I'm lost. This breakup is the thing I feared the most. It's happened.

[acd3]

I'm lost. My ex (I still can't bear to think of him as that) won't see me. He broke up with me saying "we don't work" as over the 11momths we had together (living together at his for 2 or 3) we did argue and I would send him a zillion text messages sometimes when we weren't together being insecure about if he really loved me etc. I was a nightmare. I was afraid he would dump me and, guess what! That fear made him dump me.

 

When he ended it we were both crying. We said we wanted each other in our lives and we'd see each other as friends once a week.After he left he changed his mind. Instead of being friends he wanted space. He dropped boxes of my things that were at his house off to me. He cried again and said sorry. I was trying to be strong, thinking if I was strong I could get him back. As he left he said "I'm keeping your key" (he has a key to my home) and that made me think maybe it would be ok.

 

It's not ok. He won't see me. He says he "can't" get back together with me ever, no matter how sad he feels at the moment. He says he wants to be friends somehow, but only when the sadness has gone and he's not emotionally attached. He says we must do all we can to move on, distract ourselves, and eventually the pain will go away and we'll feel better.

Edited May 6, 2016 by acd3

[Trinity_84]

I'm sorry

 

It's a good thing he is being honest with you. And kind. Honestly, that is the best you can hope for. Take space and time (not because he asked) but because you're going to need it. Take what he said at face value (that he is not thinking about getting back together ever) and run with that.

 

During the break-up emotions were running high, and if he was still in love he might've implied at a friendship (by keeping your key, etc) but once he was on his own he realized he couldn't handle that (perhaps not until the feelings subside). Which is completely understandable. I felt the same way when I was breaking up with my now ex. We agreed to leave things open, but a few weeks later we realized there was nothing left to save and we were both better off.

 

Take this time to learn to love yourself. Self-fulfilling prophecies, I know all about those. You fear abandonment, then subconsciously self-sabotage and end up being "abandoned". I would advise seeking therapy for this behavior, or it's just going to keep repeating itself in your future relationships. Truly, learn to love yourself. Self-esteem is very attractive (not just physically) and it will give you better tools to manage in the future.

 

This forum helps. Write here instead of writing to your ex. Don't contact him. Let things cool off and hopefully one day you will be able to be friends.

 

Good luck.

[Rachel39]

I can relate to you not wanting to view it as a break up I guess we hold on to the hope that they will be back I'm 4 lo this in and still do but it's not a strong as it was in the beginning.

 

I admire his honesty and has hard as it is he gave you the respect you deserved and was honest and had so much emotion behind it that it was clearly hurting him .

 

I never had any of that and it's painful enough to split with

Some one you thought yould spend forever with but to think they actually couldn't care or have no feelings towards the break up is a massive blow.

 

You have to be strong and give each other the time and space

To heal this site has been a massive support for me and wouldn't of got to where I am now if it wasn't for them

[stillafool]

He's right you can't be friends until you are over this and you may never really end up being friends. Ask him to give your key back. All you can do at this point is try to be strong and move on.

[acd3]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Yes, he is such a good man.

 

I am grateful for that, but on the other side it just makes it more painful as I see what a good man I lost! I knew he was the one for me but I had issues I didn't sort out. I thought that they would be ok, but they got worse. Due to fear of losing him. He did try bless him, he gave me access to his phone, but I think after talking to people, took it away again.

He's not like other men I've dated. 1) he is my favouritest man ever but 2) he is not very forward with his emotions and is rather passionless (unless he is shouting at me which happened in the end)

 

I have told him I've changed a lot of my bad behaviour - stopped smoking and stopped drinking on my own - and made positive moves - more exercise and seeing friends.

 

He loves PlayStation and I didn't. I liked that he played it rather than go out drinking (he's a bit of a loner) but it wasn't something I could join in with.

Since he ended our relationship I bought myself one so I could practice and get good so it could be something we enjoy together one day. Hopefully ..

 

He loves Star Wars and I used to buy him Star Wars Tshirts. Since we ended I bought myself a couple too. I also bought a small drone as he likes them, so again I could practice and it could be a hobby we both enjoy.

 

I'm really trying. I've got counselling (in fact started it when we were still together) and I had improved a lot since January. But there were hiccups, occasionally I got jealous and cornered him over text. And face to face he had the mindset that I was upset with him and was waiting for the next argument.. Which caused him to argue and shout at me. He got angry but I didn't mind in a way, I realised I'd caused a pent up anger that he was finally releasing and wanted to help him through it. Us through it. So we could reach our perfect potential.

 

But the last time he got angry we were on holiday with his family (mum dad brother sister and their partners and children) and he broke up with me and drove me 4 hrs home. I think he's embarrassed to keep working at us.

 

He has said he's embarrassed for shouting at me (I don't shout I'd just cry and beg in response) and that people know our issues. I am too but I know that getting through it would mean 40years of pure joy, and I think it's worth it.

 

He doesn't want children and I said I'm ok with that as long as I have him. I've only ever felt I'd like His child, so if it's a no it's a no, it's not like I want or have ever wanted anyone else's in 35 years.

