2 Years after Affair

[JL123]

Hi all,

I have not posted on here in awhile, but I have been on every now and then to read stories and updates. I just wanted to post my story in the hopes that it will help someone.

I was with a MM for 7 months. We met online and were both in dead-end marriages (so I thought). My husband was a controlling, narcissist that traveled 5 days a week. He was verbally abusive and just plain mean. I became fond of the days when husband was gone and began chatting with MM, which quickly led to us meeting in person, and hitting things off. Our relationship grew at lightening speed - I know many of you can relate.

 

He shared many details of his life at home - his wife was cold, didn't show any affection, was not willing to work on their issues, and after years of trying to communicate with her, he resorted to looking outside the marriage.

Within a month, we were telling each other we loved each other, barely going 2 days without seeing each other. Even if it was just to meet for coffee. We had the total "soul mate" feelings and told each other everything - things we didn't tell our families, spouses, best friends. We were consumed with each other. We were so loving and affectionate with each other. It was what was missing in my entire marriage.

 

We made plans to blend our families, to be together "someday."

And then DDay happened. In a nutshell, husband found out, which quickly started the separation and divorce process.

MM's wife also found out and to this day, I do not know exactly what he told her. He claims that he told her he was in love with me. MM and I took a short break as I sorted out my home life - I had been ready to leave my husband in the years prior and just needed the catalyst to do it.

 

Once settled, MM wanted to continue to see each other, but I was not sure what he told his wife. His story never seemed consistent. One day he was planning to move out. The next day he was waiting on some event to pass before he could file divorce papers. After a few months of this, I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I was done and we went NC.

He tried to call/email/text for about a month before finally giving up.

Over the last 2 years, we have kept in very light contact. A Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas email here and there.

He emailed about a year ago stating that he and wife had worked out their problems, were in counseling and while there were still tough times, they had forgiven and were on the road to re-building and were happy.

 

Now here we are 2 years later....the usual Happy Birthday email started a short email conversation. Back and forth chit chat, followed by him asking how happy I was, etc. Which then progressed to him talking about how he missed me, but was glad I was doing well.

 

A few nights later, he emailed again, only this time asking for a photo...he used to always ask for photos of me when we were together before. I responded to his email, asking him what he wanted - he had told me he was happy, things were good. Why was he reaching out? He said that although things were great, he felt that we did not get the closure we both needed 2 years ago and he feels that we need to see each other "one last time."

 

I post this because as soon as he asked for that photo and asked to get together one more time, I realized that he is the same man he was 2 years ago when we first met. He will always cheat on his wife. He will always try to get whatever he can. Only now, I am in a loving, caring, respectful relationship and am incredibly happy!

Now more than ever, I am saddened for his wife and kids. I am sad that all the time I spent with him was at their expense. I thought what we had was special and the whole time, he really just wanted sex. He will always want sex. I was so vulnerable having been with such a mean husband for so many years...I didn't even see it. I feel like such a dumbass.

All those whirlwind feelings I had - while they were real feelings, they were reactions to his lies. He really cannot have true feelings for anyone but himself.

 

I know how hard it is to walk away from a MM when they say all the things you want to hear. But you are worth one man's full, undivided attention. You should not be hidden from his friends, family and co-workers. He should be proud to show you off.

I am now with the most wonderful man. He cannot spend enough time with me. It is the best feeling in the world to know that he can't wait to introduce me to people and that he plans his days around seeing me, and only me.

 

I hope this helps someone. Just as many of your posts have helped me over the years.

 

JL

[bewell]

Great story! So happy to hear you're doing great and in a stable happy relationship. My heart almost took a dip when I read he wanted to see you "one last time" -- oh that famous line MMs drop to hopefully lure you in. Glad you were tough and didn't give in. Imagine if you did?

 

I was in a 2.5y A with my MM. He just recently moved back in with his W after over a year of living separately and again for 6 months in 2014. Who knows if it's going to work out for them this time but that's not my problem to resolve. I am on NC and I hope he doesn't come sniffing around to mess with my head.

