sick2mystomch Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 My Fiancee and I have been together for almost five years.... On Saturday we went out dancing... We ended up deciding to go over to my Fiancee's best friends which was within walking distance instead of driving home. His bestfriend had been drinking with us all night. When we got to C's we drank another beer and opened two bottles of wine. We got into C's pool...skinny dipping. (How stupid was that)... We swam awhile... My fiancee, T, went and sat on the steps and I believe passed out.... The last thing I remember is C splashing me and us roughhousing. I woke up at 10 am naked in C's bed, he was there as well, I left while he was still asleep... T was gone. I couldn't find my clothes, got my cell phone, called home..no T. I called T's mom's, T got on the phone... I asked what happened. He said "you don't remember f***ing C in his pool? He told me we were done, that he woke up and C and I were......... I said are you sure? He said my arms were around C's neck and the water was rippling...... I don't remember anything... When I called CC dosen't remember anything after getting in the pool.... Neither of us can phathom doing anything to hurt T...... T is home it is 1 day later, he stares at me with no expression, says he can't leave, it isn't fair to my girls (I have 3, he is their dad in every way except being their bio dad).... He says he can't look at me without seeing what he believes he saw....... I just can't believe I would do that. I have never even thought of another man since being with T... He is the person I know I was meant for... We both have been cheated on in the past. I put up with it for 8 years....We have agreed that is the one thing that is unforgivable....I can't ask him to stay, but I don't know what I will do if he leaves. I can't believe I did this...... How do you go on? I did something whcih I have no memory of that has hurt the person I love so very much... The only thing worse I could have done is kill someone. I can't eat, can't sleep , can't do anything but hurt.... How must he be feeling? With the alcohol could he not have seen what he thinks he did>? I wish I knew...I guess it dosen't matter, because he feels in his heart that he saw what he said he saw, I want so very much to be able to say it didn't happen, but I can't, I am just sick... His bestfriend and I spoke today, I was just hoping he could remember anything at all that would make it not so... He can't, he didn't even remember how the pool got covered, how we got out of the pool how we got to bed... Please... GOD let this all be a dream Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I am very sad for you. Clearly you have broken your boyfriend's heart. What I do not understand is why your boyfriend when he saw you having sex with his best friend did not jump in and push his friend away. Your boyfriend going home allowed you to have more sex with the friend in his bed. How absolutely awful for your boyfriend. I have to tell you he was probably in total shock that you would do such a thing to him. I do find it extremely difficlut to believe that the both of you (his best friend ) had sex in the pool and sex in the bed and nobody can remember anything. I think most men would drop you like a hot potatoe if it happened to them. If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think that you would believe such a stroy from your boyfriend and your best female friend? I seriously doubt it. Unfortunately your boyfriend will never forget this and will always have an image of you screwing his best friend. By the way, his best friend is no friend but a piece of garbage. The bottom line is that I doubt your boyfriend will ever wish to marry you now. How can he forget that when he was engaged to you that you had sex with his friend while you both thought he was sleeping. How tragic for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I don't recall anything... I don't expect him to believe anything If the roles were reversed, I would be so very very hurt and angry. I have ruined the most pure thing ... & I don't remember anything. I just want to take away the hurt, and I can't ... not ever. I didn't post here to be jumped on, though with any board in a public place you open yourself to that. I cannot explain or excuse anything.. I just hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Sweets1919 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Sorry to hear about your horrible experience. From the sounds of it, this is an incident that is more attributed to abuse of alcohol than it is to two people (you and the friend) deliberately betraying and hurting your fiance. As you said, you have both been cheated on in the past and infidelity has not been an issue between the two of you....that is a great strength for the two of you to share....it shows you both have mutual respect for the other and a strong foundation of trust. Unfortunately, the booze got the better of all three of you on the weekend and quite out of control. In the past I have drank to excess and have woken up not remembering something that happened the night before. And I don't just mean not remembering something inconsequential.....one time a good guy friend of mine drove me home after a party and came up to my apartment. I remember getting pjs on and getting ready for bed. When I woke up I was naked and he had gone to work. I even called him (we talked all the time) and ironically thanked him for being a "gentleman" and not letting anything happen b/c I was so drunk. He was like "you're kidding, right?" and it turns out I gave him oral sex (he correctly identified where my pjs/underwear were in the room so i knew he was aware of me getting naked) and i DID NOT REMEMBER ONE BIT OF IT....so it is possible to do that when you are so drunk and not remember....so i can see how if both people are in the same state then neither would recall what happened. Not that drinking is an excuse or anything, but it is a contributing factor to the situation which you need to be aware of. Even the fact that your fiance had left the area and "passed out" plays a role in the sitaution and the way it all ended up (not that I'm blaming him or anyone...just stating if he wasn't so hammered he could have perhaps intervened or put a stop to you and the friend getting so close) Have you and T talked again? Maybe some counselling would be able to help....and a talk about your use of alcohol (as a couple) to prevent scenarios even remotely close to this one happening again. