Newlywed and Unhappy

[mariavidov]

My H and I have been married not even 2 months. We had some problems starting out which we worked hard to resolve. Many issues have improved, we had a wonderful wedding, but my old feelings still persist. He has some wonderful qualities, which I respect and love him for. The problem is, I don't feel very special to him. I feel....like an acquisition. He got me, he married me, he did the right thing I guess for himself but any extra attention, caring, respect is missing. We are renovating our new home and he gets very stressed, and I am the first first he will yell at, get upset with, etc., often in front of other people. Today my mother in law was here and he showed up in the middle of the day, stressed over work. He barely acknowledged me, but wasn't too stressed to talk to his work partner, to tell his mom to take a break and not work too hard. I had a very important job interview today which he didn't even ask me about. I said to him, you didn't ask about my interview! in a light way, jokingly. He said, I'm too busy, I'll ask you in an hour. This is normal behaviour. There is always a reason and excuse to put me last. These examples are endless. His whole tone seems to change with me only. I am newlywed and so unhappy. My family called me to see how it went and they were so excited for me. I didn't even feel like calling him after because I knew the response would be like this. I don't feel like he is my best friend, and I don't feel like I am first in his life. I'm even regretting marrying him. I was perfectly happy before this marriage, even before this relationship. So I'm sitting in a lovely home with a nice ring and the supposed 'package' and I'm miserable, and it really sucks.

[JPMorgan]

Have you told him this?

[mariavidov]

Yes I'm talking to him all the time about everything he always has reasons, excuses, feels I'm putting pressure on him, feels there's never any time for anything. It takes 2 seconds to be thoughtful and considerate, and it would mean more to me than anything else. It's just who he is. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him and I don't feel hopeful. He is so loyal and good to his family and friends, and he doesn't see how he changes towards me. I don't get it.

[New_Wife]

My Husband and I are renovating a house as well. We are also newlywed after a few years together as a non-married couple. We went to premarital counseling - which I will be forever grateful for.

 

I feel your pain on renovation stress. Our contractor - whom we've dubbed Howdie Dookie - is a major butt-nugget who causes undue stress on my poor husband. Sometimes he get's snappy after a day of dealing with the Dookie, and we are both tired tired tired of remodeling!

 

However, if we got to a point where either of us regretted being married - I would hop in the car and head back to a counselor. And I imagine that's what the two of you ought to do just now. You've got a lot of things going on right on top of each other there. Perhaps an outside perspective could help you each see the other's point of view?

 

Best of luck!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by mariavidov

Yes I'm talking to him all the time about everything he always has reasons, excuses, feels I'm putting pressure on him, feels there's never any time for anything. It takes 2 seconds to be thoughtful and considerate, and it would mean more to me than anything else. It's just who he is. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him and I don't feel hopeful. He is so loyal and good to his family and friends, and he doesn't see how he changes towards me. I don't get it.

 

Why did you marry him again? This to me sounds like two people who really should not have gotten married. I know people can change once married, but this is to the extreme. I hope it wasn't a case of "he'll change/she'll change" once we're married. Ha, any problems that were there before only magnify 100x worse if not solved or worked on together.

 

It's not easy going through a Reno, ask anybody. It's easy to s*** on the ones we love and are closest to, shouldn't be that way at all, but it is. The respect should be there as YOU are the one married to him, living with him and seeing him everyday. He owes that to you, not to every Tom, Dick and Harry walking down the street.

 

After 2 months of marriage and you're this unhappy, you have to decide if he and this marriage are worth it. If yes, then DO all that you can to work together! Go to couples therapy, marriage councilling, whatever...But DO it. Communicate and tell him that if he isn't willing to put in 100% just as you are, then it's time to either get an enulment or go for a divorce.

 

He has to learn to put YOU first, above everybody else, as do you. (not saying that you don't...) As a couple you are united as one. Marriage is HARD work at times. For better and for worse.