Edited May 6, 2016 by bewell

[Poppy47]

Thank you JL. Glad you are in a stable loving relationship. I have to agree with all you wrote about your relationship with the MM.

 

 

Cheating married men are master manipulators. They use their wife's trust to enable their cheating. They also use OWs trust to keep her interested.

 

My exMM was always charming, considerate, respectful and caring. Superficial, I know but at the time he knew exactly what was missing in my life. My husband had passed away the year before and everything was for m such a mess. He used to make such a big deal of himself..... he would tell me he planned his life around being able to phone me and spend time with me.

 

It took me a long time to realise he was just fitting me into his wife's social schedule. He was using both of us. He was the greatest salesman of all time. If I were to send him a birthday greeting next month, he would try to hook me in again. It's not going to happen!!!!!!

 

He wasn't capable of loving anybody.

Poppy.

[Marc878]

{A few nights later, he emailed again, only this time asking for a photo...he used to always ask for photos of me when we were together before. I responded to his email, asking him what he wanted - he had told me he was happy, things were good. Why was he reaching out?}

 

Send him a photo of your new guy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

This is uplifting. Thank you so much for posting!

[13Hearts]

Hi all,

I have not posted on here in awhile, but I have been on every now and then to read stories and updates. I just wanted to post my story in the hopes that it will help someone.

I was with a MM for 7 months. We met online and were both in dead-end marriages (so I thought). My husband was a controlling, narcissist that traveled 5 days a week. He was verbally abusive and just plain mean. I became fond of the days when husband was gone and began chatting with MM, which quickly led to us meeting in person, and hitting things off. Our relationship grew at lightening speed - I know many of you can relate.

 

He shared many details of his life at home - his wife was cold, didn't show any affection, was not willing to work on their issues, and after years of trying to communicate with her, he resorted to looking outside the marriage.

Within a month, we were telling each other we loved each other, barely going 2 days without seeing each other. Even if it was just to meet for coffee. We had the total "soul mate" feelings and told each other everything - things we didn't tell our families, spouses, best friends. We were consumed with each other. We were so loving and affectionate with each other. It was what was missing in my entire marriage.

 

We made plans to blend our families, to be together "someday."

And then DDay happened. In a nutshell, husband found out, which quickly started the separation and divorce process.

MM's wife also found out and to this day, I do not know exactly what he told her. He claims that he told her he was in love with me. MM and I took a short break as I sorted out my home life - I had been ready to leave my husband in the years prior and just needed the catalyst to do it.

 

Once settled, MM wanted to continue to see each other, but I was not sure what he told his wife. His story never seemed consistent. One day he was planning to move out. The next day he was waiting on some event to pass before he could file divorce papers. After a few months of this, I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I was done and we went NC.

He tried to call/email/text for about a month before finally giving up.

Over the last 2 years, we have kept in very light contact. A Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas email here and there.

He emailed about a year ago stating that he and wife had worked out their problems, were in counseling and while there were still tough times, they had forgiven and were on the road to re-building and were happy.

 

Now here we are 2 years later....the usual Happy Birthday email started a short email conversation. Back and forth chit chat, followed by him asking how happy I was, etc. Which then progressed to him talking about how he missed me, but was glad I was doing well.

 

A few nights later, he emailed again, only this time asking for a photo...he used to always ask for photos of me when we were together before. I responded to his email, asking him what he wanted - he had told me he was happy, things were good. Why was he reaching out? He said that although things were great, he felt that we did not get the closure we both needed 2 years ago and he feels that we need to see each other "one last time."

 

I post this because as soon as he asked for that photo and asked to get together one more time, I realized that he is the same man he was 2 years ago when we first met. He will always cheat on his wife. He will always try to get whatever he can. Only now, I am in a loving, caring, respectful relationship and am incredibly happy!

Now more than ever, I am saddened for his wife and kids. I am sad that all the time I spent with him was at their expense. I thought what we had was special and the whole time, he really just wanted sex. He will always want sex. I was so vulnerable having been with such a mean husband for so many years...I didn't even see it. I feel like such a dumbass.

All those whirlwind feelings I had - while they were real feelings, they were reactions to his lies. He really cannot have true feelings for anyone but himself.