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Yes T and I have talked... I spoke with my bestfriend who gave me the advice I could have given myself had I not been so emotionally in crisis. She advised me to arrange for my children to have childcare outside of our home. When T came home from work last night I asked to talk to him. I told him that I wanted to have an open honest conversation about what had taken place Saturday night. I asked him to tell me everything that he remembered, and I in turn told him what I could recall. I told him that I was ready for him to vent and that I could accept whatever he needed to say because I believe strongly enough in our relationship and each of us individually that I could handle it. We were able to speak very very frankly and it was extremelly emotional. He has decided that he is not willing to walk away from what we have built together, and I acknowledged that though he has made that decision the hurt is still there and will be something for us to get through. I made a decision that alcohol cannot have any part of my life, that for me one drink more often than not leads to another, & I am not willing to take the chance of hurting anyone, including myself, again. We held each other and cried. Yes alcohol played a huge part in what took place & no it is not an excuse, but it was a huge factor. T, acknowledged that we both shared in the decision that put us in the postion for this to take place. Sober would I have ever gotten into a pool naked with my fiancee & HIS FRIEND ? NO. Sober would I have ever TOUCHED another MAN? NO ! Sober would I have ever had sex with ANOTHER MAN? NO ! Alcoholism runs very strongly in my family.... & though I am not a frequent drinker (socially 1x approx per month), what happens when I drink to excess (1-2 times per year) is frightening, especially now. There have been other incidents where alcohol was involved which have caused T & I problems... though nothing sexual ever before.... I have made an appointment to speak with a counselor next week, T has agreed to come with me.... I know this will be a difficult road, and though some of you may not understand, & may think of me as the villian... We are BOTH mourning the loss of what we had prior to Saturday night. It is literally in my home like someone died... Last night, we sat next to each other, watching our favorite shows, and at times we would laugh, & then one of us would remember.....So yes we are both grieving.... It is hurting him, he feels betrayed, angry, sad.... I cannot stand that I hurt him, I am angry with myself, at times disbelieving because I cannot believe that I would do this, cannot believe that my life has been changed so completely by something I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF. I began to cry last night, and T grabbed my face, put my head to his and said Carly, if we are going to get through this, we have to be strong, I need you to be strong, You cannot fall apart, I need you and the girls need you... See that is the kind of man he is, he amazes me. Link to post Share on other sites
zack121 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I like your honesty, I will not judge you or even comment on the circumstances. as who am I to judge others I will say that the things you have going for you are you have been honest and in my book that goes such a long way, my example would then be, if you were cheating on him behind his back, then I would have so much more to say about it as its not on!! but perhaps if you and T could talk - give him time, then perhaps you both will have a better understanding about the evening, I have heard of this situation before, never happened to me, and don't even know "how these things happen"? Maybe you have done the damage and he'll not be able to forgive you, maybe he'll understand and it will work out. Best thing is to TALK communication is always the best way to figure things out. Was there any evidence of a sexual encounter, without going into it - you know what I mean. the fact that you were naked in bed with him or the pool, although does not LOOK good, does not mean sex nessacerily. I doubt most guys woould walk away from seeing that, BUT who knows its a weird and wonderful world!! and even if he did that in no way makes him accountable for anything, its not his fault. Hope you get to talk to T soon, and see where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch I cannot explain or excuse anything.. I just hurt Go to him with this attitude. For the record, I forgave the infidelity of an early Juliet. It can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I feel for you. All you can hope for is that his love for you will overcome his anger ( over time ) and he can forgive you. There is nothing we can say to you that you haven't said to yourself. Just keep loving him and maybe he will come around..... Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Before you read my thoughts, I'd like to say that I'm not going to jump on you. It seems you already feel bad about what you've done. But at the same time, I'm not going to coddle you like an innocent victim either. You made the choice to drink and lose control, now you must deal with the consequences. Originally posted by zack121 Was there any evidence of a sexual encounter, without going into it - you know what I mean. the fact that you were naked in bed with him or the pool, although does not LOOK good, does not mean sex nessacerily. While it might be nice to think like this poster, your bf saw what looked like sex going on in the water, and both of you woke up naked in his bed. You don't remember anything, but I'd say the chances that there was sex involved are pretty damned good. And unprotected sex at that. I suggest you get testing for STDs and pregnancy. If you still want to be with your bf, you need to know that you're not putting him at risk from diseases that his friend might have that you're unaware of. The image of you f***ing his friend is going to be pretty hard to get out of his head, which will make it incredibly difficult to forgive you. You really ought to go see a counselor together if you want to be able work this out. I also think you should swear off alcohol (at least for the time being) and both of you attend some AA meetings together so you can both learn how to deal with this destructive thing that happened while you were drunk. Those people know all about doing horrible things while drunk and not remembering. It's free, and I think they can help you both come to terms with this. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Just keep loving him and maybe he will come around..... I disagree. Loving someone and/or appologizing is not enough. You actually have to work on what caused the problem or you'll run into the same type of issue again. If you don't work on the underlying problems, that person is going to get sick dealing with the situations that arise from it and will eventually leave. Link to post Share on other sites
zack121 Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I disagree. Loving someone and/or appologizing is not enough. You actually have to work on what caused the problem or you'll run into the same type of issue again. If you don't work on the underlying problems, that person is going to get sick dealing with the situations that arise from it and will eventually leave. From all accounts, it was a once off thing? how can she fix a problem if it was not a problem to begin with and to respond to you, about what I said, please be aware that I did preface it, but saying "does not look good" Even being naked in bed sex or no sex is not good. BUT the point i was trying to make is she is saying she can't remember it. No excuse, I was actually implying using some form for scientific evidential proof that may back her claims, it may not make it easier on T, becuase of the nakedness bit. Probally to late for that now anyway Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 From all accounts, it was a once off thing? how can she fix a problem if it was not a problem to begin with She can not drink and lose control again. Major problems don't just arise as one time things without any underlying reason. And generally, people don't drink so much that they blackout without an underlying reason either. That needs to be dealt with. The repercussions also have to be dealt with. He saw her cheating on him (or at least believes he did), and just loving him is not going to be enough. In fact, that's just sweeping it under the rug to let it come back as an issue later. and to respond to you, about what I said, please be aware that I did preface it, but saying "does not look good" Even being naked in bed sex or no sex is not good. BUT the point i was trying to make is she is saying she can't remember it. No excuse, I was actually implying using some form for scientific evidential proof that may back her claims, it may not make it easier on T, becuase of the nakedness bit. Probally to late for that now anyway Well, you're right that if she can prove in some way that they didn't have sex, it may make it easier on him. If she can't prove it though, there's no reason to dwell on the possibility that it might not have happened. Bringing that up to him is not focusing on the real issue, which is that she was at the very least fooling around with his friend. If she brings it up without being able to prove it, it may just look to him like she's trying to minimize and excuse her actions because they might not have had sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I disagree. Loving someone and/or appologizing is not enough. You actually have to work on what caused the problem or you'll run into the same type of issue again. If you don't work on the underlying problems, that person is going to get sick dealing with the situations that arise from it and will eventually leave. I agree. I stand corrected ( and that doesn't happen often.... ) Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I replied earlier but had not yet registered so my post won't show up untill a moderator reviews it.... Basically (the post will eventually show up) I said.... I have already decided to stop drinking, I have made an appointment with a counselor & T has agreed to go with me. Alcohol problem or not, alcohol was absolutely the BIGGEST factor in this happening, just not worth it .... To answer the question was there any evidence of sex? No there was not. Really it does not matter whether sex took place or not, because T believes it did & what he saw hurt him badly. Since he is the only one who has ANY memory of what happened... how can I question that... I can't.. He told me what he saw last night...in detail... No we were not kissing... & maybe there wasn't penetration, he wasn't sure, but what he saw looked like C & I having sex , my arms were around his neck, his back was against the wall, ... Whatever it was it was too intimate, should never have happened & was wrong. No I cannot be pregnant (hysterectomy) but do appreciate the advice about being checked by a physician for STD's. I have been in such disbelief hoping this didn't really happen that I hadn't made an appointment. Like I said earlier, Infidelity has never been an issue between us.... I have never been given a reason to feel jeolousy or to question his loyalty to me... and untill now I had never given him any either.. We had & I pray that we will have again something incredibly special... no secrets, no doubt, complete trust, everyone around us could tell by the way we look (still after 5 years) at each other & interact together that he completes me and I him... To have ruined that... to have destroyed that & not even remember doing it is devestating... I am horrified & grieving... & that is how I feel. I cannot comprehend how it must feel to be in his shoes. I cannot even imagine seeing him with anyone else, can't imagine that pain, the shock... I know he absolutely, knew that I was his & his alone.. there was