 

Keep talking to him. Talking - Not nagging or yelling. Really open up and explain to him how it makes you feel when he does X,Y,Z. Listen to him, open mind. Really hear eachother. Communication isn't the easiest to do, listening and understanding is even harder as at times ego gets in the way.

 

Pick a day to spend together. GO somewhere, turn off cellphones and talk this out.

Don't have real heavy discussions in the evening, the brain can't and won't process intense conversations at that hour...Plus it's not the sort of thing you want mulling around inside your head so shortly before bedtime.

 

These are just some suggestions to think about and hopefully try. Another one is write him a heart felt handwritten letter. Sit beside him and let him read it. The words may jump out at him and maybe he'll see how hurt you've become.

[jmargel]

Marriage counseling. Please look into this right away. If he doesn't have time for that then his priorities are not straight. Make sure you let him know it's not just about him, but you feel you two are starting out on the wrong foot and want things set right. Now is the time to do it. If he refuses tell him you are leaving. Don't make this an option to him.

[quankanne]

I second the marriage counseling suggestion, or even looking into a marriage encounter-type of retreat -- these don't mean you necessarily have something that's broke that needs fixing, but that you're looking for tools to help your relationship go more smoothly, and therefore can be considered an investment of sorts for your marriage.

 

the early days of marriage can be very problematic because you're learning how to live with each other in an intimate setting. If it helps, it took me several years to get used to my husband and being married (but only because he worked away from home the first 5-6 years of our marriage, and we didn't have large chunks of time together to learn each other). One thing that has worked in our situation is setting up some base understandings and rules, like "no matter how crabby I am or how much I nag nag nag at you, the love I have for you doesn't change" and no hitting/other physical abuse, dragging up old shxt, etc.

 

as much as men tend to tune us out (I think it's because they come to a solution or resolution right away and stick with it, right or wrong; whereas women like to think and talk it through, developing it much in the way you'd develop a roll of film), they ARE listening. So when things are calm, pull your husband aside and quietly tell him that you understand his stress, but that there still has to be a basic understanding and consideration of each other even when you don't want to be nice. And that it's very hurtful when he ignores you/yells at you/does X X or X instead of trying to be understanding or even listening. It takes awhile, but it's the same as teaching a small child to learn how to tie his shoes or recognize his letters – with patience, you eventually see the result you're aiming for.

 

good luck, and don't give up. It just takes a lot of patience, kiddo, to get where you want to be.

 

quank

[alphamale]

i knew on my honeymoon that i had make a big mistake marrying my ex-wife.

 

3 yrs later...pffft. i filed for divorce

 

best thing I ever did. it would not have worked long-term.

 

if you are unhappy now, it will only get worse, trust me on this

[jmargel]

It'll only get worse if nothing is done about it.

[Thinkalot]

HI- i second the counselling idea. And also weighing up if this is worth fighting for...and if you say Yes! then be prepared to put in hard work to make changes. Of course, it takes two to do that, so I hope you can talk to him and that he listens.

 

I am a newlywed too. about 2 months. And when we married we knew things would not be easy for us (for a few reasons)...so we have had problems also, and we are working hard to fix them, seeing a therapist together when needs be to get us on track etc. But my husband is loving and 100% committed, so sounds a bit different to your situation. Our biggest problem is communication.

 

good luck!! I am sorry you feel so sad at this time. Try and initiate changes.

[Isabelle]

I don't think things will get better on their own. This kind of inconsiderate behavior (from him) only gets worse, especially if he is taking you for granted. I agree with the other posters - try the counseling, and if this might not work, it's better to get out earlier than later.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

hmm im sorry gurl... look i think that you should find a day where you two are alone and a moment that is right to talk about everything that is going on.. and tell him how you feel now and how you felt before. tell him everything thats going on in your head but with out yelling or anything like that tell him that he shouldnt be avoiding to talk to you because thats why he married you to be there for you when ever you need it that he has to be your best friend as well as yours also.