 

I know how hard it is to walk away from a MM when they say all the things you want to hear. But you are worth one man's full, undivided attention. You should not be hidden from his friends, family and co-workers. He should be proud to show you off.

I am now with the most wonderful man. He cannot spend enough time with me. It is the best feeling in the world to know that he can't wait to introduce me to people and that he plans his days around seeing me, and only me.

 

I hope this helps someone. Just as many of your posts have helped me over the years.

 

JL

 

It still amazes, dumbfounds, and confuses me how so many men are completely the same as what you describe!

[Adoraxx]

Hi all,

I have not posted on here in awhile, but I have been on every now and then to read stories and updates. I just wanted to post my story in the hopes that it will help someone.

I was with a MM for 7 months. We met online and were both in dead-end marriages (so I thought). My husband was a controlling, narcissist that traveled 5 days a week. He was verbally abusive and just plain mean. I became fond of the days when husband was gone and began chatting with MM, which quickly led to us meeting in person, and hitting things off. Our relationship grew at lightening speed - I know many of you can relate.

 

He shared many details of his life at home - his wife was cold, didn't show any affection, was not willing to work on their issues, and after years of trying to communicate with her, he resorted to looking outside the marriage.

Within a month, we were telling each other we loved each other, barely going 2 days without seeing each other. Even if it was just to meet for coffee. We had the total "soul mate" feelings and told each other everything - things we didn't tell our families, spouses, best friends. We were consumed with each other. We were so loving and affectionate with each other. It was what was missing in my entire marriage.

 

We made plans to blend our families, to be together "someday."

And then DDay happened. In a nutshell, husband found out, which quickly started the separation and divorce process.

MM's wife also found out and to this day, I do not know exactly what he told her. He claims that he told her he was in love with me. MM and I took a short break as I sorted out my home life - I had been ready to leave my husband in the years prior and just needed the catalyst to do it.

 

Once settled, MM wanted to continue to see each other, but I was not sure what he told his wife. His story never seemed consistent. One day he was planning to move out. The next day he was waiting on some event to pass before he could file divorce papers. After a few months of this, I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I was done and we went NC.

He tried to call/email/text for about a month before finally giving up.

Over the last 2 years, we have kept in very light contact. A Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas email here and there.

He emailed about a year ago stating that he and wife had worked out their problems, were in counseling and while there were still tough times, they had forgiven and were on the road to re-building and were happy.

 

Now here we are 2 years later....the usual Happy Birthday email started a short email conversation. Back and forth chit chat, followed by him asking how happy I was, etc. Which then progressed to him talking about how he missed me, but was glad I was doing well.

 

A few nights later, he emailed again, only this time asking for a photo...he used to always ask for photos of me when we were together before. I responded to his email, asking him what he wanted - he had told me he was happy, things were good. Why was he reaching out? He said that although things were great, he felt that we did not get the closure we both needed 2 years ago and he feels that we need to see each other "one last time."

 

I post this because as soon as he asked for that photo and asked to get together one more time, I realized that he is the same man he was 2 years ago when we first met. He will always cheat on his wife. He will always try to get whatever he can. Only now, I am in a loving, caring, respectful relationship and am incredibly happy!

Now more than ever, I am saddened for his wife and kids. I am sad that all the time I spent with him was at their expense. I thought what we had was special and the whole time, he really just wanted sex. He will always want sex. I was so vulnerable having been with such a mean husband for so many years...I didn't even see it. I feel like such a dumbass.

All those whirlwind feelings I had - while they were real feelings, they were reactions to his lies. He really cannot have true feelings for anyone but himself.

 

I know how hard it is to walk away from a MM when they say all the things you want to hear. But you are worth one man's full, undivided attention. You should not be hidden from his friends, family and co-workers. He should be proud to show you off.

I am now with the most wonderful man. He cannot spend enough time with me. It is the best feeling in the world to know that he can't wait to introduce me to people and that he plans his days around seeing me, and only me.

 

I hope this helps someone. Just as many of your posts have helped me over the years.

