that you want to minimize yours, but try not to let it cloud your vision to the point that you can't also focus on what positive qualities you have.

[PilkeyL]

I agree my self-esteem is low and a I appreciate your reply. I just am struggling. He knew that I had been cheated on in the past and his statement to me was that "we hadn't been together" for awhile and it was my behaviour that pushed him away.

 

It didn't help to see this beautiful young woman with him who thought she should tell me that if I loved myself maybe he would have loved me.

 

And it didn't help to have him tell me he never loved me.

 

Don't get me wrong. I was a handful. But I was always honest with him, always tried my best, and maybe tried too hard. He was unforgiving (and I have to add that the fight wasn't that bad. It was a normal first fight. But he kept telling me that any fighting was unacceptable. No disagreements, raised voices allowed).

 

Now, he's happy in someone else's arms and I spent 30 days in solitude for nothing. I am nothing.

[tanbark813]

Well expecting to have absolutely no fights is absurd. So basically you dated a guy that doesn't have the spine to handle confrontation, and can't live up to his word. And at least it was only a 6 week thing (plus the 30 days since). I'm not saying it wasn't important to you, but at least it wasn't years of your life invested. It sounds like you're better off without him. I also don't see why the whole thing should reflect poorly on you.

 

You're also able to recognize and be accountable for your own flaws. That already puts you a step ahead in the game. IMHO, you should do whatever you need to do to get out your pain and frustration, work on improving yourself in the areas you think you should, and have faith that you'll find someone more suited to you in the future.

 

The upside of being in such a funk is that it leaves that much more room for things to get better.

[PilkeyL]

"I also don't see why the whole thing should reflect poorly on you."

 

Thank you for replying again. I promise not to drag this out (beat a dead horse to death).

 

I know that all you say is true. My friends/family rallied around me and have told me the same thing.

 

What reflects poorly on my is my behaviour. I knew this man couldn't handle being w/me after the fight (which was actually months ago). But I kept trying. He asked me why and I told him that at our age, w/the pain we had both experienced, we had to learn to break the patterns. To stop fleeing when things got hard. To do the work that would lead to a solid foundation.

 

To be frank, I am in so much pain b/c I shared w/this man my past history (not in detail, but enough). He knew that I had spent years in therapy working through a childhood (sexual) abuse episode. That I had worked through "father" issues; and that while I felt healthy, and in fact consider that I have been "healthy" for the past 5-6 years, what I really needed was to know that we would work through any problems that arose (especially since he told me he still hasn't forgiven his ex for cheating on him).

 

B/c he's in the health field (REALLY in the health field) and b/c he told me he could work through stuff, I am just wounded.

 

And what reflects badly on me is that after years of "healthy" behaviour, this set me back to self-abusing. Losing him was bad; losing my mental health sobriety? That makes me the freak.

 

I am angry at myself. I should have walked away long ago, just as he would have liked. Instead, I kept hoping and praying. Maybe I am not a freak, just a fool.

 

Friends say that I am wrong, b/c we weren't married; so he owed me nothing. But if you can't give the best you have w/out a legal contract, heck, what difference will the piece of paper make?

[tanbark813]

I think everyone at one time or another has acted in such a way that, upon reflection, they wish they would have handled things differently. It doesn't make you worthless or a freak. I don't think anyone could really say with any degree of honesty that they've never let their emotions get the better of them.

 

I agree with you in that a person should be willing to give their best prior to getting married, but I think that comes with long term relationships. I think your friends may have a point in that you can't really expect all that much from someone whom you've only been seeing for 6 weeks. While reading the part about the 30 day break in your original post, I expected to read what you wrote after that about him starting to see someone else.

 

And finally, a person would be boring if he/she behaved perfectly all the time. Losing one's cool--as long as it's not done often and not beyond reason--just makes a person more human.

 

Have you been to, or are you currently in, counseling?

[PilkeyL]

Been in counseling. Probably going back.

 

Angry b/c when we started going out, he knew I had just left a year and a half long relationship w/an alcoholic.

 

The six weeker promised he was a "nice southern gentleman" who could work through issues. I told him I was scared, not sure I could "do the relationship" thing...he wanted a long term committed relationship.

 

So, when we had the fight, I realize that if I didn't let go of my baggage I would lose him. But he cut off everything. No sex. No trips. No nothing. Wouldn't except my apology. Told me that I reminded him too much of his ex wife and he was not interested in any fighting.

 

COUPLES HAVE ARGUMENTS. IT'S NORMAL.

 

I essentially spent 2 months after that begging him to forgive me. He told me that there are consequences for bad behaviour and he was punishing me. That I wasn't showing him that I was "grown up". I kept calling, emailing, bringing him dinner. Anything to try to get him to forgive me. Finally, I decided that we needed the 30 days of silence.

 

So. That he agreed to meet after and re-assess, but had in fact being "gone", I am just torn in two.

 

How can someone go off and be happy on the back of someone else's pain.

 

I may not have been the best girlfriend; but it wasn't for lack of trying.

[Isabelle]

You are not a freak. Don't beat yourself up over this. It's just a case of Mr. Wrong.

 

Looks like he was never all that committed to you and didn't have strong feelings for you. That doesn't mean no one can. Just not this one. I know it's hard when you've shared emotional baggage... it's like making an investment. And it hurts when it doesn't work out. Especially when you tried so hard to make it work. Looks like you have a lot more emotionally invested than he did.

 

It doesn't make you a bad girlfriend. It's just not going to work every time with everybody. You can't control what the other guy feels or does. Also, the "punishing" behavior doesn't speak well for him, and his expectations of no fighting are unrealistic. Do you really want to be dealing with someone who punishes you and holds you emotionally hostage? Over and over again? Of course not. Be glad you got out early, relatively speaking. I bet this guy doesn't have an easy time with his new girlfriend either. He's going to have to learn his own lessons and it's just as well you're not around for that.

 

We're all fools for relationships sometimes. Take care of yourself and stay strong. Good things can and will happen.