 

he made a vow to be there for you through the good and the bad in sickness and in health so where is he now??? tell him that talk to him more serious. i am preety young but if i was in your place and i loved my husband i would do anything to fix this even if it took time.

 

you married this man because you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him am i right? well so did he now you guys are one its not "me" "him" anymore its "us"... work it out talk talk and talk .. im sure everything will be okay with you two....

[FolderWife]

Well, if you have staying power, it might work out. In my family, all the husbands are like this. When I got married, however, I thought it would be different.

 

My husband was the same as yours...not interested in me and my life, but whenever something went wrong, I was the one who got yelled at.

 

I don't know of a solution really...I just stopped being around him. I felt like if he wasn't interested in my life, I wouldn't be interested in his. If he would be mean to me when I was around, then I just wouldn't be around.

 

So I stopped taking an interest in his life...I stopped asking him questions about his life, etc. And I started doing my own thing. He has to be in bed pretty early, and I get home kinda late, so there was only two hours a day that we could spend together any way. So I filled that time with exercise, television, long baths, a good book, or tanning...or cleaning.

 

He watched his tv in his own lonely little world.

 

Until finally, he realized that he didn't have a wife any more, but a room mate! It wasn't the kind of relationship that either of us wanted, but I was tired of making all the effort and getting shot down.

 

Eventually, he'd come and hang around me. If he got a nasty tone with me, I left. I'd go find something else to do somewhere else. Oh, he didn't like it, but I wasn't going to be his punching post when he had a bad day

 

He's pretty darn good now. He'll ask me questions about my life. He's good to me when he's around me.

 

There was something going on with him recently, and he was a jerk to me lately, so I avoided him again. He eventually started coming around, and we got into a discussion, and I told him that I thought he was trying to get rid of me, and I cited why. I said that I thought he was trying to be mean to me and make me miserable so I'd leave him, but if he wanted rid of me that HE was going to have to leave, because I love him in spite of the way he has treated me lately.

 

He got really upset, and said that he was sorry he made me feel that way.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is yes, you need councelling.

 

But! You're just two months in...and you probably expected things to be a certain way, and they aren't. You don't go into marriage being good at it. It takes coupled 20 years to get it even half way right.

 

You just have to stick it out, and do what you can live with. You aren't happy with the way he's treating you. But you keep begging him to treat you better. But it's not working. So now, you have to realize that he's not going to change...so you just won't be around him. Be around him and love him when he's good to you, but when he's not good to you, don't fight him. Don't tell him what he's doing wrong...you'll just look like a nag. Just let him be a jerk, and you be somewhere else doing something else. Don't explain to him how he's upsetting you...it's not good. He's not listening. Let him figure it out on his own. Just doing be near him when he's bad, and be near him when he's good.

 

My first year of marriage SUCKED!

 

In the beginning of the second year, we bought a house, and I swear I almost divorced him.

 

But now we're settled into our nice home, and we're working on our third year of marriage.

 

So just stick with it. Don't nag him to change, because he's right...you are putting a lot of pressure on him. You want him to be the perfect husband, but he's not.

 

Just chill...and don't expect anything from him. Love him for who he is, and not what you expected him to be.

 

And get councelling

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by mariavidov

I'm even regretting marrying him. I was perfectly happy before this marriage, even before this relationship.

 

I was perfectly happy when I was 5 y.o. so I guess i shouldn't have grown up ever. There is no such thing like 'the whole package' or perfect happiness.

Your husband is not perfect and neither are you. You have problems you have to find a way to deal with yourself. He didn't want to know about your job interview... obviously you didn't get the job. Do you show great interest in his job? Perhaps you do. The point is, you want him to be the great protector, lover, provider, father some day, and a prince on a white horse overall. But he can't be all that because he is just a human.

I am sure he loves you, he just doesn't always put love on the first place. He has other things on his mind also while you sit at home with no job or any better things to do but think about your relationship. Welcome to the married people's club; that's what marriage is about. You want a fairy tale, but you can't possibly have it. You only have two options - to accept the reality and be happy (you can never be 100% happy) or seek perfection and be unhappy the whole your life.