 

I wish he would just give me a chance before he starts dating again. I've asked him, begged ashamedly, if we can please meet as friends in a month or two and I will SHOW him rather than tell him how great I really am (modesty alert) without my insecurity "I'm not good enough" "don't leave me" issues. And after a while as friends maybe he'd trust me enough to get back together as we'll be in the relationship we both wanted. Yet only had sometimes due to learning about each other and my issues and the negative actions that arose because of them.

 

I'm trying to do no contact. It's been 8 hours and it's a struggle

 

I need to be able to just make a tiny hole in the fort he's built around him so at least he can see me so I have hope that I can get back in

 

SORRY FOR THE ESSAY :/ thank you for reading

[deadparrot]

First of all, I don't believe there's such a thing as "the one" for anyone. It may not feel like it now (god knows it didn't when I was going through an emotional breakup), but you will move on from this and fall in love again.

 

It sounds like you have issues with insecurity, jealousy, and boundaries in relationships. It's good you're in counseling, but a few months probably isn't enough, especially when you're trying to work on yourself at the same time your relationship is devolving. You need time for those new life skills to develop without having them constantly be tested by drama.

 

Stay NC (this includes deleting him from social media and your phone) and put all that extra energy into working on yourself. Continue to see your counselor, pick up a new hobby, meet up with friends...just keep busy.

 

Your ex has made it clear he's not interested in reconciling, and begging really isn't attractive or effective (again, I know from experience). If you want something good to come out of this heartache, makes it a learning experience of what you have to do to prepare yourself for a healthy relationship down the road.

[acd3]

Whoa deadparrot that's harsh! I agree with much of what you've said though. Thanks for replying.

 

What I can't seem to yet absorb is that he isn't the one I've looked for for 35 years (well, 20 years being the active side of me) Thing is, he is irreplaceable. He's perfect for me physically. 6ft7 (not many of them around) Has such gorgeous mannerisms and quirks and mind. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. I adored him. His eyes being different, the pattern of freckles, I knew all his scars and physical identifications. Things I've never cared to notice with anyone else. But I adored them deeply.

 

I have had counselling before and I know I can do it in two months. I know if I can use this forum to outlet the pain then I can be ready. I even know I'm not ready now but people do stay in relationships because they love the other person and work through issues together! He just stopped. I need the hope that he'll come back. Well, not come back I don't want him to cave in and come back, I want him to see that it will only be great. He said since we broke up that he wished we had met each other before our respective issues had formed. Too bad we didn't, but all I can do is hope and get better myself.

 

I can't even contemplate future relationships. It took me so many men to find him. I had many relationships and hands down he is the best human I have ever met. By that time I was messed up a bit. I didn't understand him in many ways, he is closed off and that made me paranoid, but he always will be closed off. When we were together his parents told me he loves me very much, but even since a kid he's always been closed to the point sometimes with their three kids they'd look at him and think "is he happy?" But over time they knew he was. He's just that kind of personality.

 

I wish I knew that before I let things get out of control with my mind.

 

I'm trying my best now. I don't want it to be too late. I have already blocked him just not on text, I need the hope.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[deadparrot]

The way you talk about it, it's like he's a drug. And he is! Again, I've been there, staring at the phone, just willing it to light up with his name. But you don't kick a drug addiction by keeping an open line of communication with your dealer.

 

And I really do think you have to give yourself more than a couple months of counseling to consider yourself "cured" of those negative behaviors. Again, going back to the addiction metaphor, there's a reason rehab programs recommend former addicts reach at least a year of sobriety before getting into a relationship. You need time to physically and emotionally recover, to learn skills that will help you cope with challenging times in the future, and to learn about yourself--your strength, weaknesses, desires, etc. It's easy to say "I'll be better!" in the moment because you want them back SO BADLY, but even if you do reconcile, you're inevitably going to fall back into those old patterns, because a couple weeks or months isn't enough time to change literally decades of learned behavior.

 

If this guy is "the one," then he'll still be "the one" a year from now when you're in a better headspace and ready to take on a mature, serious relationship.

 

Wishing you the best.

[acd3]

Wow, are you him?!

 

He says the same. That he will say "ok, one more try" and it will be good for two weeks then it will fall back to the same old.

 

Thing is, I know it won't be like that. I. I do. I know I have had similar feelings and I know EVERYTHING I need to do to stop them. This isn't a couple of sessions "I'm cured" this is an I thought I was better but I wasn't and I didn't grab it in time. I'm very self aware and I know what needs to be done I just need to man up and put my back heart and soul into it good and hard for a month or two. I know that!

 

I also have evaluated the relationship. He's not a drug. He's a great human that I should have understood more.

 

Having said that if a year is needed, I'll wait a year. Two years. However long. All I need from him is the confirmation we WILL see each other again face to face. So he can see the improvement.

 

I haven't asked for my key back. I don't think I should. I haven't messaged him again today. I've heard nothing from him. Usually he'll text about a sandwich he's making or say "Night X" before he sleeps. I did pull him up on that saying it was mixed signals and I wasn't sure what I should be doing and he said (rather grumpily) he was only trying to be nice and won't do it again. As if I was telling him off. But I wasn't. I like those messages. I was just confused as to why he refused to see me after we made such plans to grow a friendship to better our chances together which he then removed.