never any question, to see what he did, after so completely trusting .. is devestating. So yes I am not drinking, If I can hurt someone like that... Yes I am going to go to counseling... Other than that I am going to do what T asked of me last night... to be strong, not fall apart, & be there for him... I will take my cues from him Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by sick2mystomch I have already decided to stop drinking, I have made an appointment with a counselor & T has agreed to go with me. Alcohol problem or not, alcohol was absolutely the BIGGEST factor in this happening, just not worth it .... That's a good choice, because it will eliminate the possibility of doing something foolish while drunk, plus it will show him that you genuinely want to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. No I cannot be pregnant (hysterectomy) but do appreciate the advice about being checked by a physician for STD's. I have been in such disbelief hoping this didn't really happen that I hadn't made an appointment. What a relief that you couldn't have gotten pregnant. I don't think I need to say how bad that would have been. I hope your tests turn out ok. So yes I am not drinking, If I can hurt someone like that... Yes I am going to go to counseling... Other than that I am going to do what T asked of me last night... to be strong, not fall apart, & be there for him... I will take my cues from him It sounds like you're doing (or will do) about all you can in this situation. Hopefully you two can rebuild and work through this. It sounds like he's willing to try since he's going to see the counselor with you. The only other thing you might want to think about is how you're both going to deal with the friend. If T remains friends with him, it might be best that you try to avoid being around when they're together and especially never see or speak to him unless T is there. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael86 Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 My first reaction to this is to jump all over you but I'm not going to do that. I feel absolutely horrible for your fiancee and what he's going through. I can't even imagine how I'd feel being in his shoes right now. However, you didn't purposely set out to cheat and you sound genuinely remorseful for what happened. Whether you can get back what you once had....I don't know. I agree with what everyone said....NO MORE DRINKING. This incident cannot even come close to happening again. Another thing I would suggest is no contact whatsoever anymore for either of you with this "best friend." In my opinion he is no friend. It sounds to me like he knew exactly what he was doing while your fiancee was passed out and you naked in the pool with him. Everytime your bf sees the two of you together, this incident is going to rear it's ugly head. For the two of you to have a chance, say goodbye to this slimeball. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Thank You everyone for your thoughts.. it really is appreciated... I know I will have to give some thought and talk with T about C at some point....but do you think it is best to let him bring it up.. or should I bring it up at some point in counseling? We live in an incredibly small tight community. It is very probable that I/we will run into C sooner rather than later... Also I work in the same field as C... our paths cross only rarely but there is some contact as we occasionally have clients in common & or attend the same State required trainings.... I will have to figure something out.... Again I think I will just have to give T time , see how he feels, & follow his cues. As for C, I cannot imagine him knowing what happened either. C has never acted attracted to me, has never been inappropriate in ANY way. This is a very close friend of mine & T's very best friend. It used to be four of us before his wife cheated/left him....but has been the 3 of us for about 2 years (in between some girlfriends) We go camping & rock climbing almost every weekend out of the summer with C and a few other friends....this is going to effect so much. We were to be married at C's home, he was to be the bestman, my children call him Uncle, go to his house, he is an emergency contact at the girls school......I cannot be worried about any of those things right now... but I just wanted to say that I don't believe there was any intent on C's part to hurt T.. I Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I think you are a sincere person and I really hope that things work out for you and T. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
zack121 Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Bugger thats going to be really tough? Two inital thoughts (take with grain of salt please) as you have been through enough allready (1) becuase of your very close freindship with C, perhaps this is just the conclusion to how he felt about you? (2) if NOT then maybe T and C need to work some stuff out too, but I would have to say that it may be a time to make a choice between T and U, and T C and U. be nice if it all works out BUT man, i think its going to be tough on all concerned. In a way becuase of what you have written C has lost alot too. its a sad story, I feel bad for you Really hope to hear the conclusion to your story Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I need to know the name of that wine... Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I would strongly suggest you leave him. You can't control yourself. Alcohol is no excuse and its not the biggest factor YOU are the BIGGEST factor. You not only cheated on him, you cheated on him with his best friend while your fiance was passed out. How low can a person get? He deserves better than you. And to be honest he will never forgive you. Even if you remain together everytime he looks at you he will be disgusted. He will see you screwing his best friend in the pool like a scene out of Showgirls. You have ruined his relationship with you and his best friend. How can you expect him to forgive you? Would you forgive him? There is no forgiving something like this. Edit: I also believe that C probably does remember what happened. He's playing stupid. Your fiance should never speak to this loser again. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Unfortunately, if things work out, he will never ever fully trust you again, and will absolutely get sick to his stomach every time he knows you're going to drink because of what could possibly happen. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Are you sure you don't remember anything? I'm with westernxer...let's hear what you drank because unless you were using drugs also, or had alcohol poisoning you should be able to remember SOMETHING! Even if my memories have felt blurry after a night of drinking I still had a good idea what happened. The times I couldn't remember anything were when I took Xanax while drinking. OR the time I had alcohol poisoning and ended up in the hospital. If your drunkeness was THAT bad you would have puked and passed out in the pool. You can be completely honest with us here. Do you honestly not remember anything?!? Edit: That "friend" of his needs his ass kicked. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweets1919 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Hello "sick", Hope things are going alright for you and that you're making it through this week OK. I do not agree with anything that the above three posters said. To say that this is as "low" as a person could go is a joke to me. There are people out there who deliberately and decisively lie and betray their partners with affairs, who lie to them about money issues, who refuse to get help for the alcohol, drug or gambling that is destroying the relationship, and those who hurt their partner by verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse. Those behaviours are "LOW" and yet look how many people (and people on this board) decide to live with repeated offences against themselves....look how many people on this board decide to work any of the above stated situations out in a mature manner like you are trying to do before deciding they need to end the relationship permanently. To me, your situation is different from a woman who has deliberately started up an affair with her partner's best friend (or with anyone for that matter) and like you, I and several other posters said, the alcohol was a huge factor. It was not because you no one cared about T's feelings....you were so out of it you didn't know what you were doing...and maybe people who have never "blacked out" from drinking can't understand...but it is very possible to not remember significant periods time after a big drinking event that goes way beyond your limit. I don't think this weekend's "incident" shows that you don't care about T or that you don't love him....I certainly don't think this is something that he should leave you over.....****because you both are accepting responsibility, communicating and showing maturity....not making excuses, blaming or reacting.... If you were saying that you were drunk so it "doesn't mean anything" (like many people do as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour)...then I think we'd have a different matter here altogether. The fact that you and T have been honest about the underlying problem and want to work through it in a mature manner shows the strong bond you two have. A lifelong relationship is going to have many stressors and it is the way that you work through the problems (no matter how devastating) shows how you will manage in your relationship. Good on both of you for being so strong in all of this. If you take the time to work through it, iI think this can be a huge learning for you two and a catlyst to a deeper relationship...not the end of one. Link to post Share on other sites
sick2mystomch Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 We began drinking at approximatelly 7pm, we were drinking beer initially, I also had two lemondrops... I can't even ball park the # of beers and drinks.... I can say that we spent about 87.00 on alcohol between T and I between the three bars we were at.... T also had free beer chips from winning pool bets...Mixed drinks are $3.50 & up & beers about $2.25.... After we closed down the last bar we were at we walked to C's...we had decided to walk there which is why I was still drinking at all..usually I Stop drinking (if I even start) at two beers...drink pop the rest of the night & I drive.... When we got to C's we each had another beer...in the pool... At some point, T & C both started asking me to go get the wine... it would be too cold for them...so I did... I brought two big bottles from C's Wine rack.... Have no clue what just that one was red and one was white.... I can remember the three of us standing close to each other drinking the 1st bottle... I can remember bits and pieces of swimming & T, C & I splashing and PLaying (not sexually) around... I think T went and sat on the steps that lead into the pool before we drank the 2nd bottle but could be wrong...... I kind of remember C & I play fighting over the wine bottle, him trying to dunk me... me swimming away.. then that is it... Nothing till I woke up to C's alarm.... I initially thought I was in bed with T... was still probablly drunk at that point.... when I reached over and saw C's face I Freaked.... tried to wake him up but couldn't so left while he was still asleep...... Look I don't care if you believe that I don't remember what took place, That is the way it is....No I was not doing drugs..... I have no reason to lie, I posted here just to get some of what is going on off of my chest & to hear from others who may have been hurt the way I have hurt T....I needed a place to voice my feelings where I would not be further hurting T.... I would in fact welcome T saying some of what you all have as he holds things inside....see he still dosen't want to hurt me.... As for T deserving better than me.... WELL HOW THE HELL CAN I ARGUE WITH THAT? All I can say is that person was not me....Jesus...I can't even begin to understand how I could do such a thing... I can only pray that what you say is not true, that he will someday be able to look at me without seeing.... Link to post Share on other sites
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