Don't fight with him! It's the best way to kill romance. Try to find activities to engage in and appreciate what you have. You will be content and comfortable with your life if you are not so emotionally dependent on your husband.

[MikeE]

Ugh!!!! There should never be any working things out or struggling to make things work or saying "We can get throught this if we try". Two people should just be themselves and if those individuals happen to mesh than they can get married, if not then there's nothing. It should be fun, not a struggle!!!!

 

I am who I am, I do what I do and I'm happy this way. I want the same in a woman. We mesh or we don't. End of story.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MikeE

Ugh!!!! There should never be any working things out or struggling to make things work or saying "We can get thought this if we try". It should be fun, not a struggle!!!!

 

There's struggle everywhere: school, work, sports, kids raising... what makes you think that you can perfectly match with another person? I bet you're not even looking for your mirror reflection, but you will fall in love with some cute, sexy, funny woman.

 

All good things take effort to achieve and maintain, but there has to be some line you draw as a limit. The border between compromising and being unhappy is vague sometimes. Some marriages should divorce, some should involve working on, but there are no perfect marriages, not even close to fairy tales. It's too soon to draw conclusions after just two months anyway.

[MikeE]

True, it will never be perfect. I just think people should establish themselves as individuals and develop their own lifestyles that make them happy. Then partners should compliment each other's lives and make each other better. No one should change who they are and give up living how they want to make a relationship work.

 

It just works or it doesn't. Yet most couples try to force it to work anyway.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by MikeE

Ugh!!!! There should never be any working things out or struggling to make things work or saying "We can get throught this if we try". Two people should just be themselves and if those individuals happen to mesh than they can get married, if not then there's nothing. It should be fun, not a struggle!!!!

 

I am who I am, I do what I do and I'm happy this way. I want the same in a woman. We mesh or we don't. End of story.

 

What a load of bullocks that is, in my opinion.

 

Good luck finding a woman you miraculously mesh with, with whom you never have to "work things out" or occassionally struggle, who will simply be happy with you pleasing yourself and not changing or compromising, or putting in some effort, in the belief you should "just mesh".

 

Life doesn't work that way, no matter who well suited a man and woman may be, no matter how much they have in common. All relationships, even great ones, require work at some point to stay that way, and stay functioning.

[VirginiaBob]

"Yes I'm talking to him all the time about everything he always has reasons, excuses, feels I'm putting pressure on him, feels there's never any time for anything."

 

I'd be curious to know how the details of how you are putting pressure on him.

[VirginiaBob]

"After 2 months of marriage and you're this unhappy, you have to decide if he and this marriage are worth it."

 

Hmmm, I don't think this is the time to reconsider your vows. You already made the decision this marriage is worth it when you said I do.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MikeE

True, it will never be perfect. I just think people should establish themselves as individuals and develop their own lifestyles that make them happy. Then partners should compliment each other's lives and make each other better. No one should change who they are and give up living how they want to make a relationship work.

 

 

I absolutely agree that people should not be emotionally dependent on each other and should rather make a team than two halves of one whole. But when you share your space with someone you can't live as you lived before. It must involve some compromise or you'll kill the other member of the symbiosis.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

I But when you share your space with someone you can't live as you lived before. It must involve some compromise or you'll kill the other member of the symbiosis.

 

That's exactly it. True, ideally you should mesh well, and balance each other and have a good sense of who you are as an individual, and some marriages just dont work and there is no point trying to force it to work, but as I said before, even the best ones require some change and compromise.

 

And remember, that people are always evolving too (well, not all I guess, but many of us)...therefore the person you marry won't stay that way, frozen in time...they'll change, you'll change...what happens then? You surely don't throw in the towel because you don't automatically mesh as easily- you work through it, maybe even struggle through it, and hopefully survive and thrive.