 

He said I should get a hobby.

 

That hurt.

 

I've been doing my best, crying at work sometimes and at night sometimes and in the morning sometimes. But I'm trying. I just need that hope. That chance. If I blow it I can deal with it. But the break up incident was not my fault and out of my control. I hate that.

Edited May 7, 2016 by acd3

[acd3]

Having thought more deadparrot, you're right. I know what I need to do but I won't be able to achieve it if we still have a line of contact.

 

What if he realises though? And texts me? But I don't see it?

 

I know I need to stop hurting and go full steam ahead on self love and self improvement. But if I don't reply to him or he figures he's blocked on the phone.. Is that a risk worth taking when I can just say "No! Don't take the drug! Work on you until you're clean and then it can be better!" ?

 

I don't want to lose him. I have to be available if he needs me. No matter how hard that is and hindering for me...

 

I think... I don't know. I'm confused.

[Trinity_84]

Hey, he said he didn't want to get back together. You seem to be in denial.

 

And if one day he does change his mind and decides he wants you back, he'll find a way to you even if you've blocked him on the phone. Trust me. Work on your self-esteem. Your relationship sounds like the classic Anxious/Avoidant attachment. I know cause those are the only kinds of relationships I have been in (me being the anxious one). These types of attachments rarely end in happily ever after. Pleease, please keep going to therapy and give yourself more love. He is just a human being, a great human being, but there's millions of him out there. And even if there weren't, you still have yourself and you are wonderful too. Love yourself first, and the rest will fall into place.

 

 

Good luck, x

[acd3]

I am in denial. I admit that. It's the only way I can cope.

[acd3]

He did beg me to stay with him before too.. He even said on two occasions he's open to having children with me to make me stay. Even though he told me on our third date he doesn't want them.

 

He backtracked.

 

I'm clutching at straws aren't I. Straws that are burning.

 

It hurts so much to know I messed it up.

 

He says its no ones fault and we'll always be friends, he'll always love me and remember the good times.

 

I don't want to be a memory. I want to be his wife.

 

I'm so screwed.

[acd3]

I broke the no contact.

 

I asked him if I was in denial or if there was somewhere, throughout all this time and love, that can open just a tad, to let me show him improved me. And have us decide from there?

 

The break up itself wasn't my fault. He gave me a last chance and I didn't blow it. I myself didn't blow it.

 

I said that that chance should continue as friends. Friends that see each other in June or July. Did he love me enough/ does he still love me enough to enable that opportunity to see each other as we are at that point before moving on to another?

 

I said That's all I want. No promise of relationship at all. Just the opportunity to see him before anyone else once we are healed.

 

 

I haven't had a reply yet.

 

I'm not sure if I will.

 

But he has said he wants to keep texting, it was me that thought no contact would be good. I had asked him to meet up for a coffee for a goodbye. So I could move on without the hugs tears and kisses (he still kissed me on the lips) and telling me he wasn't giving my key back and we'd be friends, from the last time I saw him. He said no. He was scared of getting back together and couldn't see me. I asked a week later if we could please FaceTime, just so I could look at him, see him with fresh eyes knowing it was over to connect that part in my head. He said no.

 

He finally said he would FaceTime but didn't want to. By then I wasn't strong enough and said that he didn't have to. So, he didn't.

 

Maybe in a few days I'll be strong enough. But he was my love, my confidant, my bestie. And when I read some posts I want to know if that is the truth. I don't know. I really just don't know.

[Miss Clavel]

he sounds like a decent guy. maybe immature, with the PS and the star wars.

 

he broke up with you. he wants to break with you. it's broken. it's over.

 

let him go, please. he's asked you to, he wants you to.

[acd3]

So it's over?

 

Well what do I do right now?

 

Join a different forum that isn't about coping?

 

This isn't helping. I wanted to do everything in my power to make myself better but it's not helping. It's actually making me contact him for the support he gives rather than find it elsewhere. We had so much love. I need a way out.

[acd3]

oknthanks all.

Edited May 7, 2016 by acd3

[stillafool]

Maybe you need to stay off forums and get out of the house and live your life. Don't beg him anymore to see him. He has said it's over and doesn't want to continue going over this again and again. He doesn't want to hurt you anymore but wants you to move on. If you find this break up is too hard to handle maybe seek professional counseling to help you get through this.

[acd3]

Weirdly, this helped in the end He rang last night, still loves me and said sorry for putting me through it the past three weeks. Just needed some time to sort his head out so he wouldn't shout at me anymore.

Spent the day riding our bikes in the country. Awesome. I guess we all go through it at some point but real love does prevail. Here's hope for everyone! X

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two. It stinks when your fear of losing someone is what causes a break up. It's hard remaining friends right after a break up because all the emotions are still there. I'm sure you still love him, and I think it's great he's being honest with you about how he feels. He said he needs space so maybe this is the right time to respect that and give your heart some time to heal from the breakup. Hope things look up for you soon!