 

JL

 

Thank you for this amazing post, JL123. It made me cry and I'm so happy for you that you're with a good man now and that you're seeing right through the lies of the xMM. It really touched my heart when you wrote: "you should not be hidden from his friends, family and co-workers. He should be proud to show you off." Again, SO happy for you that you're with a wonderful man now!!!! Hugs!!

[S2B]

What an awesome update!!! Good for you! I'm glad you found a man that values you as you should be!!

 

You go girl!

[lemondrop21]

Thank you so much for posting this. It's exactly what I need to read today. Congratulations on getting through your divorce, moving on from xMM and finding happiness with someone who is available to you!

 

Other single or divorcing guys and gals - down the road, this could be any of us! How uplifting .

[Marc878]

The thing is you all have value. You're worth more than a second place relationship of which most end up being.

 

Don't settle for anything less.

[SomethingToSay]

So many OW think that because their MM is so sweet and loving and caring and charming that there is no way he is lying to them.

 

Its a shame no one ever teaches this growing up. We all no "stay away from a married man"....but no one prepares you for how they operate. How they build the connection and woo and love. It feels so special the OW assumes her instance is "different". But they are always like this.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how am OW here for the first time has never even considered the fact MM is not 100% true and authentic. Then its like that moment.....that deer in the headlights look....when OW realizes for the first time in months or years, that maybe perhaps not everything coming out his mouth is fully honest and upfront.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you for this update, JL123. It is inspiriing. It reaffirms everything we all know to be true, and reminds me there is hope for an honest, loving, and beautiful relationship out there in the future.

[NTV]

I see you're posting this as a learning example for others about what to expect from dating a mm, as a word of warning it sounds like. .. But you also sound like you're justifying why you had an affair.

 

Would you recommend others have one? Why or why not? How did cheating make you feel? How do you feel about it now?

[LovingDelilah]

Glad you got away and did not get roped in again.

[thecharade]

Congratulations to you.

 

Your story is my story, right down to not realizing how unhappy I was in my M. My exMM still occasionally reaches out, even telling me he missed me about 6 months ago. I didn't even respond. I see the whole thing so differently now, and that includes how I see him. I don't quite feel I was used for sex (and don't think you were either) because that sort of indicates they are lacking in sex or their wives aren't having sex with them, which you and I both know isn't true. I think we were used as a bandaid for feelings about themselves, their marriages or their lives that they do not understand. I believe this is EXACTLY the reason many MM have affairs. My counselor told me that men are typically not in touch with their emotions like women are; they don't even know that they are having certain feelings much less why. So, yes--he wants to continue to use you as a bandaid. He obviously needs to do a lot of work on himself, and he does not even realize it. Or want to admit it. Thankfully he is in no way your problem.

 

It is very unfortunate that we went through this hellish situation, but as many reconciled couples say after infidelity, infidelity did not make us better and stronger and wiser people, but overcoming it did.

 

Best wishes!

[ChickiePops]

Congratulations to you.

 

Your story is my story, right down to not realizing how unhappy I was in my M. My exMM still occasionally reaches out, even telling me he missed me about 6 months ago. I didn't even respond. I see the whole thing so differently now, and that includes how I see him. I don't quite feel I was used for sex (and don't think you were either) because that sort of indicates they are lacking in sex or their wives aren't having sex with them, which you and I both know isn't true. I think we were used as a bandaid for feelings about themselves, their marriages or their lives that they do not understand. I believe this is EXACTLY the reason many MM have affairs. My counselor told me that men are typically not in touch with their emotions like women are; they don't even know that they are having certain feelings much less why. So, yes--he wants to continue to use you as a bandaid. He obviously needs to do a lot of work on himself, and he does not even realize it. Or want to admit it. Thankfully he is in no way your problem.

 

It is very unfortunate that we went through this hellish situation, but as many reconciled couples say after infidelity, infidelity did not make us better and stronger and wiser people, but overcoming it did.

 

Best wishes!

 

Who has EVER said that infidelity is a good thing that makes people better??? I have literally never heard that before in my life, not here or anywhere else.

 

Infidelity is never a good thing. Ever. It doesn't help anybody, it only hurts people.